To feel so betrayed and think this is not okay? - Trigger Warning

[DelphiBlue]

I'm posting in AIBU because I know I'll get honest replies here, but I'm really upset so please try to be relatively gentle.

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a friend, I'll call her H. H and I's relationship was pretty unhealthy and she was quite manipulative and mean but I cared for her and helped her out a lot through difficult times. She obviously met my parents a few times and in fact stayed with us for a week once when she was kicked out of her home. We have not spoken in about 7 years when I finally had enough and cut her off. The reasons for this are pretty extensive but I hope you will trust that they were all valid!

This week my mum called and said she had had a Facebook message from H and they had been chatting a bit and are going to meet up for a 'proper catch up'. She didn't ask if I minded, just told me. H wasn't particularly close with my mum when we were friends so it's quite confusing to me.

I had a long conversation with my mum and divulged to her the biggest reason why I don't want H anywhere near my life. When we were younger and had been out partying I got VERY drunk. H and a few of her friends were going back to hers, so she helped me into a cab, had to practically carry me upstairs, undressed me and put me into bed. I vaguely remember getting into bed but nothing of the journey home. When I was in bed in a complete slumber, one of H's male friends came into the room. I heard H say 'you can shag her but you better use a condom'. He came in and had sex with me and when I woke up next to him in the morning I felt like I wanted to die. I was so ashamed that I got dressed and left really early. Later that day H texted me laughing saying she'd recorded a video of me and this guy having sex on her phone. It was apparently a joke, but I obviously didn't find it very funny.

At the time I totally and completely blamed myself and felt really ashamed of what I'd done. But the past few years I've started to feel like actually what they both did was really not Ok. I can't imagine doing that to any of my girl friends drunk or sober.

My mum has told me I'm overreacting a bit and thinking too much into it. She said stuff like that happens when you're young and you go out drinking. That I shouldn't be het up over a one night stand and I can't blame H for that.

I've been crying all morning and a big part of me is beginning to doubt myself. Am I overreacting?

Im so angry on your behalf.

Perhaps you could text your Mum:

If you continue this friendship with the woman who facilitated and recorded this rape, I will be very hurt and our relationship will be damaged.

Oh memyselfandaye that's such a lovely thing to say. I am happy. I have beautiful children and an amazing partner. I never imagined I would have either so I feel very very lucky

Draylon I do see what you're saying, but none of this excuses OP's mum's attitude. She shouldn't be going for a cosy chat with H, she should be offering to support her daughter in reporting this if that's what OP feels she wants to do.

OP, you were raped and H was complicit. You are not overreacting at all.

I'm so sorry that has happened to you. I'm also sorry that your mum isn't supportive. Please don't allow her nonsupport make you feel like you are being unreasonable.

When you are ready, please consider calling your local rape crisis centre for some nonjudgmental, in person (or over the phone) support.

Delphi, my blood pressure is rising even reading this. Regardless of your mother's own trauma, and even giving her every benefit of the doubt as a rape survivor herself, this is an appalling way to behave. She has the right to feel however she feels about her own rape - she doesn't get to implicitly 'forgive' yours by meeting your rapist's accomplice/instigator for a nice catch-up. In doing so, she is silencing you and saying your rape was less important than her frankly bizarre desire to have a chat with someone she barely knows. Contact her again and ask her very clearly if she still intends to go and have coffee with your rapist's accomplice?

Call the Rape Crisis helpline, too - you need help from someone who actually takes your rape more seriously than her own social life.

More seriously, does the video actually exist? Because it's evidence, crucially, should you decide you want to pursue reporting the crime.

Very best wishes.

DelphiBlue I am so sorry you were raped, and betrayed by H. Of course it will feel like your mum is betraying you now. I hope she does become supportive.

I can sense your pain through your posts and I wish you lots of strength and happiness.

And while I have no idea what, if charges were pressed, H could be charged with, if anything, morally, your rape is on her head.

Draylon, reading your post and remembering what my late teens/early 20's were like. (We're the same age) You're absolutely right, things were different back then. A lot of men's bad behaviour was excused as "it's just the way he is". I remember having to physically fight off a middle aged man I worked with and it being shrugged off with, "we'll try not to have the two of you work alone again, that's just what he's like though".

Having said that I'd kick the crap out of anyone who did the same to my kids and can not imagine telling my child who'd been raped to "get over it".

Omg what happened to you was horrifying. Please take time to heal.
I can't believe your mothers denial of what was so obviously a rape.
I'm so sorry x

I think this contact with your Mum has brought everything to the fore and you should get in touch with rape crisis. Your Mum minimising doesn't help but she may have her own reasons for this. xxxx

YANBU. You were raped, and your mum is minimising it by being in contact with H. Have you got real life support, OP? It's definitely worth having counselling if you haven't already.

OP you were raped and H did far more than betray you. It's a lot to take in but you are right in what you're feeling and thinking..and for the first time in MN history the AIBU replies are in agreement..for a very good reason!!

Please take care of yourself - lots of good advice on how above. Your mother is not going to change her views on this type of thing overnight, so in the meantime, focus on getting what helps you get through this.

Delphi, I'm so sorry you went through that . It sounds like you've worked hard to put this behind you and if your mum is going to insist on dragging your past into the present, you should maybe suggest that you are considering going to the police and reporting H as being an accessory to your rape. Perhaps that would help her understand that a horrible crime was committed against you by H, one that is unforgivable.

But she told her mum how upset she was, regardless of how her mum doesn't 'understand'. If my son or daughter told me what I was doing upset her, I would try my hardest to see her POV.

I keep shaking my head when I imagine your scenario in my life (if I were your mum), I would be calling the police and have to call on every power to not march H down the police station myself. I'm so angry on your behalf.

OP, I hope your mum is mulling it over and giving more thought to her reaction.

I agree, show her this thread, though I still think she might down-play it.

Will be thinking of you.

I'm a couple of years younger then your mum and I'm appalled by her attitude. I'm so very sorry that H betrayed you so terribly and that you mum has reacted like that, betraying you again. Youwere so brave to tell her.

What H did was disgusting and it was not your fault.

I would leave your mum to stew. Could you write to her, but not send it? I think it might help you to get it out.

Did H show the video and what did she do with it? I assume she watched if she videoed it (apologies for the graphic question), if yes, I'm not 100% but I think that changes the complexion of the crime and makes it much worse and her much more complicit?

I hope you can move on from this and put it all behind you. It needs dealing with and as it looks like you've suppressed this up till now, you really need to get advice/have therapy to enable you to.

Not sure where you are , OP, but RSVP is a brilliant charity. The one in Birmingham is really good, and they can provide support for you.

IWant, I agree that watching and abetting a rape is a crime, just as much as a rape.

Yanbu. I hope you will get a universal response. What a despicable person

That man raped you! Yanbu im shocked your mother says it happens when young and drunk. No it doesnt if you with real friends who protect you. H is no friend.

Oh OP

I would tread your Mum the riot act on this to be honest

H allowed someone to rape me, YES RAPE ME MUM, when I was unconscious
I am still upset about this to this day
She waited till I was unconscious and allowed her friend to do this
It was RAPE, not a fucking one night stand

so yeah, go ahead and have a catch up with someone that allowed her friend to rape me when I was unconscious Mum

and would you like the definition of rape versus a one night stand mum? of does the word consent make sense? do you know what that means?

I am so upset and angry on your behalf X

Thank you all so much for your well wishes. This thread has been really helpful to me.

To clarify - I'm not sure if there ever actually was a video. H told me there was, but when I got upset she said she was joking. On the night in question H had sex with one of her friends boyfriends (said friend was working at that time) and I kind of assume that she wanted to make me feel so awful so I didn't speak of that night to her friend. I know that sounds twisted but that really is what she was like.

I've had counselling with rape crisis in the past but this never came up. I will consider more counselling in the future.

My brother has rung wondering why I've upset my mum. She always manages to make everything about how she feels. My DP has actually suggested that it may be time to go NC with her. On the surface I always thought we had a good relationship but stuff like this brings out all my bad feelings about her.

oh god that's awful wherr has this video ended up?