To feel so betrayed and think this is not okay? - Trigger Warning

[DelphiBlue]

I'm posting in AIBU because I know I'll get honest replies here, but I'm really upset so please try to be relatively gentle.

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a friend, I'll call her H. H and I's relationship was pretty unhealthy and she was quite manipulative and mean but I cared for her and helped her out a lot through difficult times. She obviously met my parents a few times and in fact stayed with us for a week once when she was kicked out of her home. We have not spoken in about 7 years when I finally had enough and cut her off. The reasons for this are pretty extensive but I hope you will trust that they were all valid!

This week my mum called and said she had had a Facebook message from H and they had been chatting a bit and are going to meet up for a 'proper catch up'. She didn't ask if I minded, just told me. H wasn't particularly close with my mum when we were friends so it's quite confusing to me.

I had a long conversation with my mum and divulged to her the biggest reason why I don't want H anywhere near my life. When we were younger and had been out partying I got VERY drunk. H and a few of her friends were going back to hers, so she helped me into a cab, had to practically carry me upstairs, undressed me and put me into bed. I vaguely remember getting into bed but nothing of the journey home. When I was in bed in a complete slumber, one of H's male friends came into the room. I heard H say 'you can shag her but you better use a condom'. He came in and had sex with me and when I woke up next to him in the morning I felt like I wanted to die. I was so ashamed that I got dressed and left really early. Later that day H texted me laughing saying she'd recorded a video of me and this guy having sex on her phone. It was apparently a joke, but I obviously didn't find it very funny.

At the time I totally and completely blamed myself and felt really ashamed of what I'd done. But the past few years I've started to feel like actually what they both did was really not Ok. I can't imagine doing that to any of my girl friends drunk or sober.

My mum has told me I'm overreacting a bit and thinking too much into it. She said stuff like that happens when you're young and you go out drinking. That I shouldn't be het up over a one night stand and I can't blame H for that.

I've been crying all morning and a big part of me is beginning to doubt myself. Am I overreacting?

Just wanted to add to the chorus. YANBU, and it was certainly not ok. He raped you and H was complicit in that both he and she committed an offence that night. (see 'consent is like tea' if you want more info on whether it was rape). I'm really sorry that your mum wasn't more helpful, it wasn't a one night stand, you didn't consent.

Sorry if this is a 'drip feed' but both I and my mum were raped at younger ages, and she accepts those incidents for what they are. The thing is for both of us it was a stranger (like the only cases you see on crime watch) so I think she may struggle to understand different types

I'm sorry but your mum is wrong. This is not a normal part of going out and getting drunk. The alcohol is not the crime the rape is, Typical victim blaming, because I'm sorry this is what has happened, and you can indeed blame H, as previously said, she facilitated your rape, encouraged it. How dare she give someone permission to use YOUR body!!!!!!!!.. I'm sorry your mum hasn't been more supportive.
Hopefully you'll find the strength and courage to report both that sadistic Brute and that evil bitch for this henious crime.
My thoughts are with you.
Remember, we're always here.
(((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))s Love and thoughts and a hand to hold x

AnUtterIdiot no never. To be honest it only came up the last few years when I spoke to my partner about it and he was really shocked and disgusted. I'd discounted it as something shameful that I'd done and only recently have I begin to feel really violated by them.

Jesus jumping Christ OP. Your "friend" aided someone in your rape. It is not surprising you are devastated by your mum's reaction. Did you explain the full circumstances to her as you have done here, including the filming? Do you normally have a good relationship with her or is she usually this laissez-faire with regards to your wellbeing?

What H did was to be complicit in a serious crime with life changing implications for you.

Do you have any written (email?text?) evidence of her talking about the video she 'joked' about. Or any evidence about the event at all? Not that you need it, just curious as to how quickly we could nail these suck bastards.

(Sorry...I know you didn't ask for advice on legal proceedings)

I have unfortunate experience as a teen of someone getting me too drunk to consent (hindsight points toward him spiking my drink) and if my daughter one day confides in me (dear god I hope she never has to) I know 100% I would not minimalise it or tell her she is overreacting. Your Mum is wrong, really wrong. I hope you are ok xx

OK, I'm not defending your mum's response, but it does go some way to possibly explain why she is acting why she is.

I think she's in denial about this and, as her experience (and yours) was so horrific, I think she's unable to se anything else as just as bad.

I'm really very sorry that you've had such horrendous experiences, both are terrible but I think it's the betrayal of H that is very painful for you right now.

I think you need to tell your mum that it DOES matter, it ISN'T 'just one of those things' and you'll feel incredibly betrayed and hurt if she continues a relationship with this 'friend'.

What she said to the perpetrator was hideous enough but to film it? Sick and massive abuse of trust and friendship.

Another voice to say no yanbu. I agree with a pp that something similarish may have happened to your mum (I did read your post about the stranger rape) and that by minimising what happened to you she may be also minimising for herself. She is right that it was a different time with different attitudes but that doesn't make what H did to you acceptable. At all.

Shocking events and an appalling response by your mother. I'm sorry she cannot see it for what it is to give you better support. I agree with other pp's that you may want to consider police involvement now.

Do you have the video?
Ask your mum not to meet her and not to explain why.
H sounds hideous and disturbed

Oh OP, I am so so sorry this has happened to you. I want to say first that I, like other posters believe everything you have said and that you are NOT overreacting. What happened to you is very wrong, you were the victim of a crime. That fact doesn't change or lessen the seriousness or impact over time.

At this point the most important thing is to get yourself support so that you can process what happened and start healing. Go to your GP and ask for a referral to the counselling service. You will probably have a bit of a wait but at least things will be moving in the right direction. Caring for yourself at this stage might mean putting a bit of distance between you and your mum, if that's easy to do without confrontation...? If you must, explain that not only do you disagree with her but she is absolutely in the wrong and she must respect that. Ask her not to mention H or anything they have done/discussed in your presence.

Do you look after yourself

Yadnbu! That woman was complicit in your rape op I can't believe your mum thinks that's ok. I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship I had with my mum if I was you.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and that you've had to carry this around with you with no support.

My mum would handbag a bloke who did anything like that to me. It is not OK, it is rape.

See 1 minute 24.

You were raped.

Show your mum this thread.

Let her see that her 'view' is wrong.

Its not okay, and if your mum pursues this weird friendship with H, in spite of both your feelings and what you've told her, I would take it as a really strong and nasty message to you.

I'm sorry op.

Jesus Christ love, YANBU. The only place your mum should want to see H is in court!

I'm so so sorry they did this to you

You have a point, Draylon, and I think we underestimate how depraved the period 1960-1980 was in terms of the free for all surrounding young people and children and assuming illicit acts were fine, but I am 48 and my mum would still have handbagged someone who did that to me as a young girl.

Dear god, you are not unreasonable, you did nothing wrong, you should not feel ashamed.

H is a fucking sick bitch, please talk to rape crisis. I hope one day, not too far away, you are in the right frame of mind to report what happened. H and the bloke should be charged.

As for your Mum, given her history, maybe admitting that what happened to you was rape would mean admitting that she herself was raped, and maybe she can't do that. Who knows?

I'm so sorry that happened to you Delphi

Are you happy, do you have a nice life? I wish every good thing for you.

You were raped, and your friend allowed it, even encouraged it. I'm so sorry for what you've gone through.

Your mum has obviously been inpacted from her own experiences, but she should be on your side here unquestionably.

Much love.

Draylon you are exactly the same age as my mum and I do take your points on board. I don't know why she hasn't moved on from that attitude, but either way I can't imagine either of my kids coming to me with something that was really upsetting them and dismissing them so easily.

I don't understand why she even agreed to meet with H when she knew we don't speak any more.