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Original poster

To be sad that my life is turning out exactly how I predicted it would

66 replies

FlowersAndShit · 07/03/2016 14:26

I'm 25, spent most of my life being agoraphobic/suffering with anxiety/depression/no friends/no job/never had a relationship.

I'm nc with my sister and have heard through my dad that she is getting married and wants me to come to the wedding in 3 years time. I cried and cried.

My sister is very popular so her wedding will be a big one, and I'll be the pathetic barren spinster sitting with my mum or dad wishing it was me.

I suppose the wedding invite is an olive branch (she was verbally abusive and told me I was a cunt) but I fear looking even more of a cunt if I don't go.

All I've ever wanted is to be a mum and be married, but my life is turning out exactly how I'd feared it would.

Who wants to bed in 3 years time i'll still be a barren spinster, but even more jaded and fucked up?

I can't make myself fertile, I can't make a man marry me, I can't make my mh issues go away. I can't make people like me, either.

I just feel so unlucky and angry, why me?

OP posts:
HeyMacWey · 07/03/2016 14:29

It's not too late - you're only 25 and have lots of time to meet someone and have a family - families come in different shapes and sizes these days.

What can you do to make positive changes to your life? Support groups? Counselling? Medication?

ghostyslovesheep · 07/03/2016 14:34

there is always so much negativity in your posts - you can change things - medication, support, anxiety cafes, 1-1 therapy

You don't have to be a victim you can be in control

SoHereItIs2016 · 07/03/2016 14:35

OP without wishing to sound harsh, you need to channel some of the energy you are currently investing in feeling angry and unlucky, into making some positive changes. At 25 yrs of age you literally have nearly your whole adult life still ahead of you. Many many years to meet a great guy, and maybe have kids etc with. Life isn't a series of things you can just 'get'. Some people, are indeed 'lucky' in that they find things that might ( or might not) make them happy early on, however there is no guarantee this will result in an easy life.
There are effective treatments of agoraphobia, really very effective if you are willing to engage fully with treatment. If you have low self esteem counselling and getting out and doing stuff you might enjoy can help with that. If you don't fancy your sisters wedding ( in three years time!! 😁) then you really are under no obligation to go.
Stop wallowing and start DOING!!

Cutecat78 · 07/03/2016 14:36

3 years?! Shock

ApocalypseSlough · 07/03/2016 14:36

3 years before having dc1 I was single. I met now DH, had a sensible length 'courtship' got engaged, got married a few months later and then had DC a year later. I was your age when I met him and a completely average aged first time mum. You really do have time on your side. What can you do today to address your MH problems?

Original poster
FlowersAndShit · 07/03/2016 14:38

I've tried many different kinds of therapy - all work in the very short term. I'm on medication, i'm going to a support group but all the ladies are much older than me and have families of their own.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 07/03/2016 14:40

Oh dude, you're 25. Life has barely begun.

I know how patronising I must sound, but some years from now you'll be sat with your husband and your baby, and you'll be giggling at the younger self who used to think it would never happen.

Jw35 · 07/03/2016 14:42

You need to read the book 'the secret' it will explain everything to you!

SoHereItIs2016 · 07/03/2016 14:42

But flowers the support group I assume is for the agoraphobia, MH issues? Why should it matter that all the other ladies are mums/ have families?
You seem to be very very focused on this issue.

Are you currently able to work? Volunteer? Study? Even with reasonable adjustments? You need to take small steady steps to recovery. No pill or even therapy will make you life good in isolation, you need to make changes in a. Number of areas?

What therapies have you tried already?

SoHereItIs2016 · 07/03/2016 14:43

Is suspect that the reason the therapy has not been successful longer term is that you are not using the period of improvement to make these positive changes which would result in you feeling better general,y, therefore reducing the likelihood of relapse/ slipping back.

Tell us what you week looks like!

waffilyversati1e · 07/03/2016 14:45

Are you having counselling? or seeing anyone? 3 years is a long time to worry about this. This is your life, nobody is going to make it better if you don't x

GiddyOnZackHunt · 07/03/2016 14:50

Blimey. At 28 I was a 'pathetic' childless, divorcee. Or to put it another way, I was free of a crap marriage, going out and doing things and having a splendid time.

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo · 07/03/2016 14:51

3 years. I reckon you can do it.
It sounds like you've been dealt a duff hand but I truly believe the best people emerge from bad situations.
Small steps are the way to go. You're young. Who knows what's on your horizon - controlling your MH, adoption, a lovely man who loves you the way you are.
Chin up and firstly don't be so bloody horrible to yourself. Reframe that to ' I'm an inspirationslly strong young woman who despite the shitstorm life has thrown at me, is getting through each day ' you're a warrior!

AprilDHarvey · 07/03/2016 14:57

Hi Flowers, here are some flowers :) Flowers
I'm really, very sorry to hear you feel this way and I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult time for a while now but I can promise you there is hope! I know, I know. Cliché and boring but it's true. I speak from personal experience.

Here's the key thing I picked up from your post. You've clearly given up and resigned yourself to a life of depression, loneliness, anxiety etc. Your not a bad or lazy person for doing this but the lack of will and want to get better is probably a big factor in why you can't seem to get out the slump. You're only 25, that's so young and you have so much time ahead of you. You need to find the motivation in yourself to get better, no one else can do it for you and then take some positive steps.

Therapy, medication, self-help, diet, exercise and counselling groups are all great starts but take things one day at a time, baby steps! One thing to remember, if you don't like a certain counselling group, medication or therapist you don't have to stick with them but don't give up on it altogether. If you don't like your therapist, find another, try a few out. If you don't like your medication, speak to your doctor about exploring a different kind and so on.

I hope this is helpful and makes sense since I have the terrible habit of rambling haha!

PortobelloRoad · 07/03/2016 15:08

You do not need to read The Secret, it's a victim blaming pile of shite Hmm. That kind of positive thinking tends to make people feel worse in the long run.

There are proper ways to do positive thinking that could really help you, lots of self etseem and gratitude/positivity self help. Not to mind counselling/therapy and medication and self care (like exercise etc) that would be wonderful for you.

I really would seek some help, making small changes and reaching for support. The help is there and the changes are possible.

I hope you feel better soon Smile Flowers

bluespiral · 07/03/2016 15:17

I remember when my younger brother got engaged. I (privately) cried. I was happy for him but believed it was never going to happen for me.

Literally a couple of weeks later I met my now DH. Exactly one year and one day after meeting him, our (unplanned!) DD was born. We ended up getting married just 3 months after my brother.

You never know what's round the corner. Flowers

Jw35 · 07/03/2016 15:40

You're entitled to your opinion Portobello but that book has been good for me!

LifeofI · 07/03/2016 15:51

My god you sound just like me two years ago, op honestly things do change especially in 3 years.
3 years ago my house got robbed, i was depressed had a big court case and broke as fuk living in a horrible flat.
I am single but i now live in a nice flat, i have a job and money, im not depressed anymore and i have had surgery which is something i always wanted and never thought at that time 2013 i would ever get done. I am hoping to have a business next year as well.
SO MUCH changes in years OP, this is a bad time for you, 3 yrs ago i was 24 so near your age. EVERYONE goes through this depressive stage, but please dont let this eat you up because that is one thing i regret.
When my house got robbed it was by an ex friend, i blamed myself and was so angry for years, i honestly probably only got over it last year that is one thing i do regret not getting on with life and living in my depressed bubble for so long.

ylaipi · 07/03/2016 16:22

I used to be a bit like you. I just wanted to be married with a baby, have friends to do stuff with, have some sort of a career... but for years I was hampered by severe anxiety. I often struggled to leave the house for weeks.

Why not try online dating? I used to medicate myself heavily for dates, and became friends with a few of the men. That helped me break out of the dark place I was in, going out for coffee and walks and listening to them talk about their problems and ex-wives! I was open about my anxiety.

When I married last year I was still a bit of a recluse. I had a job but few friends. Then I had a baby! Despite endometriosis we conceived easily. I made lots of new friends through NCT and baby groups and now have an active social life. My anxiety is almost non existent these days.

My advice: find a partner. Someone kind, with a good job, so he can support both of you until you feel well enough to get out in the world. Someone who can afford fertility treatment if you need it. The right partner could transform your life and it sounds like you need someone on hand 24/7 to help get you out of where you are now. Someone to give you confidence, encouragement, reassurance, to take the pressure off. To reduce the loneliness. When you spend all your time alone it's hard to break out of a negative spiral.

Don't sit at home wishing for change. Get out there and make it happen! Flowers

Purplepicnic · 07/03/2016 16:57

You're not allowed to use the words spinster or barren until the age of 40, minimum. That's 15 years away. Imagine how much can happen in 15 years.

BitchPeas · 07/03/2016 17:07

Sorry if this is an insensitive question but why are you describing yourself as barren? Do you suffer from a medical condition that makes you infertile?

3 years is a long time to change your life, the only person who can do that is you though. Flowers

ProfessorPickles · 07/03/2016 17:15

OP, I know it won't feel like it but there will be things you can do to help you out of this slump so you can make friends, meet a partner and get a job and a life for yourself.
Is there anything in particular that you enjoy or are interested in?
Have you worked previously?
Any hobbies?

I know it's hard to feel positive about anything when you are really down and struggling with anxiety but both myself and other posters have got through similar and there will be help and support available to get you to a better place in your life too

goddessofsmallthings · 07/03/2016 17:17

I've tried many different types of therapy - all work in the very short term

The reason why these therapies have only worked in the 'very short term' is that you don't follow through on the skills and insights they've taught you in the long term.

Buck your ideas up, OP. Your life will be only be as good as you make it and there's no reason why you shouldn't seek to make it a good one.

whois · 07/03/2016 17:32

Well, obviously you are in a a bad place, but ultimately you need to help yourself here.

My advice: find a partner. Someone kind, with a good job, so he can support both of you until you feel well enough to get out in the world. Someone who can afford fertility treatment if you need it. The right partner could transform your life and it sounds like you need someone on hand 24/7 to help get you out of where you are now.

Wow. How many people (male or female) would be happy to take on such a huge caring role for someone right from the get go?

icanteven · 07/03/2016 17:36

At 25 I was single and childless because, seriously, at 25 that's what you SHOULD be (apols to anyone here married and blissfully happy with 5 kids at that age). I met my DH when I was 28, had my first baby at 30. Honestly, I wouldn't have done it an hour earlier, because you will be giving enough of your life over to family - you should eke out those single years as long as possible!

Also, your sister is passing messages through the family that she might invite you to her wedding in THREE YEARS? Is she 12 or something? I think you can pat yourself on the back for not being so utterly childish as she is, right?

I think that therapy is something that you need to continue with and take seriously - you can't just pick it up and put it down again. You need to learn from it, and apply the techniques that you are taught to your life in the long term.

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