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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be sad that my life is turning out exactly how I predicted it would

66 replies

FlowersAndShit · 07/03/2016 14:26

I'm 25, spent most of my life being agoraphobic/suffering with anxiety/depression/no friends/no job/never had a relationship.

I'm nc with my sister and have heard through my dad that she is getting married and wants me to come to the wedding in 3 years time. I cried and cried.

My sister is very popular so her wedding will be a big one, and I'll be the pathetic barren spinster sitting with my mum or dad wishing it was me.

I suppose the wedding invite is an olive branch (she was verbally abusive and told me I was a cunt) but I fear looking even more of a cunt if I don't go.

All I've ever wanted is to be a mum and be married, but my life is turning out exactly how I'd feared it would.

Who wants to bed in 3 years time i'll still be a barren spinster, but even more jaded and fucked up?

I can't make myself fertile, I can't make a man marry me, I can't make my mh issues go away. I can't make people like me, either.

I just feel so unlucky and angry, why me?

OP posts:
ImogenTubbs · 07/03/2016 17:49

OP - you are 25. I hardly know anyone who had it all sorted at 25. I didn't even meet DH until I was 30, and didn't have DD until I was 35. Time is on your side.

From your post though you sound seriously negative and depressed - you need to find a way to believe that you deserve happiness and that you have the power to change your life - because you do and you can. Have you spoken to GP/counsellor? Try taking some tiny steps - you don't have to fix everything all at once, but talking to someone could be a good way forwards. I'm sorry you feel like this.

ylaipi · 07/03/2016 18:18

Wow. How many people (male or female) would be happy to take on such a huge caring role for someone right from the get go?

Why do you assume it's a huge caring role? Sounds to me like OP has a lot to offer, she's clearly intelligent and sensitive with a strong maternal instinct and desire to settle down. Plenty of men would be delighted to support someone who wants to focus on home-making and family... I met many men like this via online dating.
My DH was very supportive of my anxiety issues (which I had when I met him). When I was too scared to go out he took me for drives in the car, brought food, we had many cosy nights in watching movies the first few years. He was gentle and patient with me. I didn't speak much back then but I was a good listener, good cook and he felt he could be himself around me. When we moved in together my confidence improved more and with him by my side I started going out, socialising, having guests to stay. I progressed in my career too. It helps to have someone to come home to, someone to reassure you and push you forward. Being alone just reinforces the cycle of negativity and fear. BTW I also had years of therapy, worked at self-help strategies and took meds but it can be hard to keep it up without moral support.

FigMango1 · 07/03/2016 18:49

My advice: find a partner. Someone kind, with a good job, so he can support both of you until you feel well enough to get out in the world. Someone who can afford fertility treatment if you need it. The right partner could transform your life and it sounds like you need someone on hand 24/7 to help get you out of where you are now.

Probably the worst advice ever given! How selfish to dump that on a partner and use them that way. So this partner is supposed to work and support both people and also be on hand 24/7Hmm rubbish advice.

Flowers you're 25 and the wedding is 3 years away. You have to believe that you can turn this all around for yourself. If the therapy isn't working then you need to think why and how is it failing you. What else do you need to do/try to make this work. You can do it, you really can. Don't write yourself off because you deserve to have a good life Thanks

FlowersAndShit · 07/03/2016 18:57

Thanks for the replies. I'm feeling a bit better now after talking with my mum.

I have been planning for awhile to use a sperm donor to have children, unless I meet someone within the next 2 years or so. I suffer with endometriosis and adenomyosis so it's pretty uncertain if I will be able to conceive. Given my luck, I will probably have difficulty and need expensive treatment.

ylaipi That sounds wonderful but you were probably very lucky - I doubt many men would be like that.

OP posts:
ylaipi · 07/03/2016 19:01

Who said anything about 'using' a partner? Relationships are about mutual support. Why do you think OP can't offer a partner the same level of emotional support, companionship and guidance?

IMO humans are social beings, we're not designed to live alone. Loneliness and isolation reinforces anxiety. Sounds like therapy and meds haven't helped OP; what she really wants is a partner and family. The loving support of an understanding partner could be what she needs to recover. Saying she should deal with her issues before having a relationship is unrealistic; she has tried and is struggling to cope alone.

If she wants to be a housewife/SAHP there are plenty of men who desire this. It's not 'using' them if she doesn't have a job or needs help to manage her anxiety! As long as she is upfront, why would it be a problem?

ylaipi · 07/03/2016 19:05

Flowers... I met plenty of men via online dating who didn't see my anxiety disorder as a problem. They were understanding, kind and opened up about their own problems. It helped that we chatted online and emailed a lot before meeting in person. I'm still good friends with some of them today!

Don't be disheartened... you are still so young. But do take action to get what you want, simply wishing for change doesn't lead anywhere.

HPsauciness · 07/03/2016 19:30

Flowers I don't want to give you false hope as I don't think you need that, but it's very hard to tell if your endo and adeno will cause infertility- I assumed mine would (statistically) but it didn't and I was in my early thirties.

I think it's great that you are attending this support group, but obviously it is a bit hard as you are perhaps at a different life stage than some of the women there- however, this could make for a friendship or two which could support you (and you them) towards having a stable homelife. Being around slightly older people may not be a disadvantage here- if you go out with other 25 year olds you will find many who aren't settling down yet and won't share your aspirations about a family.

It sounds like earlier you had a bad day. It's hard when you have a bad day to pick yourself up. Hope the rest of the day has gone better.

BeBe32 · 07/03/2016 19:34

Hi OP,

I just want to say I understand. I have suffered with anxiety and depression for most of my life. I work but I find it a real struggle. I have always wanted to have children and get married but have had no real relationships and at the age of 32 with no prospect of a relationship on the horizon I can't help but think time is running out.

Good to hear some positive stories on this thread so thanks to people for sharing.

JessieMcJessie · 07/03/2016 19:45

I second the PP who said that at 25 it's much better to be single and child free. I (and my parents) would have been horrified if marriage had been on the cards at that age!

Nobody would look at a woman under 30 and give more than a second thought to her being single and childless. It's common at that age.

Have you tried studying something (distance learning if attending a course is too tough for you)?

FellOutOfBedTwice · 07/03/2016 20:03

Three years before my DD was born I hadn't yet met my husband. I was 25 then. Three years and five days after the day he walked into my life our daughter was born and we had been married for 18 months. You have no idea what's around the corner.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 07/03/2016 20:11

Lovely, you're only 25. That's no age to be writing your life off at.

Have you looked at the deep rooting issues causing you to feel this way? Several years ago I felt exactly the same as you, and now life is entirely different.

Don't give up on yourself.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 07/03/2016 20:15

Fifteen years ago I was sitting a psych ward, after a broken engagement, with dreadful endometriosis and I couldn't do the only job I was trained for because of health reasons. I felt utterly inadequate.

I thought that the shape of my life was set forever. At that time, I could look back and trace lots of bad stuff which only seemed to be getting worse.

Now I'm married, with small children. I had a beautiful white wedding. But my life didn't change easily. I went all out to get it because I was so very frightened of things not getting better. Now not everyone suffering from depression can change things for themselves but I was lucky enough to be able to, and if you have the get up and go to think through all these issues and start a thread, you are far from incapable.

You have GOT to give yourself a kick and start getting positive.

LuluJakey1 · 07/03/2016 20:18

I didn't meet DH until I was 30. We got married nearly year later and didn't have children for almost 5 years. Am almost 37 and DS is just 15 months.

You have years ahead of you to meet someone. I kissed nothing but frogs from 22 until I met DH.

LuluJakey1 · 07/03/2016 20:20

When I did meet him I had been single for almost a year- just looking after me. I had decided to be happy by myself instead of letting rubbish men upset me.

Frika · 07/03/2016 20:22

Honestly, OP, I until I clocked you were 25 I thought this was a post from someone in extreme old age who was miserably disappointed in ninety years of life.

OK, first thing - as Jessie said, no one looks at a 25 year old, or a 28 year old, and thinks 'barren spinster'. In fact, in my universe, I doubt anyone thinks of anyone, of any age, in such sexist, disparaging terms. I have wonderful, fulfilled single, childfree female friends in their forties and fifties who are certainly not defined in terms of not being married or a parent. You clearly think that those are bad things to be, but that's your own poor self-image speaking, rather than anything anyone at your sister's wedding in three years is likely to think.

The wedding may not be your idea of a wonderfully good time, but there's zero basis for thinking other guests will be writing you off as some kind of loser.

I can't make myself fertile, I can't make a man marry me, I can't make my mh issues go away. I can't make people like me, either.

It's interesting that you're focusing on what you can't do, or seeing life in terms of what you think is down to fate/luck/something other people have to do for/to you. And if you'll excuse me saying so, it's a cop out.

You can certainly work on your MH issues - other posters have made good suggestions. No one is suggesting it will be easy, but with hard work and commitment to therapies etc, it's certainly possible to make real improvements in many MH conditions. I think that is something you need to prioritise over any of your other life goals. Marriage and/or having a child isn't some kind of cure-all for anxiety and agoraphobia - in fact pregnancy and having a new born can be a real flashpoint for MH issues. (I had post-natal psychosis myself, and found maternity leave the most difficult and isolating time in my entire life.)

And many men and women in perfect psychological good health find getting out there and finding a partner in the first place difficult - ditto fertility treatment.

Which is not to discourage you in the slightest - quite the opposite.

What I'm saying is that much of what you're hoping for - the desire to find a significant other, marry them, and have a child - is shared by a lot of people, most of whom haven't found a spouse or had a child by 25. You're sharing this wish with an awful lot of the human race, and a lot of the human race share your current situation of not having found your partner yet.

But it often takes effort to find a marriage partner, and having a better control of your MH issues is going to be key with dealing with the ups and downs of relationships, trying to conceive or fertility treatment or adoption alone or with a partner, and being a parent.

If you want this, you're going to have to work for it. Good luck.

DeoGratias · 07/03/2016 20:37

I would concentrate on your career for now and indeed use IVF by sperm donor if you want children in due course and don't have a partner. It sounds like things are improving.

TheSilveryPussycat · 07/03/2016 20:41

Do have a look at, and maybe post on, the Mental Health board where there are many people supporting each other with managing their MH.

mrsmortis · 07/03/2016 20:57

If you had told me on my 30th birthday that within three years I'd be married and be planning a family i'd've probably laughed at you. I'd been single for most of my adult life and I was happy and fulfilled. Who needs a man? Of course then DH came along and we sort of fell together and it all got complicated, but that is beside the point...

No one knows what the future holds. Concentrate on getting yourself well and being happy as you are. Being a spinster is a very old fashioned concept. Being a success or a failure has more to do with who you are and who you want to be than playing happy families.

RapunzelStyle · 07/03/2016 21:03

3 years? Fuck me - maybe I should book my wedding now in case I meet someone if that's how far ahead you have to think!

Good chance the wedding will never happen, OP!

LoveBoursin · 07/03/2016 21:15

Flower at 25yo I was still a virgin.... and certainly hadn't met anyone to build my life with.

I'm now nearly 50yo, with a DH and two lovely dcs...

I do belive though that what makes a difference with how happy you are with your life is how you feel about yourself and how well you ook after yourself.
If I had any advice to give to my younger self, it would be to spend much more time looking after my health and MH. Oh and to stop looking at myself and find all the things that are 'wrong' rather than remembering all the qualities I have.

SoThatHappened · 07/03/2016 21:18

You need to read the book 'the secret' it will explain everything to you!

i cant believe this was suggested. The same book that says if you get cancer it's your fault.

Dont' read that book OP. It's horse shit.

stumblymonkey · 07/03/2016 21:42

I echo that at 25 you are absolutely normal to be single and without children.

I'm in the South East and it would be considered highly unusual to be anything else at that age. I don't know one person in my (fairly large) circle of friends that was settled down at that age.

As for me...two years ago at 31 I was in a psychiatric hospital after a breakdown being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, had been single most of my adult life and was extremely unhappy.

Now I'm very content, settled down with my DP and trying for a family.

I did however put a lot of effort into turning things around...I persevered with more therapy, changed medication, got a volunteer role in my spare time to boost my self esteem, took up hobbies. I read A LOT about positive psychology and building my self esteem and made it my absolute focus.

stumblymonkey · 07/03/2016 21:42

I agree with sothathappened on The Secret. Absolute load of bollocks.

Kayakinggirl86 · 07/03/2016 21:54

Hugs, at 25,26,27I could have written a similar post. Then at 28/29 I decided life was to short, I started using my full holiday allowance to get out and see the world, I took up long distance swimming (ie swam the channel, and a few other crazy distances), I took up marathon running. Met an amazing guy. Got married, became a step mother. Was just thinking as I tucked my 9 year old up last night how much my life has changed in the last 4 Years, due to medical reasons I may never have my own baby to hold but I love my step kids as though they are mine. I know I used to hate it when people said this but your time will come. Just enjoy the season you are currently in. You don't know what the next season will hold.

Kayakinggirl86 · 07/03/2016 21:56

In simple terms, find some thing you enjoy doing. Learn to love yourself and remember what will be will be.

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