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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to send DS to school without breakfast

86 replies

BreakfastMuffin · 07/03/2016 10:02

We're trying to eat healthier and this morning DS (11 yo) came down to breakfast and asked for a double chocolate muffin (what he usually eats) I said we haven't got any and explained that we are going to stop buying them so often as they're not a healthy option. I offered him toast, cereal, grapefruit, porridge. No, it had to be a chocolate muffin OR one of those hot microwave chocolate pot desserts with chocolate middle.. I said no, you're not having it as it's for after dinner. He then said he's not eating anything for breakfast and he's not eating lunch at school either ( he won't now he's said it!) so I said fine, as I still didn't have the muffins and I don't want to buy them either... Then we had the usual 'everyone at the school has buns/muffins/junk food for breakfast and I'm a terrible mum for not letting him do the same'.. So for tomorrow my options are: buy chocolate muffins and let him have one and I'll have peace or Don't buy any and have the stress. Also in the car on the way to school we always have a snack eg carrots, red peppers etc. well today he didn't want the carrot as he said he's not eating.

OP posts:

mummymeister · 07/03/2016 10:21

I don't agree with sending an 11 year old to school without breakfast especially knowing he isn't going to have his lunch now either. one day wont hurt but this could become a battle of wills with a teenager.

I think you are absolutely right to make changes but slowly would be more likely to be successful.

toast and Nutella, croissants, hot cross buns with butter. sit down with him tonight and get a compromise. What will he eat then that you can agree to. don't make this so much of an issue that eating problems develop.

what would you normally do for tea? is this starting one meal at a time to be healthier or is it just breakfast. if just breakfast then it will be easier to beat.

I always think with teenagers its best to pick your battles and this is one that you can win if you play the long game.

Marynary · 07/03/2016 10:22

A couple of days of stress will be worth it in the long run. He'll not go with nothing for long but if you back down now it sets a precedent!!!

Considering that a significant proportion of older children don't eat breakfast at all in the morning, I very much doubt that it will only take a couple of days for him to eat a healthy breakfast.

sadie9 · 07/03/2016 10:22

The point here is: you continuously fed your child a chocolate muffin for breakfast for years possibly. Out of the blue, you Change The Rules without warning and request that he eat something else. Kid is outraged and with good reason. You made a decision about a routine change and didn't discuss it with him beforehand. And on a stressful school day as well.
It's not about not getting a Muffin. It's about someone making a decision that really really affects me, on a stressful Monday morning, and didn't consult me over something that is a part of my life.
If you are making a lifestyle change that affects the whole family, you will get much more acceptance if you present it to them with the advantages of it, and get them to 'buy into' it.
It is really great you are taking steps to change to healthier eating, however it is better to start yourself and show an example, then have a plan in place to switch and swap out foods one by one over time. Rather than what seems to everyone like some whim you got into your head because you got a stab of guilt or read an article over the weekend.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/03/2016 10:24

Just tell him that's not one of the breakfast options anymore. End of story.

And no, he definitely won't starve himself.

Marynary · 07/03/2016 10:25

KoalaDownUnder He might stop eating breakfast though.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 07/03/2016 10:26

Honestly I think this is a mess of your own making and being bloody minded about it is not helpful.

Going from max junk to none without warning when you've allowed this for years is going to feel like a punishment rather than a sensible decision.

Personally I'd have given him the eggs. So what if he eats them every day?

KoalaDownUnder · 07/03/2016 10:26

Toast and Nutella is virtually the same as a chocolate muffin.

I'd imagine that children who don't eat any breakfast at all have other reasons. Like, nobody is providing any. Not 'I can't have cake for breakfast anymore so I'm never eating breakfast again'. Surely.

calamityjam · 07/03/2016 10:28

I'd go with making your own muffins or better still get ds to make them which is good practice for food tech at high school.

StitchesInTime · 07/03/2016 10:28

He's unlikely to starve in one day of refusing to eat breakfast or lunch.

Did you talk to him about the planned change in diet before this morning?

I think it would be useful to talk about it tonight. Don't back down on the chocolate muffins, but talk about what other breakfast foods he could eat. I'd also consider eggs every day for breakfast to be healthy enough btw.

KoalaDownUnder · 07/03/2016 10:28

If he's given a couple of healthy, tasty options, he'll eventually eat breakfast, I'd think. Whh wouldn't he?

He's making a stand now in the hope that you'll relent and buy more chocolate muffins, because he's pissed off.

Bitchrestingface · 07/03/2016 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Queenie73 · 07/03/2016 10:29

Could you get him to help you make a batch of banana muffins tonight, for breakfast in the morning? In the short term, he won't come to any serious harm from missing a few meals, and he's old enough to get involved in making his own food/ making healthier choices.

Original poster

BreakfastMuffin · 07/03/2016 10:32

It's just the breakfast mummymeister, he'd eat a healthy meal for dinner, he's not picky then as he'd eat veg, fish, rice etc. but would always expect a pudding at the end.. Which is why I'm trying to cut down on muffins at breakfast, it wasn't exactly out of the blue as we talk about healthy eating at the table (we also have a younger DD) but perhaps should have specifically emphasised about the muffins!! Thanks everyone for your comments

OP posts:

mummymeister · 07/03/2016 10:33

Koaladownunder I am not an expert in eating disorders. some children don't eat breakfast because they have a disorder and from what I understand many of these issue start in their teens. they happen in boys as well as girls.

I have a child with an eating problem which developed when they were very young. it is a complete nightmare now and actually, yes, he would starve himself if I tried to change his routine. (we have been in hospital on drips etc so not just your ordinary level of being hungry)

I just think going from one side of the pendulum to the other is never going to work. It sends out a very mixed message.

the idea of toast and Nutella is that you then introduce other more healthy toppings. its the weaning away from the rubbish in a slow and controlled manner.

if the OP does try to impose then he will get around it by buying the rubbish on the way to school. better to engage with him and manage the change.

Marynary · 07/03/2016 10:33

I'd imagine that children who don't eat any breakfast at all have other reasons. Like, nobody is providing any.

Really? If you think that my guess is that you only have young children. Many adults and teenagers don't like to eat at 7 a.m. It's certainly hard work to get mine to eat anything. They would much rather go without.

PovertyPain · 07/03/2016 10:33

Calm down folks. Ok the OP shouldn't have given muffins for breakfast but she's now asking for advice, so why not give some instead of slating her?

What if you suggest that he can have a muffin once a week but he has to eat breakfasts on the other days, in order to get that? Why don't the two of you work out a new 'breakfast menu' for the week, so he feels like he has a say? Eggs would certainly be a healthier option.

I noticed you mentioned the chocolate hot pots, does he get sugary deserts every day. That, on top of whatever sweets he may eat today, sounds like an awful lit of sugar, OP.

Notcontent · 07/03/2016 10:34

I think rather than springing on him, you need to have a chat about healthy eating etc.

To be honest, if you are also serving up chocolate puddings on a regular basis, it's going to be hard to change your family's eating habits.

Astrophe · 07/03/2016 10:34

Good for you OP, for making positive changes for your family :)
I don't think you should back down, but I wonder whether you could take a more collaborative approach with your son- sit down for a chat when he's calm and not angry (maybe over an afternoon tea chocolate muffin?), explain what changes you want to make and why.

You could each list what you would see as "acceptable" (not just your "ideal") breakfast options, and see what common ground you find? Or come up with a compromise whereby he can have a muffin on Fridays only, and needs to choose alternatives on other days? Be as flexible as you can- can he eat a ham and cheese sandwich? Dinner leftovers? Doesn't have to be traditional western breakfast foods to be healthy.

Tbh I doubt there would be a massive difference, nutritionally speaking, between toast and jam, or pancakes and spreads, and a muffin, but you could look at those as stepping stones to healthier choices - maybe agree to review again in a month and try to drill down and get a bit healthier with each review.

Good luck OP :) I know how bloody minded kids this age can be!

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2016 10:35

I think how you handle this now is very important.

Yes he's sulking, but if you react angrily to what is after all a problem of your own making, you could well cause him to have food issues in the future.

I think a lot of people on MN tend to call 'food issues' a bit too often, but in this case it could possibly cause them, if he ends up feeling as though he's to blame for his reaction.

Work on it slowly and hopefully you'll resolve it eventually but it won't happen overnight.

TeddTess · 07/03/2016 10:35

i don't think you'll go from chocolate muffin to porridge...

how about home made banana bread ?
or bagels?
eggs are a great healthy breakfast, every day is fine.

WorraLiberty · 07/03/2016 10:36

I'd imagine that children who don't eat any breakfast at all have other reasons. Like, nobody is providing any.

That's not true at all actually.

I haven't eaten breakfast since I was in year 5 at Junior school.

I'm 46 now and still can't eat it.

Verbena37 · 07/03/2016 10:37

Gosh, everybody being very judgey.....for all we know, there may be an underlying reason why he only eats a muffin for breakfast that the OP hasn't said.

OP, I would certainly worry more if he had no breakfast, although my DD often cannot face breakfast so soon after waking.
You mention he likes pancakes.....could you make them up the night before, freeze the rest and then microwave him one for brekkie? A quick so,union if he will eat pancakes.

Perhaps get him to help bake some different types of muffins with dried fruit or nuts in etc and perhaps allow him one choc. Muffin for a Friday etc?

Involving him in the planned changes I believe will make it easier on him without making him out to be naughty and unhealthy. I find them seeing it written down in an official document/article makes them more accepting of changes.

You're obviously a good mum. Don't worry.

TeddTess · 07/03/2016 10:38

I'd also sit down with him and explain why
xg of saturated fat
xg of sugar
no vitamins or fibre.

that's your whole daily allowance in one muffin with no goodness.

cuckoooo · 07/03/2016 10:40

Giving in to your kids' demands because it is easier is called BAD PARENTING. There are so many bad parents out there - DON'T BE ONE.

This behaviour needs to be completely rooted out. It is worth the stress in the short term. Set clear rules and clear punishments.

YANBU sending him to school without breakfast if he is refusing to eat it. He has to learn somehow.

Astrophe · 07/03/2016 10:41

Home made banana muffins with chocolate chips and a half cup of oats in the mix would be a good compromise to get you started. Mmmm. I might make a batch tomorrow...

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