To not let my MIL babysit and cancel this weekend away if we have to?

[laggielatcher]

DH has booked a weekend away just us 2 for my 40th and our 15yr wedding anniversary. He has said he is going to ask his Mum to babysit. I'm torn over this.

I will start by saying I am a little dog phobic. Was badly attacked by one as a child and still have the scars to prove it. I'm OK around small dogs that I know and are well trained and happy to let DC play with them etc.

MIL has just rescued a dog from her local dogs home (not 100% sure on breed sorry) but it's a "big" dog. Very little is known about it's past- but MIL herself told me it barred it's teeth at a child who got over excited when they were out walking a few weeks ago.

She treats it like a baby- it's allowed to go anywhere in the house, sleeps on her bed, eats off her plates etc. She keeps asking me to bring DC (3 and 16 months) round to meet him.

She is quite an irresponsible dog owner. I'm not in anyway suggesting she gets rid as she is very lonely atm- DFil passed away at Halloween and she is quite isolated so the dog is her only company some days. But she has no training regime and the dog runs riot around the house. This is all at DMILs admission and from what we have seen on Skype.

She had a collie previously who ended up having to get put down because it got out of her garden and was run over. It was completely barking. The dog was lovely and wasn't aggressive but it would jump all over eldest DC when he was tiny and would push him over when he was toddling about. MIL didn't understand what the "big deal was and to see it as a learning curve for him". She would never put the dog outside when I came round with him- the best we got was he would be locked in the kitchen and would howl the place down and then you would get jumped all over if you went in for a cup of tea or whatever. Me and DH would argue with her continuously with her over this and then when her collie was run over while we felt sorry for her we couldn't help but feel "we told you so". DFil was the same when he was alive.

I don't want to pass my phobia on to my DC at all. I really don't- i'm happy for them to be around dogs and may even consider getting a small, trainable one ourselves when they are old enough to help care for it.

Now the issue:

We don't have many friends around here (or ones that would babysit for 3 nights anyway) and my family live abroad. Our options are either MIL who is an hours drive away and 30 mins away from the airport we are flying from or SIL and her DP who live at the other end of the country so to take them to SIL we would have to take extra days off work, drive up and drop the DC off and double back on ourselves to get to the airport and drive up to collect them which will be added expense with fuel.

MIL won't kennel the dog. She has never liked kennels and if she has gone on holiday in the past when she had a dog she would send it to SIL or DP had it when he lived alone.

DP doesn't want to drive to SILs. I don't want the DC going to MILs where there is a dog who will be a pampered brat and who's history we don't know anything about and has shown aggressive tendencies. Both will be more than happy to babysit

I've told DP unless he comes up with a solution we will have to cancel the weekend away. He has gone off to work in a sulk.

AIBU?

I would just cancel. You would have a rubbish time away anyway. There is no point in this trip however well meaning it was when booked. Does the hotel have any childcare facilities? Could you have a lovely weekend with the children and use the babysitting service at dinner time?

From what you have described, she does not sound like a very responsible dog owner with a good track record, I would not trust her to keep your child safe around the dog, how much of a learning curve would it be, for the dog to maul your child as it could well happen.

cancel. It's just not worth the risk.

Dog owner here, YANBU.

Incompetent dog owner who doesn't even recognise she should seek to control the dog and suggests a 16 month old should "learn" when bowled over by one rather than manage that dog's behaviour; new rescue who is very large and with no known history but is showing aggression to children; tiny toddler and very small baby.

What could possibly go wrong?

I'm a dog owner, btw. Always had them, from childhood. All responsible dog owners would recognise this as a potential recipe for disaster and your DH is being appallingly irresponsible in prioritising his weekend ahead of his tiny kids. Good for you for seeing the blindingly obvious risk and refusing to run it.

I have a dog and no children.
If I had children I would be uncomfortable leaving my child with a dog owner. You don't know how the dog will react, especially this one. Actually, no, you DO know how it will react. By baring its teeth
Also your baby hasn't grown up up with dogs at all, even at 16 months he would know some boundaries if he came from a doggy household.
And you 3 year old likely doesn't know any boundaries either because your MIL won't have taught him boundaries with the old dog if she didn't even teach her dogs boundaries.
Just all round a bad idea.
I'd take the children to SIL or not go tbh.
Or take them with you if it's an option, but obviously its not a family holiday that was planned, so you'd probably rather not go.

But all in all, don't put your children in a situation that you are not comfortable with. That is never going to end well.

YANBU and I would cancel and I say that as someone that's grown up with Dogs all my life(nearly 41 years)and I have 5DC and 3 Dogs ourselves.

But our children have been raised around our Dogs and our Dogs came into the house after we'd had all of our children so our Dogs know that the children are higher up in the pack than them.

Our Dogs are very protective of our children and they can be very wary when were out if other Dogs try to go near our children.

The Dog you've described doesn't sound like it's keen on children and your MIL doesn't know enough about the Dog and she hasn't had it long enough to know anything about the Dogs temperament.Also the Dog hasn't grown up around your children.

YANBU.

Tell DH no way.

Cancel holiday or take kids to your SIL.

Do you both need to take them? Do you work? Could you take kids up, stay overnight and then drive back and start your weekend away.

To be honest (I know you will not like this) when my dd was little we only had one night away from her before she was about 7, then just two nights away for our 10 year anniversary. Our son is adopted and has been with us almost 2 years. He has never had a night away from us both (he is 5 now). I guess what I am saying is it is very ambitious for a family with such young kids and very little local child support.

Over the years we have developed an excellent babysitting circle and brilliant, kind, trustworthy friends who could have the kids for a night.

In your shoes I would just stand my ground. But in future if you developed a really trustworthy local friend I would say one luxury nigth away at a posh place might be as good as three elsewhere.

Lastly, if you MIL wants to sit for your kids and won't kennel her dog could she find a dog sitter and look after your kids at your house without dog just for a night or two? Only do this if you can really trust her not to bring the dog!

NO, NO, NO!

YANBU. I have rescue dogs who are both lovely and adore kids. They still don't get left alone with them because you just cannot take that chance. I don't know exactly what training/interactions/negative experiences they might have had with children in their past life.

There is not a snowball's chance in hell that I would leave your DC with your MIL, who sounds completely selfish and irresponsible. As a side note I feel bloody sorry for the poor dog, who will probably end up suffering as a result of your MIL's lax approach to boundaries. He'll either get out and meet a similar fate as the collie, or he'll snap and go for someone - or worse. Either way it's the dog that pays the price, rather than its stupid owner. I imagine the rescue he came from wouldn't be too impressed by your MIL's approach either.

Your DH needs to grow up and stop sulking. He needs to stop whinging about the impact on your fun plans (does he think that you wouldn't be disappointed?!) and remember that your DC safety and welfare comes first. Can he honestly - hand on heart - say that he would not have a single concern about leaving your DC there with the dog and your MIL, given her poor history of animal control?

PS sorry to say this but it is slightly worrying your husband does not see the danger. A big scary dog won't cure a dog phobia! My sister's dog knocked ds over last summer and he was very reluctant to be near the dog again. We worked hard to get the dog calmer for him and he is now OK. Yes, being scared of dogs and showing it can pass on a dog phobia but also exposure to scary dogs, as you found out, can lead to it. Three and 16 months is very young. My son was almost 5 when knocked over (lighly) by the dog. I do feel worried that dogs really can do damage to kids if not properly trained, and I am definitely a dog and pet and animal lover!

Could SIL look after the dog and then then the MIL babysit at your house?

Thank you for the advice everyone.

Can't come up with a solution so we are putting it back until the summer when my parents come to visit. DH is pissed off because we have lost money on the flights but it's worth it for peace of mind.

time to go back to the lounge and get ignored, sigh

'DH is pissed off because we have lost money on the flights but it's worth it for peace of mind.

time to go back to the lounge and get ignored, sigh'

Entirely his fault and he's ignoring you? I wouldn't want to go away with him at all. What a fucking knob. There is a solution, but he CBA'd to drive them to his sister's.

I think YANBU to not want Mil to look after your dc, but YABU to expect her to put her dog into kennels so you can have a holiday.

Either drive to sil's or cancel. I'm quite surprised you'd spend money on a holiday without arranging childcare tbh.

Sorry, didn't see your update before I posted.

Sounds like the best solution really.

Op I can't believe your DH is would be willing to risk his children like this he would seriously be going down in my estimation. It should be you that is ignoring him.
Can you show him his thread, I have been on mumsnet for ages now and this is the first thread I have seen that it's had been unanimous yabu.

'I'm quite surprised you'd spend money on a holiday without arranging childcare tbh.'

She didn't.

I'd be furious with him. How dare he ignore you when he cocked up and CBA'd to fix it out.

So his children left in a situation where getting attacked, savaged or worse is highly likely would have been worth it rather than lose the flight money. And you're getting punished for thwarting him.

Bloody hell.

You're being incredibly patient with him, Op.

I would cancel I'm afraid. And be absolutely fuming with dp that he had assumed childcare with someone unsuitable

I would show this thread to your husband - really. You have made the right decision.

Dear OP's husband. Grow up and stop being a dickhead. Have you ever seen a child with injuries sustained as the result of a dog attack? I have. It's not pleasant. How are you going to feel, as a parent, if one of your children was hurt by the dog? You are being incredibly selfish and immature. Sulking is pathetic and incredibly unattractive in any adult. You wouldn't tolerate it from your kids, would you?

I am another dog lover who thinks YANBU.

Glad you have changed the dates. However, it sounds like this is going to be an ongoing issue when DC are at MILS even for a short visit. It's not going to be very relaxing if you have to watch over the DC all the time and as there's two of them it's a problem.

I would be saying either she locks the doggies away when you visit with DC, or she takes them to dog training so you can be reassured they won't be snappy or knocking DC over, or you will have to see her at your house.

My friend has a rescue dog that is stroppy with children (she doesn't have any) and despite training she isn't 100% sure of it, so she locks her away when her DNs visit. It's really not too much to ask. Sounds like DH doesn't want to upset his mummy?

YANBU. It is just not worth the risk.

I love dogs, my parents have a spaniel who is bouncy but has been brilliant with my kids (3 and 1). However when we visit everyone supervises closely and children would never be left alone with him. That would be hard for you mil when taking care of the children in her own.

Your Husbsnd sounds like he could be a little like mine. My DH is so optimistic it's unreal. He decides what he wants (eg a holiday) and just thinks everything will be fine. I really don't think he would put the children in danger but he genuinely just believes nothing bad will happen.