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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to need to rest after nan's funeral?

99 replies

Hollimum · 04/03/2016 09:22

OK, basically it was my nan's funeral yesterday. DH took the day off to look after DD6 and DS2. I went with my sister and everything was fine, but obviously I was quite emotional. As is typical of my family, the wake turned into a piss-up and I ended up coming home late, drunk and highly emotional. The DH had the following day (today) off because of his shift patterns. I asked last night before retiring to bed for him to please try not to wake me in the morning, knowing I'd be hungover and tired. However this morning got woken up by DH shouting down the stairs to the kids, then stomping around like a baby elephant and finally almost literally jumping back into bed while he ran a bath, followed by his alarm going off very loudly. I said in the most neutral voice I could manage 'remember I asked you not to wake me up this morning?' to which I got the reply ' I'm really tired too, I didn't get to sleep last night until 2am' so after that I ended up getting up to help him get the kids ready and as we were doing that DH said I'll need a nap today, I'm really tired' . AIBU to expect my DH to be a bit more considerate based on the fact that yesterday was a really hard day for me?

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 04/03/2016 12:07

I said "in the real world such attitudes are not universal" I did not say "in the real world such attitudes do not exist".

I did not quote anything out of context.

SleepyBoBo · 04/03/2016 12:16

Yes you did, Jessie - you're trying to make out what other's have said has nothing to do with the initial post, when they do in the overall context. Two of us mentioned why we thought drinking at a funeral can be a bad idea - because drinking and already feeling awful don't tend to mix. Which is relevant because the OP has woken up today feeling both hungover and still feeling the effects of grief. This in turn has lead to both her and her partner feeling cross today - she obviously feeling that more sympathy was needed, and us trying to put ourselves in her partner's shoes. I personally came to the conclusion that I would be sympathetic as funerals and the loss of a loved one isn't something that can be dealt with in one day - however, I would personally be cross at the situation be exhastibated by the alcohol/hungover factor. Trying to understand from both sides of the story here.

whatdoIget · 04/03/2016 12:23

I always have a few drinks after a funeral. I thought that was fairly normal?

CalleighDoodle · 04/03/2016 12:36

Jessie i almost pmsl then. people should keep their opinions to themselves in a forum called AIBU? Is this forum not about people asking for other people's opinions? Hmm. Not sure how that will work.

OP get an early night tonight and see about getting some counselling if you feel you need it to deal with your loss

Notonthestairs · 04/03/2016 12:40

Op - enjoy a nice lunch out and THEN have a nap. I suspect the hangover is mainly exhaustion from the emotion of yesterday.

whatdoIget · 04/03/2016 12:44

I don't think the op should necessarily seek counselling just because she felt upset at her Nan's funeral and had a few drinks. I obviously live in a completely different world to some of the self righteous fuckers people on this thread

Katenka · 04/03/2016 12:45

Got this thread has gone weird.

'Keep you opinions to yourself' and 'he is punishing you'

Wtf?

Helmetbymidnight · 04/03/2016 12:49

It's normal to want a few drinks after a funeral.

It's normal to be annoyed that your partner needs rest/silence because they are hungover.

Everyone's in the right here, surely.

whatdoIget · 04/03/2016 12:53

Is it normal to be annoyed that your partner wants a rest because they're hungover after a funeral though? I don't think it is, and I don't think it's very nice. Who knows though? The Dh might usually be lovely and has just decided to be unkind on this one occasion, and it just happens to be the day after op's relative's funeral

SleepyBoBo · 04/03/2016 12:54

Who is getting self-righteous? The OP said she got drunk and knew she would have a hangover in the morning. Not 'a few drinks', drunk enough to know she would feel it the next day. Her partner was also tired today, had a bad night sleep, yet he's been called a few nasty names here (that's ok though, for some reason). I think the poster suggesting counselling was just suggesting the OP may want to talk through her grief in other ways - see 'if you feel the need'. What is it with some poster jumping down other's throats, instantly assuming we must be tee-total snobs who think the op is a disgrace? It's not the case at all, she's obviously had a tough few days and things are getting a bit strained. We can only offer advice on here as we see it.

whatdoIget · 04/03/2016 12:58

To me, it seems a bit of an overreaction to suggest counselling the day after a funeral. I've obviously got quite a different attitude to alcohol than many people on this thread though. Oh well

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 04/03/2016 13:12

Op sorry for your loss

I think something like that is very emotionally draining and getting drunk with your family is perfectly reasonable as a round off to what has been a difficult time for you all, to let off some steam and let loose a little. And take a break from life. I would do the same, and I would hope that my partner would cut me a bit of slack the next morning. I think he would, actually.

Ok so your OH was tired, but he was already up, so what's the point of waking you up too? He should have just let you rest a bit longer and then if he had real reason to be annoyed about it, address it later. But really, you'd hope he would have had some compassion for you.

I reckon even without the hangover, the emotions of the day would have knocked the stuffing out of you, and you would have needed a slower start to the day.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/03/2016 13:20

YANBU.

It was understandable that you got drunk at the wake. And natural that you would need your partner's support the next day.

He was being selfish.

Sorry for your loss

MLGs · 04/03/2016 13:33

I agree with take turns having a nap. You got pissed and he stayed up too late. Both give each other a break.

ouryve · 04/03/2016 13:42

Hope you've had a good lunch, OP, with chance to talk and be lovely to each other.

There was actually a bit of huffing at FIL's funeral, last week, because the social club didn't serve tea!

SolidGoldBrass · 04/03/2016 13:54

If someone gets pissed enough to be hungover regularly, and that person's partner is very frequently having to tiptoe around the house shushing the kids - or the hangover means that a planned family event has to be cancelled or the hungover parent gets to duck out of it, then resentment and banging around is understandable.

This sounds like a one-off after a funeral. But there are a lot of men who are only prepared to do a good turn for their partners if it doesn't inconvenience them, and only for a limited amount of time, and they have to be praised to the skies for their kindness, repeatedly, or they will throw a strop. Which sounds like it might have been the case here.

ZanyMobster · 04/03/2016 14:50

I think you've had a hard time OP.

Do you know what, DH and I are always tired as we have a lot going on at the moment but if I went out with my friends just for fun not to a funeral or anything and got pissed DH would, without having to ask, get up with the kids and ensure they are quiet etc. I would of course do the same for him. It's just kind, thoughtful and considerate. Only time I would be a bit annoyed is if we'd made plans that he was too hungover to keep to but that has never happened as we've always managed to get it together.

My friend died in the summer whilst I was on holiday, I got absolutely plastered that night and he looked after me, sorted the kids that night and in the morning and never complained. He did WhatsApp all his mates of course to tell them. Grief affects everyone differently. I am not actually a big drinker in spite of how it sounds.

We never have naps though, even after just a couple of hours of sleep as we're quite capable of getting to the next night.

Nanny0gg · 04/03/2016 14:55

Napping is weird though. I'm sorry about your grandmother but napping is for toddlers.

I have had a nap at least once a day (where possible) since I was pregnant with my first DC, 38 years ago.

I don't take myself off to bed, I'm just tired, I'm sitting down and I fall asleep.

It's really not that unusual.

RitaVinTease · 04/03/2016 14:59

OP, you have a horrible, selfish. spoilt man child for a husband who thinks its ok to stomp around and be deliberately noisy instead of offering sympathy after a funeral.

And you've had some nasty answers.

Sincere condolences. [hugs]

thebestfurchinchilla · 04/03/2016 15:15

I actually think katenka has a point but I completely understand you getting drunk, funerals of close family members are exhausting emotionally and it's a release to have a drink. I wouldn't expect silence in the morning but I would expect him to get up and deal with the chn reminding them that mummy needs a lie-in. Hope you feel better now

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 04/03/2016 15:19

Rita Thing is, when you're hungover, even small sounds can sound like earthquakes. Her DH may well not have been shouting or trampling around like an elephant at all but it may have merely seemed so. Where has it become that he DELIBERATELY made a huge noise to wake her up?

Libitina · 04/03/2016 15:26

*The other side to this coin would be

'My dh went to his nana funeral yesterday. I stayed home with the kids. He got pissed came home and decided he had to sleep in to get over the trauma of it and had a go because I wasn't quiet enough getting the kids ready this morning'

I don't think mn would be very sympathetic to the dh.*

Fully agree with this comment.

Libitina · 04/03/2016 15:27

Bold fail

whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 04/03/2016 16:35

Of course if he was being deliberately noisy out of spite then he's being an arse.

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