Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

AIBU to need to rest after nan's funeral?

99 replies

Hollimum · 04/03/2016 09:22

OK, basically it was my nan's funeral yesterday. DH took the day off to look after DD6 and DS2. I went with my sister and everything was fine, but obviously I was quite emotional. As is typical of my family, the wake turned into a piss-up and I ended up coming home late, drunk and highly emotional. The DH had the following day (today) off because of his shift patterns. I asked last night before retiring to bed for him to please try not to wake me in the morning, knowing I'd be hungover and tired. However this morning got woken up by DH shouting down the stairs to the kids, then stomping around like a baby elephant and finally almost literally jumping back into bed while he ran a bath, followed by his alarm going off very loudly. I said in the most neutral voice I could manage 'remember I asked you not to wake me up this morning?' to which I got the reply ' I'm really tired too, I didn't get to sleep last night until 2am' so after that I ended up getting up to help him get the kids ready and as we were doing that DH said I'll need a nap today, I'm really tired' . AIBU to expect my DH to be a bit more considerate based on the fact that yesterday was a really hard day for me?

OP posts:

Katenka · 04/03/2016 10:27

That sounds like the perfect resolution!

thebookstore · 04/03/2016 10:31

Napping should be compulsory. I wish I'd been born Spanish.

Sorry for your loss OP - enjoy your lunch out

srslylikeomg · 04/03/2016 10:32

Nice one OP, have a lovely lunch :)
In my family if you answered "coffee" to the question "what would you like to drink?" -No matter what the time of day- at a wake: You'd be cast out! ;)

grannytomine · 04/03/2016 10:33

When my mum died I wasn't a saint but I looked after my kids. I went for a long walk with the dog every night and cried my eyes out, fortunately it was winter so I had a few months to get a grip before the light nights.

I have a policy of never making allowances for people with hangovers, self inflicted.

maybebabybee · 04/03/2016 10:34

Napping is not just for babies, what a bizarre thing to say. Any number of reasons why an adult might need a nap. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and do a lot of napping!

Original poster

Hollimum · 04/03/2016 10:36

Maybe we should start another post 'is napping just for babies?'

OP posts:

JessieMcJessie · 04/03/2016 10:37

Itsmine I said:

'Ignore the righteous crowd who are laying into you for having a drink at the wake, where I come from it's practically compulsory '

You said

No one disputes that. It's complaining about dh and dc in the morning and both needing a nap that's a bit ridiculous, clearly the solution is to take it in turns

CalleighDoodle said:

Getting drunk doesnt help you deal with the difficult emotions, it stops you from having to deal with them at the time. It really isnt a good solution / method.

SleepyBoBo said:

I wouldn't be impressed if my partner went to a funeral and came home pissed to be honest.

mrsJskelton said:

Sorry but I don't feel I could ever get drunk at a funeral.

All pretty clear examples of PPs laying into the OP for getting pissed at the wake.

Spandexpants007 · 04/03/2016 10:38

He should have let you nap first thing because he could nap later

Katenka · 04/03/2016 10:41

Napping is not only for babies!

jessie I can't see how any of those examples are 'laying into' the op. People saying how they would feel? Or advising drinking isn't the best way to deal with emotions?

I genuinely can not see how that's laying into her.

TheBakeryQueen · 04/03/2016 10:44

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I don't think you're being unreasonable for what it's worth.
And even if you were, well that's what grief does so I think your dh
should be kind today.

Notonthestairs · 04/03/2016 10:44

I am sorry for your loss. My mother and then my grandmother died in the last two years and remember well the feeling of exhaustion afterward the funerals. I couldnt actually get drunk afterwards - as the host I had duties and people to pay etc. Thats not to say I wouldnt have wanted to hae a few drinks - I say that to make it clear I am not bashing you for getting tipsy and having a hangover the next day.

But you know things do go on - after my granny's funeral and wake I had to drive for two hours home and then make everyones dinner. Back to school the next day and my DH was away. I am not a saint - although clearly I think I deserve a medal . Its just that the rest of the world didnt stop because I was grieving - its one of the most difficult things I had to accept.

Notonthestairs · 04/03/2016 10:46

ps Napping is something new to me but I have realised I love it! (why didnt I realise this when my kids were babies??) Take it in turns to have a nap.

SleepyBoBo · 04/03/2016 10:46

Excuse me, how exactly was I 'laying into the op', JessieMcJessie? I even said in a later post that how she has dealt with her grief is her perogative. She wasn't wrong in what she did, doesn't mean she was right either (but the circumtances were understandable). No, I wouldn't be impressed if it was my partner as I personally don't think getting drunk is a good way of dealing with a bad day - but the thing is about giving a scenario on an open forum, you will get people giving personal opinions. No one has called the op names or been rude, only seen it from different ways. I think it's far ruder to lay into her husband and call him a 'wanker', when he did give up a day of work and is obviously tired himself. This is a no win situation, both people involved are tired and the op is both emotional and hungover. It's easy for couples to get cross with each other under these conditions, best thing to do is try and draw a line under it and not let it escalate.

Original poster

Hollimum · 04/03/2016 10:48

I think that's the crux of it Notonthestairs, I need to accept the world doesn't stop just because I'm grieving.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollimum · 04/03/2016 10:50

Well, I need to sign off now, going back to reality and off out for a meal with DH and DS x

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 04/03/2016 11:01

Is your H normally this much of a prick? I have no time for 'ooh, parents mustn't drink' whinyarses anyway, but the key issue here is that your H seems to have deliberately been as noisy as possible to punish you.
Which suggests to me the possibility that he is selfish and considers his needs more important than yours; that he will 'help' you with domestic work and childcare once in a while but will need masses of praise and attention and obedience afterwards and may well find ways of making you 'pay' for having had any time off.

BackInTheRealWorld · 04/03/2016 11:06

Have a lovely lunch out!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 04/03/2016 11:07

Well if my DH went to his Grandma's funeral and got pissed at the wake, I would try and let him lie in the next day. He would do the same for me. Heck, if it was something like a rare night out with the girls, he would do the same for me.

Because we are kind to each other and look after each other. Like people in a relationship are supposed to do.

Katenka · 04/03/2016 11:16

Because we are kind to each other and look after each other. Like people in a relationship are supposed to do.

Love this, in other words people who don't act like me are bad partners and don't care.

JessieMcJessie · 04/03/2016 11:29

I even said in a later post that how she has dealt with her grief is her prerogative. - classic passive-agressive criticism SleepyBobo and it seems you don't even realise how it comes across.

Here's the thing - the Op did not need anyone's comments on whether they thought getting drunk at a funeral was appropriate. Even a bare statement that you do not agree with it/would act differently constitutes a condemnation of her actions. The polite and compassionate response is to keep your opinions to yourself.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 04/03/2016 11:33

I agree with Tinkly and SGB, and yeah, people who punish their partners for going to a funeral and having an occasional hangover ARE bad partners.

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 04/03/2016 11:41

Seriously? Her DH not tiptoeing around to get the kids up in the morning because his wife has a hangover is PUNISHING HER FOR GOING TO A FUNERAL???

FFS.

SleepyBoBo · 04/03/2016 11:44

I'm sorry you read that as passive agressive, Jessie, certainly is not how it was intended. Guess it's better than being just all-out agressive though, and spend more time having a go at other posters who've actually only tried to give advice than trying to help yourself. But please, carry on showing off how much more of a 'compassionate' person you are, compared to the rest of us, by taking what we've said out of context. Getting drunk at a funeral isn't wrong, however it has lead to a grumpy morning, as is to be expected. High emotion and drink usually do not mix, anyone would be feeling it the next day. It is relevant to this thread, as it's part of the bigger picture. So maybe keep your opinions about my opinions to yourself as this silly argument isn't helping anyone, is it?

JessieMcJessie · 04/03/2016 11:52

Sleepy I think you'll find that my initial reference to the critical posters was my saying to the OP not to let them upset her and reassuring her that in the real world such attitudes are not universal. That was helping the OP, not having a go at other posters.

SleepyBoBo · 04/03/2016 11:58

So you were not having a go at other posters, by pointing out many individual posts out of context and deeming them to be rude/critical/bad attitudes. Right. Because their opinions don't matter, only yours does (apparently you're the only one here part of the 'real world') and everyone else should be ignored on your say so .

Flip

1 2 3 4