Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to need to rest after nan's funeral?

99 replies

Hollimum · 04/03/2016 09:22

OK, basically it was my nan's funeral yesterday. DH took the day off to look after DD6 and DS2. I went with my sister and everything was fine, but obviously I was quite emotional. As is typical of my family, the wake turned into a piss-up and I ended up coming home late, drunk and highly emotional. The DH had the following day (today) off because of his shift patterns. I asked last night before retiring to bed for him to please try not to wake me in the morning, knowing I'd be hungover and tired. However this morning got woken up by DH shouting down the stairs to the kids, then stomping around like a baby elephant and finally almost literally jumping back into bed while he ran a bath, followed by his alarm going off very loudly. I said in the most neutral voice I could manage 'remember I asked you not to wake me up this morning?' to which I got the reply ' I'm really tired too, I didn't get to sleep last night until 2am' so after that I ended up getting up to help him get the kids ready and as we were doing that DH said I'll need a nap today, I'm really tired' Shock. AIBU to expect my DH to be a bit more considerate based on the fact that yesterday was a really hard day for me?

OP posts:
whatsthatcomingoverthehill · 04/03/2016 10:02

If you want to get drunk that's your choice, but the consequence is having a hangover and you can't really expect everyone to tiptoe around you afterwards. Though I'm not quite sure why you both needed to be up to get the kids ready.

Itsmine · 04/03/2016 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereDidAllThoseYesterdaysGo · 04/03/2016 10:04

Good grief you're getting a hard time. So sorry to hear about the loss of your nan. i think you deserve a bit of quiet rest to look after yourself.

So what if you had a few drinks at a family funeral? People are so judgy sometimes.

Its not like youre doing it every week. Jeez

crumblybiscuits · 04/03/2016 10:05

Getting the impression now that Mumsnetters are all saints who all deal with their grief in healthy and positive ways and get up and carry on with life like it's a breeze even when they are grieving?
Obviously now is not the right time for you to be posting in AIBU as you don't want to be told you're being unreasonable. People offered solutions like taking it in turns to have a nap if you have to both have one. Your DH may very well have had a sleepless night for all you know. Just because you are tired and drained doesn't mean that he can't be feeling tired too. You do sound like you need to go to bed though.

SleepyBoBo · 04/03/2016 10:05

No, that's not the point. If getting drunk is how you dealt with it, that's your perogative - well all deal with awful moments in different ways. However, when we have busy family lives, unfortunately that means things can't stop even when you feel rough the next day. I personally think you're unreasonable expecting a quiet morning when you knew getting drunk would leave you feeling rubbish. I think you husband should have been a bit more caring this morning, but shouldn't have gone out of his way to be quiet. I also don't understand naps in the day, but that's not really the point here. Hope you feel better soon - Couch's idea of a sofa day sounds the perfect compromise to me.

Original poster
Hollimum · 04/03/2016 10:07

Btw wasn't expecting kids to be quiet, should make that clear as obviously kids are kids, but was expecting DH to be more considerate. Obviously I've gathered that expectation would only be valid if I hadn't drank the night before. Should maybe add at this point, me and DH are always tired as our DD has autism and it just goes with the territory.

OP posts:
OverAndAbove · 04/03/2016 10:07

Had you taken today off work as well as yesterday? If so you and you DH really are on a par with "who deserves the rest" and sharing the parenting today would seem logical. Are you both off work for the weekend? If so presumably there'll be plenty opportunity for you both to rest as needed before Monday. I think you'll feel better about this once your hangover subsides

Original poster
Hollimum · 04/03/2016 10:08

Thank you sleepybobo Smile

OP posts:
Kim82 · 04/03/2016 10:09

I had my grandad's funeral yesterday so I feel your pain, it is so emotionally draining so Flowers for you and I'm sorry for your loss.

I do agree with pp's though that you needed quiet this morning as you got drunk yesterday rather than because of the funeral. That said, I don't think your dh should be going for a nap as it is his fault he stayed up until 2am and is now tired just as it was your fault you got drunk last night and are tired this morning. You should both just stay up til bedtime and write this morning off as you both being tired and unreasonable.

chillycurtains · 04/03/2016 10:09

I am sorry for your loss. I also got drunk at a funeral recently as a way of coping as did everyone else. But I do think YABU. Sorry, you aren't unreasonable to want to sleep in/lie in but you did get left in bed and I don't think you can expect everyone to tip toe around you. You have got a day of peace once the DC are at school surely. The sleep/rest today will only help you to get over the hangover, it's not really to do with grief. Sorry OP.

FetchezLaVache · 04/03/2016 10:10

Well, I'm on your side, OP. I don't see what's so shocking about getting pissed at a funeral- surely a funeral is, by definition, a thinly veiled excuse for a party, and almost certainly what your Nan would have wanted? And I don't think OP expected radio silence, but it seems her husband has gone out of her way to be as noisy as possible while he knew she was trying to have a lie-in. I wouldn't have any problem at all with sorting out the kids while my DP stayed in bed under those circumstances. It's a one-off, not a regular occurrence!

Original poster
Hollimum · 04/03/2016 10:13

Thank youFetchezLaVache, this is a one off! x

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 04/03/2016 10:16

Sorry for your loss.

Your DH doesn't sound like a wanker, he took the day off work yesterday to look after the dc so you could go to your nans funeral. I assume he has been sympathetic to your loss as you haven't suggested otherwise. You are both tired, him from lack of sleep you from hangover.

YABU expecting complete silence while you stayed in bed nursing a hangover and he tried to juggle getting one dc ready for school and a 2 year old alone. Not surprised he is grumpy when he's also tired and has been told he wasn't quiet enough, I would be too.

Moln · 04/03/2016 10:17

What are you getting the kids ready for? If it's a minder and school the you both can have a nap can't you? That's ok isn't it?

My nan died recently and I drank after it - got to bed at 2 I think. DH got up with the DC the next morning; there was noise - the normal getting up noise. I then chose, because I was awake, to get out of bed and go have breakfast with them all.

You've posted in AIBU, and you are being unreasonable. Unless it was a purposeful attempt of his to wake you up the you can expect silence. He didn't come wake you up and tell you to get out of bed to help him did he. That was your choice.

Emotions and drink aren't a good mix. Can make a person unreasonable narky!

BackInTheRealWorld · 04/03/2016 10:18

God what is wrong with the pair of you. No one has ever died of 'a bit tired'. Neither of you NEED a nap ffs.

Moln · 04/03/2016 10:19

*can't expect silence.

SueTrinder · 04/03/2016 10:19

You got pissed, if your DH accommodates your hangover he's very nice but it's not to be expected (I hate DH feeling all sorry for himself after a night out when it's his own bloody fault).

Your DH has said he's had a bad night's sleep (probably not surprising after coming off shifts) and would like to have a bit of a nap to balance that. I think he has the moral high ground but really, why can't you take turns having naps if you've got kids at home today.

mrsjskelton · 04/03/2016 10:20

Sorry but I don't feel I could ever get drunk at a funeral. It's a "you made your bed" situation fit me.

Sorry for your loss. Thanks

JessieMcJessie · 04/03/2016 10:20

Do you normally work? What were your plans for the rest of the day?

Ignore the righteous crowd who are laying into you for having a drink at the wake, where I come from it's practically compulsory to get rat arsed in tribute to the deceased. Sorry for your loss.

I think however that as long as he wasn't actually asking you to get up and help you could just have pulled the duvet over your head and gone back to sleep once they were off to school.

whatdoIget · 04/03/2016 10:23

Your Dh doesn't sound very kind. Like a lot of people on this thread now I come to think of it!
Sorry about your Nan Flowers

Itsmine · 04/03/2016 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Hollimum · 04/03/2016 10:25

Ha ha back in the real world that did make me laugh. I guess I am being namby pamby, and narky, and emotional AND unreasonable today! Decided I'm gonna shake it off and ask DH if he wants to go out for lunch (sans alcohol for me obvs!) with DS. Thanks Mumsnetters you really helped me get perspective!! Grin

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 04/03/2016 10:25

Since when is napping just for babies? Never heard anything so ridiculous. Some people have no idea and no empathy.

Sorry about your nan op Flowers

BathshebaDarkstone · 04/03/2016 10:25

If DH comes home late and pissed from a ritual (I don't go because DD would rather miss playing on Primrose Hill than her bedtime Minecraft Hmm), I ask DS to keep it down until he wakes up, but not complete silence. Especially as it's difficult to get 2 DC ready for school silently! Grin

VenusRising · 04/03/2016 10:26

Sorry for your loss. Make sure you schedule time to grieve. Maybe counselling? And getting more help with your DS.

However, I'm afraid your hangover is your problem.
Suit up and show up is the mantra.

I haven't had a hangover in years. I just don't get pissed anymore now I'm a mum. I cannot operate with a hangover, so I don't get drunk.

I understand that things get emotional but turning to alcohol isn't the answer, as you've probably found out this morning.... Tiptoeing around a drunk /hungover person isn't any way to have a good family life. If this was a bloke posting we'd all be outraged at his behaviour- maybe even suggesting he was an entitled alcoholic?

Again sorry for your loss. We've all been there. As a pp said getting stuck into family life helps.

Swipe left for the next trending thread