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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wish MIL would leave my fucking laundry alone!

110 replies

bumpertobumper · 03/03/2016 23:20

She was only trying to be helpful,but is it too much to hope that by almost 70 she should know the basics by now!
Today she was looking after DD while I went to a work meeting, dd had a good long nap so mil decided to 'help' with the laundry. She hung up the load I had put on this morning nicely folded on the airer! Who thinks folded clothes dry? She then put on a load - a mixture of a sheet and some pillow cases, DPs grubby gardening jeans, some baby clothes, tea towels AND DSs shitty pants he'd had an accident in! (They were beside the utility sink, I hadn't had a chance to tackle them). I have just been hanging this load of washing feeling a bit Hmm, but now have the rage when I got to the pants in the bottom of the basket, still with traces...EnvyAngry
Ffs, if you aren't going to do it properly just leave it.
She also decided that the bath mats beside the washing machine were fine, trying to save me from having to do too much washing, and put them back on the bathroom floor. DD had pissed on them!
She has form for carefully folding dirty clothes and putting them in the kids drawers. And washing up so badly, with the surfaces cloth, that I have to redo it.

She is a great help really, I am very lucky, and we get on well.
But I just need to rant about the unhelpful help which has made more work for me not less... Finding the little things annoying at the moment as the add up. Usually can let it go.

OP posts:
nevertakeyouriphoneinthebath · 04/03/2016 04:53

I don't think it's fair to knock the OP for being ungrateful. There is something quite private about laundry. I would HATE someone rummaging in my laundry bin unless I was literally bed bound and unable to do it myself. I am very fussy about how it's done and the risk of ruining the whites or delicate items is too high, plus who wants someone picking through their dirty knickers? Hmm

I you really want to help then get the vacuum out or do the ironing. Laundry is too much of a minefield and most women should just instinctively know that. Grin

My MIL is also dreadful at washing up, but loves to take over and do it. I let her because she likes to feel useful but I stick it all through the dishwasher once she's left BECAUSE IT'S STILL MINGING.

Braeburns · 04/03/2016 05:40

Is there a chance her eye sight isn't so good as my grandmother got to the point where dirty dishes or poorly cleaned dishes and clothes were put away as she couldn't see the dirt...
My mum hangs out our laundry sometimes when babysitting but I don't think she'd ever put a load on unless J specifically asked. My DH will put everything in together without thinking including dish clothes, underwear, filthy kids stuff etc. and usually an item of handwash only status for good measure!

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 04/03/2016 06:37

I used to have a different problem when my MIL looked after my (then) 2 yo one day a week in our house - she was (still is) a professional house wife and frighteningly good at all things domestic. My house was fine but no show home, and every week she would leave DS to potter while scrubbing the oven and cleaning the windows (and leaving the window in expert climbing 2 yo DS's upstairs bedroom fully wide open for him to fall to his death...)

She put me to shame (I didn't want to be put to shame) and also insisted on spending the best part of an hour giving me a tour of the house and explaining the cleaning she had done in minute detail in the form of "tips and tricks" so that I could do a better job... She would also turn up with her favourite cleaning products as presents for me. She never treated DH to the "tips and tricks" housework tours or the presents of excellent lime-scale remover for behind taps...

I used to thank her profusely but ask her not to do housework and just to have fun with Ds, but she did it every week. Tbh I would have been genuinely grateful for the house work help if it hadn't come with long lectures the moment I got in from a day of work and away from my toddler, who also wanted my attention but had to be shushed so I could listen to 45 minutes solid of minutely detailed cleaning advice (apparently I was airing the rooms wrongly, she wrote down the order in which I should be opening and closing windows...)!

As you say it is not something you can complain about. People are always sanctimonious when DILs (or daughters tbh) moan on MN, but deliberately miss the point that you are moaning here in order to manage to be loving and calm and thankful directly to your MIL, and not moaning about her behind her back to people actually in her life too much!

RaniyaFi · 04/03/2016 06:53

I had this.

I had to be very blunt telling her to stop - but I softened it by giving her things she was welcome to do. Most of all - the garden! I'm not a Gardner, and now she has fee range to dig bulbs in a prune stuff whenever she feels bored.

FarrowandBallAche · 04/03/2016 06:58

Tell her nicely that you don't want her doing the washing.

mrshudson221b · 04/03/2016 07:09

and also insisted on spending the best part of an hour giving me a tour of the house and explaining the cleaning she had done in minute detail in the form of "tips and tricks" so that I could do a better job... She would also turn up with her favourite cleaning products as presents for me. She never treated DH to the "tips and tricks" housework tours or the presents of excellent lime-scale remover for behind taps..

Angry that sounds awful!

DurhamDurham · 04/03/2016 07:23

Apparently someone is leaving Mumsnet after 8 years because of this post Grin

usual · 04/03/2016 07:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

megletthesecond · 04/03/2016 07:31

My mum folds damp clothes so they don't dry properly and have creases in. It's not as bad as her habit of putting clean food tubs in one place and the lids in another. Result, missing unmatched lids and useless pots.

lighteningirl · 04/03/2016 07:35

I've only read it because of the flounce post that and the Clarks desert post I've had a great morning so far and whilst I am worried about becoming a mil very soon I don't think this thread is at all nasty

LettingAgentNightmare · 04/03/2016 07:36

MIL threads are the reason I love MN. They are like the 'your Mum' jokes for grown ups, never get old Grin

SongOfTheLark · 04/03/2016 07:46

I feel your pain OP. years ago, PILs were staying for a few days and MIL and did some of our washing. Would have definitely preferred her not to but hey ho, I let it go. It came time for it all to go away she went to put the sheets away in a drawer in mine and DPs bed. i took the pile from her and said "its ok I'll do it" and put them in the cupboard. This didnt fly with her and she told me in a very bossy way "well in THIS family the sheets go in the drawers under the bed" Hmm I just smiled sweetly and told her this is where they now went. thought that was the end of it.

A couple of days later opened a drawer and found the sheets chucked in as if someone had had a nasty shock, dropped them and slammed the drawer shut and run away. It was our sex drawer. Nothing like your inlaws finding your sex toys, lube, porn and see thru underwear and things to really hammer the point THIS household dont put their sheets in those drawers anymore..... Hmm Grin

diddl · 04/03/2016 07:48

Did she really make a lot of work for you though?

The pants & the bathmats are annoying.

Maybe the gardening trousers also.

Although if stuff came out clean what's the big deal?

If she's putting dirty stuff away & not washing up well it does sound as if she might not be able to see all that well.

That's sad.

SatsukiKusakabe · 04/03/2016 07:49

I don't really see this as a MIL thread, more an 'unhelpful help that you can't moan about in RL without looking like an ungrateful baggage' thread.

I've had this from both much loved female relatives. My dad also does a good line in 'helping' and sometimes breaking things. And you have to nod and smile and say thank you for things that have caused you more work.

Folded laundry does not dry properly and smells damp.

Trills · 04/03/2016 07:54

Love her while you can and don't get stressed. You'll find out one day that these are the things that don't matter. She sounds lovely.

This is not at all a helpful thing to say in this circumstance.

Everyone will be gone one day. That doesn't mean we should never be annoyed at them when they do annoying things, or never ask them to not do things.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 04/03/2016 07:59

It is entirely reasonable to moan about somebody interfering in your house when you have not asked them to. The OP hasn't benefited and has in fact suffered, while the MIL has a warm satisfied feeling at the OP's expense.

So what if she'll be dead one day. So will the OP. All the more reason not to waste time redoing laundry now.

SmellySourdough · 04/03/2016 08:07

I don't really see this as a MIL thread, more an 'unhelpful help that you can't moan about in RL without looking like an ungrateful baggage' thread.

absolutely.

Littletabbyocelot · 04/03/2016 08:07

I think half the MIL problems are because you can't comment, or laugh or have a little moan to your friends like you would with your own relatives.

I love mine, but she drives me bonkers with chores. She likes things to be tidy, I like them to be organised properly. When my twins were little, I was trying to sort out their old clothes. For the whole two weeks of her visit I'd get half way through the job while they were sleeping - clothes piled by size and type. Then they'd wake and I'd take them for a walk. I'd come back and she'd cheerfully tell me she'd 'straightened' the clothes. That is folded them up, somehow completely mixing them back together and put them to one side.

Vixxfacee · 04/03/2016 08:08

It is worse you're leaving shitty pants around and your dh is pissing on the floor. Yuck. She should have left you to your own filth.

SatsukiKusakabe · 04/03/2016 08:09

And on the other side, let's not pretend that these mums and Mil's do not have the odd moan, tut and raised eyebrow about us!

I'm sure I've given them good moan fodder in their time, the difference is, they often don't mind telling me Grin

Greyponcho · 04/03/2016 08:09

She's obviously trying to help, it's just somewhat misguided. have never successfully got folded items to dry on an airer either

items put in a laundry basket are there for a reason, she shouldn't really go 'recycling' the dirty stuff like she does.

If you're desperately so unhappy about it and can't bring yourself to say something outright, then perhaps ask for her 'advice' on whether she can recommend a better laundry detergent, as the current lot 'clearly isn't working' - look at the shit left behind in DS's pants... there's still the urine smell on the bath mats...
You may find the laundry habits change...

diddl · 04/03/2016 08:23

"It is worse you're leaving shitty pants around and your dh is pissing on the floor. Yuck. She should have left you to your own filth."

It's a shame that you're so outraged that you can't read the first post properly!

SexNamesRFab · 04/03/2016 08:24

I love it when my mum interferes with my washing, I can never get it as nice as she does. Yes I've had to put up with her stumbling across sex toys and DH is mortified she's handled his pants, but I reckon the lovely smelling crease free clothes are worth it. Even if she does turn every single fucking thing inside out to wash and dry it Hmm

OTOH - I will never ever poke through her drawers again after finding her dildo and pictures of my dad in the nude

MLGs · 04/03/2016 08:34

Mine is also nice but does similar things.

She will put delicate stuff on ordinary wash and shrink it for example.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 04/03/2016 08:57

To all who don't get it here's a thought to ponder:

"Just wanting to help is the sunny side of just wanting to control"

I appreciate all the help I get, in general, but can not stand when someone, anyone, packs the dishwasher wrong. It does my fucking head in. Especially all the cutlery sticking up - i cut my knuckle once on an up-pointy butter knife so I just don't want to get into an argument every fucking time about why I want knives pointing downwards.
Get the fuck away from my dishwasher people aaaarrrrrggggghhhhh