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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to come without her baby

105 replies

Laptopontable · 03/03/2016 18:57

I'm currently struggling terribly with depression/anxiety during my third pregnancy. I'm not taking my medication as there are contraindications so as you can imagine I'm not always thinking rationally hence why I'd like an unbiased opinion. I am however seeing all the relevant professionals very regularly.
Anyway, the last week or so has been particularly difficult and I have found myself cutting people out, in particular one of my closest friends. She hasn't really seen me like this before as I'm normally on medication which controls the depression and we weren't as close during my previous pregnancies. I haven't really told her how bad I'm feeling, although she does have some idea that I'm not great at the moment. I really would like to see her, however she will definately bring her 5month old baby with her. For want of a better explanation, I really cannot find the strength to coo and fuss over the baby and really don't want the anxiety afterwards over the guilt that I didn't. I would just like an adult conversation about something other than babies at the moment seeing as my pregnancy is the cause of most of my anxiety.
Does that sound terrible and unreasonable?
How could I ask her to come without him?
Sorry it's long!

OP posts:
Solobo · 04/03/2016 07:44

Wow I never knew how precious people were about others needing adult time.

We have a big group of friends many of whom have Friday's off so we go for a coffee or lunch together about once a month. We have a rule of no babies/toddlers. We all have kids and it is such a treat to have child free time. I adore babies but even my best friend understands that she can't come along with the baby. We've all at stages had to miss out because of having a little one or more but eventually the time comes (for me it was 9 years of having kids at home so could only go if dh was off).

'Love me love my baby' is the most sick inducing thing I have heard for a while. I love my kids but love not being around them now and again.

If your friend is anything like my lot she would jump at the chance have a couple of child free hours.

LazyDaysAndTuesdays · 04/03/2016 07:46

'Love me love my baby' is the most sick inducing thing I have heard for a while. I love my kids but love not being around them now and again.

Glad someone has said that. Thought it was just me Wink

ronjo · 04/03/2016 07:50

Personally I see absolutely no problem whatsoever in this as I see you are not EBF.

Most of us fathers are well able to look after our own babies and even feed them for a few hours.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 04/03/2016 07:56

Of course people love their babies and their world revolves around them. But to expect others to feel the same shows an alarming lack of self awareness and empathy

pennwood · 04/03/2016 09:05

If all else fails why not arrange a good chat on the telephone initially, & your friend may suggest a visit. She would then understand how you are feeling, & would not have a problem with your behaviour. It is important you have some company, & I hope you feel better soon.

irregularegular · 04/03/2016 09:14

Of course you can ask her. She's one of your closest friends and you are really struggling. I would just be straight with her and send an e-mail (or phone call) to her that says something similar to your post - but also emphasizing that you would love to spend time with the baby later, just not yet. A text might be too abrupt and easy to take the wrong way, but whatever works for the two of you. People do go out without 5m old babies you know. Plenty of mothers go to work. I assume the baby has a father she could spend an hour or two with? It doesn't have to be very long and hopefully you can be quite flexible about when and where to make it easy for her. If she's a real friend then she will understand.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 04/03/2016 09:24

This thread is bonkers.
I agree with ronjo the baby has a daddy, is not being bf ( and, actually, at 5 months they are not feeding constantly anymore, are they? I used to go out without the baby whenever I could, and I bf! )
Anyone who is trusted (fathers included) can look after a 5 month old, and there would be nothing at all wrong in asking.
Fgs, mat leave wasn't always 9 months! Plenty of people went back to work and left 3 month old babies with nannies/nurseries/grandma, so a couple of hours away from "Mama" while she has a grown up conversation is hardly going to be traumatic for anyone.

2016Hopeful · 04/03/2016 09:39

Meet up in the evening - either out for a meal or drinks or at home if your husband is out (or can make himself scarce). Just say it would be great to meet up for a child free evening (she will probably just think you need a break from your own kids to have a proper chat). No need to make a big deal of it.

AcademicOwl · 04/03/2016 10:04

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling OP.

If it helps, I've got a 5mo (baby of 3DC), and whilst he comes everywhere with me, I don't expect anyone to coo over him. I rarely get any baby free time, as he's breastfed on demand, but since I'm kinda on automatic with him, I can hold a conversation, etc. I don't mind if people more-or-less ignore him.
however he's a very calm baby, so maybe I'm lucky. 😊
I'd be sad if I had a friend who felt they couldn't see me because they didn't want to 'coo' over baby (or even more weirdly, baby photos?). I do understand that babies engender strong feelings, but I don't feel defined by the small person who sits on my lap or gets fed whilst I chat. That's just part of what I need to do at the moment. I don't expect anyone else to love my baby!
I hop you find a resolution which works. Don't feel bad or apologetic about how you feel; just be honest with your friend and see if you can find a solution together

AcademicOwl · 04/03/2016 10:05

Plus, I wouldn't take my 5 yo or 2yo :)

Chiup · 04/03/2016 10:09

If I were your friend I wouldn't be able to leave DS behind (DH home late) but wouldn't expect you to interact with him or even aknowlefge him when you're feeling so bad. I would try to time his nap so we could chat uninterrupted.

Isetan · 04/03/2016 10:29

Be honest with her and tell her how you feel and how this effects you and your behaviour towards other people (including your own children). She may well have to bring her baby but her knowing how you feel, would give her the opportunity to modify her expectations.

Protecting your friend from the truth won't necessarily spare her feelings, trust in her and your friendship.

squoosh · 04/03/2016 10:43

You've had some odd responses OP.

I'd have no problem asking her not to bring her baby and I'd have absolutely no problem with someone asking me to do the same. Explain your situation to her and I'm sure she'll be fine to visit solo. Presumably the baby will just about cope in his father's company for a couple of hours.

Best of luck to you OP Flowers

dolkapots · 04/03/2016 11:37

I wouldn't have been offended if my friend had asked me this (esp under the circumstances) but it wouldn't have been possible for me either due to no childcare. Is this her pfb? I tend to find people are more "Love me love my kid" with a pfb.

Flowers hope you get sorted soon OP

Gottagetmoving · 04/03/2016 14:18

I also agree with Ronjo

I can't understand why so many of you think the friend can't leave a 5 month old with its dad, or that she can't be expected to leave the baby because it would be too awful for her or upset her too much!
OP has anxiety! She needs some support.
It's worrying if it's seen as traumatic to leave your baby safely with your DP while you visit a friend in need.
Many mums go out socially when their babies are younger than 5 months.

MitzyLeFrouf · 04/03/2016 14:21

I don't understand it either. God forbid a father should be left in sole charge of his 5 month old child.

Msrichardofyork · 04/03/2016 14:26

Another one who thinks this thread is bonkers. I have done this for friends (with fertility problems) - some times they have asked, sometimes I have just read the situation.

dolkapots · 04/03/2016 14:29

I would be annoyed though if I went to the effort of arranging childcare (some men work away) and I went to the house and the friend's kids are tearing around the place. So if you go down the "child free" route then make sure you are child free too.

OP is your friend PFB that makes you think that you have to coo over the baby? In stressful times I would find a baby much easier to deal with than a noisy, inquisitive toddler.

dolkapots · 04/03/2016 14:31

Just to reiterate what a PP said; I certainly don't expect anyone to coo over my baby. In your case I would not even expect the baby to be acknowledged.

expatinscotland · 04/03/2016 14:31

Will your other two children be around, after you asked her not to bring her baby? She might feel a bit Hmm about that.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 04/03/2016 14:31

Sorry to hear you are struggling OP and I think it very reasonable for you to ask her not to bring her baby. Whenever I see friends with their babies it is always all about the baby - fussing, cooing, discussing feed and poo etc - and I don't get the chance to hear about then let alone discuss things that are troubling me. I have learned not to rely on my friends with babies for anything other than a chat about their child.

GColdtimer · 04/03/2016 23:34

Dolka not sure a father looking after his baby in the evening is "going to the effort of arranging childcare". And seriously you would be annoyed if you arrived to find her own kids tearing about. Good friends wouldn't question this and would just say be there to support their friend in whatever form required.

When my friends DH died I would often turn up at the weekend to get the kids tea, and would send her back to bed, let her have a bath or just be there to talk. Her DC were 6 months and 6. I never took my 6 year old and 2 year old because sometimes friends need our full attention. If a friend asked this of you surely you would think they had a good reason and try to help.

dolkapots · 05/03/2016 08:06

twofalls if you read my last post my husband works away so I would have to make quite an effort to get a babysitter as I don't have family nearby. If you have a partner at home then obviously this would not be an effort.

What you did was really good (and I would do it too) but I'm assuming your friend did not specifically ask you to not to bring your children? Although in saying that a 6 year old and 2 year old would be more likely more demanding than a small baby.

I honestly don't get the issue about the baby, but that is maybe because I wouldn't feel the need for him to even be acknowledged. Even when I am fit and well I don't want to talk or hear about feeding/sleeping/nappying etc.

GColdtimer · 05/03/2016 08:14

But the op stated that her friend is not EBF and has a DH at home. I suppose I get a bit irritated when people talk about how they would react when their circumstances are totally different to the ones being presented, it doesn't really help give a balanced viewpoint.

Asking someone not to bring their baby when they have no one to leave the baby with (your case) is entirely different to asking someone not to bring their baby when they could come and leave their baby with their DH for an evening (in the OPs case).

And I think the OPs problems go deeper than not wanting to coo over a baby.

mommy2ash · 05/03/2016 09:21

Op I'm shocked at the replies you received. Tell her what you have told us and I bet if she is any kind of friend at all she will leave baby with her husband and be over to support you. I can't imagine ever telling a friend no sorry you are struggling but I can't be parted from baby for an hour how strange