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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my friend to come without her baby

105 replies

Laptopontable · 03/03/2016 18:57

I'm currently struggling terribly with depression/anxiety during my third pregnancy. I'm not taking my medication as there are contraindications so as you can imagine I'm not always thinking rationally hence why I'd like an unbiased opinion. I am however seeing all the relevant professionals very regularly.
Anyway, the last week or so has been particularly difficult and I have found myself cutting people out, in particular one of my closest friends. She hasn't really seen me like this before as I'm normally on medication which controls the depression and we weren't as close during my previous pregnancies. I haven't really told her how bad I'm feeling, although she does have some idea that I'm not great at the moment. I really would like to see her, however she will definately bring her 5month old baby with her. For want of a better explanation, I really cannot find the strength to coo and fuss over the baby and really don't want the anxiety afterwards over the guilt that I didn't. I would just like an adult conversation about something other than babies at the moment seeing as my pregnancy is the cause of most of my anxiety.
Does that sound terrible and unreasonable?
How could I ask her to come without him?
Sorry it's long!

OP posts:
Buckinbronco · 03/03/2016 19:16

I think you risk making this into a situation that is going to become even more stressful and upsetting.

I also think there might be a bit of projection here and you're focusing on the baby to maybe avoid thinking about something else?

gamerchick · 03/03/2016 19:18

Can you not go and visit her instead? Then you can leave when you've had enough.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 03/03/2016 19:18

If she has a partner at home I'd invite for an evening catch up then don't need to explicitly exclude baby. Flowers

kali110 · 03/03/2016 19:19

dementedpixie same as what said

Original poster
Laptopontable · 03/03/2016 19:21

Thank you for all the great advice.
I have some food for thought. I'm thinking I probably won't ask though.
I have been offered different medication but have chosen (for several reasons and for the time being) to not take them.

OP posts:
FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 19:21

I don't think you really can do that sorry. Even if she could leave him for a few hours after feeding she may not want to and that's absolutely fine. Maybe see her when you are feeling more up to it. If you do ask she may feel obliged to but be stressed out to go back home. Don't think it's a good idea at all.

ZiggyFartdust · 03/03/2016 19:23

It depends. Are you close enough to explain? Do they have someone to leave the baby with? Do they close enough to come between feeds?

I have a similar age baby and it wouldn't bother me if a friend asked me to come over without the baby. I would assume they had a good reason and would accommodate them if possible.

Littlef00t · 03/03/2016 19:23

Id absolutely ask. It's hard to have a deep conversation with an awake baby around anyway, and if she's a good friend I'd imagine she'd be keen to make it happen if she could.

sailawaywithme · 03/03/2016 19:26

I don't think there's anything wrong with making that request. It's not as though you're inviting her to an all-day event and telling her the baby isn't invited. You are really struggling, and need support, and would really appreciate her leaving baby with daddy. Nothing wrong with that request. Of course, she may not be able to arrange it, but there's no harm in asking. And if she's offended by the request she's a moron.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 03/03/2016 19:26

Yanbu to ask if you are able to explain your reasons, and if accept that she may not want to

The further away you live the harder it is. If you're round the corner than swbu not to at least pop over briefly when she's just fed the baby. If you live a few hours away then it's not very practical.

At 5 months in most cases I would expect that a mum could leave baby with a trusted adult (it's father, maybe a grandparent or aunt/uncle). Obviously there are exceptions but as I don't know your friends baby I'm generalising

sailawaywithme · 03/03/2016 19:28

ignore iliveinalighthouse that's among the most ridiculous thing I've read here.

Gottagetmoving · 03/03/2016 19:29

If you explain how you are feeling then I think it's ok to ask. If my friend had been struggling when one of my children was 5 months old, I would have happily arranged to leave them for some few hours whilst I went to visit her.Of course it does depend on whether your friend can get someone to mind the baby.
You are not demanding a visit and demanding she leave her child, you are asking and explaining why. She is a friend!
If she can't then that is ok. You have to decide them to postpone or accept she comes with the baby.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 03/03/2016 19:30

OP you know your friend better than us, has she left the baby before? Is she EBF or is the baby happy with a bottle? Is the father around?

I hope that she is a good enough friend not to be offended by your request, but that you should probably explain your reasons (even just "I've been feeling really low and need a proper chat just the two of us"

keeprunninguphill · 03/03/2016 19:32

Her baby is only 5 months old- no you can't expect her not to bring her baby. She and the baby have needs - as well as you.

Ameliablue · 03/03/2016 19:32

Why don't you suggest an activity or time to get together that would preclude baby and when her oh would be available to look after baby.

ZiggyFartdust · 03/03/2016 19:34

I'm a love me. Love my child person, as I suppose most mums are. You just can't do that to people, op. It's not nice. Your friend won't see it like that " Oh you have your reasons. All she'll see is. That you don't want her baby there, and her mama bear insticts will come out. They're bound to, it's only natural, mine would, yours would

PLEASE don't speak for "most mums" in this way! I completely disagree, as would a great number of mothers. My babies are not me, you don't have to love the baby because you like me. Not everyone likes babies.
There is nothing not nice about it, and I suggest that if you can't cope with someone not loving your child as much as you do, you have some issues of your own to be working on.

ImperialBlether · 03/03/2016 19:34

I'm amazed by most of these responses. If this is a good friend then of course you can say, "I need to talk to you really seriously about something I'm going through. I love seeing your baby but I know if he's here all I will want to do is play with him/talk about him, but I need to talk about this thing that's really concerning me, so would you mind if I just saw you on your own for an hour?"

Original poster
Laptopontable · 03/03/2016 19:35

I don't think she would have any problems leaving the baby. I think she would just assume I'd want to see him, which usually I would.

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/03/2016 19:37

I wasn't nasty. In anyway at all. I said what I thought. That's opinions and open public world wide forums for you.

comeagainforbigfudge · 03/03/2016 19:41

Flowers op, that sounds exhausting. Your poor brain must be in a whirl!

How far along are you? I'd explain to your friend how you are feeling. I'd also suggest you do an evening thing. By time my DD was 5 months i was desperate to have a bit of "me" back. Which included going for dinner sans baby.

If she is a good friend, then she will understand and want to be there for you if she can.

Its not easy, but you need to look after yourself in the best way that you can. And this sounds like a sensible thing to do.

EverySecondCounts · 03/03/2016 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZiggyFartdust · 03/03/2016 19:43

Saying what YOU think is fine. Saying that "most mums" think the same as you is not fine.

chelle792 · 03/03/2016 19:50

I had a miscarriage two months before my friend had his baby. The baby is now five months old. I've kept my distance. They know why and understand. I meet up with my friend every so often for a quick coffee and he just says "when you're ready". It doesn't necessarily need to be offensive

KittyOShea · 03/03/2016 19:51

I think there is nothing wrong with bringing up the idea in the sensitive manner suggested by some previous posters.

There are times when seeing a friend's child/ren is not appropriate. A friend of mine suggested calling to see me with her 3 children shortly after my father passed away. I was at the stage where the numbness had worn off and I could burst into tears at any point. It was lovely of her to suggest visiting but the thought of her coming along with 3 children (4,3 and 1) was more than I could cope with at that time. I didn't have the guts to bring it up and just put her off.

I am child free (not by choice) and always will be. Many friends get togethers now include children and that's fine. However there are times when it's just not appropriate to bring the children.

I hope things get better for you soon Flowers

peacefuleasyfeeling · 03/03/2016 19:53

Oh, OP, I'm sorry you are feeling low. You know, you can ask anyone anything, actually. No rules. You might choose not to, but pps saying you "can't" are being a little daft, I think. Your friend can make up her own mind, but if you explain your predicament the way you have here I am sure she won't think badly of you for it, even if she is not able to make it happen, for whatever reason. I hope you feel better soon.