Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To ask my friend to come without her baby

105 replies

Laptopontable · 03/03/2016 18:57

I'm currently struggling terribly with depression/anxiety during my third pregnancy. I'm not taking my medication as there are contraindications so as you can imagine I'm not always thinking rationally hence why I'd like an unbiased opinion. I am however seeing all the relevant professionals very regularly.
Anyway, the last week or so has been particularly difficult and I have found myself cutting people out, in particular one of my closest friends. She hasn't really seen me like this before as I'm normally on medication which controls the depression and we weren't as close during my previous pregnancies. I haven't really told her how bad I'm feeling, although she does have some idea that I'm not great at the moment. I really would like to see her, however she will definately bring her 5month old baby with her. For want of a better explanation, I really cannot find the strength to coo and fuss over the baby and really don't want the anxiety afterwards over the guilt that I didn't. I would just like an adult conversation about something other than babies at the moment seeing as my pregnancy is the cause of most of my anxiety.
Does that sound terrible and unreasonable?
How could I ask her to come without him?
Sorry it's long!

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 03/03/2016 19:54

I agree with asking her for a catch up one evening for some adult time. I don't think you can say you can't cope with her baby although it may be true. She could take offence at that. If she can't make that I think it's best not to see her.

RubbleBubble00 · 03/03/2016 19:54

Could you ask her to go see a film perhaps with coffee after?

Alisvolatpropiis · 03/03/2016 19:55

I don't see why you can't ask. I have an 8 month old daughter and when she was 5/6 months old a friend died. Her partner, also a friend, needed support and it didn't actually occur to me to take the baby with me. But if I'd been asked not to, I wouldn't have been offended!

FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 19:55

If you think she won't have a problem with leaving the baby, maybe suggest somewhere outside your home instead? So you don't have to bring up not bringing him? Also make it an evening/ late get together so you wouldn't need to explain at all.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 03/03/2016 20:03

I'm with those who think this isn't really a great request to make, tbh. And I thought lighthouse's post was fine.

I have a 5mo and wouldn't leave her because she is ebf, but even if she wasn't and my friend asked me this I do think I would be a bit - and I'm no stranger to depression and anxiety, going through plenty of it myself right now. And OP, I'm not sure it'll help you to avoid ordinary everyday situations and encounters like this one, tbh. I think you'll risk getting into a pattern of avoidance and finding you feel up to less and less. Just warn her in advance you won't be very coo-ey and not to take it personally (I never mind when people don't coo over mine).

VoldysGoneMouldy · 03/03/2016 20:04

I completely understand where you're coming from - but I don't think you can say it to her, unless she is a really close friend who you can be totally honest with, and even then you chance upsetting her, which would make things more stressful for you to deal with.

As an aside, either make sure you are taking your medications correctly - and regularly - or change to a different medication if they're not working for you. You don't have to feel this way.x

ShesAStar · 03/03/2016 20:09

Would a phone conversation be an option? You could set a time and day when you both have an hour or two to spare. I do this with my cousin because we love to chat but live ages away from each other.

MudCity · 03/03/2016 20:13

Of course you can ask her. Please don't feel guilty for the way you are feeling. You are recognising stressors and doing something to address them....that's a positive thing.

Ask. Mother and baby are not joined at the hip and she does have a husband she can leave the baby with. She may be glad to have the opportunity for a break from childcare!

I hope you feel much better soon.

Twixthecat · 03/03/2016 20:16

Hmm tough one. I can completely get where you're coming from, but I guess it'd depend on your relationship with her if you think she'd be offended and if she is generally happy leaving him. As others have said it depends on her childcare options, feeding etc. Personally for me the practicalities (BF, DH working full time long hours, no one else to babysit) of leaving my DS at 5 months would have made it hard, but if a dear friend called and said they were having a hard time and really needed a grown up chat away from kids then I'd have done what I could to be there for her.
Could you not ask to call her for a chat? Having a conversation over the phone to at least set the scene of how you're feeling?
Go to her place at a time the baby is napping?
Or ask to go out one evening?
Hope you work it out x

KIM10 · 03/03/2016 20:19

I have Pstd I came off meds because of my miracle pregnancy it's so hard with hormones no meds I feel for you

I would send a text saying I am struggling and I would like to have a chat on our own is this possible for you to arrange I would appreciate the support

What has helped me is CBT therapy

shadesofwinter · 03/03/2016 20:41

I don't see any problem with being straight with her; I wouldn't have been upset or offended in your friend's place. If you say that you're struggling more than she probably realises and you'd love to see the baby once your anxiety passes or is more under control, I'm sure she will be sympathetic. Hope things are better for you soon.

GColdtimer · 03/03/2016 20:51

Op knows friend isn't EBF and can leave the baby with her DH in the evening.

If you invite her over in the evening it's highly unlikely she will bring the baby anyway, at 5 months he probably has some kind of bed time.

How about saying "fancy a cuppa/glass of wine one evening - are you able to leave DC with your DH for a couple of hours as I could really do with a chat, things aren't great at the moment".

Original poster

Laptopontable · 03/03/2016 20:59

Thank you again for further messages of advice and support. I think the best course of action would be to suggest meeting up in the evening and hope that it's obvious it would be child free. I would hate to hurt her and for her to think that I don't like her son or something like that.
Anyway, I am so grateful for all the responses but I am going to leave this thread now as I'm finding it hard to think what to reply and don't want to appear rude and just disappear.
Here's hoping I will get a healthy baby in the summer and this will all be a distant memory!

OP posts:

looki · 03/03/2016 21:00

I really wouldn't ask her to come without her baby nor would I not fuss and coo about the baby when she brings him/her. Your friend's baby is more than likely the most important person in her life right now.

Perhaps you could ask her to meet for an early bird meal some evening for an hour and a half instead but please be prepared and accept that she will want expect and want to discuss her own life as well as yours, even if you do decide to tell her about your anxiety too.

When I had my first child, a friend of mine called to my home. I knew she suffers from anxiety but to be honest I really expected her to take some sort of interest in what to me was a major life event. She continuously spoke about herself and her long list of issues, stayed absolutely hours and ignored and seemed put out that I was also trying to entertain a small baby (who wanted my attention). I remember finding her visit very stressful.

looki · 03/03/2016 21:02

ETA posted at the same time as the OP's last message. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy OP.

scarlets · 03/03/2016 21:12

Could you arrange to meet her in a quiet wine bar, mid-week? It won't be too full-on for you, and she won't bring the baby. You'll only have to coo over photos then.

Best wishes. I hope you feel a bit better having read the mainly supportive responses.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 03/03/2016 21:17

ignore iliveinalighthouse that's among the most ridiculous thing I've read here.

^ this.

for you OP

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/03/2016 21:25

What is this. Pick on ilive night. .
I said something wrong. Flame me forever.

MattDillonsPants · 03/03/2016 21:26

My friend and I both used to say sometimes "Shall we have a coffee without the kids?: and we'd sort it out. Whenever one of us wanted a rest from them, it was fine to say that. She sometimes just wanted me and I wanted her without any distractions.x

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 03/03/2016 21:29

Well no actually not wrong. Just a different opinion from others. why I'm crawling up arses. The Lord alone knows.
One thing I will say though,. I apologise if I upset you, op.

ZiggyFartdust · 03/03/2016 21:31

It is wrong. For the reasons already given.

becksblue · 03/03/2016 22:49

I have a baby around that age right now and agree with ilive not saying it's right or wrong but that's how I'd feel. Maybe it's because I'm ebf but for now we come as a package. I'd be more understanding at you not wanting to see me than asking to see me without my baby.

I really don't think I'd notice if you didn't coo and make a fuss though. I'd be there to see you and not monitor your interactions with my baby so if it helps let yourself off the hook with that one

soundsystem · 03/03/2016 22:56

I think it's absolutely fine to ask to see her without the baby. As others have said, it's just how you say it, saying "shall we go for a meal/drink/child-free coffee?" shouldn't cause offence.

You know her best and some people (as some PPs) do feel they come as a package, but the baby is 5 months, not 5 weeks or 5 days, isn't EBF, and your friend has a DH to look after him. If it were me, I wouldn't be at all offended.

PurpleDaisies · 03/03/2016 22:57

What I'd take from this thread op is that different people have different feelings about whether they'd want to leave their babies or not. You know your friend and whether she'd be upset at being asked. I honestly don't see how asking gently would be a problem if you made it clear you would be happy for her to say no. Your evening meet up plan sounds a good one.

Sorry you're having a tough time and really hope things improve for you soon.

blueturtle6 · 04/03/2016 06:58

Personally id explain how you are feeling. She may want to see you anyhow and plan when baby is sleeping. I have a 5 mo and some people fuss and coo others don't completely up to them and those who didn't needn't feel any guilt.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5