Think I may have made a mistake. Housework AIBU?

[Chebs]

This may potentially be a little long, so apologies in advance.

My H and I both work full time in weekdays, but H works dayshift 2 weeks, then night shift 2 weeks whereas my hours are fixed days. He is always a moody bugger by week 2 of nightshift, and I typically try and pick up the vast majority of the housework and childcare (8 yr old DS) during his night shift as it does take it out of him. He works long shifts over 4 days/nights, and has a very manual/heavy lifting job. Mine is office based and can be quite high pressure.

Recently, I have noticed that this is becoming the norm. My typical day is up at 6am, quick tidy around, washer on, empty dishwasher, get DS ready for school, leave house for breakfast club drop off at 7.30am and start work at 8am. I then finish at 4.30pm, get DS from afterschool club and get home to change washer over, start dinner, tidy around, spellings, homework, make beds etc. I don't normally finish until after I put DS to bed at 8pm, and even then I may need to iron things.

His day in comparison is, get up and leave house by 6.15am. Return at around 5.40pm. I do ask for help and sometimes I get it, sometimes I get a huffy 'I'm tired' and he will do it later. I must point out it has only recently - last couple of months - become more of the huffy response.

The last 4 weeks he was on fixed night shift due to a shift change - I must point out that we discussed this change beforehand and told him he needed to help out more as I was feeling quite burnt out. He admitted that he had slipped in the housework stakes and would do more, but this hasn't really materialised. I came in from work last week on a day he would normally tidy up the house a bit, and nothing - I mean not one thing - had been done. It was actually worse, and he was having a nap. I (gently) woke him, as he needed to be up shortly or his body clock would have been all to pieces otherwise and we talked about what needed to be done in the house. He wasn't particularly listening or actively helping me (we were time restricted for DS pick up from school) and I am actually a little embarrassed to say that I had somewhat of a melt down. The upshot of it is that I have passed on every single household chore onto him. Explained that I will now be taking 3 weeks off, and he will be doing all shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing and any other job I normally do without thinking, bar taking DS to school and his normal clubs as he is restricted by working hours.

WIBU? I have been quite non negotiable with this and am literally not doing a thing around the house unless he specifically asks - and even then I am giving his typical responses. I even went so petty as to leave dirty laundry in the bathroom and NEXT TO the laundry basket as he does

MN jury - am I being too evil?

Keep running...what part of a grown man leaving his dirty underwear next to a laundry basket, expecting his wife to pick them up, clean them and hand them back to him, is nice? Where is the compromise in one fully capable adult running round like an unpaid skivvy for another?

OP might be treating her husband like a dog - but he is treating her like shit. She might be treating him like a child - but by living in squalor and not taking any responsibility for himself, their house or their actual child he is acting like one!

I am definitely going to speak to him this weekend about some sort of resolution. Something has to happen.

Unfortunately we have some bills and additional childcare costs (due to my new hours) that the majority of my pay rise would cover. Desperately trying to clear a personal loan so that we can begin over paying mortgage.

I don't know if getting a cleaner would sit right with me? We could probably afford it, but I don't know - I have never had one. Suppose I just figured that if he picked up his fare share we wouldn't need one. Its like he is still not bothering and finding the easy way out?

I feel for you family life can be really difficult and arguments over housework are part of this - I would suggest you get a cleaner to come in once a week - paid for jointly - that way it puts a value on the cleaning and takes it out of the arguments - you will still need to clean but not as much and will get you back a couple of hours a week. I do all the laundry and cooking but I work part time so my DH does pack lunches for the kids most of the morning drop offs and the garden

My husband worked shifts & always changed into a zombie for his week of nights so I can appreciate where you are coming from. What you have decided to do will only inflame family life, & everyone will be unhappy. I would suggest calling a truce, then without apportioning blame, discuss things in a calm manner to try & find a solution. Do you have any family that might help out sometimes, or perhaps manage to pay someone to assist for a few hours?

Normally I would advocate over paying your mortgage if you can. But what is the point if you are miserable, with you doing too much housework and your DH too exhausted from shift work. All that will happen is that you will increasingly resent one another and be snappy to each other- not conducive to a happy marriage.

I think you should focus on resolving the issues that are causing the current unhappiness. So two things:

• can DH find another job that is only day shift, even if it pays less?
• get a cleaner to remove some of the housework burden

Agree with maths fiend, too many people on here and presumably out there too are stressed and miserable because of long working hours and tiredeness in service of the wretched mortgage/deposit/unreasonable rent. And shifts like your DH's should be illegal IMO. FAR better that he doesn't feel he has to sacrifice happiness at home and his own health, if there is an option not to, even if you have to modify your property hopes a bit, surely?

Not sure about the cleaner dilemma, was pondering exactly the same this morning (ie why should DH & kids be let off, bet I would still end up doing more, etc). Cleaner wouldn't be here daily putting away the dirty dishes and washing pots so there would be plenty left for me everyone to do.

Have to admit I was fantasising about a big dustbin for the cleaner to put everyone's shit in when they cleaned round, so I could PA point out they hadn't put it away when they were all digging it out again (teenagers, so more than capable of doing their bit).

Try to stick to your guns with ignoring the 'post-burglary' look of the house. Hopefully one if the kids will comment at some point?

Totally agree with mathsfiend. What's the point in trying to pay off your mortgage quicker when you are tired & miserable now? I have heard so many stories of people retiring or being at last in a better financial situation but then life being cut short because of ill health.
Get a cleaner, get food delivered, perhaps cut your hours down? Enjoy life, enjoy your son. Don't get bogged down with housework! As long as there is food on the table & clean clothes don't worry so much about the hoovering, cleaning the bath etc. No one is going to die from a bit of dust & grime!!!
Having said that....if you want to continue with a maintained house & you both working full time then I agree that your husband needs to pull his weight.

My dad was like this,worse too.I decided to do it as it killed me watching it destroy mum with her doing everything but also the fact being yer husband wouldn't help look out fr her be a team.

Dh was bad, so bad at cooking - completely pandered mother. I started him slowly with likes of stir frys - ready prepped veg, packet sauce, fresh noodles or sausage and ready made mash. I meal planned and he cooked every other day. Once he got confident he's happy to make most things. it's about making things easy at the start.

Dh doesn't see dirt either so I used to go a chore a day - hoovering, exactly what needed cleaning in the bathroom or beds needed changing. He was bad to start but again got better.

Get a cleaner and take the strain off your marriage.

I don't think you're being unreasonable, however, if the change is recent and marked, then maybe something else is going on with him? Could he be depressed? I'm not excusing lazy bastard-ness, but just maybe...

Incompetent men. I see them everywhere.
Get a cleaner. Which basically means hire another person to do things he could do. It won't mean he does stuff the cleaner doesn't. He gets to carry on thinking it's not his responsibility.

Sadly I have no solution. He either changes or you put up and shut up. Or give up on living with him.

Unfortunately I cant halt dinner prep for 2 weeks of the month, as we are like passing ships and he would end up leaving the house with no dinner!

This is your problem OP.

You have to allow him to suffer the consequences or all of this is utterly pointless.

This has been an uncomfortable read for me, because I work four evening/nights a week and have done for over 20 years (not rotating shifts, same weekly pattern every week). Over the last - maybe seven or eight? - years, I have gradually just sunk deeper and deeper into energy depletion and, I think, slight depression because - I guess - of the cumulative effect of doing it for 20+ years and being in my early 50s and post-menopausal.

And my DH does everything around the house while I feel permanently exhausted and depressed. Which I'm very aware of, and feel very guilty about, particularly because of the example it sets to my DS. But I've got mentally stuck.

So I'm going to read this thread properly later (when I get home from work at about 1am) and think about how I can perhaps try to reverse the trend in this household.

I would emphasise everything that's been said above about the effect of night working. I honestly feel like it's beginning to wreck my life now, but I'm too worried about money to stop doing it. (That's another conversation.) I'm not asking for sympathy, or suggesting that you should be sympathetic to your husband - but I would say that I have gradually slipped into a position where I do even less than I'm able, just because the effect of night working has been so depleting. And now, the guilt at doing absolutely nothing is contributing to my negative frame of mind.

So, in short (at the end of all this waffle!) do try to work out a good compromise position, but do be sympathetic to the effects of night working. (Which you clearly are anyway, so I'm slightly talking to myself!) And thank you for creating this thread. Funny how things happen!

to all for Mothers Day!

The reason I told my "dh" that our marriage was over was due to him not pulling his weight.

I work nights (maternity night nurse) but he sees it as me "being at home all day" so "of course" I have time for housework and childcare. He doesn't have time as "he is working". We have four children that need looking after, the youngest is only 2

Nothing kills a marriage as quickly as resentment

I'm a single mum of 8&5 yr olds. I work part time. I'm always exhausted because I have to do everything.

My house isn't as spotless as I would like but I have to ignore that.

I often say to my children NO. I'm not wonder woman.

Today, as its Mother's Day, I asked them to bring me a coffee in bed. They did !

We went swimming and had lunch out. When we came home I explained I needed help

They both went round the whole house picking up their stuff.
Put their clothes away.
DD cleaned the bath and basin.
They peeled the veg.
DS laid the table for dinner with my mum who is coming over.

They are both now having down time on iPads. As am I.

I have praised them for their team work. My ex was in the incompetent bracket. I'm determined not to allow my kids to do the same.
So also think about the example he is setting to DC.

And now my DC will be doing a lot more around the house because today they have proved they can!