Think I may have made a mistake. Housework AIBU?

[Chebs]

This may potentially be a little long, so apologies in advance.

My H and I both work full time in weekdays, but H works dayshift 2 weeks, then night shift 2 weeks whereas my hours are fixed days. He is always a moody bugger by week 2 of nightshift, and I typically try and pick up the vast majority of the housework and childcare (8 yr old DS) during his night shift as it does take it out of him. He works long shifts over 4 days/nights, and has a very manual/heavy lifting job. Mine is office based and can be quite high pressure.

Recently, I have noticed that this is becoming the norm. My typical day is up at 6am, quick tidy around, washer on, empty dishwasher, get DS ready for school, leave house for breakfast club drop off at 7.30am and start work at 8am. I then finish at 4.30pm, get DS from afterschool club and get home to change washer over, start dinner, tidy around, spellings, homework, make beds etc. I don't normally finish until after I put DS to bed at 8pm, and even then I may need to iron things.

His day in comparison is, get up and leave house by 6.15am. Return at around 5.40pm. I do ask for help and sometimes I get it, sometimes I get a huffy 'I'm tired' and he will do it later. I must point out it has only recently - last couple of months - become more of the huffy response.

The last 4 weeks he was on fixed night shift due to a shift change - I must point out that we discussed this change beforehand and told him he needed to help out more as I was feeling quite burnt out. He admitted that he had slipped in the housework stakes and would do more, but this hasn't really materialised. I came in from work last week on a day he would normally tidy up the house a bit, and nothing - I mean not one thing - had been done. It was actually worse, and he was having a nap. I (gently) woke him, as he needed to be up shortly or his body clock would have been all to pieces otherwise and we talked about what needed to be done in the house. He wasn't particularly listening or actively helping me (we were time restricted for DS pick up from school) and I am actually a little embarrassed to say that I had somewhat of a melt down. The upshot of it is that I have passed on every single household chore onto him. Explained that I will now be taking 3 weeks off, and he will be doing all shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing and any other job I normally do without thinking, bar taking DS to school and his normal clubs as he is restricted by working hours.

WIBU? I have been quite non negotiable with this and am literally not doing a thing around the house unless he specifically asks - and even then I am giving his typical responses. I even went so petty as to leave dirty laundry in the bathroom and NEXT TO the laundry basket as he does

MN jury - am I being too evil?

Lorelei9 you have worded that so much more eloquently, thank you. I think I am so used to stepping in and just doing it the moment he flusters that I had a moment. I still want to talk to him this weekend, and I will absolutely be quoting Banivani as this is exactly how I feel.

I don't understand how I can do my, very relationship orientated, job so efficiently and just fail so miserably at putting my feelings across to my own husband. I just feel burnt out as we have had this discussion a few times now.

Makes perfect sense to me.

It's sensible to want redress for historical imbalances, but it's also sensible to realise that tit for tat might not be the most productive dynamic. It's also sensible to want to understand what running the house actually really entails, but it's also sensible to realise that you might have different standards on some things and let some stuff go. It's just finding a balance that suits you both well enough and where everything gets done.

Doing some of the cleaning together really helped us at one point. We got to see how the other worked, learned the things that did and didn't matter to us. For example. I thought it was fair that we took turns cleaning the loo, turns out he doesn't mind doing it, so he always does the bathroom and loo, I always do the kitchen now. He can reach the tiles above the bath no bother whilst it's a struggle for me, plus I remember to clean out the seal on the washing machine and he often forgets.

Plus we got on top of it for once and it'as always easier to stay on top of something than be running to catch up.

We've had a tricky few years here.
Before dh retired, I was sahm, and stayed as such, doing everything home related, even after dc's grew and left, as my health was deteriorating. Then dh retired, I got suddenly worse, so he had to try to cope for a while, then HE had very major surgery, so I had to do everything - much too hard!
Now I tend to make lists, his and hers, so he can see the jobs that need doing, and can see when mine is longer than his. He has now started doing some of those jobs, even if I haven't made a list, which is how it should be. They've been used to not having to think what to do, and lists are a useful tool, both in showing how much needs to be done, and reminding them what bits are their responsibility.
ATM he is fitting a new shower while I am faffing on mn resting

Chebs "I just feel burnt out as we have had this discussion a few times now."

well you feel burnt out because he isn't listening. To me, that's another good case for standing back for a few days to ensure he sees just how much you need to do to keep on top of things.

I'm afraid it's reminding me a bit of an episode of Desperate Housewives where Tom becomes the SAH and lets the place get so messy...then doesn't care, and Lynette ends up planting a rat in the house to make him think his mess has attracted it...!

the best way to learn to do anything is to actually do it so I think you should stick with this as long as he's on days..? Night shifts are more complex I guess? And if you put in a new system, as i say, I would ask for him to do more on days and less on nights.

I think the part that struck me the most from your opening post was the word help

You asked him to help you. So in your eyes and his housework is ultimately your responsibility.

I agree with PitPat wholeheartedly. You need to streamline stuff.

I am a SAHM with two children in school. I have my shopping delivered, I batch cook (so tonight's chilli was taken out of the freezer as I not only double up but triple up) and I have a schedule for housework so anyone can see at a glance what needs to be done (that was for the children to see how much is done whilst they are at school.)

If you can get a cleaner, do it, even if it is just a fortnightly thing or a one off deep clean.

It took me so long to get through to DH about the sheer headspace all the house stuff took up Chebs...the weight of feeling like I had to keep everything ticking over or things wouldn't get done and he wouldn't notice.

He would always agree with me whilst we were talking about it, then it would seemingly just drop out of his head a minute later. He would always do stuff if I asked him to, but he never clicked that I didn't want to be thinking about it all the time.

Eventually I just stopped being project manager out of sheer frustration.

I still did actual house stuff, but I didn't try to keep track of everything on a mental spreadsheet.

This is going to sound really stupid, but I wrote down loads of lists, made electronic diary appointments for each task at the following weekends and invited him to them. All of them. Sent them to his work calendar.

He agreed to do them. Then we spent two weekends where we both did hours trying to plough through all the appointments and still not finishing. We had a massive bust up. He said it wasn't working. So I told him to come up with better way, as I'd already put forward my proposition. Then he started to get the picture that it was about doing lots of little bits as you went along so stuff didn't pile up.

So now he takes the initiative a lot more, even checks the fridge before he goes out in the morning to see if we're running low on anything and picks things up on the way back. He'll say "I think we need potatoes and salad, anything else you can think of?". Which is such a relief.

I'm home. Dishwasher and other jobs not done. Dinner is not in. When they realise the time they will appear. I will not give in. I'm beyond unhappy and feel like having a internal strop.

The night shift excuse is quite frankly, bollocks.

For three years my DH worked Mornings, Nights & Afternoons... a 3 shift rotation, which is worse than days and nights, trust me... and he STILL managed to do his fair share of the housework.

On mornings he used to do 6-2, and would help me with dinner and laundry.
On afternoons he worked 2-10 and would help with vacuuming, bin emptying and quite often make himself a cooked meal before he went, leaving me some to reheat for us later.
On Nights he worked 10-6 and would come home, get the kids up, feed them breakfast, put a load of laundry on, make the beds, make me breakfast and then go to bed. He'd get up about 6pm and help me put the kids to bed.

Shift work is NO excuse for crying off the housework, none.

I understand the points pp made about night shift knackering you...but I think what you're annoyed about is that he hadn't even tried to think around that. So yes he might have been too tired to stick the hoover around or help DS with his hw in the night - but he could have stuck a load of washing on and turned the dishwasher on when he got in from work and then gone straight to bed, for example. He could have stuck something in the slow cooker while he was napping, or put an easy meal in the oven ready for tea to be ready you to come home to. He could have given the bathroom a quick once over while he had a shower, or planned an online shop...none of these take more than a few minutes and are not physically exhausting...the fact he didn't even try to make the slightest bit of effort shows he just doesn't think it's really his responsibility.

The stuff like leaving his dirty clothes next to the laundry basket is just taking the piss, imho. Nobody is that exhausted!

also for OP and goingtobeawesome for sticking to your guns!

DS came to ask about dinner. I reminded him re jobs. Said he'd done them. I pointed out not good enough (if at all) and that his sister hadn't done hers. There would be no dinner until she did. He did is, went and told her, she came and did it and now all the kids are eating dinner.

No one died. The sky didn't fall in. Just because kids ate later than normal. Mummy learns .

I know the pain of alternating night shifts. But I also know that many single people alternate night shifts and I don't imagine the majority of them live in squalor because they can't find it in them to do anything at all.

I'd hang in there for at least a week OP. Maybe closer to two if he's not actually doing everything.

Agree with PPs though. If you can streamline, you really must. I personally refuse to spend every evening 'properly' cooking...I cook in bulk every 2-3 days for evening meals. I sometimes do a load of soup to do a week's lunches. I shop online. And for cleaning I do little and often.

I've worked all manner of shifts around a 24 hour clock shift system, it didn't stop me doing housework. I've been up various times through the night for approx two years, x2 babies/children. I still managed to do housework. The shifts thing is an excuse!

Don't feel sorry for your DH! Sounds like he was more than happy to watch you run yourself into the ground. Let's see how he likes it. You'll need to work out a decent routine going forward, but for now, hopefully he will learn exactly how much he's been shirking his duties.

There is another rule that we stick to, which is once responsibility for a task has been allocated, it is up to the person to whom it has been allocated to set the standards. OH's record is going out shopping five times in a row before he remembered to get the cling film we needed. Everyone makes mistakes, we all learn at different rates.

At work, you wouldn't just shoulder someone else's tasks if you didn't like what they were doing...

Good for you.

It sounds like you have really tried to sort this by talking and explaining and it hasn't worked.

HOpefully this will get his attention. Yes night shift is hard but plenty of adults do night shift and are single parents so HAVE to do the rest, or are single adults so have to do it for themselves anyway.

I find this way of behaving childish. Adults in a mutually respectful relationship shouldn't need to play games. Still - if it works for you.

Thank you all for being so supportive. I think I have had more support here than at home, I normally get grief and an argument most days
Goingtobe I am so glad they listened and did as they were told. It makes such a difference when things just work well!

I came home from work to the house being disgusting again. Sides cluttered with dirty dishes, old food stains on surfaces, bathroom in same state .... I could go on.

Apparently he doesn't have time to make dinner. I made it in the end.

bluejug I honestly have tried so many times. I ask nicely, we tried allocating chores, he has set rooms/I have set rooms... it always ends in me getting the brunt of it all after a couple weeks.

Just feel at the end of my tether, and this feels like the only way iyswim?

I think YANBU but if he is really struggling and seems not himself might be worth him being checked for anemia and thyroid. If all normal you know,you can keep going til you sort the problem. I honestly also think cleaner will help (unless they turn into whole other problem. Not bitter really). If you find the solution. Please let me know.

Totally reasonable.

I didn't mean you OP. But I just meant people in general coming on these threads saying either they or somebody they know does ten times more so what's the problem. But I think when two people work full time they have to make life as easy as they can for themselves especially when one is on long shifts and you having to get up so early. There are any prizes for collapsing with exhaustion. PitPat's post has some great ideas.

If you are getting a wage rise, can't you get a cleaner?

That will take away some of the pressure, then come up with a plan for you BOTH be in charge of particular things like shopping, cooking, tidying etc.

You could also swap round roles of you want, a week about shopping/cooking etc.

It sounds like you are punishing him as if he is a child or a dog that needs to be taught a lesson. That's not nice. Get a cleaner and learn to compromise.

Punishing him? Playing games? You both need your heads examining.

Op works full time, does all the housework, all the cooking and all the child related drops and pick ups. Despite having a husband. She's got to be absolutely exhausted. And that's completely unnecessary when he could chip in to take the load off. Talking to him hasn't worked.