Think I may have made a mistake. Housework AIBU?

[Chebs]

This may potentially be a little long, so apologies in advance.

My H and I both work full time in weekdays, but H works dayshift 2 weeks, then night shift 2 weeks whereas my hours are fixed days. He is always a moody bugger by week 2 of nightshift, and I typically try and pick up the vast majority of the housework and childcare (8 yr old DS) during his night shift as it does take it out of him. He works long shifts over 4 days/nights, and has a very manual/heavy lifting job. Mine is office based and can be quite high pressure.

Recently, I have noticed that this is becoming the norm. My typical day is up at 6am, quick tidy around, washer on, empty dishwasher, get DS ready for school, leave house for breakfast club drop off at 7.30am and start work at 8am. I then finish at 4.30pm, get DS from afterschool club and get home to change washer over, start dinner, tidy around, spellings, homework, make beds etc. I don't normally finish until after I put DS to bed at 8pm, and even then I may need to iron things.

His day in comparison is, get up and leave house by 6.15am. Return at around 5.40pm. I do ask for help and sometimes I get it, sometimes I get a huffy 'I'm tired' and he will do it later. I must point out it has only recently - last couple of months - become more of the huffy response.

The last 4 weeks he was on fixed night shift due to a shift change - I must point out that we discussed this change beforehand and told him he needed to help out more as I was feeling quite burnt out. He admitted that he had slipped in the housework stakes and would do more, but this hasn't really materialised. I came in from work last week on a day he would normally tidy up the house a bit, and nothing - I mean not one thing - had been done. It was actually worse, and he was having a nap. I (gently) woke him, as he needed to be up shortly or his body clock would have been all to pieces otherwise and we talked about what needed to be done in the house. He wasn't particularly listening or actively helping me (we were time restricted for DS pick up from school) and I am actually a little embarrassed to say that I had somewhat of a melt down. The upshot of it is that I have passed on every single household chore onto him. Explained that I will now be taking 3 weeks off, and he will be doing all shopping, meal planning, cooking, cleaning, tidying, washing and any other job I normally do without thinking, bar taking DS to school and his normal clubs as he is restricted by working hours.

WIBU? I have been quite non negotiable with this and am literally not doing a thing around the house unless he specifically asks - and even then I am giving his typical responses. I even went so petty as to leave dirty laundry in the bathroom and NEXT TO the laundry basket as he does

MN jury - am I being too evil?

That is really helpful, thank you Pitpat.

I totally understand where everyone is coming from with the shift work. He has been doing them for almost 3 years now, and I would much prefer if he got a job on days. I am fortunately going to be moving into a new job (same role) on a much better wage soon - and would be happy to have him reduce his hours/look for day shift to remove this issue.

In all honesty he has never been a 50/50 share kind of H with housework. I don't think that is because he is an ignorant twat, I think it has more to do with me being unable to rest if something isn't done, and him milling in the background.

He made the WORST dinner yesterday. It was totally unavoidable (burnt) but inedible, so I ordered a Chinese!

When I was on nights I worked Mon night to Thurs night. I always went to bed early on Fri night telling myself I'd get up early on Saturday, but I never could, I just couldn't get out of bed before noon. Sleeping for 18 hours doesn't sound unusual imo.

I only mentioned the 18 hour sleep because that is very out of character for him - I would never berate him for sleeping that long, he clearly needed it.
I think the additional 2 weeks may have knocked it right out of him. I am actually starting to feel totally unreasonable now

How is it being evil to ask him to go through exactly what you have been doing for months on end? So he's tired? Boobloodyhoo! So are you!

You need parity of hours! If you are on your feet doing, doing, doing from 6am to 8pm, then he needs to do the same kind of hours. Hopefully this will mean that you can actually both be on your feet from 6am to 6pm instead, as he will be putting in extra labour.

Stay firm! Hold that line, and insist that you get a better arrangement.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, even with your follow up posts.

Good luck OP. Please update us - I'm watching with interest as we've had similar battles here, although not with housework, which he's great with, but mentally "checking out" of other stuff. I've threatened to do what you're doing but worried it will all fall apart!

I don't think you are being unreasonable, even with the extra two weeks. If he was that knackered then the grown up thing to say is "I'm really sorry, this extra night shift stint is killing me. I will pick up at home when it's done" not just go on ignoring the issue.

But lertgush you did imply that because your sister and her husband cope with it, then there is no excuse for the OP's husband. A couple of examples of people who manage doesn't mean that everyone could in the same circumstances.

... and you do exactly the same when you say "without either of them deciding they can do absolutely nothing around the house any more"...maybe the OP's husband hasn't decided, maybe he just can't. a decision implies having a choice about it.

That said, it might not be the shift work. But as it is perfectly possible he is just struggling overall, it's a good angle to explore. It could be productive to tackle the work situation, or at least come up with some strategies around coping with the effects of the shift work first, so he is able to help with the housework.

Night shifts are exhausting. Far more than day shifts. Get a cleaner. Do you really need to get up at 6 am. I'm tired of hearing of those martyrs who do a 100 hours a week look after 6 children and clean a ten bedroomed mansion. When their health breaks down they'll wish they had taken life a bit easier. I

For those of you wanting an update... he is struggling. He did the shopping at the weekend and spent about £20 over our normal budget, hated meal planning, and decided that on Saturday we would eat out and Sunday we went to a family members for dinner.

I mentioned earlier that he burnt dinner yesterday, he used a pan to cook (char) a bacon sandwich in the morning. He then rinsed/washed (clearly not very well) the pan and the food he was cooking for dinner had stuck on bits of burnt bacon all over them. He started panicking and worrying how he was going to make another meal before leaving for night shift so I went out for take away.

Its not going so well.

Vivien, I definitely have to get up at 6 - 6.15 at the latest, as I have to leave the house by 7.20am.

I don't think I am being a martyr

This is what needs to happen, though. For him to appreciate the burden that this is placing on you. For him to learn. For you to have a break.

You're supposed to be equals. He'll struggle, he'll learn, and things will get better.

Lol, actually it's going VERY well because he is realizing that doing all these things is not easy and he should also see how grateful he should be that you are doing so much.
It should also make it him realise how important it is for him to participate.

And btw, I actually think he really needs to be able to do all that.

Looking at my relatives, it is clear that it is essential for both partners to know how to cope with these daily activities on their own. Especially as they get oler (but its not going to happen when they are 70s if they can't do it at 35yo iyswim)

He does need to learn how to cook. But it doesn't need to be elaborate. Can you not include him in the meal planning: Thursday will be your night to cook what do you fancy doing? Egg and chips? Beans on toast? Etc

Can you get a cleaner to stay on yo pic the major things like a weekly clean of kitchen bathroom and floors? Might only cost you £20.

Another vote for a cleaner...... Seems a no brainier here unless you really can't afford it?

Yep, exactly what Love said. The reason I'm wanting a change is because my parents went all the way down that road and my dad is now basically helpless. He can't cook, doesn't know when insurance is due/car needs MOT/dog needs to go to the vet, doesn't know how much things cost etc. Of course he COULD but at 72 he's so far out of the habit it's almost impossible for him to change now.

I don't think night shift is an excuse. I've worked night shift before, I still managed to do all the crap that I still do.

Keep going OP!

Sounds like he's not coping Chebs... if that's the case do you think that you sitting down and talking about what is going on might be a better way?

I don't mean that you should do more, or go back to your old ways, absolutely hold the line about the 50/50 split. But maybe you could reduce the amount you do overall between you, by simplifying things etc. He could also think about whether there are things he can do to cope with the shift work (regular exercise etc).

It's easy to think that if you are doing too much, then it's because the other person is doing too little. But sometimes you are both doing too much, just in different ways and you just cut corners in different ways. Could it help to sit down and work out where you can both cut corners and lighten your load?

When I got ill a couple of years ago and less able to cope with housework etc, we (eventually, in amongst a lot of rows and sulks etc) did a few things that helped.

1. We started getting shopping delivered
2. We really simplified our meals, concentrated on cooking things that are easy and can do more than once. So someone cooks a main dish every couple of days, that way we both get days off from cooking and quick meals other times.
3. We packed up a lot of stuff into storage boxes to make general tidying up and cleaning easier. Some stuff even went to the charity shop.
4. We get some things picked up and washed/ironed by a local laundry e.g. shirts and bed linen, as it really cuts down on washing and ironing. Due to my illness, we can't really eat out or buy prepared foods, so it seemed a sensible way of spending the same amount of money as we would spend on a takeaway and making both our lives a lot easier.
5. We also identified some things we could do together, that would make the job easier e.g. hoovering- one hoovers, one moves stuff out of the way for the hooverer/does a general tidy alongside. We work together, which always makes you feel better about both doing the cleaning, and it takes a lot less time than stopping and starting.

I think that the combo of shift work and physical work must be a killer

but that said I think he's leaving everything to you which isn't right either.

it probably is good for him to do the lot for a couple of weeks. Then you can sit down together and work out a system that uses each other's strengths and he will hopefully have more respect for how you handle things like budgeting and cooking.

the shift thing will probably mean he has to put in more time when he can and maybe less when on nights? So overall you could do an equal share but he would balance his a bit differently that you do yours?

sounds like total exhaustion to me. some very good ideas to make your lives easier on here. in fact i think i'm going to try some!

I do agree that he is struggling, but is it terrible that my thought is 'he hasn't even really scratched the surface'? He hasn't cleaned much, just wiped down the sides in the kitchen and put dishes in the washer. Done a couple of washing loads. Kind of cheated at the weekend by eating out and planning going to family for dinner.

I think we need to sit down this weekend and really go through everything. Talk properly. Originally I said 'that's it, I am taking 3 weeks off' as that is basically what he has had - but I don't think its fair to actively put him through it the same as I don't think its fair that he allowed me to do it all despite requests for help.

Does that even make sense?

PitPatKitKat you did imply that because your sister and her husband cope with it, then there is no excuse for the OP's husband

I did imply that there is no excuse for the OP's husband to be COMPLETELY unable to help around the house. Yes. I'm amazed anyone could consider him completely unable to do anything other than work.

I did not imply that he's unaffected by working shifts, which is what you seem to think I said.

Chebs "Does that even make sense?"

you're saying - it's not fair to make him do everything for 3 weeks because that's the same as what he's been doing to you?

I think he will need more time than just a few days to see how bad things really get if they are not cleaned properly etc. I do think - in a non-nasty way - that there's value in someone seeing just how time consuming these things are and if they have never done them, they can't see that.

a couple of days isn't enough really but 3 weeks is probably too much. Sorry, I've lost the plot in terms of his shifts as well.

thing is, the real reason you lost patience is he wasn't contributing equally so I guess it's however long you need to get it across that it's not a 1 person job?

I've got to quote myself from this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2543620-Incompetent-husband-anyone-else?pg=26#

You are being project manager of your family. He doesn't come close to your workload because he doesn't feel the sense of responsability you feel. Project family, i.e. the whole shebang, is all still your responsability and he's just reacting to your lead instead of acting as an independent co-manager. So you're right - the only way forward is to talk and talk so that you're both equally responsable for the family's needs. :)

Btw, I worked nights before and I still picked up my youngest from pre-schoool and cooked dinner on those nights. I never cook now with my day job, I've shirked right out of that. Did more housework back then tbh.