To ask you all how to kick my man's ass into gear.

[missfeelingdown]

My partner basically doesn't do anything around the house or any child care. I'm getting pretty hacked off with it.
I don't even get a lie in over the weekend as he says he wants a lie in because he's been busy working. We don't know how to compromise and he doesn't listen to nagging
Am I BU to want some help?! It shouldn't even be called help its his bloody house to!

What do you do now? Have you told him that it's his house/life/family as well and to get his ass in gear to help? If not I suggest you try that before moving on to more devious means

I've tried everything and nothing works!
I've even tried leaving the dishes for two days and it still didn't make him wash up! Just meant I had more to wash dry and put away.
He hasn't hoovered the living room since July. Has never hoovered upstairs. Never cleaned bathroom.
Washed up last in January. Never put a wash on, never put a wash out. Never makes dinner. The last time I got a 'lie in' was when I was having our baby in 2014!
I'm just getting very sick of it

You're not nagging - it's perfectly reasonable for you to ask him to do his share. Calling it nagging is just a shitty way to silence you.

How sick of it are you? Are you prepared to carry on like this? Because honestly, I don't think men like this change. He sees you doing everything and he just doesn't care. Personally, I couldn't stay with someone so selfish.

There's no point issuing ultimatums you won't keep though, so don't threaten to leave him unless you mean it.

Personally I'd sack him. But if you don't want to do that try not doing his washing/drying/ironing and not cooking for him (perminently, not for 2 days). Buy only enough food for you and the kids. Refuse to socialise with him or share a bed (he won't change the sheets, you don't want to lie on dirty ones).

He has no respect for you, he won't communicate with you other than to belittle you. He thinks it is his right to have everything done for him.

You can issue ultimatums, kick him out of the bed, not clean his clothes or cook his food, but in the end you won't be able to change his attitude, even if you change his actions (unlikely). So I am afraid you have to decide whether you would rather live with the arse he is or if your life would be better without him.

sorry not to be more constructive

I don't think you can teach a grown man to suck eggs. Nor do I think its your job to try to cajole him into doing his share. He is lazy, and doesn't want to contribute to housework and childcare.. Thats that really. I suppose you could try not doing any washing and cooking for him but I can't see that ending well. For how long would the battle go on? & really, would doing that suddenly result in him magically taking up his share of the housework AND maintaining that? No, it won't. If you want to stay with him then its finding a way of putting up with a lazy slob, Im afraid. If he would pay for a cleaner and someone to come in once a week to do the ironing that would be good.

Good luck, tho - Id not be able to stand a man like that, Id be permanently knackered and he and his mess and stress would have to go

It shouldn't even be called help its his bloody house too!

This!! I know he works hard, but you (I assume you are a SAHM?) work even harder, as you are on duty 168 hours a week.

Mind you, with particularly self-centred men that's not even necessarily relevant. I was married to a man who would never give me a lie in even though I worked full time and he hardly at all, because he was tired and he wanted a lie in.

I say "was".

It's great now, because he has DS two nights a week and I can have two lie-ins per week if I like, work permitting. :)

(Obviously not suggesting you LTB...)

There are no tricks or sneaky methods to make someone a decent human being.

I'm sorry.

Have you tried sitting down and talking to him? Explain what the problem is and ask what he suggests you do about it. Our baby is on the way so cant comment on childcare but when we got in a situation where I was doing more house stuff than him we strictly divided the jobs up.

No more sex.

It's hard to work outs what's fair but he definitely isn't being. I think the only way I could deal with it would be adult to adult div up of chores. If you do child care all day then that's your job so outide of his working hours all childcare and house work should be shared equally. Me and partner practical ly take it in turns to do nappies etc in evening. Then we each choose a weekend night to be off Duty while the other is on duty. Off Dury = as much beer as I can stay awake for and a lie in. When baby was tiny the lie in was only till 8am mind then the one who'd been up all night had a good kip! It works for us and is very equal, hope u sort things out you must be knackered! X

That is awful. It does not mean that you stay in the house you are not working. Just because he goes out to work means that he is the only one tired. If I am his wife, I already smack the pan in his head. :D Just kidding.

Tbh if you have tried everything, I don't know what else to suggest.

Dh has always done his fair share round the house and with the kids. Because it's his house and his kids too. I don't think it would occur to him to leave it to me.

We have our own jobs, mainly, he does all the cooking and food shopping. I do the washing and sort the clothes. We base it on what we like doing.

I hate food shopping but don't mind ironing. All the other jobs is down to just whoever has time.

Even when I was on mat leave he never expected it all done.

Unfortunately no one can make you dh not be a knobhead. If you have spoken to him and he isn't doing anymore, he is a knobhead.

You could go down the reward route, but do you really want another child? Because that's essentially what you would be doing, parenting him

He won't change. He fundamentally thinks that you are beneath him. Either accept that and suck it up or ask him to leave.

It doesn't matter what anyone else does. He doesn't respect you.

You only get the behaviour that you are willing to tolerate. Tell him to shape up or ship out.

This website offers a really simple way to assess who is doing the lion's share and might give you somewhere to start?

equallysharedparenting.com/Toolbox.htm

My eldest's dad was like that. Only thing that worked for me was gathering all his belongings, packing them neatly in large black bin bags and chucking them in the garden. Best thing I ever did. Good luck

Explain to him that every single time he does not contribute towards these tasks he is saying to you.

"Fuck you missfeelingdown I have such little regard for you that I am leaving it all to you"

If he carries on then it's not worth carrying on attempting to fix it

what is the point of him ?

you can find a sperm donor online

Nip it in the bud now. I've got into the trap of asking him to 'babysit' his own child and never, ever get a lie in.

He doesn't see mess so doesn't clean either.... But OP I'm afraid he does cook, and beautifully. Some redeeming features right!!