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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect SOME special treatment from Dp because I'm pregnant?

53 replies

Peppatina · 03/03/2016 11:15

I'm torn between wondering if I'm some special snowflake entitled princess or thinking my partner a useless tit.

Grin

I'm 32 weeks pregnant.

Back story: This will (fingers crossed) be our second baby. We have had numerous miscarriages (the number would out me I'm sure) varying between early to much later.

I basically have an abnormality that makes carrying to term difficult, our first child was quite premature.

I've been told to take it easy, no exercise (bar gentle walking/swimming).

What's been bothering me is do seems to be in competition with me?

Any ache or pain I have he either gleefully tells me now I know how he feels (he's a bit older than me but hardly in the knackers yard yet) or ignores what I've just said and starts describing HIS aches and pains.

If I'm ill he just moans about how he's sure he'll catch it next. And God forbid he does, it's a dying fly act for weeks!

If I ask him to help me by hoovering he huffs and puffs and moans.

I asked him to help me by changing our daughter in to her pjs one night (after I'd bathed and sorted her) and the cheeky bugger said he thought I was putting on him 'just' because I'm pregnant!

It's almost like he can't bear to give me any special treatment because he feels he should be getting it.

In the past if I've mentioned about how down I was about the miscarriages he just says 'well I went through it too!' Like I was implying he didn't because I wanted to talk about MY feelings. I know he went through it too, but not physically through the operations, hemorrages (sp?) etc.

On the other hand he does clean up, does the washing and won't let me lift anything heavy.

Is this just hormonal unreasonableness on my part?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 03/03/2016 11:21

No YANBU.

He sounds like a prize...

Confused
CurlyBlueberry · 03/03/2016 11:24

No YANBU. Goodness me you have been TOLD to take it easy due to the risk of prematurity!!

FuzzyOwl · 03/03/2016 11:26

He sounds awful! I think that you are being far more reasonable than I would be in the same situation.

RubyRoseViolet · 03/03/2016 11:29

Oh dear. No, it's not you op. He's behaving like a sulky child which must be very trying indeed.

CaptainWarbeck · 03/03/2016 11:30

Oh dear God no YANBU. He should be rubbing your feet and making you cups of tea and generally making sure you are at least mildly comfortable given that you're carrying a human round inside you (and probably not sleeping brilliantly and peeing all the time).

Tell him to buck up, read this thread and start helping you out!

DragonboysMum · 03/03/2016 11:32

Definitely NBU!

You've been advised by medical professionals to take it easy. What part of that is he not understanding?!

You have my sympathy, I'm 32 weeks too (although none of your problems) and feeling pants Thanks

squoosh · 03/03/2016 11:32

Ugh. Can't stand the competitively ill at the best of times but this takes the biscuit.

He sounds horrible. Have you told him how you feel?

RudeElf · 03/03/2016 11:33

Wow! If my partner was carrying my child and there was the history of loss that you have i wouldnt let them fucking move!! I'd have them on the sofa all day.

Does he actually realise there is real risk here?

squoosh · 03/03/2016 11:33

And the very best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy! Flowers

Jesabel · 03/03/2016 11:34

Sorry to tell you this but none of that is "special treatment" - being kind to you, caring for his own child and cleaning his own house is what normal men do all the time.

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 03/03/2016 11:34

Its a very childish way to behave. Was he super indulged by his parents?

FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 11:40

Yanbu, you really need to take it easy Thanks what a cheek telling you that you're trying it on. Yes you do deserve special treatment!

MrsJorahMormont · 03/03/2016 11:40

I'm not sure why you would want to breed with this man Confused Yes, he does some housework but presumably it's his mess too?

The next time he blethers read him the riot act. Late pregnancy is no fun.

wigglesrock · 03/03/2016 11:41

No YANBU, he sounds like a dick. Does he not do the vacuuming, getting your eldest ready for bed etc anyway regardless of you being pregnant? I know you said he cleans up, does the washing, won't let you lift anything heavy (I mean do you lift many heavy things on a day to day basis?) but everything else is just part and parcel of living together, not attentiveness on a snowflake level. Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well Flowers

DoreenLethal · 03/03/2016 11:41

Whoa - him hoovering is NOT helping you! It is him doing a share of the joint chores within the house HE lives in.

BarbarianMum · 03/03/2016 11:44

No. But you've chosen to have a second child with him so I'm assuming he has some very redeeming characteristics.

PegsPigs · 03/03/2016 11:46

He sounds like a dick.

I was horrendously sick in both my pregnancies and not once did my DH start on about competitive illnesses. I'd you've got a history of miscarriage and premature birth you should be taking it completely easy. Maybe sitting in the bathroom during bathtime but DP actually doing the bathing bit of his child. At 32 weeks I was fat and tired so doing bath time was off my to do list.

Fratelli · 03/03/2016 11:47

He sounds just awful. You and your baby are at risk and all he cares about is himself. That is truly disgusting. Good luck with your pregnancy Flowers

Original poster
Peppatina · 03/03/2016 11:49

Well I started this thread because he was complaining around town this morning that I'm always in a rush when we go out.

( I essentially move toilet to toilet these days)

When I sighed and said I was pretty sure most men understood their partners loo dices he got very defensive and suggested I find someone else.

Feel like such a wimp Blush but instead of saying anything I just went outside the shop to have a little cry. I'm not a shrinking wallflower honest, just very sensitive atm.

😂 At showing him this thread. He hates mumsnet and always moans at me when I've been looking on it. Probably because I can see all the nice things pregnant women's partners are doing for them!

I know I'm not easy to be around at the minute, I'm an anxious mess. But dp said to me this morning that he hoped I understood how hard it was....for HIM I actually laughed.

He didn't use to be like this.

OP posts:
FigMango1 · 03/03/2016 11:50

What changed him?

MrsDeathOfRats · 03/03/2016 11:52

I agree with a pp - what your asking for is NOT special treatment. It's normal, everyday family life.

My dh can be quite similar. And one of our biggest issues we argue about is him 'helping me'...
By doing the washing up - oh, I see so you would be happy with dirty plates and stuff?

By dressing/bathing/feeding the children- they are your kids too. I don't understand why they are my job?

By cleaning/shopping/doing anything - these are not my JOBS so you are not HELPING. Your being a grown up who is partly responsible for the running of this household....

Your husband may well be going through some serious emotional issues surrounding the miscarriages and this pregnancy and he may well be feeling overlooked cos 'pregnancy is all about the woman' but he needs to grow up and see that you are the priority right now. You are carrying his child and you are vulnerable.

I hope he snaps out of this shite after you give birth, he is behaving like an entitled toddler!!

Thanks good luck for the rest of your pregnancy

Original poster
Peppatina · 03/03/2016 11:53

No I've always done dd's bedtime routines.

We got in a vicious cycle of dp not really doing anything for dd for most of her early life...

Oh that's another thing! I had postnatal depression after dd was born, guess who else developed it and 'couldn't' do anything with the baby because he was scared of hurting her.

So was fucking I! But I still had to do it!

I'm getting angrier...not helped by the fact that any confrontation is just likely to end up with me sobbing and probably not be that productive.

OP posts:
BestBeforeDate · 03/03/2016 11:54

You poor thing, you deserve a bit of 'special' treatment, and I expect you are also anxious that everything goes right this time.

Have you spoken to him about this, and about the miscarriages and how they affected you? I know you said he said he went through it too, but have you really spelt it out to him what a physical and mental toll it has taken on your body? Or could your doctor be frank with him and tell him to pull his weight and look after you these last few weeks of the pregnancy? i'm wondering if his behaviour is his way of dealing with his anxiety about the baby (giving him the benefit of the doubt!).

Good luck.

TinyTear · 03/03/2016 11:55

oh dear... wait until the baby is born

you will say you are tired... HE will say he slept even less (even though you were sat up feeding and hearing his snores next to you on the bed...)

any possibilities for separate rooms? you and baby in one and him in another? did help at the start for me (also 2 DC and miscarriage history) and actually training the eldest to go to daddy in the middle of the night if they need help or have a bad dream was great
Grin

to be fair my DH does help a lot especially with the eldest at bedtime, but he does also have a streak of competitiveness... I fell down the stairs with the pram frame on top of me, and he complains about his back... sigh

Original poster
Peppatina · 03/03/2016 11:55

I can't pin point exactly when he changed.

The miscarriages definitely have taken a big toll on him, I've asked him to go to the GP to talk to them about it but he just tells me he will do it later and that I should get off his back.

OP posts:
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