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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect SOME special treatment from Dp because I'm pregnant?

53 replies

Peppatina · 03/03/2016 11:15

I'm torn between wondering if I'm some special snowflake entitled princess or thinking my partner a useless tit.

I'm 32 weeks pregnant.

Back story: This will (fingers crossed) be our second baby. We have had numerous miscarriages (the number would out me I'm sure) varying between early to much later.

I basically have an abnormality that makes carrying to term difficult, our first child was quite premature.

I've been told to take it easy, no exercise (bar gentle walking/swimming).

What's been bothering me is do seems to be in competition with me?

Any ache or pain I have he either gleefully tells me now I know how he feels (he's a bit older than me but hardly in the knackers yard yet) or ignores what I've just said and starts describing HIS aches and pains.

If I'm ill he just moans about how he's sure he'll catch it next. And God forbid he does, it's a dying fly act for weeks!

If I ask him to help me by hoovering he huffs and puffs and moans.

I asked him to help me by changing our daughter in to her pjs one night (after I'd bathed and sorted her) and the cheeky bugger said he thought I was putting on him 'just' because I'm pregnant!

It's almost like he can't bear to give me any special treatment because he feels he should be getting it.

In the past if I've mentioned about how down I was about the miscarriages he just says 'well I went through it too!' Like I was implying he didn't because I wanted to talk about MY feelings. I know he went through it too, but not physically through the operations, hemorrages (sp?) etc.

On the other hand he does clean up, does the washing and won't let me lift anything heavy.

Is this just hormonal unreasonableness on my part?

OP posts:

Original poster

Peppatina · 03/03/2016 11:57

Oh he already does that 😳

I've had trouble sleeping (sciatica on top of everything else!) but NO ONE is more tired that dp who also didn't sleep.

If I wasnt sat up half the night listening to his snoring I might believe him.

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 03/03/2016 12:00

he got very defensive and suggested I find someone else
Your dh has got in ahead of me! So glad your baby is almost with you. In the long run you can reconsider the relationship, just make sure for now you are looking after yourself - make him do things, even if he moans just find a way to shut him out. Tell yourself it doesn't have to be forever. Maybe he will improve and you'll be happy with him; maybe he won't and you can make plans to leave later.

MrsDeathOfRats · 03/03/2016 12:02

Christ, you poor thing!
Just read all your updates and yeah, perhaps he is right about finding someone else.

He definately does need to seek some medical help. It sounds like he resents you and probably holds you a bit responsible for the losses. Which he might not meant to maliciously but feelings are difficult to control and often defy logic.

Like pp said, concentrate on now, do whatever it takes to get through and re think things later

Original poster

Peppatina · 03/03/2016 12:06

MrsDeathOfRats that thought has actually crossed my mind before.

I know it's not actually something I've done on purpose but have worried that as its a 'fault' with me he'd have some resentments.

Agreed, I'm just concentrating on dd and soon to be ds at the minute.

Very glad to know it wasn't just me being 'precious' though.

OP posts:

MartinaJ · 03/03/2016 12:07

What's the age difference between the both of you? It's because when you are describing the dynamics in your relationship, it sounds more like a petulant child and a strict Daddy. If that's how your conversations are going when you are telling him about your pains and asking him for help, I can understand why he feels like he has the top hand.
YANBU for expecting him to do more. He behaves like a whingy arsehole and if he doesn't like Mumsnet, he can go and take a hike. He's not your father to tell you what you need to like or not and right now you get more support and here than from him.

DoreenLethal · 03/03/2016 12:15

'DP I think you are right - I should get someone else. You pretend to be ill, you won't do your chores in the house, you pretended to have post natal depression for fuck sake and now you can't even allow me to rush to the toilet even though I have a 6 pound weight on my bladder. Which when looked at all together makes you look like a cunt; and add that to your competitive tiredness when I have sat all night listening to you snore makes me think actually - yes. Fuckity bye. Shall I help you pack or is that going to be too hard going for you as well in which case, boo hoo.'

ohtheholidays · 03/03/2016 12:19

Oh God he sounds like such a treat!

Honestly OP I wouldn't be able to stand it!

When we lost what would have been our 6th DC my DH was amazing,I was a real mess for months afterwards and he was devestated as much as I was but he was amazing in the way he looked after me and our 5DC.

I'm now seriously ill and disabled and there's no way my DH would be trying to compete over who is feeling worse.All he ever worries about is making sure I don't try and do to much and being able to manage my pain.

Valentine2 · 03/03/2016 12:21

That's a cheeky bugger you got there. Slap him back to reality if you can. And good luck with the new baby.

wibblywobbler · 03/03/2016 12:25

I commend you for your patience OP, I have no idea how you put up with him

Keep focussing on yourself and your, soon to be, two children and then maybe consider what your options are going forward

expatinscotland · 03/03/2016 12:29

I'm with your DP here, I'd find someone else, too. In fact, I think I'd rather be alone than with someone like this. I'm always amazed at people who procreate more than once with a parent who shows him/herself up to a be total twat after the first one, but then, I can see if it you really want two and time's not on your side, etc. and it's a moot point by now.

I'd tell him yes, he's right, it's time to find someone else and mean it. Tell him I'm sick of his competitive, point scoring bollocks

It's not 'helping' you to parent his own kid. He has health problems or psychological problems, he needs to sort them out. He's an adult.

Doreen has nailed it.

multivac · 03/03/2016 12:36

Is it at all possible that he is terrified? And trying to bury it with blustery 'everything's perfectly normal' stuff?

Realfootyfan · 03/03/2016 12:36

OP your dh is being unreasonable, definitely. I wonder if you generally find it difficult to assert yourself. I have been like that and allowed my dh to get away with murder do very little when the children were small, somehow believing that he'd suddenly get the message. I am tons more assertive these days, making it really clear what I expect from him, spelling out what I can do and what I need help with. My mil did all the practical stuff for dh (thx a lot mil!!!). He had to be taught that we share the load - one person can't do it all - even if they're a SAHM or work part time. Especially, like you, if you're heavily pregnant. First stage is to not feel bad/guilted into doing everything (sounds like that's his key tactic). He's being manipulative and you can call him out for this.

DoreenLethal · 03/03/2016 12:38

Terrified of the OP going to the toilet?

multivac · 03/03/2016 12:39

Terrified of losing another baby. Sorry if that wasn't clear.

Iamthinking · 03/03/2016 12:39

I would suggest he goes to a supermarket and picks up a 2KG bag of potatoes (at least), straps it round his middle for 24 hours, and then see who is more knackered. Jeesus!

Now you know how he feels with his aches and pains...ffs...he doesn't know he is born.

Jux · 03/03/2016 12:49

He sounds very like my dh. So much competitive pain, competitive tiredness, competitive anxiety, you name it, dh has it worse. This will be the rest of your life. Take it from one who knows.

expatinscotland · 03/03/2016 12:54

I wouldn't bother speculating as to why he is behaving like a dick. He is and he is in control of his behaviour, not you. Focus on you.

multivac · 03/03/2016 13:15

Why on earth wouldn't someone try and identify why someone with whom they are in a relationship - with whom they have one child already and are expecting another, and about whom they presumably cared a great deal, at least at some point - is behaving like a dick?

Perhaps he just is a dick.

But fear is a great driver of behaviour, and especially, of crappy behaviour.

Doesn't make it an excuse. Doesn't change the impact of the crappy behaviour. But personally, I'd rather hear that my partner was afraid, than a total waste of my time, energy and love.

Original poster

Peppatina · 03/03/2016 14:33

Jux what a terrifying thought!!!

Any ideas on what the best way to deal for it now is?

Ignore or say 'Aww diddums'?

I'm not sure if it's the hormones but he's just wondered in sniffing (from a cold that was over two weeks ago) and complaining about being in the wars after having a little nap.

I wanted to throw the raw mince I was handling at him.

OP posts:

TooMuchOfEverything · 03/03/2016 14:41

Of course he is terrified but so is the OP and she is rather more important! He needs to man up.

I think you need 'Operation Get The Family Well'. Keep a family HEALTH
DIARY.

I'm thinking you need to be like Phoebe in friends. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME that he moans, whip out the book and a large pen and write EVERYTHING down, ask him questions about how much it hurts on a scale of 1-10, what painkillers has he taken, what time did he go to bed, when did he get up. When was his last poo? What number on the Bristol Chart? To see if there is a pattern/connection between things.

KatharinaRosalie · 03/03/2016 14:50

You have been told to take it easy and he moans and whines about taking care of his own child and hoovering his own house?

I had normal pregnancies, but if I had wanted to lay on the sofa for 9 months, DH would have been happy to let me.

multivac · 03/03/2016 14:50

sighs

Yes, I understand that. Still, I'm not quite getting how dozens of mumsnetters excitedly telling her that her partner and the father of her children is an utter twunt, that she should kick him out and find someone new, and that no way would they put up with his crap the way that she does, is particularly helpful for the OP right now.

Maybe I'm missing something.

Iamthinking · 03/03/2016 15:14

Multivac makes a good point, I think. You are nearly at the finishing line, you don't need aggro at this point. You just need to focus on getting through the next few weeks safely.

OP, how I have dealt with this in my own relationship is by piss taking. But you may be too far down the line for this, or it might not be the type of person you are.

But when dp was sick when I had morning sickness, I laughed and made lots of jokes (that I thought were genuinely funny) at his expense to make him see the ridiculousness. He got it. When he said 'actually honey, I think my back is starting to hurt too" when I was heavily pregnant, I again made it a joke. That helped, it diffused things and got my point across.

I don't know how practical it is for you though. You may not have the energy nor enthusiasm, and he may bite back.

But can you scale back your duties further....I mean why are you vacuuming at all? You really should do zilch - do you have to lift your dd out of the bath? That shouldn't be happening either.

MintyBojingles · 03/03/2016 15:59

I'd personally go with the aww diddums response, but that's cos I know it would annoy DH enough that he'd stop and think.

You definitely aren't being precious, but like others I do wonder if he actually needs some help and support work, especially if he hasn't always been like this. maybe in time you could suggest couples counselling?

Kiwiinkits · 03/03/2016 16:00

I really love the family health diary idea. Sounds like it will nip any whinging in the bud!
Otherwise get your GP to phone him. Or his mother, if you think she'd be on your side about it.

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