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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think XDH can f right off?

78 replies

foffx · 02/03/2016 18:33

So he ends things, decides he wants no more children (I did, desperately - back story of years of infertility resulting in DS3) we were talking of TTC for the last 2 years.

Now XDH (mainly still X because he's ended my chance at another child and I can't get over that. If I could it's possible we could resolve things) decides he's going to quit his job and be DS primary carer "so you can go back to work"

Sorry but I thought when we were married we agreed to me being a SAHM till DS (and any future DC) went to school plus I couldn't hope to earn anywhere near what he does

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hamsterpotty · 02/03/2016 19:47

I think 9 years along this road was ample time to have realised that before now

You only had your DS three years ago, so the realisation has probably come to him some time in the last three years.

ILoveACornishPasty · 02/03/2016 19:53

Previous poster is correct, if you pay him for childcare he will need to register as such and will be subject to inspection, must adhere to curriculum outcomes etc. etc. Paid to look after his own child?? Amazing. Maybe he could write to Comedy Central and get his own show as a source of income?

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 02/03/2016 19:58

shiny has it right I'd say. Important right now to be clever.

The only thing I'd do different to her advice is say to him "it is important that we provide consistency for ds during this stressful period. Therefore I should continue to be primary carer as I always have been. I don't think that you leaving your job is in his best interests."

Lurkedforever1 · 02/03/2016 20:09

His earning capacity being greater or the plan for you to be a sahm is irrelevant, you aren't a couple anymore.

He's bu to expect you to support him being a sahd, however you are bu to expect him to support you to be a sahm. Either way you'll need to find a job to support yourself soon.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 02/03/2016 20:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 02/03/2016 20:16

Definitely don't allow him to have 50/50

Don't 'allow' him Hmm

The DC isn't a possession. They are just as much the exH as they are the OP.

Shutthatdoor · 02/03/2016 20:16

He's bu to expect you to support him being a sahd, however you are bu to expect him to support you to be a sahm. Either way you'll need to find a job to support yourself soon.

This ^

Quokka12 · 02/03/2016 20:24

Did you ever love each other? I am one of four siblings - my husband one of three. When we got together and married we talked about having a big family. Currently we have an only - not necessarily my choice but discussed within our relationship about choices etc.

Realise you can't give a relationship context in a post but it does come across as you have decided that your wish for more children beats his experience of having one, how you manage as a parental unit and the impact on your child of splitting up and then adding a blended family.

Seems pretty selfish in the abstract.

magoria · 02/03/2016 20:34

Well maintenance is based on the number of nights each parent has DC isn't it?

So as he seems to be planning on not having him any nights you will owe him no maintenance.

Once you are divorced it is not your responsibility to support him. All he would be entitled to is the % of your income deemed by the (was CSA) to be necessary less any over nights you have him...

Just like if you divorce he is no longer responsible to support you, just pay you x maintenance for your DC.

So tell him to go for giving up his job. You will not be paying him.

Kr1stina · 02/03/2016 20:37

These boards are full of divorcing couples where the father has done very little for his kids while they were married. But when they seperate, suddenly he wants 50:50.

Why is this? Because he feels guilty about being a crap father all his life and is heartbroken at the thought of seeing them less ?

Like hell it is. It's because he don't want to pay any maintenance for his kids.

That's what this is about . Your ex resents having to give any of his cash to you for his child. So unless you toe the line , he's threatening to quit work so he wont have to pay his son anything . AND YOU will get to see your son less.

Double whammy . He must have been up all night thinking up that clever plan .

Shame for him he's so stupid he didn't think it all the way through . What an arse

Flisspaps · 02/03/2016 20:42

For those saying he'd have to be registered to be paid for looking after his own child, you do not need to be registered to look after a blood relative in your own home (childminder setup)

I can find nothing relating to being paid to look after your own child in their home (ie not your home, as in the case of OP's XH - nanny setup) but I would suspect that registration wouldn't be necessary and XH would find that out quite easily - if OP uses that as a reason to say no then he might be able to come back and argue the point.

MrsLindor · 02/03/2016 20:49

I think you've said you're separated rather than divorced, so presumably you haven't agreed on the split of assets, house equity, savings, pensions etc. yet. It sounds like he's still paying the mortgage and other bills, that's not going to continue long term. How are you going to support yourself post divorce?

Hamsterpotty · 02/03/2016 20:56

Like hell it is. It's because he don't want to pay any maintenance for his kids.

They are paying for the children. They may not pay maintenance to the ex but they pay all the costs related to having DC living with them half of the time.

That's what this is about . Your ex resents having to give any of his cash to you for his child. So unless you toe the line , he's threatening to quit work so he wont have to pay his son anything . AND YOU will get to see your son less.

Why should the ex see their son less?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 02/03/2016 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 02/03/2016 21:03

Children have a father too, and believe it or not, the majority of fathers love their children just as much as mothers do, and are just as heartbroken as mothers at the thought of hardly seeing them.

A good point often forgotten.

Original poster
foffx · 02/03/2016 21:04

I'm trying to figure out how to support myself post divorce. I honestly don't know. He pays substantial maintenance due to his higher income which has been covering the bills.

This has come as one big car crash. Iv buried my head in the sand financially tbh. I need to find a job and fast, but even the full time jobs I could find - will not pay the bills I don't think without some maintenance coming in. And I have to give up my studies.

OP posts:
MrsLindor · 02/03/2016 21:13

Have you taken legal advice on what's a reasonable way to split your assets? Do you know how much your house is worth, and what equity you have. Presumably you aren't in a position to buy your ex out of his share, so how will you stay in your home? what benefits could you be entitled to? Can you get help with childcare costs?

There are so many questions, I'm afraid it's time to get your head out of the sand.

YANBU to tell him to take his proposal and shove it where the sun doesn't shine, but you need a plan of your own.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 02/03/2016 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lurkedforever1 · 02/03/2016 21:18

Of course he should still be paying a fair amount of maintenance, which if he's a proper dad won't stop till your ds is independent. But the maintenance is for supporting your ds, not so you can pay all the bills and support your ds without any income of your own. If he's happy doing that and has the income, then all well and good, however I get the impression he's not.

Even if you don't earn as much, even on nmw you'd be earning enough to support yourself and then his contribution would be going just on your ds, rather than on you both iyswim?

And if you work pt no need to give up your studies.

Kr1stina · 02/03/2016 21:30

No one is denying men have feelings . If the OPs husband was doing 50% of the childcare before divorce , I'd expect him to want it afterwards .

But I'm not sure that whats happened here . I think She's the one who took maternity leave and has compromised her career to be the Main carer. Or have I got it wrong ? Did her husband built his well paid career part time while doing half of the housework and childcare ?

MrsLindor · 02/03/2016 21:38

This is quite common, the threat of giving up work, having the dc 50% of the time, it's all about money and handing over as little as possible. The fact that the child needs to be housed, clothed, fed and cared for during that time is briefly forgotten.

I was told that he needed 50% of the house equity because he needed to provide a home for DD, he now sees her twice a month on average for less than 2 hours at a time. He got 30% of the equity and deserved 0%.

Hamsterpotty · 02/03/2016 21:42

No one is denying men have feelings . If the OPs husband was doing 50% of the childcare before divorce , I'd expect him to want it afterwards.

He supported the family with his income while she was a SAHM. This is what they decided worked best for them as a family.

But now they're no longer a family and he no longer sees their son every day, why shouldn't he want as much contact as is fair and possible?

MrsLindor · 02/03/2016 21:46

He's getting plenty of access, according to the OP, I strongly suspect this is about money and not access. He's probably thinking about moving out of his parents house and wondering how he's going to afford rent/mortgage.

Hamsterpotty · 02/03/2016 21:53

MrsLindor Oh I agree that his 'plan' is ridiculous. But I think some of the things Kr1stina has said are equally as ridiculous.

DontCareHowIWantItNow · 02/03/2016 21:56

He's getting plenty of access, according to the OP

Maybe his idea of 'plenty of access' is different to the OP.

The OP is going to have to dig her head out of the sand and look at financials.

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