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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think XDH can f right off?

78 replies

foffx · 02/03/2016 18:33

So he ends things, decides he wants no more children (I did, desperately - back story of years of infertility resulting in DS3) we were talking of TTC for the last 2 years.

Now XDH (mainly still X because he's ended my chance at another child and I can't get over that. If I could it's possible we could resolve things) decides he's going to quit his job and be DS primary carer "so you can go back to work"

Sorry but I thought when we were married we agreed to me being a SAHM till DS (and any future DC) went to school plus I couldn't hope to earn anywhere near what he does

AIBU?

OP posts:
merseyside · 02/03/2016 19:12

It doesn't matter OP, you're muddying the waters again.

He pays maintenance and he gets reasonable access. End of discussion.

Don't get distracted by his crap. Your son lives with you and you choose child care if you need it. Your possibilities are:

Exh pays you enough maintenance not to work = no childcare cost

Exh doesn't pay you enough not to work = you look for a job and you look for a childcare option that suits you.

In both these scenarios, the exh gets to fuck right off, live with his parents and do what the fuck he likes, as long as he pays the maintenance.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 02/03/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 02/03/2016 19:14

So he's not talking about him having DS live with him full time. He actually wants you to pay him a real salary to be a nanny?

Theoretician · 02/03/2016 19:17

So he's asking her for as close as possible what she originally expected from him? To allow him to be a SAHP supported by her working?

I wonder if he's trying to make a point. Does she expect him carry on working and support her?

Or maybe he's just trying to get a favourable settlement, by maximising her earnings and minimising his, while things are being settled.

nam207 · 02/03/2016 19:19

He's being ridiculous. If DS lived with him he'd be eligible for income support and could stay home and look after him but DS lives with you and you wouldn't be eligible for any childcare element of the tax credits if DS is looked after by a family member.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/03/2016 19:19

It's likely it was said in anger or maybe he feels you have had three years where he has effectively paid all your costs whilst you had 24/7 with your son whilst he works and wants the same now.

He was right to say no to more children if he didn't want them. Nobody should be forced into oarenthood if it's not something they desire and they definately shouldn't do it just to keep a partner.

You can have as many children as you like, he's not stopping you.

mummytippy · 02/03/2016 19:20

I think you've answered your own question as it sounds like naturally there's lots of resentment towards your ex. What he is suggesting sounds like it's coming off the back of that he is jealous of you being at home with your DC. Surely you want to cherish every moment with your DC so why would you want to agree to his proposal and pay him to do the real job you enjoy?

Allalonenow · 02/03/2016 19:20

Send him a postcard, "Fuck off! Rude letter to follow."
Then start divorce prceedings.

Original poster
foffx · 02/03/2016 19:21

And anyone is allowed to change their minds about children, surely people would rather their DP/H be honest than keep it a secret and bring a child they don't want into this world just to please you? 

I'd feel more rationally about this if it wasn't my last chance, (fertility and age) and I could mentally cope better about this area.

Hence it being a deal breaker. It's not something that wasn't discussed at length plus months of counselling.

OP posts:
SanityClause · 02/03/2016 19:24

I know someone who, during his divorce, threatened to give up his job, so his ex wife wouldn't get as much. The judge was very down on it, and threatened to take his potential future earnings out of his capital. You need to get started on divorce proceedings, as soon as possible, to protect your position.

Original poster
foffx · 02/03/2016 19:25

You can have as many children as you like, he's not stopping you.

I wish that was true. It's not. I trusted him with it.

But yes, I guess he wants to swap places. Only I can't fill his boots career wise. And I didn't make this choice

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 02/03/2016 19:26

I think he is just trying to wind you up, obviously someone who can only bring home a supermarket checkout wage can't afford a full time nanny! Smile and nod and then talk hours and rates, so normal hourly childminder fee for an hour on Monday and then 2 hours on Tuesday to coincide with pre school drop off times.... Etc etc ...... I'd imagine he'll A) be annoyed you aren't getting as cross as he had hoped, B) realise he'll be living on £50 a week C) get bored and drop the subject

Inertia · 02/03/2016 19:26

You need to proceed based on the current situation, not his threats. If he gives up his well-paid job then that's his lookout, but it doesn't mean you are obliged to employ him as a nanny - how would that even work?

bimandbam · 02/03/2016 19:26

Erm children aren't time shares. Every other weekend is the standard as it is deemed to be in the best interest of the child. Equal amount of quality time with each parent and 1 home to go to school from.

Definitely don't allow him to have 50/50 and definitely don't allow him to become primary carer in the family home. In your situation until the divorce is finalised I would be looking for a part time job around the 15 hours your DS will get. And tell your ex specific contact times.

SuperLoveFuzz · 02/03/2016 19:28

I am actually laughing at how ridiculous he is. He wants you to work full time, have your child full time (other than when you're working) AND pay him maintenance for the privilege??

ElderlyKoreanLady · 02/03/2016 19:30

He doesn't get to decide to swap places now. That was a decision that was beneficial to you as a couple while you were a couple. You're no longer in a relationship. You're two separate people leading separate lives who happen to parent the same child. He doesn't get to say that you'll now be working to support the 3 of you while he looks after DS.

Decide what you want to do with your life and go from there.

VimFuego101 · 02/03/2016 19:32

Sounds like a feeble attempt to get residency of your DS to me. If I had spare time on my hands I would ask for a copy of his CV and his childcare qualifications and conduct a formal interview, then tell him he doesn't have the necessary experience Grin

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 02/03/2016 19:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
foffx · 02/03/2016 19:36

Well it's a relief I'm not actually being U in how furious I am over this

I am possibly U over being mad at him for deciding he doesn't want more children but I think 9 years along this road was ample time to have realised that before now

It's a bloody joke.

OP posts:
BlueJug · 02/03/2016 19:37

AutumnLeaves had it pretty much in the first post. As I understand it you, as a couple, tried for several years to have more children. It was a stressful period, you were even considering adoption. I imagine it was very difficult. Maybe it all got too much and became about the potential child not about you as a couple. - Not unusual. And he felt the relationship was over.

It doesn't make him a bad person. Now he wants to spend time with the child he has and wants you to split the costs. I'd expect joint custody and joint payments.

Hard for you but fair. Think about what is best for your son.

Atthebottomofthegarden · 02/03/2016 19:40

Fofxx how are you planning to support yourself? I think he is basically telling you he is not planning to...

Hamsterpotty · 02/03/2016 19:43

Definitely don't allow him to have 50/50

Why not?

Marilynsbigsister · 02/03/2016 19:45

I feel very sorry for you OP. I think he has behaved appallingly. I took 5 yrs and a lot of heartache to conceive my first. I know about infertility, it can drive you to the edge (and sometimes over) madness. - you spend your whole adolescents desperately avoiding pregnancy, only to discover it wasn't going to happen anyway !! Then amazingly, you grow this human in your body... Wow amazing... You want to do it again... I understand. Now he doesn't despite telling you everything to the contrary. .. That's pure evil.

For me, I would tell him to F off. Continue with the adoption process, just count him out. Make sure you know he is not required. - you would like him on board but as he can't agree, then to piss off.

After that, OP, you need to get a job. There is no way you should be able to live the 'dream' and expect him to support you doing it. Maybe he wants to. You need to get into joint parenting if you are split. Both work part time, both have equal childcare responsibilities. Nothing else is fair.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/03/2016 19:46

But you did make the choice. You don't want him as he didn't give in to your wishes. You decided he wasn't good enough as he wouldn't father any more children. Your wants don't over rule his. You wants do mean your son won't have his parents together and that as he didn't back down he now no longer has the option of living with his own child.

shinynewusername · 02/03/2016 19:47

I know someone who, during his divorce, threatened to give up his job, so his ex wife wouldn't get as much. The judge was very down on it, and threatened to take his potential future earnings out of his capital

No one can be compelled to work (though you can have benefits removed if you won't). It is a breach of Article 4 of the HRA. Judges have some powers to recover money from someone who is intentionally withholding money, by whatever means, in a divorce but they cannot compel an individual to work.

In the OP's case, I would proceed cautiously. Her ex's next move may be to quit his job, as it sounds as if his overheads are low. She could then end up having to get a low paid job to compensate for little or no maintenance. The OP should avoid telling her Ex to FO, especially in writing (including texts, What's app etc). He may be trying to set her up so he can paint her as the unreasonable one.

OP, say nothing to your Ex other than 'I'll think about it' and speak to a lawyer.

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