To take my baby to a conference

[LovelyBranches]

I work for a company that will be holding a conference in a couple of months. It's 4-5 hours away and will be from Monday afternoon to Thursday 5pm.

I have a 16 month old who is a terrible sleeper. Has never slept through, relies on me breastfeeding to sleep and has never let my DH put him to bed, he just stays up screaming. Dh is so gentle and calm with him but DS wont accept anything other than me. I've never left him overnight and am really daunted by the thought of leaving for 4 days and realistically, 4 nights. He currently goes to nursery for a few days a week and I look after him at home for the other days.

The conference is in a nice seaside town and my DM has offered to come to the conference with me and DS and she would look after him in the day and I could look after him in the evening. She would stay in my hotel room with me and DS and would use the opportunity as a chance of a break as she hasn't got any holidays booked this year.

The hotel I would have to stay in would also be hosting lots of my colleagues who often go out for meals and drinks together and use it as a massive social opportunity. Obviously I would miss all of this but I'm really not bothered as I'm big a big drinker.

So the options available are;

1. Ds stays at home, goes to nursery everyday (until late as DH works long hours). I wont see DS and he will have a completely different routine to normal. I am 4-5 hours away. This option makes me feel anxious and will certainly stop me being able to breastfeed (which isn't essential at this age, but I would work with DS to wean him off rather than have this decision made for us).

1. I go to the conference, take DS and DM on a very long journey. I don't participate in staff evening activities and maybe alienate myself from colleagues. Dh misses out on seeing DS for a week.

What would you do?

I'd go to the conference alone. I had a similar situation when DD was 10 months old. My being away for the week gave DH the chance to get his own routines established. DC knew having me wasn't an option so they all got on fine. TBH it gave me chance to stop breastfeeding too. I'd had enough by then but DD wasn't accepting that! Things were much better on my return.

Maintaining normal contact and routine with a baby is not "holding back it's development." What tosh. Some babies want to be with their mothers and some mothers want to be with their babies. So if op wants to be with her baby and her mum is on hand to help, there's absolutely find and nothing wrong with it whatsoever.

You could use it as an opportunity for your DH and DS to work out between themselves how to be able to get along without you, because it is really important they do so soon.

Leave him with DH, for sure. It must be hard for him too feeling that he's surplus to requirements...your child is not a tiny baby any more. this will help him to step up and step in.

I took DD to a confernece when she was 6wks. Mum came with me, took her off whilst I went to presentations/ lectures and she brought her back when she needed to be BF.

Worked really well, I got to go tothe important bits, DM got to spend some time with her first grandchild and no-one at the conference gave a toss.

Before leaving your ds with your DH, I would check that your DH doesn't have an extremely heavy week that week, and maybe can have a late start of the day.

If you haven't managed to have a better routine not involving you and your ds takes hours to go to sleep in the evening, your DH might need that!

I thought this thread was going to be along the lines of "my teen is extremely clever and wants to work in my field, would going to a conference help her UCAS application? ".

I went to a three day conference when DS was 7m and mixed fed. I thought about taking him but for us it would have been selfish and about me missing him. He had a lovely time in nursery as usual and with daddy and grandma. I had a lovely time without him. I think it would be a big ask to entertain a toddler for 4 days in a hotel room with limited stuff. I'd definitely look at having a suite if you're going to take him.

You have had lots of messages and advice, but just to add, I breastfed DS2 until he was 4 and went away several times for up to a week.

Each time I expected it be the end but it wasn't. By that age you won't even need to express either.

Have you thought about nightweaning? We did this for my sanity around 14-16 months. DS had been a terrible reflux baby and had never slept through the night before that.

There's a thread about it here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/breast_and_bottle_feeding/968863-Night-weaning-using-Dr-Jay-Gordon-39-s-method-anyone

and advice here: drjaygordon.com/attachment/sleeppattern.html

Why not give nightweaning a try and then make a decision about if you can leave DS?

Work aside, I would hate to be your mum trying to entertain a toddler in a hotel with limited toys and potentially bad weather - not a holiday at all!

I sympathise as I have a 9mo who will not be settled by his dad unless he goes out in the pram! If you still have a couple of months I would use this time to leave DH to it and see if it can be done. You will appreciate the break if you can leave him with your dh.

Thank you so much for your replies. There's certainly a lot for me to think about here. I am lucky that my DM wants to be very involved and that I have that option available to me but if I do decide to go with the option of taking DS and DM I'll certainly look into additional childcare so that my DM could have a break.

I wish it was as easy to get DS to settle. Ds adores Dh but even as the tiniest babe in arms would never settle for him. It doesn't help that DH is out early in the weekday morning and returns about 8pm for three days of the working week and is out 8-6 the other two days. The week of the conference will also be a very busy time of year for DH so he will rely heavily on our nursery to have ds as late as they will possibly allow.

Thank you to those who have posted threads about nightfeeding. This isn't a situation I'd planned on being in. Ds had always made it crystal clear what he wants and when it's 4am, you have to get up in two hours and DS didn't settle until 2am, you lose willpower and just give in.

If I were in your position (my 13 month old is also a bad sleeper/ I have never left him over night) I would take him and dm with me.

Frazzled. The first time I went out for a meal with friends DS woke up and was hysterical that DH ended up taking him out in his pram in his snowsuit. He said he felt awful, even though he was wrapped up. It was the middle of December and Dh just wanted me to have a couple of hours to myself.

Totally agree that of course at 4am it's easier to give in, everyone has been there.

But at this stage (speaking from experience) if your DS is not sleeping through it could be another few years before he does.

It's your decision whether right now it would be harder to have a couple of weeks (it could take that long) of tantrums at 4am and then a full day at work or whether you prefer to bite the bullet and break the habit.

Good luck either way!

I'd take him with me but I'd get my mum her own room in the hotel so that she can get a good night's sleep if the baby wakes up a lot. Is there a pool in the hotel? Would there be times when your mum could go for a swim or a walk or something when you could have the baby?

It doesn't sound as though it would be a good week for your husband to be at home with the baby.

My ds (22mo) is/was similar. Complete bottle refuser. We managed to wean off bf to sleep at 14mo. It took one night of him crying while i sat with him in my bed and stroked his back. 2nd night was less crying and he got the new routine. 3rd night he settled with a bath, story and cuddle to sleep. We kept the falling asleep in our bed and transferring him to cot for a month or so. Then we moved onto settling in cot. So bath, story and stroking to sleep in cot. He settled fine. Within half hour. The gradual gentle approach worked for us. If i tried leaving him, he would scream until he was actually sick. Dh could not settle him either. Dh occaisonally tried to settle him on and off but ds only allowed it at 18mo. You could try this gradual approach in the next 2months. With ds. Routine is key. He takes 3-4days to accept a change in routine. He also started regularly sleeping through the night at 18mo. Yeh you could just leave him with your dh to cope. But i couldnt stand for my child to be upset for no reason. He is a very sociable and on rrack developmentally.
If you decide to leave ds at home, perhaps your dm could stay with your dh?

Id go and take DS and DM or DH. Totally understand the difficulty in getting a breastfed child to sleep without mum. Do whatever makes you and DS happy.

Give your husband a chance to work on settling your son. Taking your child with you on the conference is not fair on anyone involved. Ultimately it will be better for your child if he learns to settle for both of his parents.

Also, don't quite understand why you'd be twiddling your thumbs between sessions rather than networking? After all that's a big aspect of going to conferences.

It seems like you've made your mind up

I think you keep telling yourself DH can't do it and DS only wants you. For a whole 16 months you've given in. This is the perfect opportunity to break the habit.

(If you don't believe it'll work then it isn't going to be easy for them!!)

I've done this twice in the last year. In the UK and US. I couldn't have gone to the conferences otherwise (similar reasons). So it was the difference between missing a few evening networking drinking sessions and not going at all.
My DH came with me. They had all sorts of fun during the day, exploring new places and we bolted on some annual leave afterwards.
I think it's harsh to judge OP on this. Not all family dynamics are the same.
Follow your instinct.

LovelyBranches have been there with the screaming, terrible sleeper who only wants Mummy - DS is 23 months and tbh still not much better, though I night-weaned at 12 months. I have been away on 2 conferences since then, once for 4 nights and once for 2 nights, leaving him with DH. Both times it was fine (we did and do continue to try having him settle for DH at home when I am around sometimes, though). I would leave him with DH - I don't fully buy into the 'he needs to learn' line but it will be a huge relief to you if you know he can do it (and you will become more tolerant of some screaming!) but also because after so much broken sleep you will really benefit from the uninterrupted nights.

I suspect if you left ds with dh, night one would be awful, night two not quite so bad and by night 3 he might even sleep through. No guarantee obviously but I think it would be worth a try. You say D's was hysterical for 2 hours before you came back, so he learns that if he crys for long enough, he gets his breastfeed. 3 nights could totally break that cycle and help the bond with dh.

If there is no option of you coming back, then they will just get one with it and be fine. As long as you think your dh is up to dealing with 1 or 2 difficult nights, and won't call you at 1am begging you to come home. That wouldn't help anyone.

If it were a small baby then I'd be all for taking them with you but at 18 months he not dependant on milk to survive and would actually benefit from better quality sleeping if he could learn to sleep through. You would benefit too!

Even if it didn't work to help him sleep, you'd have had 3 nights of quality uninterrupted sleep which would do you the world of good as well!

It's actually only three nights, isn't it?

Would an option be for your mum to collect from nursery & stay until your husband gets in?

Yes, good idea to have your mum stay at your home to help DH. We have done this before when I've been in hospital. I do think it's easier when lo are in their own environment and routine. It would depend how Dh felt as well.