To take my baby to a conference

[LovelyBranches]

I work for a company that will be holding a conference in a couple of months. It's 4-5 hours away and will be from Monday afternoon to Thursday 5pm.

I have a 16 month old who is a terrible sleeper. Has never slept through, relies on me breastfeeding to sleep and has never let my DH put him to bed, he just stays up screaming. Dh is so gentle and calm with him but DS wont accept anything other than me. I've never left him overnight and am really daunted by the thought of leaving for 4 days and realistically, 4 nights. He currently goes to nursery for a few days a week and I look after him at home for the other days.

The conference is in a nice seaside town and my DM has offered to come to the conference with me and DS and she would look after him in the day and I could look after him in the evening. She would stay in my hotel room with me and DS and would use the opportunity as a chance of a break as she hasn't got any holidays booked this year.

The hotel I would have to stay in would also be hosting lots of my colleagues who often go out for meals and drinks together and use it as a massive social opportunity. Obviously I would miss all of this but I'm really not bothered as I'm big a big drinker.

So the options available are;

1. Ds stays at home, goes to nursery everyday (until late as DH works long hours). I wont see DS and he will have a completely different routine to normal. I am 4-5 hours away. This option makes me feel anxious and will certainly stop me being able to breastfeed (which isn't essential at this age, but I would work with DS to wean him off rather than have this decision made for us).

1. I go to the conference, take DS and DM on a very long journey. I don't participate in staff evening activities and maybe alienate myself from colleagues. Dh misses out on seeing DS for a week.

What would you do?

[poocatcherchampion]

I have done this.

I tool my 9mo and 2yo (both bf) and my dh who took AL.

We paid the difference between the room and a suite - work paid for the room and obv dh and children paid for meals separately. It was great fun and I work with children so everyone loves kids which helps!

It was no sweat at all. I went to the evening dos but left before the drinking started.

[BikeRunSki]

How about Option 3 - your mum goes to stay at your house and helps DP eith DS?

[Lovemylittlebears]

Take him if it makes you feel better :) wish my mum would offer to bring my little ones sling when I work away. That's lovely of her x

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

OP how does your husband feel about your son being away? If he's completely OK then I'd go with option 2.

If your husband is ok with settling your son himself/would miss him too much and doesn't want him to stay away then I'd say option 1. This could be a great opportunity for your husband to establish a situation whereby he can settle your son.

I think your husbands view / input to the decision is vital here to making the right call.

[grumpysquash]

Honestly? Either go and participate fully or don't go. A halfway house won't work well for anyone.
Plus there is a risk of it all being viewed negatively by senior people in your company and could contribute to 'mummy career death'

You have several weeks to establish a new routine for your LO

There are a lot of conferences in my line of work and it is (sort of) acceptable to take babes in arms (as long as they are kept out of hearing range), but toddlers would be a definite no-no. It costs a lot to send someone on a conference and IME is viewed dimly if you don't do the evening parts.

[5madthings]

I would take ds but check.out stuff for them to do in the daytime.

It's very easy to say oh just leave toddler they will be fine but I have also bfed tiddler who would not settle for dad at bedtime, and dh is hands on does everything but ds2 and dd both went through phases of not settling for dh to go to sleep. Annoying but it was something we moved on from gently.

If dh is going to be working long hours he may end up knackered dealing with non sleeping ds as well, so no fun for either of them. This way your dh gets a bit of a break as well.

If your mum is def happy to do it then it will be nice for her to have the time with ds just make sure she gets some time off as well.

[SoThatHappened]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2582634-To-think-my-baby-doesnt-love-me-as-much

Interesting reading.

At 16 months. it really isnt fair on the child either to have that much anxiety and not being able to sleep without a breast feed.

[5madthings]

Btw if you do it doesn't necessarily mean the end of bfeeding, it's likely at this age thst your ds may do without it for a few days and will then continue to nurse on your return, the issue is more how happy ds would be, some toddlers you can gp away they are fine without nursing and just resume on return. My ds3 was like this, but ds2 would not have been.

It's not just bfeeding related either, dd ended up bottle fed but still refused to go to bed for anyone but me for a long time. Bizarrely now age five she settles better for dh.

[Muskateersmummy]

I have to go on conferences for work. I returned when she was 5 months old, first conf was 3 mths later. I wouldn't have dreamed of taking her with me.

Your dh will do much better at settling DS without you there ime. They need to be able to do this without you.

Can your DM not help out dh at home instead? My DM collects dd from nursery and waits for dh to come home, then hands over to him, whilst I'm away or am late home

[FrustratedFrugal]

I've taken my babies to conferences a lot, sometimes even across the Atlantic. It's been fine when there is at least one other adult helping. I usually went out for drinks for 15-30 mins, then back to the hotel. Missing out on socializing is not great, but everybody understood and my family enjoyed the trips. I've also left them behind, and they have been happy with DH. Whatever makes you happier!

[Lonecatwithkitten]

I wonder if your DH having some time off while you are away and leaving your DS behind is the solution. The first night will be hell, but you are not coming back that night. The next night your son will know it's just Daddy and by the third night they will have settled into a routine.
I love going to conferences as I only have to deal with myself in the morning despite the long hours of lectures it is so relaxing. Next year I will take DD, but she will be 13 will sleep late saunter over to commercial exhibition to meet me about lunchtime etc.

[Binders1]

I too would also try and use this as an opportunity to work with your DH on a bedtime routine. I think we easily make rods for our own backs has never let my DH put him to bed wont accept anything other than me.
By 18 months, you should be able to leave your DS with your DH.

Believe me, I know how hard it is with a child that doesn't settle. However, to contradict, I also think that if it gets closer and you're stressing out too much about it and your mother is keen and does see it as a bit of a break then take her with you but would also go with separate room but you need to get out of the mindset that only you are capable of puting your DS to bed.

[cornishglos]

Either seem fine to me. You're lucky to have both options. It's quite a lot to ask of your mum so I think I'd go alone. My ds was the same but I had to go abroad with work when he was 17 months. I knew he'd be well looked after by dh and would give them a chance to bond. It was fine.

[Lweji]

I'd go (in fact I've gone) and let DH handle DS.
They will sort it out.

[Rinceoir]

I've taken my daughter to conferences. All went fine.

[fiorentina]

I think you need to work on leaving him behind. You have time to work on his sleeping patterns and those events are an opportunity to network and help you with work and your career as well as hopefully enjoy yourself.

Perhaps it sounds harsh but I think if he was a year younger I would understand but at his age I would find it odd if you took him? But I had to go away for a week when my DS was 7 months with work so perhaps that's swayed my view.

[PlaymobilPirate]

I'd leave him with dp. My friend's dc would only settle with her mum, never with my friend (the dad) and they never really tried to sort it. The child is an only and I know that my friend feels upset that he missed out on cuddly bed time stories etc.

[unimaginativename13]

Personally I would feel like this is a good opportunity to get DH a look in.


4 night away is perfect. Night 1 might be bad but DH has it 3 other nights to suss it out.

It probably hasn't helped in the past if DS has a meltdown you are there to sort it quickly. It might be harsh but In your situation I would feel DH and DS needed some time together to work out this issue.

[Ipsos]

My ds was like that and I definitely would not have left him with dh. You could try the hotel option if you think your dm would cope.

[LoveBoursin]

I would plan for your DM to go with you and your ds

AND for your DH to take a more involved role in the bed time routine. Having had a child who was very stubborn single minded, I'm not sure you will manage to change all that in 2 months before you go. Hence the DM involvement.
But you really need to sort that one out.

[thegreekmyths]

I think I may know how you feel. I was in the same position with ds when I had to go away for work. He was 2yrs plus, am never been a night without him. I didn't want to go without him on those occasions and dm travelled with me and stayed in hotel. I couldn't have concentrated at work or night worrying about what might be happening at home. I'm sure it would be fine, but it was just not worth it, I am so glad I did and have wonderful memories of the trip with my mum and ds. Going cold turkey is not fair on anyone,especially little one.
Relax, take your mum and enjoy sea air together. You can swerve all the boozy conference shenanigans that go on too.

[ThomasRichard]

I had this issue come up with DD at the same age when I had to go to China for a week. No option for her to come with me there! I thought it would be painful for me, distressing for her and the end of BFing but in the event it was fine. My boobs were a bit swollen on the first night so I did a bit of hand-expressing in the shower. DD changed completely when she knew I wasn't in the house and settled for XH and we picked up BFing again with no problems when I got back.

[LeaLeander]

But they wouldn't be going cold turkey. They have months before the conference to work on this.

The child is a year and a half old, not a babe in arms. Walking, perhaps talking a little and in some eras/cultures would be well on its way to being toilet trained. Surely that is developed enough to go to learn to go to bed with a loving and engaged father on hand?

Holding back the child's development because of one's own anxieties and needs is not fair to the child.

[Jw35]

I wouldn't go to the conference but if you really have to then take ds. 4 nights is a long time without you especially if you're still breastfeeding

[YesterdayOnceMore]

I'd take your DS (and dm).