To take my baby to a conference

[LovelyBranches]

I work for a company that will be holding a conference in a couple of months. It's 4-5 hours away and will be from Monday afternoon to Thursday 5pm.

I have a 16 month old who is a terrible sleeper. Has never slept through, relies on me breastfeeding to sleep and has never let my DH put him to bed, he just stays up screaming. Dh is so gentle and calm with him but DS wont accept anything other than me. I've never left him overnight and am really daunted by the thought of leaving for 4 days and realistically, 4 nights. He currently goes to nursery for a few days a week and I look after him at home for the other days.

The conference is in a nice seaside town and my DM has offered to come to the conference with me and DS and she would look after him in the day and I could look after him in the evening. She would stay in my hotel room with me and DS and would use the opportunity as a chance of a break as she hasn't got any holidays booked this year.

The hotel I would have to stay in would also be hosting lots of my colleagues who often go out for meals and drinks together and use it as a massive social opportunity. Obviously I would miss all of this but I'm really not bothered as I'm big a big drinker.

So the options available are;

1. Ds stays at home, goes to nursery everyday (until late as DH works long hours). I wont see DS and he will have a completely different routine to normal. I am 4-5 hours away. This option makes me feel anxious and will certainly stop me being able to breastfeed (which isn't essential at this age, but I would work with DS to wean him off rather than have this decision made for us).

1. I go to the conference, take DS and DM on a very long journey. I don't participate in staff evening activities and maybe alienate myself from colleagues. Dh misses out on seeing DS for a week.

What would you do?

[BackforGood]

I think YABU to take your baby to a conference, yes, but maybe your conferences are different from what I know of work conferences, when the mixing / networking / socialising / discussion times are as important as the talks - possibly more so? So removing yourself from all that means you are not then doing the job your company are paying for.
I also think it's somewhat ridiculous to say that a parent won't cope with their own toddler for 3 nights between work and sleep. That's what you need to sort out. (you being both of you)

[BikeRunSki]

this

[theycallmemellojello]

I think that your dh needs to be allowed to/learn to/ understand it's his job to parent his child. Go alone IMO.

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

Should say though, take the breastfeeding element out of the equation and yes can't see many men having this issue. I personally don't see that as necessarily a bad thing though. Just a fact of life.

OP I hope you come to a decision that works for you all.

[Ilovetorrentialrain]

To those saying a man would never have this problem... No kidding! They can't breastfeed.

[NickyEds]

Lweji- Dp usually puts ds to bed and I'm just having a quiet chuckle at the very idea of him taking him with him the next time he goes away! It would be a non issue if op was a bloke.

[Focusfocus]

Mine will be going with me and DH to three conferences where I will speak each year approximately. Currently four months old and first up is Japan in two months time

[WipsGlitter]

Honestly. I would just go and leave DH to it. You're getting yourself into a mess and this will just enable all of it rather than addressing the issues.

I don't think it will be a break for your mum, it will be distracting for everyone, if you were my colleague i would assume you were a single parent if you did this.

Have you asked your manager if it is ok?

[Lweji]

A man would never, ever, have this problem. Even if he was the only one who could settle their child at bed time.

[Pteranodon]

I'd take him with me. it doesn't seem at all odd to me that he needs you to settle him, both of mine needed me until 2 1/2-3, though they were quite flexible wrt staying up late so I still went out until 10pm or so.

Additional childcare to support your mum is a great idea, as is joining back in with the socialising once he's settled, if you want to.

[TwistInMySobriety]

I honestly dont understand how you get to 16 months and the baby still cant be settled by its own father

My two-and-a-bit year old has never been settled by his father, who leaves for work at bedtime. I can imagine that sort of situation is pretty common.

[mmgirish]

Dear OP, I have only read your messages so I apologise if I am parroting what other have said. This might sound harsh but I don't intend it to. I have been in your position and I know how hard it is. I had to go away for work on a school trip. It did my ds the world of good. This might be the opportunity you need to break your son's reliance on you.

[Only1scoop]

I did a course a while ago and someone bought their toddler and mother as she co slept and breast fed apparently.

She didn't eat with us or socialise with us and complained wanting a larger room etc.

We had training two of the evenings which she left early as she had to do bedtime and then complained about being asked to stay late on last day to catch up.

However she just came across the whole 2 weeks as an entitled nausebox which I'm sure you aren't Op.

[lenibose]

I would leave with DS. DS always settled better for me. The first time I left for a conference, he was up for 2 hours yelling at night (around 18 months). But they got through it. On DH's insistence, I had another night away the next week to repeat this, and he woke up and shouted but less. We then kept this up as a regular occurrence, and within a month or so, he wanted Daddy to do bedtime instead of me (because Mummy doesn't allow messing about and Daddy does!). He is with a parent and someone who loves and cares for him. You are not abandoning him with strangers. Why should you used to him being away from you? Because mothers are people too and need to have a life. But also because introducing tiny bits of independence when they are young with people they know and love, will make the transition away from mum when he is older that much easier.

[Plateofcrumbs]

Both options are fine. ignoring the conference, how happy are you ALL with the current situation?

If you and DH are both happy for the current arrangement to persist for months/years, then take baby to the conference. But if you are feeling worn down by it and DH feels he is missing out from bonding with your child, then this creates an opportunity to work on a change.

I've not been through this exact thing as DS never really fed to sleep, but a friend has recently stopped BFing her 18mo to sleep and once she bit the bullet found her DS quickly and fairly painlessly adapted to other methods of settling and is also sleeping much much better too. She had exactly your experiences in the past of trying to leave him with DH for an evening and returning to an utterly hysterical child and swearing 'never again'.

[Lweji]

Easy parenting for me is just leaving baby with dad. Taking to conference with gm in tow is the definition of complicated parenting for me.

[DelphiniumBlue]

You seem very anxious and this may be transmitting to DS. In order for him to be able to settle without you, maybe consider stopping the night feeds . this is possible, I did it with all 3 of mine. You drop the bedtime one first, which instantly gives you more flexibility, by moving it back so that it doesn't happen in the bedroom. Then start getting him used to other people putting him to bed. This is a gradual process, so you'd need to start soon.
I'm wondering how your mum will cope if you haven't trained him to sleep without you. Does he have a nap at nursery?
I suspect that a toddler at a conference won't work well, especially if he won't settle without you. I also think that 4 days is a long time to be away from a toddler, particularly if you have always spent a lot of time with him. Seems like there's not a perfect solution, so maybe go with what feels the most comfortable for you. I think on balance I'd take him, plus mum, if she's prepared to do some of the evenings, and if D's won't tantrum if you pop in and out during the day. But definitely address the sleep issue.

[dolkapots]

I had a Phd associate who not only took baby along to conference, but brought her into the conference. She was as good as gold though, but it was massively distracting for everyone who couldn't stop staring at her.

I would take your DM and DS along. Easier all around, but then I subscribe to easy life parenting

[diddl]

"If it weren't for the fact that the baby would in nursery for longer hours, I would leave him home with his dad and go to the conference. "

That's why I asked if it would be possible for Ops mum to collect from nursery & be with her GS until dad gets home.

GM gets some time with her GS, father gets to do bedtimes, Op gets to concentrate on the conference, network in the evenings & uninterrupted sleep!

[MyBreadIsEggy]

If it weren't for the fact that the baby would in nursery for longer hours, I would leave him home with his dad and go to the conference.
If your DM was available to come with the conference with you and DS, would she not be available to take care of him during the day just while you are gone rather than him spend extra hours in nursery??
And as for your DS only settling for you at bedtime, this could be the perfect opportunity for him to learn that it's ok if daddy does bedtime. The first couple of days might be painful for your partner, but your son will sleep eventually, and then hopefully would continue to settle regardless of who does bedtime

[Lweji]

It may be lovely that he needs you, but not so lovely that he rejects dad.
It think it would be actually be lovelier if he was happy and needed both or one.

[Lweji]

For the first longer trip I weaned ds, then 13 months, off the breast by switching to formula and then water and then nothing. He ended up with a book and quiet time at bed time. It worked well for us.

[blueturtle6]

Take the baby, you'll only stress about it for next few months. To derail slightly about everyone saying get him used to being without you, why? It's lovely that he still wants you, you're his mummy and he's still little and doesn't understand conferences, nights away. Xx

[Caterina99]

If it was me then I'd leave DS with Dh and go to the conference. I'd spend the time from now to then really focussing on improving his sleep and settling. If your mum is willing to help out then perhaps she could help DH? Take him to and pick him up from nursery until DH comes home?

Up to you of course, but an 18 month old at a conference is not fun for anyone involved and I honestly think people would be very understanding for a tiny baby, but much less so for a toddler!

[arethereanyleftatall]

I'd go to the conference alone.
I think your ds is too old to be pandering to this. I wouldn't tolerate tantrums because his father is putting him to bed.