To wish I could be housewife

[BeBe32]

Hi

I've never posted here before, so hello to you all. I don't know if this is a bit strange but it's something I've been thinking about for a while. I am 32, single and live alone. I feel like I have never really found a job that I am passionate about and feel a bit lost and directionless. Even when I have been in a job that I really enjoy I still have not felt content in a way or fulfilled.

I have realised recently that if I am completely honest, if I could do anything it would probably be a housewife or home maker. Despite being quite academic at school I don't really feel overly ambitious and I think when I was younger I assumed by the time I was this age I always imagined I would have children and be married rather than picturing myself in a particular career, so maybe that's the problem. I also suffer with anxiety and I often feel this is triggered by work situations and the only time I feel calm and in control when I am at home, in control of my own time and not feeing under pressure from managers and colleagues, I sometimes feel like I would be so much happier and less anxious if it wasn't for work.

Obviously there's nothing I can do as I am single and cannot give up work but I suppose I just wanted to see if anyone else feels like this and perhaps how I can stop focusing on what I wish I could be doing and accept that that won't happen.

xx

I am a SAHM with small children so our circumstances are different but I was like you before I had children. My reason was because I didn't enjoy where I worked, I felt 'stuck' there as the salary was competitive but I really disliked office politics and the whole 9-5 lifestyle. I dreaded going into work and clock watched all the time.

OP I know its a different situation but could you even reduce your working week to a four day week. That might even up your work/life balance (and truthfully after tax you won't be as financially down as you might fear). Can you change departments? Can you re-train to an area you'd enjoy more. Do you have a hobby that you like? I'm not going to suggest making it your career :) but can you do it during the week after work? Can you meet a friend one evening a week? What I'm really suggesting is that until you change careers/can afford to give up work, I think if you improve your current lifestyle and add more fun into it so it isn't all about 'work' during the week. Do you think this might help?

I feel like you're saying two quite different things. There are loads of things most people would love to try, but are unable to (or at least find it more difficult to) because of work. I would love to read, and write, and even bake all day - but it is not very realistic as I still have to live.

Otherwise I'm afraid I find the 'want to be a housewife' thing a bit of a cop out. I'm sure loads of men would love to stay home reading and writing as well, but it isn't as accepted from them to say they want to 'stay home and look after the house'. I also don't know how much less stressful you would find staying home with a bunch of kids - no to mention this reading/writing/baking time!

^This.

Also agree with pps that you're describing is a financially unproblematic retirement (not something everyone has, even at retirement age), not the life of the average SAHP.

Sounds to me like you just don't like working, possibly because the anxiety.

But honestly, most people do not enjoy going out to work and would much rather spend their days doing something else. If they were given a choice.

It's not that unusual.

My sil used to say the same as you. She would love being a sahm or housewife. Spending her days reading, baking and making the house all nice when BIL came home. Kids all clean and bathed ready to spend sometime with their dad. Nice home cooked meal every night.

She now has 2 kids, who she adores. But the house is a tip, she never bakes and they are lucky if they get a home cooked meal twice a week. Not judging her, but the reality is often far removed for the dream.

I am a housewife/SAHM and it is utter bliss. I have plenty of time to read, bake, potter and my family life is so much calmer now that most things get done during the day which means more leisure time for everyone.

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to be a housewife, but I think you have to accept that it's unlikely to happen (even supposing you meet someone and get married), as these days most relationships require both parties working to make ends meet.

Given that, you may benefit from some counselling to overcome your anxiety and at least make your day-to-day reality more bearable. People underestimate the impact of l living with a constant level of anxiety - it really can be quite debilitating. But it doesn't have to continue.

OP I've no real advice but am watching this thread with fascinated interest because I feel exactly the same as you. I could've written your OP word for word. It's uncanny - especially the bit about work anxiety and expectations and only feeling calm when you're in control of your own time.

The only difference between us being that I do have a DH and a child, but I have to work full time. I wish every day we were well off enough for me to stay at home. I was also a high academic achiever but am only really truly happy when I'm home with my family.

I don't have kids but I think I'd also like to be a housewife. I have got a good degree but I just really hate going out to work! I find it such an imposition. I'd love to have my own timetable and not feel rushed, rather than getting up at 5am as I do now.

Sadly I am also poor so not working isn't really ever going to happen.

I'm a quiet one, would love to be at home
But that's why I've been planning early retirement for years and looking at ways to work at home

I can't work out if you want that - and I think a lot of people just want a quiet life but we've all got to make a living - or if you love housekeeping and could make a career of it.

I can't see bring a SAHP as a quiet life myself. I'm single and childfree partly because of wanting a quiet life.

Maybe you need to figure out what you want and go from there. But very few people find a quiet life with someone else to earn the money! And then you can end up having to answer to them, not always but sometimes.

I would imagine most people would rather not go to work and do their own thing every day instead!

Not very realistic though, is it? Who would fund it!

I'm really amazed by the responses which describe SAHP with children as being "quiet" or "pottering around", on which planet is this and can I join you there?

I know plenty of well-off SAHMs, and it is anything but peaceful, quiet, pottering around etc. Just the regular drop-off and pick-ups which your average SAHM with two kids does makes a taxi-driver look tame. never mind the shopping, meal prep, time management, homework, appointments, arghghghg.

When I had a 9-5 office job, we used to joke with colleagues who had kids that Monday morning was OUR bliss time, arriving in a quiet, well-ordered, clean office, adult quiet talk, limitless coffee, kid-free zone.

Do you simply dislike your job? then maybe search for another job: there's always shortage of cleaners or homecare work, no office politics, and some cleaning companies are set up so you can manage your own time. Bonus: lots of cultural diversity!! As these jobs are frequently taken on by poorly-paid, female immigrants!

On a lighter note: Did you ever read Agatha Christie- remember that Lucy whatshername character in 4:50 from paddington, who gave up her high-achieving maths job to become a "Domestic", mosty because of reasons you mention? LOL

Do you simply dislike "work"? Then get politically active in some Basic Income for all Citizens movement - it won't happen in our lifetime, but maybe future (first world) generations won't be saddled by this pesky nuisance called work...

My older ones walk to school themselves so no school run in the car. DS2 walks with other children to his primary with parents taking it in turns to supervise. I quite like bundling the other two up and having the walk. I currently have two from home, when tiny they can often go in a sling which leaves you free to potter. When older mine tend to follow me about pottering after me

I idea to teach, I became a SAHP to get away from the kids and have some peace

I "used to" not sure where the "idea" came from.

I am a housewife/SAHM and it is utter bliss. I have plenty of time to read, bake, potter and my family life is so much calmer now that most things get done during the day which means more leisure time for everyone.

Maybe you need to give lessons, sil has two under 3 years. I can't see how anyone would have time to do all that with 2 small kids.

I doubt I would have anything to teach, I think perhaps the more children you have the more relaxed you become , I have six so am fairly laid back which helps me get things done. I have also been lucky to have fairly chilled children, if they were high demand I would be screwed.

I think plenty of storage and space helps, if everything has a place it is easy to keep on top of things

Some interesting responses and good points made. As far as making changes to my working life - I cannot afford to reduce my hours and not sure about a career change. To be honest I have had various jobs and some have been better than others but I have still always felt this way. There is no particular job that I am desperate to do so I'm also not sure what else I would do.

I would like to meet someone, to give myself more fulfilment outside of my work life but have not had much luck in this area. I'm not sure about online dating, I feel quite apprehensive about it. I know it works for some but I'm just not sure.

I have had counselling and medication for anxiety before and never really found anything that works. I feel like I will never be free of it now and just don't know what to do about it.

TubbyTabby I really feel for you. I completely understand how you feel. Please know that you are not alone. I wish I could suggest something more but I have suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time and I know how difficult it is. I hope you are ok and please talk more if it will help.

It has been quite lovely to see I'm not alone - often when you say your dream is to be a housewife or SAHM people look at you like you're crazy!

xx

I found the year on maternity with a 4 and 1 yo utter bliss actually. I never understood why people struggle. So I agree with the sentiment of having plenty of time to read, bake and potter. The key is just time management. Treat it as if you are at work, with a task and priority list. I had a schedule of tasks I needed to do each day. There isn't really much to do for the 'housewifey' part - ie the day to day cleaning. I have something like monday bathroom, wednesday kitchen, friday vacuum and dusting. Then another day for general tidying and then toilets for 2 min every other day. That's less than 30min a day. Laundry is like 10min a day at most and I was doing a load a day. Meal planning and cooking I still do when I'm back at work so no change there. Basically then I'm left with 9.5 hours a day extra to do me stuff. This is compared to currently where I leave home at 7 and work till 5.30. Then it's still all the parent and house work to do.

I find work challenging and fulfilling so ofc I return to work. But I can understand how it can be utterly soul destroying too. A few years ago, I really hated my work and found myself not being valued. Then I was made redundant, which was the best thing that has happened to me in hind sight. It forced me to rethink what I wanted from my work.

You haven't told us about what you do after work. Maybe look outside work and see if you can find yourself there? As you say, you still need to work, and maybe a career change is something still to be considered. But in the mean time, have you thought about taking up a hobby? (I would like to do that but can't find the time at the moment with two young children. I really missed going to the gym after work for example).

That is good advice from HeadDreamer. I earn a little bit of pin money by making my hobbies and interests pay but if I didn't have them in the first place I would have had fewer avenues to explore

I've never really had hobbies, I know that sounds silly but I have never been particularly sporty or musical for example, I'm not really sure what I'd like to do. I also often feel so drained and tired after work (possibly due to the anxiety too) so I sometimes find it hard to motivate myself to do things in the evenings.

I should say that I don't for a second thing that staying at home either as a SAHM or housewife is easy or relaxing. It's more the environment and the things that you would be doing as opposed to paid employment that appeal, I'm not looking to do nothing!

xx

You like to cook, I count that as a hobby and have managed to find a way to make it earn me a little money so that I am more self sufficient.

So you don't have children yet?
I don't think you can know what that's like until you do. Your time won't be yours to choose what you do with it and it is a lot harder than a lot of jobs.
If you want to be a 'housewife' without kids then that's just being unemployed and wanting someone else to work to fund you. I'm sure lots of people, men and women, would like that. But it's not real life.

Yes I do like to bake. I have had a few people say I should do something with that but I wouldn't know where to start really. Also I think you have to be really good if you want it to be more than a hobby and I'm not sure that I'm a particularly good baker.

If you want to be a 'housewife' without kids then that's just being unemployed and wanting someone else to work to fund you. I'm sure lots of people, men and women, would like that. But it's not real life.

WSS

I agree with a previous poster, it sounds like you want to be unemployed and then retired in financial comfort, without the hassle of having to actually work for a living.

Unless you are fortunate enough to be born to a life of leisure, most of us have to earn an honest crust. It is called work for a reason - because it is work.