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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Soooo I think dh is pissed with me

84 replies

NeedACleverNN · 01/03/2016 08:08

We have an agreement that if any child wakes us before 2am it's his turn. After its mine.

I had a terrible sleep due to his wandering hands last night that come 1.55 and ds wakes I nudged him awake to deal with it.

I kindly asked if he would mind sorting out ds. He opened one eye and then buried his head back into the pillow. I took this as a no, he's not doing it.

Went to get up to find him grabbing my arm to make me stay in bed however by now he had wound me up so I threw him off and went and made a bottle. Bottle ready and he suddenly appeared to take the bottle off me. Told him forget it, I'll do it, to which he snapped you've woken me up now just give it here.
He then stormed off to ds's room whilst I went back to bed.

He didn't say goodbye to me this morning and he hadn't done the bin bags like he normally does.

I just know that when he gets home tonight he will be quiet and sulky until I have it out with him to which it will be all my fault for waking him up when he was so tired.

So...wibu to wake him up when I was already awake?

OP posts:

attheendoftheday · 01/03/2016 09:50

He may not be meaning to sexually assault you when asleep, but as he knows it's a possibility it it his responsibility to ensure he is not going to sleep in a situation where he might do it by accident. Does he not see what a massive deal this is? Does he think it's ok to sexually assault you?

He needs to sleep elsewhere, I would expect him to be horrified at what he's done to you.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 01/03/2016 09:57

Me thinks Cocktail and different are being deliberately difficult here. Can't think of any other reason why they'd think they know the OP's situation better than both her and her husband.

caitlinohara · 01/03/2016 10:08

You have a baby keeping you awake, and a husband keeping you awake. You must be shattered.

I think you need to prioritise getting some rest, and if that means sleeping separately for a while, then that's what you do.

ZiggyFartdust · 01/03/2016 10:13

If he felt guilty about it he wouldn't be acting so shitty about being woken up to see to the baby, would he?

OliviaDunham · 01/03/2016 10:28

You're both understandably knackered, maybe he didn't say goodbye as he thought you were sleeping and didn't take the bins out as he was running late? It's hard being that tired for both of you, hopefully you'll soon start getting better nights sleep.

OurBlanche · 01/03/2016 10:28

Add Ziggy to that list, Paul

bettyberry · 01/03/2016 10:33

I sort of know how you feel, OP, an ex of mine used to thrash about in his sleep and I'd wake with bruises on my legs from where he kicked in his sleep. We never got to the bottom of it because the EX didn't see it as a problem so I left.

I second seeing another doctor and in the meantime - because all sleep therapists and support seem to ask this - keep a simple diary of his actions. eg 'long shift, worked overtime, ate later, had beer. sleep, problems/no problems' Sleep patterns and behaviour can be affected by so many things. If he is worse the nights he has a beer the diary will highlight it. Ditto being over tired or eating later than usual.Or if he is better/worse if he exercises or even if the baby wakes him during a particular part of his sleep cycle can make him more tired and more likely to act out. Figuring out all the triggers for his sleep behaviour will help you both get more control over it but you wont be able to do it alone you'll need support from specialists be it with good sleep hygiene or medication.

I'd also sleep separately a few nights a week So you both sleep well in the short term and If your OH is missing the intimacy then put it in elsewhere cuddles on the sofa before bed without the TV/distractions are just as important as the ones in bed before you fall asleep.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 01/03/2016 10:34

If he felt guilty about it he wouldn't be acting so shitty about being woken up to see to the baby, would he?

He doesn't know he was fiddling this morning yet. He was gone to work before I woke up. He usually gently wakes me to say goodbye and asks if everything was alright. As he didn't wake me he doesn't yet know.

OP posts:

ricketytickety · 01/03/2016 10:35

I'm going to suggest something that might help with both problems...let your dp sleep and you do all the nightfeeds.

Ok, I know you have an agreed system but if he has sleep issues then the interrupted and/or light sleep he has before 2am may be making it worse. Is this a problem that you found appeared after children? I am a sleeptalker/occasional walker/paralytic dreamer and find that any disruption to sleep and anxiety can make it worse. Could it be that because he has one ear open that he is constantly going in and out of the dream state and that is causing his sleep problem?

Ditto going back to the docs and seeing a different doctor or getting in touch with a sleep centre - you can't be fobbed off with 'manage it yourselves' bs. This is a proper disorder and must be hard for both of you, especially you.

Katenka · 01/03/2016 10:35

Some people on here are a joke.

Op you are both knackered for a variety of reasons.

But some people on mn will always make out your dh is an abusive twat, regardless of what you say. It's just how they roll. Quite sad really.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 01/03/2016 10:40

No one is that reasonable at 2 in the morning. Apologise to each other and move on. Seriously consider seperately beds though. DH and I stopped sharing a bed a year ago and it's made a huge difference all round. I would even say our sex life is ten times better now we sleep apart!

Vandree · 01/03/2016 10:40

OP i think we have all been unreasonable at the wee hours of the morning when we have young kids and broken sleep. When ours were really tiny and not sleeping we were horrible to each other in ways we weren't in the light of day. I totally understand where you are coming from looking to wake him when you've been desperately trying to sleep for ages and knowing that if you get up it'll be another hour at least before you can sleep as you will be awake again. Just apologise for waking him that you were wrecked and didn't think it through. My DH does the handsy thing at night too. When he is really tired he talks in his sleep and sleep walks and wakes me telling me there is someone in the room or that he is going to get me. He is completely asleep. As is he when he tries to feel me up and have sex. I used to try wake him gently but recently I have been woken up and given him a hard kick to get him away from me. That sounds horrible but hes not awake and doesn't remember and I just react from the fright of being woken. Never knew it had a name. Alternating sleeping in another room even a few nights a week would help with your broken sleep. Its the only thing that kept us going in the early days that one of us got to have a full nights sleep.

differentnameforthis · 01/03/2016 11:01

I'm not being deliberately difficult. I just think it is odd that her dh is so distressed at causing his wife this distress, that it makes him cry, yet he isn't actively doing anything about it.

But it's ok...I'll back out.. because a man who wanted sex as soon as he "woke up", and who is aware that his nightly 'wandering' hands distresses his wife is obviously allowed to sulk at getting woken up for the baby, no matter how often his habit wakes his poor wife!

differentnameforthis · 01/03/2016 11:03

Katenka

Quite the contrary...I don't need to see every man as an abusive one, just one who sulks because he wife didn't get back into bed for sex as soon as he "woke up" after he spent the night with wandering hands that kept his wife awake...

OurBlanche · 01/03/2016 11:05

You might have confused the OP a bit there.

I read it as he grabbed her to stop her getting up, you seem to have read it as he grabbed her for sex! Hmmmm!

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 01/03/2016 11:10

No he grabbed me to stop me from getting up not for sex.

He doesn't pester me for sex. I have a low sex drive which he is aware of so we usually have once every other week. I also have a uti at the moment so he knows he had no chance at the moment

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 01/03/2016 11:24

Separate beds does sound like the answer. And I definitely wouldn't do the shift thing for baby waking. That would be so disruptive for both your sleep patterns. One day on, one day off would be fairer.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 01/03/2016 11:29

Ah yes different, you just totally disregard what the op has said and stick with your own wrong idea of things. Because that's helpful...

Katenka · 01/03/2016 12:42

Why don't you read the thread.

You accused him of not respecting her autonomy (because you didn't see an update posted 15 minutes before you posted) then called him a liar and are now saying he tried to make her get back to bed for sex while the baby cried.

That didn't happen. I didn't even need to see the update to understand that.

Beth2511 · 01/03/2016 12:46

We do similar and work out the cut off dependent on who is working what. We also have an agreement that whatever gets said during nudging times and middle of night is forgotten first thing as both of us hate being woken and can be very grouchy

cornishglos · 01/03/2016 13:33

The problem is the turn taking. If you both see your child as such massive inconvenience that you have to take turns, there will be arguments. And eventually the child will realise that neither of you wants to be doing it. Just decide as reasonable people with brains. You were awake anyway: you do it. You are especially tired/ unwell: he does it. He has an early shift: you do it etc. Or just whoever wakes up first.

amarmai · 01/03/2016 14:15

'mine is worse when i'm exhausted ' wd mean he knows what he is doing ?? op i wd need separate sleeping arrangements.

Katenka · 01/03/2016 14:22

'mine is worse when i'm exhausted ' wd mean he knows what he is doing ??

Eh?

I talk, shout and walk about more when asleep, if I am exhausted. I get into such a deep sleep it doesn't wake me up.

I don't know how that translates it I would know what I was doing.

amarmai · 01/03/2016 14:27

BMA: Wandering Hands Syndrome;
This is a penis related behavioural disorder,not cured by age unfortunately.The best cure is separate beds.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/03/2016 14:41

This thread has gone a bit Pete Tong, hasn't it?

OP, you sound tired, he sounds tired. You both sound like nice people who were having a bad night. He needs to get back to the Doctor for some actual treatment. I had a friend who was violent when asleep and it got quite bad. Possibly night on night off might be easier.

And people who don't expect men to get up when they have work... lots of women work you know. Even with small children. And share the burden. And still do their jobs. I don't understand why Penis + Job = Full Night Sleep and No Housework. Because Vagina + Job certainly doesn't.

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