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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Soooo I think dh is pissed with me

84 replies

NeedACleverNN · 01/03/2016 08:08

We have an agreement that if any child wakes us before 2am it's his turn. After its mine.

I had a terrible sleep due to his wandering hands last night that come 1.55 and ds wakes I nudged him awake to deal with it.

I kindly asked if he would mind sorting out ds. He opened one eye and then buried his head back into the pillow. I took this as a no, he's not doing it.

Went to get up to find him grabbing my arm to make me stay in bed however by now he had wound me up so I threw him off and went and made a bottle. Bottle ready and he suddenly appeared to take the bottle off me. Told him forget it, I'll do it, to which he snapped you've woken me up now just give it here.
He then stormed off to ds's room whilst I went back to bed.

He didn't say goodbye to me this morning and he hadn't done the bin bags like he normally does.

I just know that when he gets home tonight he will be quiet and sulky until I have it out with him to which it will be all my fault for waking him up when he was so tired.

So...wibu to wake him up when I was already awake?

OP posts:

MadSprocker · 01/03/2016 08:29

Like pp said, everything is magnified when you are getting less sleep because of a baby. We used to have the most ridiculous disagreements at 2am. I can kind of see that you might be pissed off if he had woken you throughout the night, and want to wake him up.

CocktailQueen · 01/03/2016 08:30

Get separate beds. You can't put up with that! Is he really asleep? Sounds like a convenient excuse.

PovertyPain · 01/03/2016 08:31

Get two single beds and put them beside each other or if that doesn't work, put bedside table between them. If he complains, tell him this is to save
you throttling him your relationship as you can't cope with the lack of sleep. It sounds horrible OP and he has to realise, that although it's not his fault, something needs to be done about it as it must affect his sleep too if you have to push him off.

Katenka · 01/03/2016 08:31

Me and dh are awful in the night to each other. He has sworn at me, I have kicked him and asked him who he is shagging behind my back and kicked him on occasion.

I don't think he is cheating at all so don't know where it came from. Neither of us remember doing any of this. It's calmed down massively since ds has got older and is sleeping through.

HolgerDanske · 01/03/2016 08:32

Yes he is really asleep and OP has reiterated that a couple of times already. This is a known sleep disorder like sleepwalking or night terrors.

I really would look into separate bedrooms or at least beds, if it's feasible.

OurBlanche · 01/03/2016 08:32

I too would advise you sleep separately. My DH is an aggressive sleeper. He pummels, pushes and even snarls in his sleep. He also sleeps like a sweaty starfish, middle of the bed, head covered, sticking out.

He's a lovely man really, he just seems to role play being an angry super hero in his sleep.

We have been on far better terms since we stopped sharing a bed. We are both getting more sleep and, 30 years on, it still works well for us.

Good luck having any kind of meaningful conversation with him tonight!

Iambubbles86 · 01/03/2016 08:33

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex according to wiki he can try clomazepam, can't believed doctors could leave both of you in such a situation without at least suggesting medication

Agree with pp re one on one off, seems the best solution

bibbitybobbityyhat · 01/03/2016 08:33

Agree re. the separate beds op! You need to sleep. What is he doing to address this problem of his?

And what on earth has your dh and his laziness got to do with this Eliza22 ?

Muskateersmummy · 01/03/2016 08:33

Over tiredness on both parts I think. Personally I would switch to one night on, one night off. The middle of the night handover seems complicated and rife for arguements about who's "shift" . Like if baby wakes at 1.30 but is still not settled at 3, should you switch shifts?!

I did most of the night stuff with dd (still do) but if dh hears I'm struggling, or if I ask him to take over (he sleeps heavier than me so often doesn't hear her!) he steps in.

Maybe try to organise a nice dinner just the two of you, get a baby sitter. And talk about how to improve the arrangement so your night tired fighting

BertieBotts · 01/03/2016 08:34

Sexsomnia can absolutely be treated. GP is fobbing him off.

www.1stopsnoring.co.uk/sleep-conditions/parasomnias/

differentnameforthis · 01/03/2016 08:39

So he is allowed to keep you awake while he is "sleeping" with his wandering hands, he wanted you to stay in bed (presumably for sex?), yet he is the one in the mood? I would say that he was more in a mood because you refused to get back into bed with him...

Did you go to the dr with him?

I would say that he is a little more "awake" than he admits, too!

OurBlanche · 01/03/2016 08:47

Really? Despite the OP saying her DH is asleep, others like myself having similar stories and even an exotic name, some still insist that OPs DH must be awake and deliberately pestering her?

Would that be because he is a man?

Pah!

HolgerDanske · 01/03/2016 08:50

Ugh I know, it really irritates me. OP has explained, and reiterated, and stated clearly that she has to physically wake him up during these episodes and people still can't leave it well alone.

OP I think you do have to make sure he's actually spoken to the dr about it, though. He may have chickened out if he was embarrassed.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 01/03/2016 08:51

No honestly he is asleep bless him.

He burst into tears when I told him he nearly forced himself on me, matched straight down to the doctors and demanded to be seen. They then said there was nothing they could do and just manage it.

No I don't work. I have poor health and terrible back pain so I rely on my dh a lot. Honestly now looking back after everything he does for me j was being unreasonable.

If I have had a bad day, he gets home from an 8 hour physical shift (he's a factory worker) sends me up to bed with a DVD and takes over the child care.

He also at weekends and on days he works 2-10 sleeps downstairs on the sofa with the baby monitor to give me a rest. On weeks he works 6-2 he likes to be in bed with me.

God I am so out of order

OP posts:

HolgerDanske · 01/03/2016 08:56

No you're not out of order at all. You can cuddle and snuggle with him in his or your bed before you go to sleep. And then when you're sufficiently sleepy you or he can go into another bed or on the sofa in order to let each other sleep properly. Lots of couples do this for many reasons and it can hugely improve relationships.

You do not have to live what is really a hugely disruptive problem just because you appreciate everything he does for you. You can appreciate him and love him and still have a good sleep.

differentnameforthis · 01/03/2016 09:03

OK, so before get all defensive insisting that he is asleep & getting bolshie, and accusing me saying what I said "because he's a man", the whole thread hadn't loaded when I posted, so I just had the first post & few pps up.

Fair enough, op...he is asleep. I see that you did insist on that point before I posted, but as I said, that wasn't there when I posted.

BUT
I don't believe that the dr said he can only "manage it"..and I don't believe that a man who cries over causing his wife such distress would just leave it & not seek a second opinion, or even see what's on the internet about it.

eddielizzard · 01/03/2016 09:05

no you're not out of order. you're exhausted.

i'd seriously consider twin beds. then you're sleeping together but physically he can't touch you whilst asleep.

Original poster

NeedACleverNN · 01/03/2016 09:07

He did look it up and brought up sexsomnia but the doctor said it was incredibly rare and unlikely he had it. He was told that he needs to get to a state of sleep where his actions are controllable. So not so deep that he wanders but deep enough for rest

If I remember correctly though he saw a doctor he doesn't get on well with. So I might suggest he goes back armed with the medication that could possibly help. They may prescribe it if he knows what he is asking for.

OP posts:

Katenka · 01/03/2016 09:09

different so now you can't argue about wether he can help it, you are calling him a liar?

OurBlanche · 01/03/2016 09:13

Sorry, there were 15 minutes between OPs last post and yours, different enough time for anyone to think you had read her posts.

And yes, you really have only made a worse accusation in your second... that he lies and is deliberately causing OP distress!

Happily, OP is far more reasonable and seems to have come up with a plan

Damselindestress · 01/03/2016 09:16

It does sound like it could be sexsomnia. Try seeking a second medical opinion, sexsomnia can be successfully treated. Treatment involves medication (bedtime benzodiazepines) for sexual behavior associated with confusional arousals, CPAP to treat obstructive sleep apnea that is causing sleep disruption leading to confusional arousals and thus to sexsomnia, and anticonvulsant therapy for behavior related to seizure activity. His doctor should have at least investigated before ruling it out, sounds like they didn't take it seriously, like some previous posters. It is probably seen as rare because the stigma means that people are less likely to seek treatment. While he is seeking treatment, maybe you could sleep separately sometimes. These arguments are related to lack of sleep so tackle the cause not just the symptoms. I hope it all works out.

TheWitTank · 01/03/2016 09:17

I think the best thing for now, at least until you get through the sleep deprived, might feeds stage, is to sleep separately. If you want to stay in the same room, perhaps a mattress on the floor or pop up bed? You will have distance, but will still be together.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 01/03/2016 09:44

Baby that wakes up in the night? Of course you and DH are going to be snappy and awful. Sleep deprivation removes tenderness, generosity, logic and basic humanity. Just try to forgive each other in the morning.

Fuzz01 · 01/03/2016 09:49

So he is woken up deals with DS and gets up and does a shift at work? Surely thats what you doing when your DH is working and he helps at the weekend. You were already awake why didn't you just see to your DS

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/03/2016 09:50

You're not out of order. You're worn out by your children/your health problems/the effects of your husband's sleep disorder. I'd definitely try separate beds so at least the sleep you do get is quality. It's perfectly possible to have sex/cuddle in a single bed and then retreat to your own.

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