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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re PIL meeting newborn?

68 replies

puglife15 · 01/03/2016 02:02

DC2 was born last week, PIL are on holiday and get back in 2 days.

My DPs are visiting this weekend on Friday and staying until Monday (they live much further away). They know one of their main roles while they are here is to spend time with DC1 (or allow us to) as he is struggling with the adjustment.

PIL asked to visit on Sunday, just for the day as "otherwise they don't know when they can fit it in". PIL are retired and the sort of thing MIL reeled off she couldn't possibly miss to visit her grandchild from her diary included a keep fit class, playing tennis, and lunch with friends she sees every week.

DH said Sunday was fine to them despite me nudging him firmly in the ribs.

I don't want PIL to visit on Sunday. My parents don't get on with them at all (I would say actively dislike each other but polite in person) and our house will feel crowded and tense as a result - we don't have enough seats for 6 adults in our living room for example.

I also think if they can't bear the thought of missing a bloody aerobics class to visit their grandchild for the first time then why should we go out of our way to accommodate them?

AiBU to tell DH to ask them to come another day when my parents aren't here?

OP posts:
ThisWasCrownjewel · 01/03/2016 02:05

Yanbu. Sunday is Mothers Day - is there no way your DH can nip round to see MIL for an hour or so with new baby, while you spend some time with your mum and DC1?

Congratulations by the way Flowers

Original poster
puglife15 · 01/03/2016 06:29

Ah, I didn't realise it was mothers day... I'm getting my weeks muddled up. I feel bad stopping DH from seeing his Mum on mothers day.

It's about a 3.5 hour round trip to PILs and we are ebf so that's not an option unfortunately.

OP posts:
MimiSunshine · 01/03/2016 06:37

could your parents wait until they arrive, say hi and then after 30 mins take your DC1 one out for a bit / treat? Then aim to bring him back before they leave?

Surely they don't need to be sat in your house all weekend and DC1 will get a little treat out and some 121 attention from his grandparents and you'll have enough seats for your PIL who will get to see their GC2?

It's annoying that you don't feel they are prioritising you as a family but it stops any resentment and avoids a tense atmosphere

LaurieMarlow · 01/03/2016 06:43

Just on the exercise class point, In my experience, my parents and PIL do want to be helpful, but this is fundamentally on their own terms. And annoying as it is, it's just life so in the end you have to suck it up.

Janeymoo50 · 01/03/2016 06:52

I'd be tempted to get it over and done with tbh. Great idea about your parents popping out for a wee while (park, ducks etc). And maybe keep your mum in the kitchen doing dinner for a bit...actually that sounds a bit mean now I read it. Many congratulations.

Original poster
puglife15 · 01/03/2016 07:10

Mimi in theory that's a good idea but if it's pissing down with rain etc it's hard, as there isn't much to do near here except parks, and it takes about half an hour to move our very complicated car seat into their car which I'd rather not have DH doing.

Also if they are here during lunch we will have to feed all of them really...

Laurie yes I'm very aware of that and it's the same with my parents and PIL. It just stings that PILs have my DNs for days at a time during half term. My parents are a little better, and I feel like I can be more direct with them, but I get that they have things going on which they don't want to miss.

OP posts:
Original poster
puglife15 · 01/03/2016 07:13

Janeymoo that made me laugh... I think I can count on one finger the number of times our parents or PIL have cooked for us in our house over the past 3 years, and no way my mum would cook for MIL! (I wouldn't let her anyway!)

OP posts:
potap123 · 01/03/2016 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
puglife15 · 01/03/2016 08:11

Potap that could work, although the thought of PIL and parents out at lunch together is excruciating... They've not seen each other since our wedding and I'm worried there will be some grandparental competition!

I'd so much rather not cross the streams. I dont get to see my parents often - this will be the first time since Christmas. I'll get DH to sell it to them to come at a time when they can "have" DCs all to themselves, and if that doesn't work maybe lunch out is the next best option.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 01/03/2016 08:15

Tell dh to tell them that Sunday doesn't work.

He can take eldest little one to visit them for lunch and you and your parents can enjoy some quiet time with baby.

Then, when they're free again they can come see baby?

KaraokeQueenOfTheNorth · 01/03/2016 08:18

My in laws are like this - everything on their terms and everyone else more important than us! YANBU, I won't have my parents and inlaws in the same room either, it's a nightmare! X

Original poster
puglife15 · 01/03/2016 08:21

Glad I'm not the only one karaoke - they couldn't be more different. MIL represents almost everything my parents despise, and she massively looks down on my parents.

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 01/03/2016 08:29

It's one slightly awkward day. Get it over and done with, it's not worth the hassle of making a fuss about it.

Krampus · 01/03/2016 09:26

I would get it over and done with. Maybe invite them for lunch or afternoon tea, something where you can suggest a start time and there is some kind of end. Come at 1pm for lunch at 2 ...

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 01/03/2016 09:41

God - I'd go out for an early and leisurely lunch around 12 if you can get a table so it's straight out or meet them at the venue. Much, much easier even with a 2 week old. They will all have to be on best behaviour out in public. Get some scones or a fruit cake for afternoon tea and then they can be off again.

You could even meet them half way so they don't come to you at all? because that's the only place you could get a table

On the upside, if they come on Sunday, with your parents there until Monday presumably they can't stay over which they might do later down the week.

rosieliveson1 · 01/03/2016 09:42

It may be awkward but it does seem fair not to have them. It seems a little mean to say they can't visit for the day as your parents are with you for 3 nights. They are all grown ups so I'm sure they can suck it up and make polite small talk about their grandchildren for the duration of a lunch out followed by cup of tea at yours. There may well be future cross overs for birthdays and special events so they may as well get used to it now.

grannytomine · 01/03/2016 09:45

I think both sets of parents sound like nightmares, seriously if they can't behave together for a day they need to grow up. I understand the grandparent dynamic, my eldest's GC has another grandmother who hates my son and makes no bones about it she also competes for GC but I refuse to rise to it but I do distract grandson if she starts. My youngest GC has a grandmother I have nothing in common with but we get along fine and respect each other. It is so nice when people can behave like adults.

Maybe your MIL would like to see her son and GC on mothers day and is trying to justify why she can't come another day?

ComeonSummer1 · 01/03/2016 09:46

I would be tempted to take myself and new born up To the bedroom and let your dh sort them all out.

Either that or take potap advice and go out got lunch so all mummies get a rest.

I have to add my dils parents are frankly vile to her but when we meet up we try and keep civil for her sake and for example to GC.

That will only change if they directly upset her In crime of us in which case they will regret it.Shock

Original poster
puglife15 · 01/03/2016 09:56

They'll all behave I'm sure, no Jeremy Kyle typr stuff, they just have zero in common and it's obvious they dislike each other, which makes for a very awkward and tense atmosphere, and so I try to avoid it. Of course they can suck it up but why should we create a "suck it up" situation for no one's benefit, certainly not ours?

PIL could come another day easily, DH is at the bottom of her list family priority wise and he doesn't tend to do mothers day bar a card so I doubt she is desperate to spend the day with him. but she probably would like a photo of it to show her friends

OP posts:
Chamonix1 · 01/03/2016 09:59

Considering that both sets of parents don't live close to you it's kind of impossible to avoid this on this occasion. Did you say your parents were staying for 3 nights? That gives you two other days to spend alone with them and for them to have dc1 on their own etc.
I'd recommend saying "Coke for lunch at 1" so they don't turn up at 7:30am and leave well into the evening.
Or just book lunch out, that way it's 1.5 hours max of small talk and done.

shovetheholly · 01/03/2016 10:00

Just say no! Tell them you've already arrange for your DPs to be there that weekend, and that too many people may add to the stress your DS1 is already experiencing. But follow it up by saying you're free other days and that they are very, very welcome to come. Let them make the decision about what they prioritise. Whatever they choose DON'T personalise the decision.

And remember that mothers' day is for YOU too!!

My PIL are exactly like that, and this works for me Smile.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2016 10:01

It's one slightly awkward day. Get it over and done with, it's not worth the hassle of making a fuss about it.

I agree with this ^^

Plus you never know, they might even find themselves bonding a bit with the grandchildren there.

Stranger things happen.

WorraLiberty · 01/03/2016 10:03

I have to say though that having lunch out on Mother's Day, would be my idea of a cramped nightmare...and much more so with a newborn.

Plus it's unlikely you'll get a booking even if you tried today.

Bejeena · 01/03/2016 10:05

I don"t know what to advise,but you are not being unreasonable at all. I have something very similar with my inlaws and totally sympathise. They would move the earth for my husbands sister and her children but for my little boy my MIL couldn't even miss weight watchers on the day we visited once.

diddl · 01/03/2016 10:05

Is this the first time both sets of parents will have seen the new baby?

Congratulations by the way!

Ils will obvs only just be back from holiday so first convenient time for them, so I don't think that it's odd that they have asked.

But I think put them off.

It's not your problem that they are other things that take preference.

You already have guests for the weekend & if Pils turn up as well it's all going to feel uncomfortable.

As for a meal out-would that improve the atmosphere atall?

I mean if people don't geton, does changing the setting do much?

I think that you'll be on edge & exhaust yourself trying to be outwardly cheerful!

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