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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re PIL meeting newborn?

68 replies

puglife15 · 01/03/2016 02:02

DC2 was born last week, PIL are on holiday and get back in 2 days.

My DPs are visiting this weekend on Friday and staying until Monday (they live much further away). They know one of their main roles while they are here is to spend time with DC1 (or allow us to) as he is struggling with the adjustment.

PIL asked to visit on Sunday, just for the day as "otherwise they don't know when they can fit it in". PIL are retired and the sort of thing MIL reeled off she couldn't possibly miss to visit her grandchild from her diary included a keep fit class, playing tennis, and lunch with friends she sees every week.

DH said Sunday was fine to them despite me nudging him firmly in the ribs.

I don't want PIL to visit on Sunday. My parents don't get on with them at all (I would say actively dislike each other but polite in person) and our house will feel crowded and tense as a result - we don't have enough seats for 6 adults in our living room for example.

I also think if they can't bear the thought of missing a bloody aerobics class to visit their grandchild for the first time then why should we go out of our way to accommodate them?

AiBU to tell DH to ask them to come another day when my parents aren't here?

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 01/03/2016 10:06

PIL are retired and the sort of thing MIL reeled off she couldn't possibly miss to visit her grandchild from her diary included a keep fit class, playing tennis, and lunch with friends she sees every week

Get used to it. They will also complain about how they 'never see the grandkids'. This is despite us saying X day is good for us and DH can leave work early (they live 30 mins away). They then say that day isn't good for DH so they can't possibly do that day!!!

Honestly there isn't a lot you can do, but go along with when suits them.

We go out with them as much as possible staying in at home is a nightmare for various reasons.

OnlyLovers · 01/03/2016 10:07

Why did your DH go against your wishes?

Tell him you've already tried to make clear that Sunday is NOT fine and they can find another day to visit.

BadDoGooder · 01/03/2016 10:08

OP my parent's and DP's are 2 completely different kinds of people, and they clearly dislike each other, though, like yours, they are nothing but polite to each other!

My DF lives with us at the moment and whenever DP's mum and step dad come round, he goes and hides in his bedroom!
Luckily my mum and DP's mum have never met, I can imagine the atmosphere....my mum is currently living with a female partner, and is a strident 2nd wave feminist, DP's mum is so traditional it hurts!

In your position I know I would arrange two completely seperate things, it's that tension, it's bloody stressful isn't it?
When DS was born we specifically organised visits so they never overlap, I think both sets of parents are secretly grateful for this!

airforsharon · 01/03/2016 10:08

OP do your PIL know your parents will be there on Sunday?

shovetheholly · 01/03/2016 10:10

I think some people are missing the point...

Sunday is inconvenient and stressful for the OP
There is a DC who is struggling to adjust to the new addition, and already under stress - so adding more stress may be upsetting
PIL can EASILY come at other times. It's just that they'd have to miss a gym class or a regular lunch with friends just this once to do so.

In the circumstances, I think the PIL are clearly being selfish. They're not willing to rearrange a tennis game to see their new grandchild - and they're willing to inflict an awful lot of stress on the OP so that they are not inconvenienced.

BadDoGooder · 01/03/2016 10:10

Oh and contratulations on the new arrival! Don't let the PiL situation stress you out!

isupposeitsverynice · 01/03/2016 10:12

We have a set of grandparents who are allegedly super busy. The truth is that they are not at all too busy to visit, we are just low on their list of priorities. Which is fine, but then you are not entitled to whine that you don't see much of us. Tell them you've already booked lunch somewhere and because of mother's day there is no scope to change the booking, sorry, how about next weekend instead.

TanquerayToots · 01/03/2016 10:12

I think I would let them come, I understand it will be stressful but it's just one day and you win serious wife points!

Sometimes, not necessarily in this case, there seems to be a train of thought that the mother's parents trump the father's parents when it comes to newborn visiting, but your DC is grandchild to both sets of parents. It seems a little unfair that your DPs get the whole weekend visiting the new GC but your DHs parents are not allowed to visit for 1 day. I do understand how you feel but also feel for your DH, he probably can't wait to show his parents his new baby.

chillycurtains · 01/03/2016 10:16

Tanqueray I think you have misread some of the OP. The PIL are not being prevented from visiting. They live closer and are using excuses such as missing a keep fit class from visiting on a day convenient to the OP.

OnlyLovers · 01/03/2016 10:17

you win serious wife points!

What on earth are those? Smiling sweetly while letting your opinion be trampled? No thanks.

The DH's parents are 'allowed' to visit; it's just that this day, out of all the days they could potentially visit, is not ideal; and they could easily come any other time, by the sounds of it, if they weren't so busy with their essential weekly lunches and tennis sessions.

honeyrider · 01/03/2016 10:18

I think YABVU and you seem under the influence of your parents especially your mother letting their dislike of your PILs influence your decision added to which you resent your MIL because she looks after your DNs. Your parents will be with you for 3 nights yet you're being very unfair to your DH about his parents. Both sets of grandparents learning to "suck it up" will have benefits for everyone involved especially the grandchildren.

ricketytickety · 01/03/2016 10:22

Dh should support you and say that your parents are there that day and he would like his parents to come another day.

He could feed their egos a bit by saying he'd like them to have his full attention, so he can cook them a nice lunch and they'd have somewhere to sit and full access to their grandchild rather than having to share with your parents. Make it sound beneficial to them and stroke their egos. Rather than saying 'no' which would just wind someone unreasonable up and feed into their need for coming out on top.

TanquerayToots · 01/03/2016 10:23

No, it's a joke, obviously. I didn't suggest anywhere the OPs opinions should be trampled on.

I just feel both sets of parents should be treated equally and if the OPs parents are there all weekend to meet the new GC the ILs should be allowed to meet them too. What they do with the rest of their time is not really relevant, they are entitled to their own lives.

I am saying all this whilst appreciating how stressful it is to have a newborn and another child and I do understand how the OP must be feeling.

OnlyLovers · 01/03/2016 10:28

No, I know you didn't say that, but the idea of 'winning' 'points' for doing something you really don't want to do very much suggests that the OP should put up and shut up, as does the fact that the DH originally ignored her 'nudging him firmly in the ribs' and said his parents could come round.

And again, the PILs are not being 'not allowed' to meet the baby. They could come at any other point except this specific weekend. Yes, they're entitled to their lives, but the OP is also entitled to have a say in when people come to visit.

Apart from anything else, it sounds impractical to have them all there at the same time, with not enough chairs and not much space. Wouldn't it just be nicer, tension aside, to have them round separately and all be able to sit down?

Only1scoop · 01/03/2016 10:32

Lunch out don't have them all at your house.

Then it will hopefully just be a couple of hours rather than a whole day!!

TanquerayToots · 01/03/2016 10:33

It's just a jokey saying my H and I use, I don't keep an actual score card all the time

It probably would be impractical but I am only going on experience, I made sure that my parents and my ILs all met the GCs on the same day so there was never any 'they met them first, they got to spend more time with them' nonsense.

My ILs are certifiably insane though so my feelings may be coloured by this!

OnlyLovers · 01/03/2016 10:35

I made sure that my parents and my ILs all met the GCs on the same day

Up to you. The OP doesn't want to do that though.

whatevva · 01/03/2016 10:35

Buy a load of quiche and salad and stuff from waitrose/ocado and get it delivered. Then they can all 'make' lunch, clear up (good if they can be a bit competitive about clearing up , go for a walk in the park with the toddler etc. Gives them something to do and you can get it over with.

We did it when PIL were staying and DPs brought DGM in the early stages of dementia , two brothers and a sister for the weekend (staying in hotel, thankfully) to see DTDs.

TanquerayToots · 01/03/2016 10:40

I didn't want to either, but it was important to my husband so we compromised. The OPs H seems to want to, so a compromise should try to be reached, that's all I'm saying.

Maybe the idea of the OPs parents popping out for a couple of hours while the ILs visit is the best one.

OnlyLovers · 01/03/2016 10:41

The only compromise that would work with the space and not-getting-on issues would be for them to visit in 'shifts', I think, and not be in the same room for too long!

Original poster

puglife15 · 01/03/2016 10:41

To the posters who say the PIL complain they never see GCs - spot on!

We have visited PIL twice already this year and have them visit us once, they usually stay over 1 or 2 nights, that is fine. I never try to prevent them from seeing us or anything and get on reasonably with them, in fact it is usually DH who gets annoyed/upset with them more.

My parents are further away so we see them a lot less, so when they visit they tend to come for a few days. They arranged this visit before the conversation with PILs, DH forgot my parents were coming this weekend so told them it was fine... I then dug him in the ribs and said my parents will be here so they know that. My parents don't know that DH has said his parents can come at the same time.

It was Pil's idea, not ours, that they would just drop in for the day rather than stay over as they don't want to miss one of their social engagements. I would actually prefer if they came for a bit longer and stayed over, at a quieter time where they might be happy entertaining DC1 or cuddling DC2 for a bit and they tend to unclench after a few hours as well. In terms of what us best for DC1, obviously having GPs who love him around as much as poss would be ideal and spreading the visits out would allow him to have more quality time with them.

If I asked my parents to come at another time they probably would, but we could do with a bit of support asap (DC2 is unputdownable as he has reflux and is too underweight for a bouncy chair etc) and yes, I do begrudge asking them to change their plans to fit around MIL's fucking gym class.

No family have met DC2 yet. In fact no one has, unless you count the midwives and our neighbours in passing.

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 01/03/2016 10:45

MIL represents almost everything my parents despise

To be honest, your parents don't come out of this smelling of roses.

WhoaCadburys · 01/03/2016 10:48

Noooo - enjoy your first Mother's Day as mum of two with just your parents if your MIL doesn't prioritise your DH.

Send her an enormous bouquet of flowers that she can show to her fitness/lunch cronies and she will be happy but the sound of it.

shovetheholly · 01/03/2016 10:49

Not everyone's parents get along. My BIL's partner has a lovely mother, who is very sweet, quiet and shy. Almost certainly pathologically so. In laws, however, are domineering, bullying, and overbearing and very, very loud. In the circumstances, it would be very stressful and unfair to BIL's partner's mother to have them in the same room.

Original poster

puglife15 · 01/03/2016 10:53

The other thing is that friends will want to visit soon, and as they're at work will prob want to come at the weekend when my parents are here too. So we will need to manage that as well.

Thank you to the posters who get it.

Oh and DH couldn't give a shiny shit who meets DC when and who is first, nor could I. PIL met dc1 first, and anyway MIL thinks that you don't have the same relationship with your sons children as you do your daughter's so probably thinks my mum should meet them first!

OP posts:

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