Re PIL meeting newborn?

[puglife15]

DC2 was born last week, PIL are on holiday and get back in 2 days.

My DPs are visiting this weekend on Friday and staying until Monday (they live much further away). They know one of their main roles while they are here is to spend time with DC1 (or allow us to) as he is struggling with the adjustment.

PIL asked to visit on Sunday, just for the day as "otherwise they don't know when they can fit it in". PIL are retired and the sort of thing MIL reeled off she couldn't possibly miss to visit her grandchild from her diary included a keep fit class, playing tennis, and lunch with friends she sees every week.

DH said Sunday was fine to them despite me nudging him firmly in the ribs.

I don't want PIL to visit on Sunday. My parents don't get on with them at all (I would say actively dislike each other but polite in person) and our house will feel crowded and tense as a result - we don't have enough seats for 6 adults in our living room for example.

I also think if they can't bear the thought of missing a bloody aerobics class to visit their grandchild for the first time then why should we go out of our way to accommodate them?

AiBU to tell DH to ask them to come another day when my parents aren't here?

pottering

"To be honest, your parents don't come out of this smelling of roses"

The comment is probably fair based on what I've said although my assessment of my parents is probably unfair.

MIL is, I don't know how to put this nicely, an extremely snobbish social climber, who is impressed by status and concerned only with what other people think of her standing.

We incl DH fall below her standards as we are not doctors / lawyers / wealthy landowners / famous and I am not "society" posh.

To give you a few examples, they once told us they met a lovely couple on holiday but decided not keep in touch as he was a gardener and she a housekeeper. MIL can't bear hearing a Midlands accent with a broad A when "they're not even northerners" and doesn't understand why people can't just talk correctly. (My Mum has this accent). She has taken the piss out of me for referring to the evening meal as dinner rather than supper. She told me we'd better not get married in a hotel as that would be ghastly and common. Apart from this side of her, a touch of narcissism and her belittling of DH, she is quite nice.

My parents are virtually socialists and probably reverse snobs, don't care who people are and what they do although my mum winces that some of her friends vote blue which is just as bad really

Is your mil
Hyacinth Bucket??

You have your parents coming for 3 days, your husband has agreed his parents can come for a day which is perfectly reasonable for him to do, its his home too.

granny, yes, it's reasonable, it's just THAT PARTICULAR day that isn't going to work very well, for various reasons.

It's not that hard to understand, is it? The two lots of parents don't mix well and the house isn't really big enough.

We incl DH fall below her standards as we are not doctors / lawyers / wealthy landowners / famous and I am not "society" posh

A friend had PIL like this. They only ever 'popped in' (with the car engine running) to deliver occasional presents for birthdays etc. A blessing in some ways.

YANBU. Your DH clearly ignored you so he can phone them back and say "sorry, I got it wrong, Sunday doesn't work for us". There are plenty of other days to choose from, they are just being bloody awkward. I remember MIL had booked a holiday around my due date, she made a 'joke' about me having the baby at a time she could visit because of her holiday, which was obviously more important than her first GC. She went on about 3 foreign holidays a year plus numerous UK trips. I saw where her priorities were straight away. We don't pander to when she is free (which she tries), I make sure she fits in around us as she showed us early on that we are not a priority in her life at all, and DH is probably her more favoured child!

Are you me?!?!

Seriously, our families are exactly like this. I spent most of my wedding trying to protect my DP from PIL so I think I can say with some certainty that I know exactly the stress that you will be facing on Sunday. Don't do it to yourself!

The thing is, with PIL the snobbery is so ingrained that it's not like they even think of it as social aggression (which is what it is). They have that kind of absolutely faith that what they believe is right, and any differences of taste or manners are a sad departure from the correct standards, not part of life's multiplicity and diversity. There is no hinting to them that it might just not be polite to tell someone else how to live their life!

for you. Trust your gut instinct!

Can you (or rather your DH!) deflect them by framing it as a question of DC1's needs rather than the fact it will be a nightmare to host them all together?

As in what you've already said here about DC1 struggling to deal with the new arrival and so might get overwhelmed by both sets of GPs at once, especially given that's not the norm, and that he would benefit more from a proper visit later on from them.

Might just work... (Although it doesn't sound like they're really the kind of GPs who are that bothered about their DGC's needs, tbh!) Just a more diplomatic way of phrasing it than the truth.

Would it be rude to play PIL Bingo with your parents?

OP, you've said you'll have friends that want to visit at the same time as your parents, so there's space for your parents and your friends but not your parents and in laws? I'm sorry I know it's not easy but I'd honestly just let them come over and meet their grandchild, even if it's just a quick visit, do they do quick visits?
It's difficult when you have a new baby and everyone wants to meet them but I think it's a little bit unreasonable to say no space for in laws and then have your friends over.

We've just had inlaws, my mum and our very lovely friends with us on Sunday. Everyone polite but no-one would choose to be in the room together I was quite stressed by it initially but the time flew by and it wasn't bad at all (wouldn't repeat but wasn't as bad as I thought it would be).

I'd chat to your parents as I'm presuming they're coming down Friday or Saturday. Maybe they might like to take DS1 out somewhere (indoor soft play etc) or indeed go out for a few hours by themselves. They'll see plenty of you on the other days, and they might well be happy to do this to make things a bit easier on Sunday.

I understand not wanting to cross the streams but if DH wants to see his parents then you need a minimising plan. Lunch out, picnic style lunch in (eat on laps). If the weather is fine, get everyone out for a walk to the park after lunch.

Don't have your friends visit if they're local, they can come anytime. It seems particularly unfair to have your friends over but say 'no room' to the inlaws.

Chamonix well my friends, who are brilliant, would probably drop a care package and run (some already have done exactly that without setting eyes on baby) so not really the same as a PIL visit, but what I meant is that we will already potentially be fielding visits from other people too in addition to managing both sets of parents. and that PIL can easily visit during the week

Okay, but if they're just going to drop something off for baby/you and leave it's not really anything to juggle alongside in laws visits.
Your in laws don't sound easy, they sounds like mine in fact and I have a very very fractured relationship with them but still went out of my way so they could see their grandchild (to be fair they were itching to see her!) you can't change them that's who they are and they do sound wrapped up in their own world; but I think for the fact of just being reasonably fair I'd let them come visit briefly, I'm sure your parents and dh's can make small talk an hour.

Update - DH gently suggested maybe they come at another time so they can enjoy more quality time with us all...

They were very happy to change, in fact would have proposed it themselves had we not, as DH's sister had since said she was keen to visit them at the weekend. (And DH/ our family comes bottom of the pile again it seems, except this time it works for us).

Now they are almost certainly going to visit on the day after my parents leave when DC1 is at nursery, so we will probably have to keep it a secret from him to stop him feeling even more left out, and selfishly we won't benefit from having a spare pair of hands around so we can spend precious one on one time with DC1 ourselves (not that I'd expect them to be much practical help anyway).

Still, we will have had lots of grandparent action from my DPs by then and at least we won't have to juggle both sets at the same time or go for a mother's day meal

Great result then

That's painful for you and your DH, result or not. Set your expectations very low with these people so they can't keep disappointing you [voice of bitter experience].

Well in some ways that isn't too bad if they might have made your oldest feel left out.

Perhaps he can leave nursery early to see them?

Did they know that your parents would be there?

If so I don't think it's that bad that they have changed their plans tbh.

It's better all round.

No it is really good, I'm much happier and it sounds like they will be here long enough to see both DC, in a way ideal as they can coo over baby while older DC is at nursery without it risking upsetting him. (Obviously he needs to get used to baby getting attention eventually!)

I think I was mid- baby blues when they initially made arrangements too so I was extra annoyed. It was good to vent anyway ;)