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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel a bit upset about this present?

108 replies

HeyMacWey · 29/02/2016 09:16

Background:I have moderate to severe cfs/me and as a result am housebound a lot of the time.

Pil came round last week to give me a birthday present: a water bottle and this book.

Cure

Aibu to be a bit upset that they think I can cure me/cfs by drinking a bit more water and thinking positively? You wouldn't do the same to someone who has cancer

Despite having this bastarding illness I always look on the positive side of life and try and see the best in everything - get joy from little things so it's not like I'm depressed and need help with overcoming mild depression.

Pil don't come round that often as I'm too ill to cope with the sensory overload - I can only really have one visitor a week as it really exhausts me to have to think and speak and listen. I think they've got the hump that they can't come round as often to see the dc's as they did before I fell ill.

So Aibu to send these unwanted presents off to the charity shop and maybe get dh to tactfully suggest that they might want to read up a bit more about the illness?

OP posts:

fleurdelacourt · 29/02/2016 10:37

YANBU but as everyone has said, cancer sufferers fo get this kind of nonsense too -my Mum was repeatedly told by well-meaning friends that it was 'mind over matter'.... and she was given books on healthy eating - like that would cure her......

Original poster

HeyMacWey · 29/02/2016 10:38

That's the thing - I'm not looking for a cure - I've accepted the illness after trying a squillion and one ways to cure it.
I pace carefully and now have some quality of life. It's not the life I had before but for now it's the life I have.

I think in a way they'd prefer it if I was really depressed or asked them more for help but I feel I've got finally got some balance and aren't lurching between boom and bust.

OP posts:

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 10:40

That's great HeyMac it's always better when you find your own balance and stop exopecting from yourself to do things you can't do :(:(

LoveBoursin · 29/02/2016 10:41

Sorry It was supposed to be :):):)

Not sure how I could be sad for you finding some quality of life !!

MrsJayy · 29/02/2016 10:43

Thats the thing with life limiting conditions you need to find your balance and to outsiders our balance can seem odd so they bombard us with advice and hotwater bottles.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 29/02/2016 10:47

someone sent my cancer riddled friend some homeopathic links

she dies 2 weeks later as her lungs collapsed , or that horse sized morphine- god knows...

but had she taken that herbal oil

I know they "mean well" buit it basically makes ill ppl feel guilty. not useful

ZiggyFartFace · 29/02/2016 10:54

Sorry you've got such a shit present. Have some flowers instead .

People do say the strangest things when you are ill. I had cancer a few years ago and my DF sent me a cutting from the Telegraph about some berries which had cured someone of cancer. Yeah, right.

A friend of a friend gave me a lift home after my DH got caught in traffic. She spent twenty minutes explaining what I should do to treat the cancer. It involved reiki, berries (but different ones from my Dad's recommendation), and positive thinking. I nearly fucking killed her.

I failed to try either berry and opted for surgery.

caitlinohara · 29/02/2016 10:56

I agree with LoveBoursin that it's unreasonable to jump to conclusions about people's motives. There are lots of examples of passive aggressiveness on here but I don't see why you would assume that to be the case for the OP.

And with the whole cancer thing - yes it's ridiculous to assume that you can beat terminal cancer by changing your diet and thinking positively. But both things might help you to enjoy the time you have left more. When my MIL was going through chemo I made her smoothies and soups packed with all manner of stuff, not because I thought it would make her better, but because it was all she could keep down and I hoped it might give her a bit more energy to appreciate the last few weeks more.

HeyMacWay I think your dh should have a word with your pil and give them some practical ways they could help. It sounds to me like they want to.

DreamCloud99 · 29/02/2016 11:00

I have ME too.

And the shite that people spout at you on how to cure it is incredulous !

I was told I'll be fine if I get a good nights sleep

I was also told it's not even classed as a real illness

Your symptoms of moderate to severe sound exactly like mine .

A little off topic , but do you work op?

Have you managed to claim PIP? I have just finished filling out the form and I'm dreading the interview as I look fine - but they don't see the huge impact this has on my life .

limitedperiodonly · 29/02/2016 11:00

Sometimes people who do this kind of thing don't mean well - to you, that is. They are trying to offload the 'fault' for your illness onto you so they don't have to feel a bit guilty about not really giving a shit about you.

If only you followed their advice and thought positively in end-stage cancer and just tried a bit more to paint on a smile and not be so bloody depressing, you wouldn't worry them. If you really cared about them you wouldn't want to cause them worry would you? When you think about it that way, you're the selfish one.

I have someone like that in my life.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 11:01

Seeing someone that you love sick can be very distressing and you do things that you feel might help in order to feel proactive. It is often a case of clutching at straws, doesn't help the sick person and the thoughts/energy could be channeled in a way that does help. Crap present, don't take it personally and as one person said let them know what will be of use to you.

theycallmemellojello · 29/02/2016 11:02

Terrible gift. I don't think positive thinking is quite in crystals cure cancer territory but unsolicited health advice is just intrusive and liable to offend. I'd presume it was well intentioned but yes of course it was not their place. However, it does seem a bit off to say that they have 'got the hump' about not seeing their gcs as often as they used to! In a bit shocked at that turn of phrase actually. Of course that will be dreadfully upsetting for them. And I'm not sure that it's great that your illness intervenes in your kids' relationship with their grandparents. Can your dh not take them over to his parents' house, or they come over and you stay in the bedroom?

helzapoppin2 · 29/02/2016 11:12

Move it on, ASAP! Recycling or charity shop. Don't even hide it in a drawer. That's what I do with all upsetting stuff, and it's true, out of sight, out of mind! It's insensitive gift, but a lot of people just don't understand.

Original poster

HeyMacWey · 29/02/2016 11:15

Have pm'd you dreamcloud

Yes is firmly in the charity shop pile. Although may well bin it to avoid someone else receiving an ill intentioned gift :o

OP posts:

ljny · 29/02/2016 11:22

I know they "mean well" buit it basically makes ill ppl feel guilty.

Ah, but it makes the gift-giver feel better, they can delude themselves about mind over matter and deny real suffering .

It's a particularly pernicious form of victim blaming, as it's dressed up in airy-fairy passive-aggressive pretense of claiming to help.

Wankers.

Katemustsew · 29/02/2016 11:22

Don't charity shop it, shred it!

VestalVirgin · 29/02/2016 11:29

I should just take it with a pinch of salt - they read the daily mail so she probably read about it in there.

Exactly that. SALT water is what cures everything!

Just joking.

I'm a believer in alternative healing methods, especially via diet, as there's tons of evidence for that ... but that book seems phony. Blaming people for causing their own cancer by "suppressing feelings" or whatever ... Oo.

WonderingAspie · 29/02/2016 11:32

I have ME/CFS too. What a bag of shite present.

I suggest Chronic Fatigue Syndrome For Dummies for their next present. Educate them a bit .

If I could think myself well, I would have done it by now. I spend ages thinking I don't really have it (even now there are times when I think they must be wrong and it's been 14 years).

glueandstick · 29/02/2016 11:34

Don't shred it!

Rip it page by page and burn.

Perhaps I'm just a little tetchy being massively pregnant (over pregnant) (and I'm always grumpy here. It seems to be somewhere good to let it all out and not in the real world) but when I was struggling with the pregnancy and feeling at the depths of the deepest ocean I made the mistake of talking to people. You're always told that it'll help right? Well the useful information I was given was 'I should be grateful to be having a baby as others can't' 'if I was unhappy it would damage the child' and 'it'll be the best thing you ever do. You just need to appreciate it' (funnily none of that helped)

People try and make everything ok because then they don't have to deal with it. Like you're an inconvenience or feel helpless and think it'll put it right.

I'm not sure it's malice. It's just being stupid and projecting their own issues on to you.

So I still would burn it just to feel better.

expatinscotland · 29/02/2016 11:39

'This way of looking at the world might not be the one you have but it doesn't allow you to insult people who have a different outlook on life.'

Some people have the outlook on life that their raison d'etre is to kill anyone who doesn't believe the brand of faith they do. Some people have the outlook on life that women are there to be chattel for men and that some people are born to be their slaves. Some people have the outlook on life that women who dress and act in a certain way bring rape on themselves and deserve it.

And you really think no one is allowed to call that utter fuckwittage and those who subscribe to those 'outlooks on life' fuckwits?

Mmmkay

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 29/02/2016 11:41

It is fuckwittery though. It is the complete inability to appreciate or understand the person with the illness and how they feel and what they think. Or worse it's the kind of stupidity that believes all the clinicians, medical researchers and experts in the world and ignorant and if they only handed out special sugar pills or special berries as the person recommending suggests (that will be the non-qualified, making it up as they go dim wit) all would be will. The stupidity comes from thinking that if this stuff worked it wouldn't be prescribed or recommended by the experts.

limitedperiod is right. It is about shifting blame onto the sick person instead of understanding and recognising that a chronic condition can happen to anyone (barring obvious contributing factors like smoking/malnutrition/radiation or other carcinogen exposure etc etc).

inyurdreams · 29/02/2016 11:43

I think it shows they care.
Why not read the book anyway? There might be something in there that's useful. Even if it's one thing out of the whole book.
Something that might improve your situation a little.

Phalenopsisgirl · 29/02/2016 11:43

As someone who has had great success through complete hokey type treatments I can say they may have really thought you might benefit. Please don't see it as them belittling your symptoms or treating you as though your illness is just in your mind, it isn't BUT you may really really have no idea how damaging your mind can be to your body, it's able to make your body totally out of balance. I think we are only just starting to understand the tip of the iceberg in how much really illness can be caused by chemical imbalance in the mind and body. I'm very pro conventional modern medicine, but this often is based around symptom treating when in fact a more holistic approach can be what's needed. I always used to roll my eyes at the thought that some pressure in your big toe could give you a cough! then I experienced stuff first hand that made me realise there is way more to the human body than we know or understand.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 29/02/2016 11:44

Rip it page by page and burn.

I'd save your energy for something more fun op

inyurdreams · 29/02/2016 11:44

However I think it's wrong for people to give books such as this to people suffering from terminal illness.

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