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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this mum is taking advantage a bit?

86 replies

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 07:42

Ds is 5 and on the way to school i meet up with another mum to walk the 15 min journey. On average 2 to 3 days a week she asks if her dd can walk with me as she has to be at work/go back to bed as she has been on nights/other child is ill/needs to get to an appointment.

At first i was happy to help but now im thinking am i being taken for a mug a bit? She has my phone number and rings me to ask to pick her dd up. Ive stopped answering the phone now.

The thing is i dont know how to say no as we see her on the way to school! I also have a 3yo dd who i need to watch too.

OP posts:

drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 10:13

I do agree with Sonnet that it is very useful indeed to build a support circle, and doing favours for other mothers is massive part of doing that - you could be too ill with flu to get out of bed, or break your ankle, or have to take one DC to an urgent 8.45am doctor's/ hospital apt and need somebody you can call on for a favour...

However this mum does sound a bit as though she is taking the piss if she is not only asking you to take her child when she has to get to work or has just finished a night shift, but also when she wants to go to a market early ...

The "taking the piss" bit is not offering any kind of favours in return. Offering to pay you was fine and reasonable, as was turning down the offer. However where it is a favour ask, the asker needs to do their utmost to offer some kind of similar level favour in return sometimes!

Sounds like the breakfast club and teen sibling have now solved the problem though, so maybe you don't have to worry about an awkward blunt conversation. Why is the update disappointing?

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 10:20

Sorry i meant that there is a breakfast club but she doesnt use it

And by disappointig update i mean there was nothing to report back with :)

There are another couple of mums i meet and we have talked about emergencies and we would help each other out. I see these mums more as friends so i feel like i could ask them for help and i would gladly help them.out once in a while. The mum who the thread is about i was happy to help put originally too.

OP posts:

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 10:21

Sorry for thw spelling errors, on my phone

OP posts:

drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 10:29

Ah sorry, misunderstood the update - thought it was that she is now going to use the breakfast club and the older sibling is going to do pickups.

I do think she is taking advantage if she doesn't offer whatever favours are possible for her in return (so offer to walk your kids on her days off even if you say no - she should offer, and if she knows that won't be useful to you she should offer to have your kids over on her day off sometimes in return for you walking hers to school).

If you don't want to do it though she shouldn't expect you to because walking a 4 yo who isn't good in traffic along with 2 other small kids is a responsibility, not a tiny insignificant thing the way walking a sensible 6/7/8 year old along with your own 6/7/8 yo children would be. Perhaps she will find somebody who is willing to do this task for money or make some reciprocal arrangement, or use the breakfast club - it sounds as though those are options.

pictish · 29/02/2016 10:32

I get you - it's not that taking her dd is any great inconvenience, it's that you resent this person taking advantage of you to please herself. That would annoy me greatly too. 2-3 days a week is a lot. She's being cheeky.

I can see why it's difficult as there no way of putting a stop to it without being 'pointed'. We Brits often recoil from confrontation as a rule so being pointed makes us uneasy.
So it's continue to trot to her tune indefinitely or make. a. point. Argh!

I would start saying, "Not today soz." before disengaging. If she presses the issue be vague and unapologetic. "Too much on." Rinse and repeat.

If that doesn't work you'll have to be straight. "I didn't intend to become a back up plan for the school run, it's just something we seem to have fallen into. It doesn't suit me to carry on. It's nothing personal, I wouldn't make myself available like this to anyone else either. Too much of a bind."

Scone1nSixtySeconds · 29/02/2016 10:37

I am going to be the wet blanket so apologies, but...

Does her DD look well cared for? Does she seem hungry?

Such an effort to be rid of her DD (while thinking breakfast club is too much money) screams neglected child to me.

pictish · 29/02/2016 10:38

I see she has offered to pay you to do it and you've told her no thanks already. This is good. This means you can be straight with her.

Just send her a text explaining that you never intended to be a back up plan and you'd like to bow out. You've made your feelings known so this this would be a natural progression.

OP it's fine, just be honest. Say it's too much of a bind for you and suggest she consider paying someone else who is willing to do it. Pedal it as a good idea. Wish her luck etc...

Done and dusted. Ahhh!

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 10:43

Gosh are women not allowed to work and struggle to do school drop offs and pick ups without someone calling "Neglected child"

Is money not allowed to be so tight that Breakfast club is an added expense and the Mother is trying to find an alternative (even if it is cheeky!)

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 10:46

"Such an effort to be rid of her DD" - maybe so she can get to work on time, take another child to the doctor (Both mentioned up thread by the OP) - doesn't scream "Neglected Child" to me.

just another Mother trying to juggle children and work

Huge Overreaction Scone

drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 10:47

Sonnet I agree the neglect thing is unfounded. Its daft. She is looking for somebody to walk the child to school - that is perfectly responsible.

However if she is not offering any favours in return for the favour she asks 2-3 times every week that is cheeky isn't it? If I need a favour from another mum I make sure I pay it back as soon as I can, that is fair and normal I think.

DontSweatTheSmallStuff · 29/02/2016 10:49

HAve I understood that right? Her 13 year old picks up her 4 yo. Theres no why our local primarys would release a 4 yr old into a 13yr olds care, sibling or not!

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 10:50

Is she a lone parent? She sounds desperate to lighten her load. We all know how appealing an extra 15 minutes in bed is when you are exhausted.

I know someone who did things that made her look like a total piss taker. A few months later she had a complete breakdown. Offloading her child onto others was her way of saying she needed a break. She didn't realize it at the time, I think by that stage her MH was clouding her (usually astute) judgement and she could not see the wood for the trees, so to speak.

pictish · 29/02/2016 10:52

Don't think scone is being working-mumist. I think she'd say it was a concern to consider no matter who the parent was.
Don't be angry.

pictish · 29/02/2016 10:53

I agree this woman may well just be trying to do it all btw.
I still think it's ok for the OP to decline.

TeddTess · 29/02/2016 10:59

she probably thinks "well you're going anyway what difference does another one make?"

which i kind of get
at least she has asked you and offered to pay.

but if you don't want to do it, then just say you like this time with your kids. you don't want to take another child etc. you need to be clear with her. you don't owe her anything.

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 11:01

I agree drinkingTea and I agree she is being cheeky by not offering a favour in return.

Agree totally with your last message Pictish

(disclaimer - I'd probably have taken her DD to school though but totally agree with OP's right not to. OP - you just need to be clear with her so she knows where she stands and can make alterative arrangements)

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 11:08

She definitely does not looked neglected in any way.

She has a younger daughter in pm nursery who also gets picked up by older daughter

The school also let the reception children be picked up by year 7 siblings. One brother who will be 11 or 12 struggles on he walk home with his five year old sister

She has a husband who works full time

OP posts:

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 11:12

So she has 4 children and works?

Sounds like money is tight and she is struggling to juggle TBH

Hope it works out for her.

yumyumpoppycat · 29/02/2016 11:13

This is really difficult, I would prob just do it tbh, or suggest you can do it once a week on a set day to help out but that otherwise it is becoming an extra stress in the mornings and that you are finding it difficult getting to school calmly with your kids in the morning (even if you aren't).

LemonBreeland · 29/02/2016 11:14

Our school has a clear policy of no under 16s collecting children.

Sonnet even if she is struggling it is not the OPs issue.

yumyumpoppycat · 29/02/2016 11:18

the stressful part being that it is frequent but unpredictable and you potentially need to get out of the house a bit earlier to collect her daughter and also 3 v young children on a 15 minute walk.

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 11:20

I do know that Lemon - and have said so up thread. Just because I show some sympathy for a fellow Mum doesn't mean I am suggesting it is the OP's problem. You have read that between the lines of my sympathy as I have said (twice) that I understand the OP doesn't want to become involved and also that the Mother is cheeky asking her.

WonderingAspie · 29/02/2016 11:23

Tbh, she isn't paying out that much in child care if 3 of her children are school age so she should be a parent to her own children and pay for breakfast/after school club. They aren't that expensive. I hate it when people just take the piss because they want to save themselves money or its more convenient for them. I was asked by a relative to do a days childcare every week, free, just to save them money. I'm at home as I am unable to work, not because I want to be!

As a favour to a friend, I took her 2 to school for a couple of days recently, no problem, she is a friend and it was a one off. I found adding 2 more children to the walk quite stressful plus I like the time with my children so YADNBU to not want to do it anyway, I wouldn't want to either.

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 11:24

I dont go to the house i see her at the end of my road as she comes from another direction. She asks me then and there if she can come with me, then either walks 20 paces to the bus stop or turns round to go home

OP posts:

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 11:27

Just tell her Cardboard next time she asks - it is stressful walking 3 young ones to school and a dreadful responsibility because of the roads. I would just be honest and say it is too much for you so you would rather she didn't ask you. - Good luck :)

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