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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this mum is taking advantage a bit?

86 replies

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 07:42

Ds is 5 and on the way to school i meet up with another mum to walk the 15 min journey. On average 2 to 3 days a week she asks if her dd can walk with me as she has to be at work/go back to bed as she has been on nights/other child is ill/needs to get to an appointment.

At first i was happy to help but now im thinking am i being taken for a mug a bit? She has my phone number and rings me to ask to pick her dd up. Ive stopped answering the phone now.

The thing is i dont know how to say no as we see her on the way to school! I also have a 3yo dd who i need to watch too.

OP posts:

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 08:11

Thank you all for your replies, school run time in 20 minutes so i will comeback with an update

OP posts:

NNalreadyinuse · 29/02/2016 08:12

I honestly don't understand these parents who cba to take their own kids to school and will just palm them off on any passing parent. My dc always really liked the little chats we had on the way to and from school. Her kids are missing out on that.

You really do have to speak up if you don't want to do it. Tell her your kids have asked if it can just be them or tell her you don't want to take responsibility for additional children. Don't worry about offending her - people who are piss takers never worry about offending you. She is relying on your innate politeness in order to get what she wants.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/02/2016 08:13

As an aside I find it extraordinary anyone would want to do this. She's just 4! I gave up my career to have the chance to walk my dc to school.

fuzzpig · 29/02/2016 08:16

yanbu

notapizzaeater · 29/02/2016 08:20

I'd say fine, you can take them tomorrow even if o didn't. Mean it just the threat might make her stop and think

diddl · 29/02/2016 08:24

Awaits update!

I also wouldn't go for the taking turns as something is more than likely going to happen to make her turns yours!

Grapejuicerocks · 29/02/2016 08:32

I'd be blunt now and say "remember that I didn't want you paying me to take her to school because I didn't want the extra responsibility, well i seem to be doing it too often anyway so I'm going to have to say no from now on. I didn't want to do it for payment so I certainly don't want to do it for free."

MiaowTheCat · 29/02/2016 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SquinkiesRule · 29/02/2016 08:45

Waiting to see what happens today.

StealthPolarBear · 29/02/2016 08:45

Can't believe she is expecting morning and afternoon!

notquitegrownup2 · 29/02/2016 08:56

Oh I am soooo glad my two are older now.

OP your reply of 'I will take her today but please don't ask any more as its hard enough getting to school with my own two' is fine. It's clear, to the point and it is kind to someone who is obviously struggling to manage childcare and work. Not every school offers wrap around care - ours didn't and trying to work, be a reliable employee, and do the school run was one of the hardest parts of those 5 years or so, particularly if you have no family or support nearby.

This mum offered to pay you, so is obviously keen to get arrangements in place. Why not suggest that she places an ad in the school newsletter, offering the same - she might not have thought of this and it would solve her problem, plus someone might be grateful for the extra money.

DaffyDodo · 29/02/2016 09:02

It seems to me that she just doesn't know that you mind. I can see why you do, but equally, if it's not out of your way then and you don't protest then it's easy to see why she wouldn't think that. I don't think it's fair to label her - I don't know anything about the woman - but could it be possible that she is working nights or having to deal with other stuff? My ds's friends mum is always asking me last minute to look after her boy - I barely know her but I don't mind at all. If she asked me to walk them to school then ds would be delighted as he loves hanging out with his friend and is always happy when I agree to look after his friend.

I would agree with the other poster who just said that you need to be upfront and just say, "I'm sorry, I don't mind taking her occasionally but in the mornings I like having time with just my kids and we can't make this a regular thing." I know it's not the easiest thing to do but we all have to learn to say no and it's better than building up resentment against someone who most probably thinks you are a really great person for helping her out all the time.

treaclesoda · 29/02/2016 09:05

I can't honestly believe that any mature adult would think that someone is perfectly happy to do the school run for them every day without any sort of reciprocal arrangement. What sort of person would be so clueless as to think that someone else is happy to do something for them when they never offer to do anything in return? Or when they have already turned down the opportunity to be paid to do exactly the same thing?

expatinscotland · 29/02/2016 09:07

'One time she couldnt get to me on the phone to pick her dd up so she rang school to give them permission to let her go with me...without asking me first!'

'Look, a while back you offered to pay me to do drop offs and pick ups. I declined because I don't want to be tied down. You are still expecting me to do this and it's not on. You need to make other arrangements.'

treaclesoda · 29/02/2016 09:10

Actually I worded that badly. Loads of people do things without expecting something in return. I don't expect a favour in return every time I do something for someone else.

But the difference is when the person has offered to do it of their own accord.

dolkapots · 29/02/2016 09:13

She's just 4! I gave up my career to have the chance to walk my dc to school.

Sorry, but I just did an epic eye roll at the above. It is well and good that you could afford to do this, but the vast majority of WOHP's probably cannot give up their career for the sake of a 10 minute walk.

OP it seems that she is majorly taking the mic, however when I read the fact that she offered to pay you and she works a lot it made me feel that she could be quite desperate for sleep? It does not excuse her but softened my reaction to the situation. I think you will just have to be very frank with her and explain that for safety reasons you cannot do it.

SaucyJack · 29/02/2016 09:20

Actually, I'm warming to her now you've said that she offered to pay you to do it. She doesn't sound like that much of a pisstaker tbh- just a desperate shift worker.

You just need to be honest with her, and give her a friendly kick up the bum to get proper, paid childcare in place.

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 09:27

Disappointing update
She walked her to school herself this morning!
School have a breakfat club from 8 and after school club till 6, when ive mentioned that before she said oh but its so expensive.

I dont drive so that one is out of he question

Her 13 year old dd does the pick ups now so im safe from that one

I can see that she probably thinks i dont mind doing it and i just majorly need to toughen up and tell her again!

I know she has a driving test coming up so fingers crossed she passes :)

OP posts:

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 09:28

Dont warm to her too much, a while bsvk she asked me to take her to school so she could get to a market early!

OP posts:

NickiFury · 29/02/2016 09:30

It really wouldn't bother me if all I had to do was take her on a journey I was doing anyway. It would if I had to detour to do it but you say that's not happening. However I am a big fan of not doing things I don't want to so would tell her straight.

Original poster

cardboardboxx · 29/02/2016 09:34

School are noy even doing anything for world book day!!

OP posts:

drinkingtea · 29/02/2016 09:42

You'll have to be clear with her and say you need a hand for each of your kids.

I was going to say why not just let the kid walk with you, if you are not actually inconvenienced by it, but I can see why an extra 4 year old who is not reliable near roads would make a pleasant walk stressful as you already have a 3 and a 5 yo.

Sonnet · 29/02/2016 10:05

I don't think she is cheeky TBH - just trying to juggle lots of things.

Please be honest and say you don't want to do it rather than hiding behind passive aggressive comments. It is okay for you to say No and its hard being put in the position you are.

You may want to think about something though - it is often a good thing having someone you can ask to take your DS to school in an emergency such as you or your other DC not being well. You have many years ahead of the school run and a mutually helpful circle of other Mothers can help a lot. I found this to my advantage when involved in school runs many years ago. (disclaimer my DC are much older and independent now)

FairiesAreReal · 29/02/2016 10:08

One time she couldnt get to me on the phone to pick her dd up so she rang school to give them permission to let her go with me...without asking me first!

Uhh! I used to have this with one cheeky cow mother, I used to get to the school to pick-up my DD and the child would tell me that I was taking her home

Nip it in the bud or it will get worse.

FairNotFair · 29/02/2016 10:10

Oh, OP, I was full of sympathy for you until your update: School are noy even doing anything for world book day

Now I'm actually jealous of you.

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