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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want to spend whole of Mother's Day with MIL?

84 replies

Makesmewanttomovemyfeet · 28/02/2016 17:41

There is a long history with MIL but to cut a long story short I find her very unpredictable, hugely offensive at times, she very much needs to be the centre of attention and basically this makes me anxious around her and unable to relax and enjoy myself. DH has been hinting that he has something really special planned for Mother's Day for me and DS and I was really excited. But recently asked me if PIL can join us for the full day and since he's asked that I've been dreading it rather than looking forward to it. I know MIL is his mother and therefore he wants to include her in the day but AIBU to suggest we have dinner the night before or brunch with MIL and then go off for our thing as a family afterwards? I think DH will be disappointed as he desperately wants me and his mum to be close but I don't think I will enjoy it or look forward to it if she's there. What do other people do for Mother's Day? Do the grandmothers come with you too?

OP posts:
Pannacott · 28/02/2016 19:54

Wolpertinger in her first post, put very clearly the conversation you should have with your partner. He keeps trying to push you and MIL together, and he needs to see that in fact he is pushing you further apart. He also needs to develop his relationship with her without you - can you get to the bottom of why he always wants you there?

Thymeout · 28/02/2016 19:55

I don't think he needs Op to hold his hand. But if it's an occasion, like Mother's Day, and she doesn't come with him, his DM will think Op is avoiding her. And she will be right.

Original poster
Makesmewanttomovemyfeet · 28/02/2016 20:03

Some people think I'm suggesting DH shouldn't see MIL at all for Mother's Day so I just wanted to clarify that that's not the case. In the OP I said we could do brunch with MIL I'm just requesting a few hours to myself with DC and DH as I find time with MIL stressful. But I wouldn't stop DH from seeing her.

OP posts:
Onthedowns · 28/02/2016 20:08

I had similar issue few weeks ago, I was shot down by most people. I am 35 weeks pregnant with 4 year old too and I don't think your being unreasonable about time as a family. I don't see why Mother's Day is a generational issue a mother is a mother whatever age. I don't want to spend all day with my mil either and it's not grandmothers day so my dd won't be either. We are still deciding what to do, I don't think your own mum or mil trumps your partner either . There needs to be fairness all round

ProcrastinatorGeneral · 28/02/2016 20:09

Your husband needs to grow a pair of balls and go see his mum on his own. She's not your mother, so it's not your duty to go pay homage to her.

Original poster
Makesmewanttomovemyfeet · 28/02/2016 20:35

I asked him again about why he doesn't go to see her on his own ever and he just said he 'doesn't know. It's a family activity isn't it.' I suggested that his mum might like to see him on his own now and then and that my mum likes it as we can talk about things that we don't discuss in front of men. So then he accused me of talking about him to my mum Hmm think he's just trying to dodge the question. ThymeOut has a point tho. I wouldn't want to aggravate the situation any further. So it'd probably be best if the first time he goes on his own is not an event so that it's not misinterpreted.

Anyway I've told him that I don't want to spend the whole day with PIL but suggested spending the morning with them. Hes okay with it but disappointed me and his mum aren't close. So I explained to him that me and his mum are fine. we are polite and pleasant when we see each other. We are just not close. and that by trying to force us to be closer he was making it a bigger issue than it needs to be.

OP posts:
Bluebolt · 28/02/2016 20:36

I am in the camp that mother day is for the older generation, I find it very uncomfortable if DP even acknowledges me as a mother other than helping DCs with gifts. I am not his mother and it would creep me out if he saw me in this way, and if he needed a day to show his appreciation of me being the mother of his children then I would be extremely angry as this should be every day and vice versa.

Titsywoo · 28/02/2016 20:40

I hate this idea that our mothers should have the day be all about them when we are mothers ourselves. We pop in and see our mums and give them a gift and a card then do our own thing. My mum encourages this which is good, MIL is ok with it I think. Last year we got them a voucher for afternoon with me and DD at a posh afternoon tea in London which we did a month or so later.

Wolpertinger · 28/02/2016 20:50

Well you've made a start Makes Smile

I think you are right, it's the first time. But you can slowly introduce the idea that you have a relationship with your mum that involves long chats just the two of you, that clearly he doesn't have with his mum, that you don't want to lose and it's OK for you both to operate your relationships in different ways. But that his mum is his mum and it's a bit odd to think that you will suddenly be as close to her as he is - after all you have a mum and he probably isn't that close to your mum. if he is then that confirms that his mum is horrid

And from now on get him to organize all meetings/cards/presents related to his mum while you organize those with yours. Chances are he's crap at it and you've been doing all the organizing for both of you as this is classic wifework.

NewLife4Me · 28/02/2016 20:56

I don't see why there is such a fuss about these things tbh.

Some mothers days spend them with your kids, others with kids and dh, others with pil, others with own mother.

We have done a mix of all these things over the years, depending on age of dc too.
When they are older it's nice to have time with just the kids, before this with Dad's help, maybe or a Mum or friend.

Sometimes, you have to put yourself out a bit and the following year do what you want.
I'll be spending mother's day with mil and I'm glad.
I wish I could be with my own mum, but she died.

Make the most of the older mums whilst you have the chance.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/02/2016 20:59

The main problem is that such a lot is expected - its like valentines day and adult non landmark birthdays, and adults having very definite expectations of their perfect Christmas, on which everyone appreciates the effort they have put in and shows it by choosing to spend time with them following all their invented "traditions" and rituals rather than whoever else also believes they should be being chosen and appreciated and indulged, buying them piles of beautifully wrapped expensive tat and telling them how delicious and juicy the dry dull old turkey is, and doing the washing up, even if actually nobody likes turkey or believes that anything significant happened on 25th December a couple of thousand years ago... people get their hopes up and then are almost inevitably disappointed if they are not the centre of attention, but only one person can really be the "centre"...

These "events" are over sold and somebody is always disappointed in order for somebody else to be indulged (but possibly also left in some way resentful)... and the people who do get their way will be insufferably smug about it...

Wolpertinger · 28/02/2016 21:09

Well yes. When I was a child you made a card and your mum had breakfast in bed and that was it. Adults possibly sent Interflora flowers to their mums.

Now it's gone crazy. I don't think its unreasonable for mums actively parenting to think they should be the ones taken out to lunch - but I can also see that the oldies are seeing something that never happened in their generation and want in on it too, and possibly a few matriarchs piling in ready to cause trouble and you have a recipe for family drama.

magpie17 · 28/02/2016 21:40

I never understand how these things get so complex. This year is my first Mother's Day as a mother myself so I (secretly) would like a bit of a fuss made of me by DH as clearly DS us too little. By fuss though, I mean a card and maybe breakfast in bed or something. I am NC with my own 'mother' so she's out of the equation but I do think that MIL should be made a fuss of too. After all, she has been a mother much longer than me and is also helping me to 'mother' my own child by being supportive and helping out. By fuss, again I mean a card and a bunch of flowers or something. Can't everyone have a bit of a fuss? It's not as if you have to spend all day being pampered or something.

WonderingAspie · 28/02/2016 21:52

We don't spend Mothers Day with MIL. She made it quite clear her days of actually being an active mother ended the moment she met a new man her DCs became adults so we don't go out of our way to include her, plus DH has never mentioned he wants to do anything with her. We used to go and see her, if she wasn't out with her DH, only for her to usually make some negative comment about the present, but now the focus is our family. It's the one day of the year DH cooks for me, the DCs like to make a fuss and I don't spend the day picking up after everyone else.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 28/02/2016 21:54

I guess the question is what he expects of Father's Day. If he is likely to want the day to be all about him and him being a Father then I would say that Mother's Day would be mainly about you, with a quick drop in to say hi to MIL. If he thinks it should be about the older generation, your folks in the morning and his in the afternoon then maybe spending more time with her would be reasonable and your mother (with him) on another time as she is working on Sunday. I often find reminding dh that 'you wouldn't like it if it was the other way around' helps him to clarify his position!

Molehillfromamountain · 28/02/2016 22:13

We split Mother's Day up, yesterday we saw DH's mum, on Friday we will see my Mum and actual Mother's Day I will spend with DH and DD who is nearly 2. We will probably stay at home or go for a walk and picnic instead of trying to book lunch out and ending up having sub standard food and service as its so busy everywhere.
You don't have to 'celebrate' it that day, could you just do a family day the next weekend?

thatsn0tmyname · 28/02/2016 22:16

We're inviting our mums over for tea and cakes in the afternoon. That gives us the morning to do our own thing. Seems fair.

Wolpertinger · 28/02/2016 22:18

shouldwestay I think you have nailed it

PaulAnkaTheDog · 28/02/2016 22:22

Fucking Mother's Day. I hate it on mumsnet. The 'I want a special day' crap is exhausting. Your mil is a mother, she deserves the same treatment and experience as you.

As for what we do for Mother's day: ds and I cook a lovely meal for my mum. She is supportive, loving and kind to us both, so we treat her. We enjoy a family meal and it's awesome.

2rebecca · 28/02/2016 23:18

I think him refusing to ever see his parents without you in toe is weird. I visit my dad without my husband and he often visits his parents without me. He maybe has to start going without you to break the habit and make that the new normal. Very few women insist on dragging their husband everywhere with them.
If his mum says something he says "no it's mother's day so I'm seeing you as you're my mother and the kids are with makes me want as she's their mother. Get him to man up.

MistressDeeCee · 28/02/2016 23:34

Its his mum not your mum. I can't see why you feature so heavily in the plans. But he must know why, I suppose. Just let him know its Mothers Day not wives day so you'd prefer he spends time with his mum on her "special day" and if he likes you can do something together as a family later on.

Roll on next week when the battles between wives wanting to trump MIL hence making a huge deal of DHs spending Mother's Day with their own mothers (shock horror) whilst pretending not to really care about it at all and being perfectly able to spend just a few hours without their DP on the day without going into meltdown and taking it as battle lines drawn, will begin in earnest on MN

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 29/02/2016 06:45

I have just remembered though that growing up Mothers Day was also all about my mother - I don't remember either grandmother being so much as mentioned in passing - we certainly didn't visit them, though my mother called her mother every Sunday so she would have phoned her...

I wonder if all the mothers of adults expecting mothers day to be about them, have been the centre of attention on mothers day for the last 30/50/ 50 years...

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 29/02/2016 06:46

(30/50/50 should be 30/40/50 obviously)

whattheseithakasmean · 29/02/2016 06:59

What about your mum, OP, what are you doing for her?

Onthedowns · 29/02/2016 07:52

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne Totally agree with you! It's always the daughters that get stick when they are not the necessarily demanding ones