Aibu to not want to spend whole of Mother's Day with MIL?

[Makesmewanttomovemyfeet]

There is a long history with MIL but to cut a long story short I find her very unpredictable, hugely offensive at times, she very much needs to be the centre of attention and basically this makes me anxious around her and unable to relax and enjoy myself. DH has been hinting that he has something really special planned for Mother's Day for me and DS and I was really excited. But recently asked me if PIL can join us for the full day and since he's asked that I've been dreading it rather than looking forward to it. I know MIL is his mother and therefore he wants to include her in the day but AIBU to suggest we have dinner the night before or brunch with MIL and then go off for our thing as a family afterwards? I think DH will be disappointed as he desperately wants me and his mum to be close but I don't think I will enjoy it or look forward to it if she's there. What do other people do for Mother's Day? Do the grandmothers come with you too?

For my own mum, I will send her a card and call her on the day. She is further away so I can't pop in. we would have to go for the whole weekend and we have never done that for mothers or Father's Day. it's all much more relaxed in my family. Even if I was nearby my parents wouldn't expect to be taken out anywhere they are happy just to hear from us (phone call or short visit).

schwab interestingly FILs mother is still alive and lives nearby. FIL does not spend the day with her he spends it with MIL. Im sure he pops in the day before or calls hers or something but he definitely doesn't take her out for lunch or spend the whole day with her. So I'd say u r spot on there!

I have told DH no way in hell I want to spend mother's day with MIL. That's like the worst nightmare!

Luckily DD1 has a inset day next monday. So DH and DD1 will be visiting grandma and they'll be doing their mother's day.

As for expected to spend time with MIL. I just keep hammering the fact that MIL isn't my family. If we were to divorce, I will not see her. Neither would my parents expect DH to visit them. He deals with his mum and I deal with my parents. A lot of DH I see here are very unreasonable with their own side of the family. They don't actually like spending time with their own parents. And they expect their partners to take up the visiting duty. (Or doing it as a couple so they don't have to spend time conversing with the parents). It's totally BU. Because at the same time, these men aren't forming relationships or go visit their ILs themselves.

UANBU

For me the issue around Mother's Day is expectation, surely it's nice if you get a 'treat' or a bit spoilt, but don't take it to heart of it's not the perfect day. I think there's so much pressure, on men in particular, to do the right thing by everyone! In general if mil puts pressure on then I don't think it's fair, especially when for really little children it's impossible to spoil mummy without help from daddy! Also, don't underestimate how much pleasure children get from giving their mummy a nice day, it's about them too.

Just for the record - I always thought that other women - EVEN MILS- were part of the sisterhood...embrace the human experience why don't you.

I totally agree the real cause of problems and upset is the expectation surrounding mother's day. It's a load of commercial nonsense.

A lot of good comments here. IME men who are unwilling to see their parents alone usually don't have a very close relationship with them and are uneasy about some aspect of that relationship. Lack of close relationships means that a great fuss is made about every "special occasion" because they have to get together and portray happy families. Hence the pressure for everyone to be there at all costs. This is difficult for the d-in-law and s-in-law unless they get on particularly well with the other family. In these circumstances it is unlikely. Families that are close don't necessarily need all that. They can be close and talk to each other anytime, in person or on the phone.

Makesmewant - I think you need to think about what you want to do and try and achieve a compromise that includes your Mum and m-in-law as well, depending on the feelings of the people involved. Your m-in-law is your dh's mother, however you feel about her and sometimes you have to put your feelings aside and suck it up. Equally your dh has to see them alone and you don't have to go every single time. And you can't force a relationship. Your m-in-l doesn't sound very pleasant, yet it always seems to be the d-in-l who is somehow at fault. People should look to their own behaviour and ask why the family doesn't want to spend time with them!

I take no responsibility for my DH's relationship with his mum & it it certainly not my role to in any way get involved in what he may or may not do/get her for mothers day.

I take my own mum out on mothers day. DH has often facilitated the children getting/making me a card, baking a cake etc. Now they are teenagers, it is up to my DDs what they do for me.

I have very little to do with my MIL except for occasional whole family visits, when I am civil. DH has to remember her birthday etc - not my job!