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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not want to spend whole of Mother's Day with MIL?

84 replies

Makesmewanttomovemyfeet · 28/02/2016 17:41

There is a long history with MIL but to cut a long story short I find her very unpredictable, hugely offensive at times, she very much needs to be the centre of attention and basically this makes me anxious around her and unable to relax and enjoy myself. DH has been hinting that he has something really special planned for Mother's Day for me and DS and I was really excited. But recently asked me if PIL can join us for the full day and since he's asked that I've been dreading it rather than looking forward to it. I know MIL is his mother and therefore he wants to include her in the day but AIBU to suggest we have dinner the night before or brunch with MIL and then go off for our thing as a family afterwards? I think DH will be disappointed as he desperately wants me and his mum to be close but I don't think I will enjoy it or look forward to it if she's there. What do other people do for Mother's Day? Do the grandmothers come with you too?

OP posts:

HSMMaCM · 28/02/2016 18:31

I would let him spend the day with his mother while I spent the day with dc. It's Mother's Day not inlaws day or wife's day. If they ask why you're not there he can just say it's your Mother's Day with your child.

Gottagetmoving · 28/02/2016 18:31

But op is the MOTHER of his child. Why should her day be special another day. He could have a special day with his mum another day

OP is not HIS mother. Surely that's the day he should make a fuss of the woman who gave birth to him?
No wonder so many women have mil problems if they think their partner should put them first on the very day that his mum should be getting attention.
On fathers day I spoiled my Dad, not my DP.

Wolpertinger · 28/02/2016 18:31

Years of experience mumsnetting has taught me that if a DH doesn't want to see his parents without his wife it is because they aren't very nice people and he needs his wife as a buffer. However nothing will induce him to admit this.

He sorts his parents' needs, you sort your parents' needs - the primary need on Mothers Day is that your DCs spend time with their mother and their mother is happy. Everything else is secondary to this.

Reapwhatyousow · 28/02/2016 18:35

I'm of the opinion that as it is something that is being arranged for you by your husband then I would just go along with it and keep an open mind in the hope of it being an enjoyable day all round. I regret that I was not more tolerant of my own MIL when she was alive but her little ways hugely irritated me and so I did things out of duty rather than affection. On reflection I could have been more understanding and just let her enjoy her bit of limelight without feeling resentful. Your DH has quite a task on his hands and I hope the day is a success and that people relax and find a way to enjoy each other.

Original poster

Makesmewanttomovemyfeet · 28/02/2016 18:36

Littleleftie- yes Unless he's just popping in like if he was collecting something or collecting DC or if I'm away for some reason he has seen them then. Otherwise I have to go too. I've spoken to him about it before as I think MIL would like to see him on his own sometimes.

OP posts:

littleleftie · 28/02/2016 18:39

Hmm, I agree with Wolpertinger

I would take a huge step back from this and try to establish some boundaries.

I hope you have a lovely Mothers Day.

RaspberryOverload · 28/02/2016 18:46

I think DH will be disappointed as he desperately wants me and his mum to be close

Forcing a relationship doesn't work. It has to come naturally or it never feels right. She might be your MIL, but if you would never have got along in other circumstances, then it's unlikely you'll get along just because you've married her son. And your DH needs to recognise that.

I got along with my late MIL, but it was just civil, nothing close, even after more than 25 years. She just couldn't get her head around how different I was to her, or understand my POV on things. She simply wasn't the kind of personality I gel with at any age. But we kept it pleasant enough.

Wolpertinger · 28/02/2016 18:48

Gottage little kids need help to make a fuss of their parents. How is a baby or a 5 year old going to make fuss over its mum. Its not exactly going to buy flowers and take her out to dinner? This help is traditionally provided by the other parent. Surely this is largely celebrated as a holiday about children and their mums, not adults and their adult mums.

If after 40-50+ years MIL doesn't feel sufficiently fussed over to let the next generation take a turn, when is she going to feel ready?

Or is DH never going to be there on Mothers Day as he's always at his mothers so he misses out on this part of his kids' life altogether?

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2016 18:52

I think he wants to try and keep you both happy op, so he's trying to lumber you with mil to kill two birds with one stone.

When are you going to see your mum on mothers day? Why should he have his mother there for the whole day, in what he planned as a nice family outing for just the two of you.

He probably told his mother about it and she when he was going to see her, so asked if she could come on your day out.

He should see her in his own time, it's your mothers day til ds is old enough to spoil you himself

theycallmemellojello · 28/02/2016 18:55

I think that if you don't want to spend the day with your MIL, the kind thing to do would be suggest that your DH takes your DS over to see her, and you do your family day out another day. I'd be very annoyed if my DH told me I couldn't spend the day with my mum or dad on mothers'/fathers' day.

PuppyMonkey · 28/02/2016 18:58

I'm also of the opinion mothers' day is about your mum. My kids make a fuss and make me breakfast in bed, we might have a family day out etc. But it would be odd of DP not to do something for his own mum (mine is no longer with us). Just have lots of that's the key thing IMHO.

Wolpertinger · 28/02/2016 18:59

Mellojello I would guess though that you would also have consideration for when your partner was going to see their mum or dad on mothers/fathers day? OP doesn't seem to be getting a look in with hers.

You'd also consider whether your partner actually hated your mum or dad and then thought about how you could do it without forcing relations and just riding roughshod over your partner who is actually your life partner and mother of your child?

That would be the normal way instead of just going 'my way or the highway'

Gottagetmoving · 28/02/2016 19:00

Wolpertinger
Of course the other parent has to help the children get a card and gift or flowers and be involved in his partners Mothers day in that way. He doesn't have to spend the whole day with his own mother but he can show his children that his mother, their grandmother, is still important in his life too and that you don't forget your Mum when you are an adult.
Ideally they could all spend the day together but I realise that it is not always possible when people don't get on.
I don't think young children need to take their mother out for a meal. That's something they can do when they are older?

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/02/2016 19:09

I'm of the opinion Mothers Day should be labelled "Mothers OF ADULTS" day and be done with it - because that is what it is.

Mothers of small children get something home made at school/ preschool/ childminders and half a bowl of cornflakes in a plastic bowl at 5:30am (which, btw is very sweet) and then get to spend the entire day dancing attendance on their own mothers and/ or their MILs, and then get asked the next day if they had a lovely Mothers Day.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 28/02/2016 19:14

I live in a country that has a different mothers day to the UK - for UK mothers day I send my mother flowers and phone her - every year she complains (in a long suffering way) that my sisters (who are also mothers) cooked and had lunch with her but then went off and "did their own thing". German mothers day is all about MIL - one year I sent DH on his own with the kids, which is quite a nice way to spend the day, especially as that was during The Severely Sleep Deprived Years and I went back to bed :o

theycallmemellojello · 28/02/2016 19:18

Yes of course I agree that the OP should be able to go see her mum if she wants! Definitely.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/02/2016 19:25

I always pre-empt this by organising with MIL to take her for a nice lunch on the Saturday. She's pleased I've made the effort, and I get to spend Mother's Day being pampered by DP and DS.

StarlingMurmuration · 28/02/2016 19:27

Oh, my mum died five years ago, before we had DS. Not sure what I'd want to do if she were still with us, she lived at the other end of the country so a quick visit wouldn't have been doable.

toomanykidstoolittletime · 28/02/2016 19:29

His mother won't be around forever, let him spend time with her. My MIL died before I met my hubby and he'd give anything to spend another day with her.

ohthegoats · 28/02/2016 19:37

I'd send him to his mother's with the kids, and have a lovely few hours at home on my own doing silence. What a treat! But maybe that's just me!

bakingaddict · 28/02/2016 19:39

I think the issue is he seems incapable of having a one on one relationship with his mum and needs the OP there as some sort of backup. Does he find making conversation with them difficult what's the story why he won't see them alone

PiperChapstick · 28/02/2016 19:42

This topic comes up every year on MN: should parents who aren't actively parenting trump those who are on Mother's Day?

I think not - my mum expects the moon and stars every year (and gets very fucked off if I don't deliver ) yet doesn't take into account the fact that I am a relitavely new mum (DD is 2.5), work 4 days a week, when I'm not working I'm doing stuff with DD (DH works very long unsociable hours)- Im not afraid to say I think I deserve spoiled once a year.

We now approach this like we do Xmas - we rotate who we focus Mother's Day on. This year it is my mum so me her and DD are doing afternoon tea (mum's choice, not what I'd choose with a toddler as its a posh-ish venue).

I'd much rather just me DH and DD spend the day together but I'm trying to compromise, next year is 'my' year...im not saying this plan works well as every family is different, but it's such a difficult topic for some reason.

Funnily enough we never have this drama over Father's Day!

Wolpertinger · 28/02/2016 19:45

toomany and ohthegoats this doesn't seem to be the case with this DH though. He'll only see his mum with OP to hold his hand. He won't go on his own at all to see his mum as apparently it will upset her.

WorraLiberty · 28/02/2016 19:50

I agree with Gottagetmoving

This Mother's Day, not 'Wife' Day....presumably you did something on Valentine's Day?

If your kids are old enough to make you a card or rope your DH into supervising them while they make you breakfast in bed, that's great. If they're not, well they will be one day.

Meanwhile, your DH is trying to include you in celebrating Mother's Day with the one person who is his actual Mother.

No-one should have to be 'sidelined' here, but if you absolutely insist that someone is, then of course it should be you imo.

Give your DH a break.

ollieplimsoles · 28/02/2016 19:52

I wouldn't be happy if my dh took my dc to mils on mother's day, I'm a mum too and want to spend it with my own little family.

Op your dh should go see his mother on his own.

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