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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this isn't special treatment

93 replies

TrixieBlue2016 · 26/02/2016 18:41

Sorry its a long one and a bit vague so not outing.

My DSS's teacher has had an accident and is in hospital with a broken leg and cuts and bruises but will be fine. 2 years ago DSS'S (10) DM died in a similar type of accident.

The school has been very good with DSS helping him through this. The Head called DH to tell him about the teacher so we were aware before DSS's class was told. DSS was told separately from the other kids as he was likely to be upset which he was. DSS really likes his teacher.

The class made cards for the teacher and the class decided that DSS would go with the head to afternoon visiting today to give them to teacher. DH was asked if this was ok on Wednesday. We felt this would help DSS with his fear of this type of accident and of hospitals.

DSS returned to school just before home time when I picked him up. Some of the other Mums already seemed to know why DSS was out with the Head some didn't. DSS has missed some school for special days associated with his DM like her birthday and the anniversary of the day she died although the school hasn't advertised this.

We have a school Facebook group for fundraising etc. One of the mums who didn't seem to know where DSS had been has posted on it. That DSS was getting special treatment and was sucking up to the Head and the teacher. There has been several mean comments along the lines of he is 'a special snowflake' getting extra days off etc.

Aibu to want to post something back as I don't think he is getting special treatment.

OP posts:

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 26/02/2016 19:23

That's awful. Definitely screenshot, maybe contact the school so they're aware just in case it trickles through to the kids and they start parroting what their parents are saying?

Honestly if it was me, I wouldn't be able to stop myself from replying something like "Well if you die then your kids can have special treatment too", but that would only cause more trouble. I think you're doing right to stay out of it for now, but I wouldn't blame you for wading in if they keep doing it.

Hope your DSS's teacher makes a full recovery soon, and your DSS is able to have a positive experience from visiting, and that this time isn't too traumatic for any of you

Leslieknope45 · 26/02/2016 19:27

I would definitely comment and say 'please do not discuss my step son on Facebook', if you don't want to put anything else.

But I would probably also say 'do get in touch with me personally if you have concerns'

HairySubject · 26/02/2016 19:27

What petty jealous people they are. Pathetic.

Glad the school is supporting your dss properly.

AuntieStella · 26/02/2016 19:29

If another parent has waded in spontaneously, the leave it a bit and see what happens.

Then, if still required, use something based on Laurie's suggestion.

I'd want to phrase it:

"Yes, the special treatment for a little boy bereaved of his mother in a striking similar accident has been an outstanding example of excellent and individualised pastoral care. We are immensely grateful to the school for all they have done."

EduCated · 26/02/2016 19:29

Please screenshot, if only to give yourself more time to decide whether to speak to the school. It will almost certainly disappear shortly.

acasualobserver · 26/02/2016 19:36

I think laurie's suggestion strikes the right note if you do decide to respond. However, what a horrible situation to be in.

NynaevesSister · 26/02/2016 19:40

I wouldn't be able to resist posting something innocuous in there like "hi, DSS step mum here. Happy to answer any questions anyone might have if they would like to message me" and then leave it at that.

People seem to say stuff on FB with no thought at all that actual, real people will see it. I'd letting them know that you've seen it and also a calm and reasonable response gives them no way to reply without looking even worse.

ZiggyFartdust · 26/02/2016 19:40

Don't get into flame wars on FB, it doesn't help anyone. MEssage the group admin and ask them to remove the thread/comments and warn the gossips about being dicks on FB.

DownWithTitchenor · 26/02/2016 19:41

I would go with Laurie's response - measured without stooping to their level...

momb · 26/02/2016 19:42

I hope your DSS is OK. Ignore the bitching if you can..I susect they'll be shamed by the other Mum, but if you can't resist, maybe reply with 'Thanks . Perhaps if anyone has any questions about DSS' pastoral care they would like to contact me directly rather than publicising him on FB. Thanks'

FuckYouJamieOliver · 26/02/2016 19:44

Definitely screenshot it
First thought was remain dignified but I'd say something when I saw the person who made the comment
Do you know them ?

squashtastic · 26/02/2016 19:45

You really need to screen shot it. Even if you never do anything with it- it might be useful in the future if they continue to be assholes. I'm sure they will eventually delete the post so do it quickly.

I'd also probably respond but I can't let things lie.

"Ds would probably much prefer his mother alive to the special treatment of visiting a teacher who has been in the same accident that killed his mother. What do you think your child would prefer?"

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 26/02/2016 19:46

It's the special little snowflake in regards to the lad having extra days off I almost find most unacceptable. When my god daughters god father died we were all absolutely heart broken it's taken five years too come to terms with it as a group, we are very close and birthdays and anniversaries for the first few years the only thing that would comfort us would be being together. None of us were he's actual children so how must it be for the child? I actually think it's very supportive of the school to indivalise the par stroll care. I'm guessing these mums can not understand what it's like to suffer such a bereavement!

It seems the class remember their friends destress and understand, shame their parents don't. Your DSS is in a situation no one would ever wish to be in especially at his age. I'm glad the school really do seem to be helping the continued support. It also sounds like a few mothers might not agree with the stance that your DSS is getting special, treatment or at least understand why he is. You might find the Nasty comments disappear when the mothers realise not every one has a lack of compassion, but screenshot it now in case they do disappear.

If you see the parents that have weighted in supporting your DSS id thank them quietly.

But you do need to talk to the school.

Beachday · 26/02/2016 19:48

What sort of a FB page is this?
Even if you take away the poor child's trauma, this is dreadful behaviour from parents. Discussing a child on a forum?!
How have you seen this?
Is it just a page set up by a group of (bullying) parents or is it something to do with the school.
Disgraceful

ohtheholidays · 26/02/2016 19:52

I'd want to go fucking nuclear and more than likely would but like other's had said they're not worth it they're really not.I'm glad someone else has pulled the witches(I of course mean the black magic warts on noses kind not the Wicca kind) up on they're behavior there really is no excuse for how they've acted.

Your poor DSS he sounds like he has an amazing stepMum and Dad though and good on the school for being so supportive,I hope his poor teacher is feeling much better real soon

RosyCat · 26/02/2016 20:00

Jaw dropping.

Chottie · 26/02/2016 20:04

I wouldn't respond directly, but would alert the school.

I'm so sorry that some ignorant people have caused your family so much distress

VoldysGoneMouldy · 26/02/2016 20:09

I'd post something along the lines of what Laurie wrote. What a bunch of absolute heartless twats.

That said, it sounds like the school are being amazing. Obviously not the same, but I remember when I was in year one, my brother was born through ELCS. My mum had a massive fibroid and that was a chance she wasn't going to survive the surgery. She had also had a late miscarriage the year before, which distressed me a lot. My dad called the school when my mum got through so they could tell me. My teacher at break time took me in her car down the road to the flower show and let me chose a potted plant and a card for me to take to my mum. I still feel very touched whenever I think about her, and what she did for me. The way she acted on that day - and in the weeks following, with the complications of my mum's recovery - made it a lot easier to deal with, and made me process not just the situation, but my mum's earlier loss.

My point being - sometimes children do need a bit of special treatment. And that's okay. There is nothing shameful in extra or different actions in special situations. And any parent that has never been on the receiving end of that kind of special treatment should feel lucky their child doesn't require it.

Much love to your DSS,x

expatinscotland · 26/02/2016 20:09

I'd post exactly what Laurie wrote. And screenshot it. People can be fucking vile.

MrTiddlestheFatCat · 26/02/2016 20:19

That is vile behaviour. Do they know you are part of the group so can see it?

Your poor DSS.

I would, without a doubt, say something along the lines of what Laurie wrote. Make them squirm. And definitely screenshot!

LooseAtTheSeams · 26/02/2016 20:20

It is so inappropriate to write what that person wrote that I think you should flag it up to the school, who have been great from the sound of it. Don't engage with them on FB. Take a screenshot and ask the school if they can have a discreet word. They will be very good at handling this for you judging from how well they have already helped your DSS and they will know exactly how to phrase it. You and your DH have been brilliant.

Smartiepants79 · 26/02/2016 20:21

If this page is in anyway endorsed by the school, PLEASE tell them.
They'd want to know.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 26/02/2016 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Grapejuicerocks · 26/02/2016 20:30

the school sounds fab. The facebook group not so much.

i like Lauries response too but it sounds as if you don't need it as someone else has tried to shame them. I expect no one will respond now. it would be nice if there was an apology but i will be surprised if there is.

Original poster

TrixieBlue2016 · 26/02/2016 20:30

It is a groups for class parents although it isnt an official group.

I have screenshotted everything. Most mums have apologised or said oh I hadn't realised. The main mum however responded "sure..." and then started talking about mother's day. bitch

DH saw this and got upset and has posted 'Thank you (other mum). DSS was a bit upset after visiting his teacher but we hope it will help him in the long run. We're really grateful for the schools support and understanding since his mother died in a similar accident two years ago. We are really touched that his friends decided he should go and give teacher their cards. You are raising amazing DCs.' suck that bitch

OP posts:

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