to be angry with babysitter on phone but worried about confronting her?

[Maybemable]

We have a bbsitter who helps out a lot and we really rely on her as we new to area although I get annoyed by the number of phone calls she gets from her family. Booked her to hold fort for DD (11) and DS (9.5) late afternoon while I did 3 X parents evenings. DS (5) tearful about being left so he came with me. I wasn't feeling well so forgot to mention DS had football at 6 but thought I'd probably be back well before. PE overran. I came back at 5.45 and babysitter was shut in living room on loud and v emotional phone call to granddaughter who is in care. I know whole story and that speaking to GD very tricky for babysitter and hardly ever happens. Trouble is that my DS who is a tiny 9 yo was in the hall about to leave the house to go to football (at nearby inner London school) on his own at dusk without having had tea and without anyone being aware he was going. (We've him off and highlighted dangers). Meanwhile DD had raided cupboards for sweets and is unsupervised on the laptop (also not allowed). Neither child knows how long babysitter has been on phone. Babysitter finishes call - bursts into kitchen says she didn't hear me come in but asks me to guess who she's been speaking to?! No idea that I am furious that she has not been taking care of my kids. Have to feed DS in no time and get him to football and feeling ill so don't confront her. Plus feel it's really tricky because the GD is in care and they never speak. But I was paying her to look after my kids and she wasn't checking they were safe. I haven't tackled the phone calls before now - my bad - but she knows from my body language that I'm not happy with it and gets off the phone when I come in the room. Have left it so long don't know how to tackle it but will have to if she's going to ever babysit again.

Lostit, I meant pretty much ignoring them and not feeding them and getting distracted like that.

I can almost guarantee that if it hasn't occurred to the babysitter to get off the bloody phone on this occasion then a list of rules and regs won't help.

She actually could have told her gd to ring back another time as she was at work. Or is that a completely absurd attitude

Just find someone else and be more assertive this time.

as much as i can see her point of view, her problems shouldn't be your problems. if she had to take the call with gd she should have left the door open and been checking the kids occasionally. she would have seen sweet raiding and football kit being got on. she could have made tea whilst on the phone. hell that's what all of us do - multi task.

i would look for other options.

Just. Get. Rid.

Do not employ someone to look after your children because you feel sorry for them. That's very silly behaviour.

Your paying her to ignore your kids and chat to her family. Get rid.

You're in London. It is not hard to find a babysitter.
The last babysitter we had taught dd to play guitar, cooked dinner, and did her homework with her - unasked. We ran late and babysitter used her common-sense.
There will be shops and on-line networks: advertise in those and interview/talk on the phone.
And, yes, I think Boffinmum may have a point, along with the posters pointing out that there might be a reason she's always available.

Frankly, I think you're a bit nuts to even think of talking with her about it. She's crap. You'd be better off getting a dog and leaving the children with the dog.

sack her! she is a baby-not-sitter

I wouldn't bother confronting her. The fact that her granddaughter is in care doesn't bode well. For whatever reason, she really isn't up to the job of looking after your children. There must be other babysitters in the area. Just ask around.

Another saying don't use her again.

No she doesn't have to watch their every move intently, but she does need to have an awareness of where they are and what they're doing. The fact she shut herself in a seperate room (clearly signalling to anyone she's not to be disturbed) would be the clincher for me.

Paid or unpaid, she had the responsibility and it almost went tits up. If your ds had left the house would you be more certain of how to deal with the situation?

It'd been a while since I did any babysitting but I'm pretty sure that the job involved actually looking after the children in question, not shutting myself in the front room to deal with my own life. That would include things like talking to them, checking what they were doing and feeding them at appropriate times.

Get rid OP and find someone more responsible.

For those saying their 9 and 11 year olds could have sorted themselves out: some can, some can't. At that age DS1 probably would have, DS2 probably wouldn't have, and DS3 would quite possibly have attempted to burn the house down for perfectly good reasons which in hindsight he would be unable to explain. DS4 would be found under the bedcovers, having either forgotten all about food and football or agonising silently because he knew it but didn't feel able to raise it. Presumably the OP knows her own DC well enough to judge what level of supervision they need. There's a reason why 12 tends to be the recommended minimum age for leaving your child alone.

DS knows in principle he is not allowed out alone but he's just started football and is mad for it and can't always be relied on to think first before acting.

Yeah. Kids can do that. That's why we pay babysitters. So there is an adult head between the kid and any impulsive things that might occur to them to do.

Otherwise we'd just happily leave them alone when we went out, safe in the knowledge that children come pre-packaged with an adult's mind and hard won experience, in a small body.

It's OK for a babysitter not to be breathing down their necks, micromanaging every tiny move they make. But they need to be aware enough of their charges to be able to notice that one of them has just hatched a harebrianed scheme, with their not exactly atypical 9 year old head.

She can't do that right now. She has a Big Thing preoccupying her. It is not just occupying her ear when she is on the phone, it is likely occupying a very large chunk of her headspace. So there is no room for anybody else, or their pressing needs when the Big Thing comes to the fore. Even when she is in sole charge of younger children.

She is a person in immense pain, dealing with something heartbreaking. And that is tragic. But when push comes to shove, she isn't well placed to consistently do the job asked of her, at the present time. Which creates a need for you to prioritise your children's need to be supervised enough over her perfectly reasonable desire to earn some money from you. When it comes to your kids the buck stops with you. It doesn't make you a horrible, unfeeling person to do what you are supposed to do and prioritise your children's needs over an adult's earning potential.

You know, I find it a constant wonder how much crap a lot of women will put up with when paying someone to take over aspects of traditionally female work, particularly childcare and cleaning.
Most people would not be feeling guilt about finding a new dentist if their dentist just didn't grasp the basics of dealing with teeth. Likewise a mechanic who was a nice person, was really good with cheese but didn't, actually, know anything about cars and just bashed the engine with a spanner, and then charged you for thst, even though the car still won't start - you'd never think of wringing your hands and asking for how to start a conversation with them about it - you'd just find a real mechanic.

But "women's work" ... It's like entering a parallel universe.

I can't decide whether it's guilt that motivates this weird, irrational response, or some kind of internalised devaluing of the skill of "women's work".

I think you were a bit silly not to have mentioned it to her. I'd use her again if you trust her and generally like her but I'd tell her not to use the phone.

At 11 and 9.5 I don't think it's exactly neglectful of her to be on the phone.

I still think she was wrong but it's different than if you had had little kids.
Your DD is a bit old to be 'raiding the sweets'

I 'sacked' a long term babysitter for using her phone too much one evening. My DDs loved playing with her and were disappointed one evening when she spent the whole evening on the phone to a boyfriend. As I had previously asked her not to I effectively sacked her. I told her why too but really nicely. Funnily enough we've remained in contact and she still writes a couple of times a year.

Find another babysitter, there are good ones out there.

I used to love our babysitter coming. we used her as I worked a lot of evenings and DP worked away. I'd often come in to find children fed, in bed following stories and bath and washing up done and kitchen floor swept and mopped. I was very sad when she moved area and couldn't come anymore :(

How old is the babysitter?

People who do domestic work are still people, with things going on in their lives. This sounds like such an important moment for her. Yes, a few chores weren't done and that's superficially annoying. But sometimes, particularly when someone is coping with a chaotic and difficult situation involving care, life throws up things that are more important. And a phonecall from a vulnerable relation you can barely speak to because of a difficult family situation is just one of those circumstances. Life sometimes gets in the way of routines - and just as we'd all want a boss who understood such exceptional circumstances (and just as you needed her to understand your PE overrunning and stay a little longer), those doing domestic work sometimes need that leeway too.

I would just say something along the lines of 'I totally understand why you were on the phone - speaking to your granddaughter is so important. It's an exceptional thing, and I'm really glad it happened, hopefully the two of you can have a closer relationship from here on out. Obviously you couldn't do the normal routine in the circumstances, and you totally made the right decision to prioritise the call. However, in future it would be great if you could make sure DS is ready for football on time and DD isn't on the computer unsupervised.' That way, you make your expectations clear, while giving her dignity and space.

Have you read the Hilary Mantel story 'School of English'? It's really, really good on the importance of that dignity and personhood, though the situation in it bears very little parallel to the one here, being far more extreme!

She didn't know your DS needed tea and was going to football, so she probably didn't anticipate him getting ready to go out. Does she know your DD should only use the computer/internet in her presence?

It doesn't sound like the call was a one off from your OP, so just ask her to try and avoid personal calls during work time, while understanding that a one off call from her granddaughter is an exception.

*You know, I find it a constant wonder how much crap a lot of women will put up with when paying someone to take over aspects of traditionally female work, particularly childcare and cleaning.
Most people would not be feeling guilt about finding a new dentist if their dentist just didn't grasp the basics of dealing with teeth. Likewise a mechanic who was a nice person, was really good with cheese but didn't, actually, know anything about cars and just bashed the engine with a spanner, and then charged you for thst, even though the car still won't start - you'd never think of wringing your hands and asking for how to start a conversation with them about it - you'd just find a real mechanic.

But "women's work" ... It's like entering a parallel universe.

I can't decide whether it's guilt that motivates this weird, irrational response, or some kind of internalised devaluing of the skill of "women's work".*

^^ this.

Its completely pathetic to have to worry about her personal life as well as your own. She's not a relation, she's a paid employee there to do a job. It was a phone call, not a death in the family.

And although the OP has employed this woman - somehow it is HER FAULT this happened because she didn't raise her children to do it themselves! Unbelievable.

I wonder if a nanny or childminder would suit you better? That way you can set out very clearly in a contract exactly what you expect from her. It would be a more formal arrangement whereby you'd receive a more professional service.

I would let her go. I had a nanny for my children years ago whose family gradually encroached more and more on her work and on our lives, to the point that when she took my children out, all three of her (grown up) daughters, their boyfriends and dogs came too. I sacked her. I had mentioned it gently before, but it wasn't something that she was ever going to realise was unprofessional. I was paying for her time. She was spending her time as it it was her own, but bringing my children along with her.

Get on to childcare.co.uk or sitters.co.uk and find yourself an alternative. Don't just sit around saying "oh but we're new to the area" - you didn't wait for a house to turn up by word of mouth, and you can't wait for childcare to turn up that way either. Childcare.co.uk is fantastic.

Get rid, really whats the point? You can't trust her. I got the best babysitter in the whole world from sitters.com

a baby sitter is some one who 'sits' in case of emergency usually doing their homework snogging their boyfriend on the couch whilst the kids are in bed .I think what you are wanting is childcare ie childminder or nanny.

Exactly maydancer!