To send inappropriate sympathy card?

[Bluelilies]

Someone I know through a club/hobby has been diagnosed with terminal cancer :( He's in his early 70s, but appeared healthy so it's a bit of shock.

Anyway, people were talking about him last week at the club, and we agreed we should send a card. I offered to buy one which I did and then passed it round to be signed by everyone this week. I had thought everyone there was aware of the situation, and that he's been given just a few months to live, and isn't going to be back at the club. But it appears a couple of people weren't. These are people that know him less well. They've written things along the lines of "missing you, come back soon!", which is kind of inappropriate given he's not going to.

I've not been left with the card to send to him. What would you do? Send it anyway? Or just throw it quietly away and send him a personal email (or card) instead? I had thought about buying another card and making sure people sign it appropriately but that would delay sending it off, and a bit awkward all round having to explain why.

My mum received a 'Get well soon' card AFTER she had died, from someone well aware that she had died! They bought it beforehand but forgot to send it, so after finding out that she had died sent it anyway some weeks later! We were a little perplexed!

I really struggled with this recently and cried at the Get Well cards in the shop, all to cheery for a terminally ill colleague.

We really need cards along the lines of "sorry to hear that you are ill" etc. In the end I send a plain card with a dog on the front.

I probably wouldn't send the card tbh but not sure how you should approach this. With my colleague we all chose to send separate messages and collectively sent a hamper.

Some awful stories here jelly and whoever it was mentioned the "have a good one" comment

lilac - As I clarified earlier, the card says "thinking of you", not "with sympathy".

To update, I've decided to send it anyway, as is - editing it or redoing it seem too awful, and don't think it woudl be right just to bin it. As I mentioned the less appropriate commets were from people he doesn't know so well, so I've concluded he won't care that much how much they know, or don't know about his illness.

I emailed him today as well - just a chatty email about the club and wishing him well, and saying we'd love to see him if he was up for coming down any week (or to relocate the club to his house as a one off). Got a very quick reply sounding pleased to hear from me, saying it sadly won't be practical to host us, but you never know he may make it down some time - though I think that's probably just a nice thought to hold onto rather than reality. He mentioned a bit about the illness and sounds quite poorly.

But thanks for the - various - bits of advice. Has helped make a decision, so feeling happier about that now.

Tibaw but (sorry)
Jelly - just

Sounds a lovely, thoughful email OP and glad the thread helped.

You did the right thing Bluelilies

It'll be the first anniversary of my SIL's death soon. The last time I visited her I was startled to see cards saying Get Well Soon displayed around her bed.

Those people knew full well she wasn't going to get better, she knew that and so did her daughter and my brother. But he put them up for all the same because it showed how much and how many people loved her. We all wished it wasn't going to happen, but it did. That's good enough for me.

Glad to hear you're feeling happier about it, OP. Just remember, you're feeling responsible because you volunteered to buy the card, but you're not responsible at all, either for the content of other people's messages, or even for informing people about the real situation. As you say, he'll see which messages are from which people and he'll know some won't know the full story.

Glad the thread has helped you, OP. :)

I think you've done the right thing. I'm sure your friend will appreciate the sentiment even if some are not wholly realistic.

I think it can be a comfort to know you're being thought of, op. I'm glad this thread helped