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AIBU?

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Original poster

To send inappropriate sympathy card?

86 replies

Bluelilies · 24/02/2016 10:58

Someone I know through a club/hobby has been diagnosed with terminal cancer :( He's in his early 70s, but appeared healthy so it's a bit of shock.

Anyway, people were talking about him last week at the club, and we agreed we should send a card. I offered to buy one which I did and then passed it round to be signed by everyone this week. I had thought everyone there was aware of the situation, and that he's been given just a few months to live, and isn't going to be back at the club. But it appears a couple of people weren't. These are people that know him less well. They've written things along the lines of "missing you, come back soon!", which is kind of inappropriate given he's not going to.

I've not been left with the card to send to him. What would you do? Send it anyway? Or just throw it quietly away and send him a personal email (or card) instead? I had thought about buying another card and making sure people sign it appropriately but that would delay sending it off, and a bit awkward all round having to explain why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bluelilies · 24/02/2016 11:57

Thanks all - the card actually says "thinking of you", rather than "with sympathy", as that seemed more appropriate. I don't think he's really a flowers type of person.

His sense of humor's pretty good normally at least - he's generally light hearted about things - so if the ideas of him coming back to the club is clearly bonkers, then I guess he'll see the funny side.

Guess I'll just send it off, and try not to worry.

OP posts:
thebiscuitindustry · 24/02/2016 11:58

I think people could be upset if find out they've written something like that without knowing the full facts and weren't given the chance to change it. I'm sure a lot of people would be mortified if they realised they'd put something unsuitable.

Rafflesway · 24/02/2016 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PuppyMonkey · 24/02/2016 12:03

Why not get a brand new card and just sign it on behalf of everyone:

Thinking of you
from everyone at XXX Club xxxx

hellodave · 24/02/2016 12:04

I'd send it.
I've worked with people who are dying, and even when its very obvious that they are close to death there is often still hope.... about seeing next Christmas, someones birthday or being able to go back to a club or hobby they love, even to just say hi. Often people are so scared so saying the wrong thing that they say nothing at all which can be much worse.
so even "get well soon" if said from a place of love is better than nothing at all

Pidapie · 24/02/2016 12:06

I would get a new card, "thinking of you" and say "Lots of love, us at blabla" . Then it will be appropriate imo, and you avoid the inappropriate comments some will write.

JosephBrodsky · 24/02/2016 12:12

A minority of people would still be chirping 'Chin up' and 'Get well soon!' as someone booked themselves into the Dignitas clinic, because those sorts of well-meant clichés just leap out of their mouths and they can't cope with someone's imminent death. When my friend was in end-of-life care in a hospice, my mother, who was well aware that she was only being given weeks to live, was still saying 'Oh, hopefully....' every time I went to see her, as though someone was going to say they'd got the blood count wrong and it was all a mistake.

Which is a long way round of saying that the people who wrote 'get well soon' on a terminally-ill man's card are probably well aware he won't be back, but are saying it because they think it's what you 'should' say to an ill person.

MrsSeanBean · 24/02/2016 12:12

Phew...glad it's not an actual sympathy card, that would have def been inappropriate pre decease.

I would just send the card. As others have pointed out (a) no-one knows for certain how long he has left, people sometimes defy predictions and rally; (b) people rarely know what to say / write even if in possession of all the facts; and (c) well... what others have said, it might cheer him up and / or sound quite natural if he is in denial (some people are). And even (d) terminal can sometimes mean a year (or more) with appropriate palliative care. It doesn't necessarily mean he will die next week.

TheFormidableMrsC · 24/02/2016 12:13

I've been in the situation of having terminally ill close relatives, including my Mum and I can't think of a single thing that would have offended although people do sometimes write to oddest things. I agree with the sentiment that sometimes looking toward a "future" is a good and positive thing.

My Mum was terminally ill with cancer and received a card that showed a person lying in a hospital bed, covered in bandages but without a head. The person standing next to the bed was saying "one day you'll look back on this and laugh". We did indeed laugh a lot at that...my mother loved a bit of black humour and it really did the job Smile

I would send it...

leghoul · 24/02/2016 12:23

I think you should send it. But not if it has sympathy on it anywhere. Ick.Just a nice, thoughtful card. So what if it says missing you come back soon. Maybe he will feel heartened by that, and maybe one day he might feel well enough to pop in and say hello even if not back properly. He's not dead yet!

Artioo2 · 24/02/2016 12:23

Don't send a different card signed on behalf of 'everyone at etc...', that's a terrible, soulless compromise. Much better to send a card that loads of people have clearly put effort in to. A generic message only shows you have thought about it, no one else. The comments are not inappropriate! They are harmless and pleasant, even if they're unrealistic.

leghoul · 24/02/2016 12:26

thinking of you is fine. To censor what they've said denies him the experience of having something from varying degrees of thoughtfulness signed by everyone in a personal way, and denies those signing the card the chance to send him a message. You';d only be making yourself feel better if you changed the card. His situation won't be made worse by a card but it might be made better if he sees all the different people have signed it. It's much more personal.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 24/02/2016 12:28

I'd send it.

I've been with both of my parents at the very end of their lives (and the months leading up to it). Sometimes hope is all you have when you're in that situation. Even if it's hope for something impossible - it's still a positive thing.

My dad received messages such as your friends have written right up until his death (and one actually arrived the day after). He was cheered by them and very happy to know people were thinking of him and wishing him well.

Even if you've got two weeks left to live, it's still better to hear "hope you're back with us soon" than "sorry you're dying".

PuppyMonkey · 24/02/2016 12:28

Terrible, soulless compromise Grin

MrsSeanBean · 24/02/2016 12:32

Totally what leghoul and artioo said.

TeddTess · 24/02/2016 12:32

what would be a good thing to write??

surely an optimistic "miss you, hope to see you soon" kind of message is better than "sorry to hear you're dying"

??!

thebiscuitindustry · 24/02/2016 12:34

To censor what they've said denies him the experience of having something from varying degrees of thoughtfulness signed by everyone in a personal way

It may not be at all what they'd have put if they realised the situation though.

BarbarianMum · 24/02/2016 12:36

^^This.

lalalalyra · 24/02/2016 12:37

I'd send it. "Come back soon" doesn't necessarily have to mean "come back and join in to the exact same extent as you used to do" it can mean "I hope you'll be well enough to come and say hello".

It can also be nice for someone to know that people are still thinking of them and not expecting them to die tomorrow.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 24/02/2016 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 24/02/2016 12:39

I'd send it.

It's often difficult to know what to write, he'll understand that but be greatful for the thoughts. I would, I think.

thebiscuitindustry · 24/02/2016 12:39

Some people don't like things being sugar-coated, or death being so unmentionable you have to pretend the person will be able to "come back soon".

whatisforteamum · 24/02/2016 12:40

my parents have both have terminal cancer and tbh people do say things like get well soon !! I think sending the card would mean alot as my Dad has barely heard from the rugby club he was a regular at and that is worse and quite sad.
Perhaps like previous posters have said include a note,However he might find it uplifting to be given hope of going to the club in the future.You are not responsible for everyones messages.

diddl · 24/02/2016 12:41

If the ones who wrote "inapproriately" aren't aware of the situation then I don't think it's fair to send the card.

I'd get another & just send it on behalf of you all.

If anything is ever said, tell them the dog ate it or whatever & it seemed easier to just do it that way.

FattyFishwife · 24/02/2016 12:43

i worked in an operating theatre, and when i lost my baby at 14 weeks, when i went back to work, a senior consultant surgeon, who never ever spoke to anyone on a personal level, approached me and said he was very sorry about my abortion.

I told him it was a miscarriage, and he touched me gently on the arm, apologised then added...."i just wanted to say...something....I always believe its better to say the wrong thing, than nothing at all"

that was i 1996, and those words have stuck with me since then.

Not everyone has the eloquence to write something thats perfect, sometimes, thoughts in your brain, just dont make the transition from pen to paper or keyboard to screen, and sometimes, people just dont know what to say....i think he will be touched that so many people have bothered and cared enough to write something.