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Original poster

To send inappropriate sympathy card?

86 replies

Bluelilies · 24/02/2016 10:58

Someone I know through a club/hobby has been diagnosed with terminal cancer :( He's in his early 70s, but appeared healthy so it's a bit of shock.

Anyway, people were talking about him last week at the club, and we agreed we should send a card. I offered to buy one which I did and then passed it round to be signed by everyone this week. I had thought everyone there was aware of the situation, and that he's been given just a few months to live, and isn't going to be back at the club. But it appears a couple of people weren't. These are people that know him less well. They've written things along the lines of "missing you, come back soon!", which is kind of inappropriate given he's not going to.

I've not been left with the card to send to him. What would you do? Send it anyway? Or just throw it quietly away and send him a personal email (or card) instead? I had thought about buying another card and making sure people sign it appropriately but that would delay sending it off, and a bit awkward all round having to explain why.

OP posts:
diddl · 24/02/2016 12:43

How much effort would it be to do it again making sure thateveryone is aware of his situation, or just ask the ones who didn't know what they'd like to do?

I know that I'd want the chance to change what I wrote.

MorrisZapp · 24/02/2016 12:44

Send the blimmin card and ignore the grief police. If I ever get seriously ill I hope to get shedloads of attention, not people backing away in horror in case they make a faux pas.

I had a dear friend who had a birthday shortly before she died of a long illness. I sent a card that said 'thinking of you on your birthday' as it felt a bit more appropriate than a card with balloons on etc.

But I'm sure she got a few less thought out messages, which she would have appreciated none the less.

Sorry to hear your friend is so unwell.

GruntledOne · 24/02/2016 13:08

Are you absolutely sure he won't be back? I know everyone's different but I have known two people with terminal cancer who essentially did their best to live a normal life until a very late stage, including going to activities they enjoyed and even going to work.

Artioo2 · 24/02/2016 13:13

I keep posting, but this is something I feel really strongly about. :) As FattyFishwife says, "it's better to say the wrong thing, than nothing at all" - absolutely this. We also experienced this after a traumatic bereavement too - people said and wrote some very strange things that weren't our viewpoint at all and were sometimes perhaps ill thought through or misinformed, but we appreciated every single one anyway. Much worse to face an awkward silence.

Someone I know is currently going through a serious, potentially terminal illness and he has specifically asked people not to sympathise or tell him how terrible and sad it all is because he doesn't want or need to be reminded of it by everyone he encounters. He wants some normality.

You're right that getting a new card signed by all again would be awkward. If I was someone from your club and you pitched up again with a fresh card and asked me to rewrite my message because you thought my last one was inappropriate I'd feel very awkward as I tried to work out what was considered appropriate.

MrsSeanBean · 24/02/2016 13:18

Yes yes yes - listen to artioo.

And your friend may well be back anyway - terminal doesn't necessarily equate to bed bound for the duration! Normality is good.

And even if he is a bit Hmm about any of the messages (I suspect he won't be) then it's not your responsibility, the messages are from the people who wrote them, not from you.

You can't be responsible for what other people write. What if those people had written their own card and sent it independently? That wouldn't have been something you could influence.

I think it's really nice of you to care OP, but I honestly think you are overthinking it.

IfItsGoodEnough4ShirleyBassey · 24/02/2016 14:01

Scan the old card, stick the good messages and just the signatures or the OK bits from the inappropriate messages into a new card.

Artioo2 · 24/02/2016 14:09

Wow, the suggestions are getting worse. I'm sorry ShirleyBassey, but what a pointless faff! What on earth would the poor guy think had been going on when he gets a card with messages with bits cut out like a censored wartime letter from the front?!

OP, you've done a really kind, thoughtful thing in arranging this, something that a lot of people would shy away from altogether through awkwardness and fear. Have the courage of your convictions and carry through on your initial kind thought - send the card as you planned. :)

ImperialBlether · 24/02/2016 14:13

I think even on my deathbed I'd like to think I was going to go back to old hobbies "when I was better" and that I'd see old friends again. I'd be terrified at getting a card with messages which implied I'd never see them again.

NerrSnerr · 24/02/2016 14:14

Send the card. They hope he can go back to see them, they're letting him know that if he wants to or is able to drop by he can.

It doesn't sound inappropriate to me.

NerrSnerr · 24/02/2016 14:14

I agree with imperial.

UntilTheCowsComeHome · 24/02/2016 14:18

I have to disagree with those saying send it.

My mum was dying from cancer and received a card from her work colleagues. They all knew she was dying, she'd had cancer for 5 years. But still there were messages saying "get well soon"

My mum was really hurt by it. She said it felt like no one cared enough about her to think about what they were writing.

MrsSeanBean · 24/02/2016 14:20

< like a censored wartime letter from the front > sorry - that made me lol. Apologies for lol-ing inappropriately.

Seriously though, if I were dying and read this thread, I think I would have a good laugh and it would cheer me up no end!

NerrSnerr · 24/02/2016 14:21

Until they're not saying get well soon though, they're hoping he will come back soon which is possible.

MrsSeanBean · 24/02/2016 14:23

Sorry to hear about your mum Until.

Have people written get well soon though..? I might have missed it, but I though the OP was worried about 'missing you, come back soon' type comments. It's perfectly possible he could come back, even if only to pop in to say hi, rather than return in in a 'full capacity' type way.

MrsSeanBean · 24/02/2016 14:23

Sorry nerr, x posts

IfItsGoodEnough4ShirleyBassey · 24/02/2016 14:28

Nah it would work fine - paste the comments in either as a single page (invisibly censored with tippex on the original) or in chunks. Say you spilled bolognese sauce on the original card.

We do scanned signatures on leaving cards all the time at my work because people work in different offices or are travelling at the relevant time.

But it depends how bad the inappropriate comment is. "Looking forward to seeing you soon" is ambiguous and could be fine. "Get well soon!" is less OK

hmcAsWas · 24/02/2016 14:35

It might be technically possible ShirleyBassey and would work on that level, but as a plan it is naffer than naff. Contributors should not have their comments censored.

Sorry about your mum Until, however other posters on this thread have referred to examples of loved ones who have received messages like this and appreciated the sentiment, even where it fell a bit wide of the mark. Also your mums colleagues seem to, without exception, have no excuse for not knowing her prognosis - which isn't quite the case in this scenario?

Kidnapped · 24/02/2016 14:37

My mum got loads of Get Well Soon/Hope You Are Feeling Better cards when she was dying of cancer. She really appreciated them.

And she did get better after chemo and had much more energy to do things. It didn't take away her terminal diagnosis but it did make her quality of life much better. So in that sense she did get well (for a short time).

In any event, it is not the OP's business to police every comment that other people make in a card. Their comments are their comments. She was asked to send a card. Send the feckin card.

Artioo2 · 24/02/2016 14:43

To me, UntilTheCowsComeHome's story, although very sad, is actually more support for sending the card. People react to these things so differently, from UntilTheCowsComeHome's mum being upset by the messages to my friend and other people mentioned in this thread who would much rather have a cheery 'get well soon' over a message of gloomy sympathy. You can't predict or control how someone will be or what they will think in such a situation, especially an acquaintance. All you can do is say something, whatever it is, however inane, because it's better than nothing.

MrsSeanBean · 24/02/2016 14:43

Kidnapped, that's really nice to hear. :-)

Ameliablue · 24/02/2016 15:52

I think probably the recipient would be understanding and if people have just written something inappropriate because they don't know what to say that is fair enough but if I signed a card to someone thinking they were just off sick and likely to be back and later found out that the card had been sent for a terminal illness, I would be quite upset so I think that whether or not you send another card it might be worth a quiet word with some of the staff so they know the situation.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/02/2016 16:04

Actually, OP, you might well be a well-meaning, over-anxious sort but it would be outrageously officious to do anything other than send the fucking card. It is not up to you to decide how 'appropriate' other people's good wishes are. You're only another member of the club, not the gatekeeper to this man's private life.

And those of you suggesting OP tippex out some of the comments or throw the card away and send one with a generic message in - FFS! No wonder we're bringing up a generation of whinyarses forever looking to take offense on other people's behalf...

Kidnapped · 24/02/2016 16:05

Thanks, MrsSB.

OP, cards are difficult things all right. Cards signed by all and sundry are even harder (as you have found). Sometimes we get fixated on what something symbolises rather than what it actually is. Clearly you feel upset about your friend and part of that upset is wanting to make sure that acknowledging his illness is done in absolutely the right way. In the best, most decent, most suitable way.

And it has been done in the best, most decent, most suitable way.

tibbawyrots · 24/02/2016 17:05

I remember a Sympathy card going round the office after a manager died unexpectedly at 45 (to send to his wife).

Inscribed across the fold someone had written "Have a good one!" Hmm

When it was pointed out that it was a Sympathy card, he said, "Oh, I never look at the picture" and refused to accept he had fucked up.

LilacAndLovely · 24/02/2016 17:11

Never mind what's written in it...a sympathy card is what you send someone after a bereavement isn't it?

To send one to someone still alive, as a 'sorry-you're-going-to-die' card just seems an awful idea to me and one that could really upset the recipient.

I would much rather send a card with a message along the lines of 'hope you're feeling better soon' rather than sympathies.