Fucking hell, where to begin?
I will never be a well behaved woman.
That's... nice? Just don't go full Myra Hindley or Rose West, yeah?
I would rather pass my days lying in the middle of dirt roads, staring at the full moon with a bottle of summer red in my palms.
Ah, now you see, that just sounds impractical. It's all fun and games, lying in a dirt road, until you get run over by a farmer. Possibly because your judgement is impaired and reaction speed slowed because you're off your tits on wine.
I would rather have kids when it suits me, not when society expects or throws shoulds.
Newsflash: some people will judge you whether you have kids younger or older. If you stay at home, or work. If you have kids, or don't have kids. Society loves scowling at women and their reproductive choices, regardless of what they may be, because society is full of people with differing opinions.
I would rather live in a hammock on a beach for six months, and write like my soul means it.
Why only six months? Fucking lightweight! Go at least 12, enjoy the full glory of the seasons (including mosquitos and hurricanes, if somewhere tropical), get accused of being a vagrant, then we'll talk.
I would rather be horribly broke at times, than married to a job because a mortgage payment has my ass on a hook.
I'd rather be in a job that I love, and that pays well so that I can pay the mortgage, and still have money left over. Admittedly getting there occasionally meant I was stuck in jobs I disliked, AND was horribly broke (poor pay being one of the reasons for my dislike), but I'm pretty chuffed now.
Better than sponging off my parents until I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up (to put my judgey pants on, I'm not sure that 'beach dwelling vagrant that lies in the road drinking wine' is a viable long term goal. If your salary is a bit variable because you don't want to be married to a job, you may want to think about saving money for downtimes rather than spunking it on summer reds).
I would rather own moments, than investments.
Fair enough, money can't buy happiness, etc. But it can buy mountain bikes, and campervans, which lead to happiness.
I would rather eat alone, than sit with women who bore me at 'Wives’ Night.”
I'm sure the wives will be devastated.
I would rather swim naked with bioluminescence, have it fall like fireflies from my hair, my breasts, my back.
Just double check that you're not accidentally swimming in toxic waste or chemicals...
I would rather do handstands naked in the moonlight when no one’s watching than pick bridesmaid dresses.
Fucking hell, we get it, you value your own company, staring at the moon alone in a road with your bottle of summer red whilst doing handstands. I can't actually imagine you having any friends that would want you to be a bridesmaid.
I would rather drink seven year old rum from a sandy bottle, smell of smoke and ash than sit in church.
I would also prefer to be Jack Sparrow than go to church. You win this round.
I would rather learn from life than rack up debt, in a desk.
What... what does this even mean? The debt is in a desk? I think folks also learn from life living a 9-5 life - things like 'managing money' and 'interpersonal relationships: how to have friends, so that you're not a beach dwelling loner drinking wine, doing handstands and lying in the road. After eating alone.
I would rather drink the ocean, again and again—celebrate being madly alive.
You're not going to be alive much longer drinking saltwater, love.
I would rather my love be defined by love itself, and nothing more or less.
Er, OK.
I don’t need a ring on my finger to prove that I am in love.
No you don't. Nobody does. Well done.
I would rather take the chicken bus, than spend useless money in safe gated communities. Sit beside a goat, listen to raggaeton and eat green mango with sugar in a plastic bag sold from the woman who harasses the bus each time it stops.
Money's not useless. If it was, the mango seller wouldn't be desperately trying to sell her wares. Of course, if you've got enough money to fund travelling without working, you probably don't really have a proper concept of what 'horribly broke' is actually like. It's almost like you're an incredibly over-privileged numpty that looks on with envy at the communities in tropical destinations, ignoring the fact that they have to work hard every single day, and don't have the luxury of taking a six month beach sabbatical to write.
I do not need a degree to prove that I am intelligent.
No, you don't. 'Intelligence' isn't also a guarantee of common sense, it's worth noting...
I do not need to own a piece of earth with some wood on top of it—to feel successful. No one truly owns the land, anyway—we just think we do.
No, you don't. It is nice not to deal with fucking letting agents, though.
My savings account has diddly to do with my richness.
I'm quite impressed you have a savings account. It's almost like a concession to the 'normality' you despise. Except a lot of people who work long hours in jobs that they hate, just to put food on the table and a roof over their head, don't have enough left over to put into a savings account, never mind go fannying off on extended beach holidays.
I would rather sprawl my single ass out like a lioness each morning and enjoy each corner of my empty bed.
Lionesses are lions. Lions are THE MOST SOCIABLE OF ALL THE BIG CATS! They normally sleep in a big fucking pile. Seriously, of all the big cats you could have picked for your simile, you don't pick any of the numerous solitary species, but instead... the lioness. Lionesses, who are famous for their protectiveness of their young, fierce devotion to their pride, and who do the vast majority of the hunting to feed their families whilst the males laze about. Brilliant.
Also, do hammocks have corners?
I will take a job I love and freedom over a pension, any day.
I have a job I love, AND a pension! In your face! Let me know how your way is working for you when you hit your 60s (although I imagine you'll be buoyed up by a massive inheritance from mummy and daddy...)
I will not work and work and work to live when my body is old and I am tired.
I can see that you've really thought about this long term planning, with the lack of steady work, no pension and early retirement.
Stocks are for people who get boners from money.
Probably.
Not everyone should have kids, and my eggs aren’t expiring.
First bit is true. Second bit... oh dear, seems like somebody skipped biology. Have fun with the menopause!
^I will not drink the societal Kool-Aid on a bus, nor will I drink it on a train.
Not on a plane, with a goat, in the rain, in the dark, in a tree, with a fox, in a box!^
Wow, you're so edgy and cool. You'll still have sugared mango on the chicken bus though?
I will not jump through societies’ hoops and red tape, the treasure hunt in the rat race we chase.
I'm so very bored now. I only started this because I'm off work as the dog is ill, so can't be left alone, but clearing up the mess he left in the kitchen was actually less nauseating that this 'poem', or whatever it is...
If we must have milestones—mine will be measured by how much joy I have collected at the end of each day and how often in this life I have truly, deeply, opened.
I also include joy that I have given to others, in my milestones, because I'm not a sociopath.
Seek, see, love, do.
CAKE.