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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so disappointed that dh and I made such bad choices in dd's god parents

51 replies

m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 18:32

She's had another birthday with none of her god parents sent a card. I'm not grabby and don't care about presents but to not even send a card. I'm disappointed for dd that people we felt would always be part of our lives can't be bothered with her. One is a relative too. I can't really confront them as what would that achieve? I can't think of any way to approach it other than forget she even has god parents.

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Ninjagogo · 23/02/2016 18:36

Honestly, I suggest that you let it go. My in laws do not do cards, ever, for any reason. Some people are just not like that.
Saying that, my godmother is still awesome at taking me out for trips on occasion, meals or shopping even though she is now in her 60's and I am 40... Maybe they will have a closer relationship as she gets older.

icanteven · 23/02/2016 18:40

I think it's par for the course. DD1's godmother, somebody who is very religious and, I thought, intended to take it very seriously, hasn't been seen or heard of for years, whereas DD's godmother is tremendous. DD1's godfather = pointless, and probably doesn't know that he is DD1's godfather anyway, but DD2's godfather is great. Forgetful, but truly delighted to be her godfather (he's Greek Orthodox, so it's a BIG DEAL). So we got a 50% hit rate, which I think is pretty good going.

I'm sorry that your choices didn't work out. It's quite disappointing when somebody just doesn't get it.

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 18:40

Not sure how, they have no contact.

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Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 18:42

If it was just one I think I'd find it easier but all 3 turning out to be rubbish makes me feel bad. Makes the whole thing rather meaningless really.

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AnyFucker · 23/02/2016 18:44

who did your choose ?

My sister prioritised her partner's side of the family and missed me out. That wasn't a good move, tbh.

gingercat02 · 23/02/2016 18:50

Have you fallen out with the godparents? Do they get invited to birthdays etc. My godson is a long term friends youngest and I only really see him 2-3 times a year max as they live in a different part of the country. I do always see him for his birthday and send a Christmas present (but I think I'm a bit poor as a godparent)

DentistWimp · 23/02/2016 19:00

How old is your DD? If she's 2 or 3, then maybe. If she's 23 then let it go.

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 19:03

Not fallen out no. One is a good friend but she moved away. I travelled and visited her last autumn on my own. Her dc are late teens. I supported her when her dh had an affair and through lots of tough times. We are still friends from a distance which is why I'd hoped for a card. We were like sisters and she's also gp to dd2 and 3. One was my bridesmaid. We've drifted apart as she never bothered after dd's 1st birthday (dd now 8) and it became a very one sided friendship. To be fair I was not expecting anything from her. And the 3rd was dh's uncle who couldn't have dc (long story) but was emotional and overwhelmed we asked him and bought dd a very generous baptism gift for which we were very grateful. We always send him a card and gift for his birthday (usually amazon vouchers) but really wondering why now.

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DaisyDando · 23/02/2016 19:07

Being a Godparent is an honour, but it's really expensive.

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 19:08

My god daughter's are 18 and 15. It never occurred to me to ignore them. When their dm died (they're sisters) I was there for them despite the distance, never missed a birthday and they've been to stay in the summer holidays. Looks like the eldest will be a uni near me so I intend to visit. I just feel I accepted being gp which just means I will be a part of their life and that can be as much or as little as works for you but something rather than nothing at all.

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Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 19:09

Sending a birthday card is all I want. Even a text to me to say they're thinking about dd. I'm not after stuff at all!

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Bogeyface · 23/02/2016 19:12

Are you committed church going christians? Not goady, it affects my feelings on this!

Bogeyface · 23/02/2016 19:13

And are the GPs you chose for your children church going committed Christians?

dreamerlemur · 23/02/2016 19:13

To be honest I wouldn't beat yourself up too much as you picked who was best at that moment in time. I think what you have described happens quite often. I picked three 'God parents' although it was a naming day and only one is fulfilling the role in a way I would describe as 'properly'.

theycallmemellojello · 23/02/2016 19:13

I think that if they've moved away and you don't speak to them otherwise they might feel uncomfortable uni-laterally contacting the kids. How about sending them updates about stuff that goes on in school, pictures etc? It has to be a two way thing. But maybe you can give them a hint by getting it started?

theycallmemellojello · 23/02/2016 19:16

Also - get the kids to send them cards on their birthdays! Then they'll surely take the hint and reciprocate. I agree with a PP that inviting them to birthday parties is a good call too - that also gives them a reminder of the upcoming birthday. Or maybe just invite them on a day out, saying that you'd love them to play a more active part in your DCs' life?

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 19:16

I do contact 2 of them and do updates. We see uncle and speak to him.

Yes we attend church most weeks and dc attend a church school. One gp runs a vineyard church and the other two did go to church but not sure if they still do.

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DentistWimp · 23/02/2016 19:18

I'm starting to feel a bit guilty now. I'm on the flip side. I don't actually like my god daughter. The last time she was at my house she was quite rude, actually, looking back, she's always been rude. She called me fat and lazy when she was 5 and I wouldn't get off her chair (I was actually breastfeeding my own baby DD at the time). She's a bit of a flake and keeps dropping out of courses. I send her money at Christmas and occasionally I get a thank you note from her mother.

Bogeyface · 23/02/2016 19:23

The reason I asked is because some people choose GPs on the basis that "its my sister so I ought to" or because that person would really love it, without considering whether that person sees being a godparent in the same way that you do.

I do wish people would discuss it more before asking people. I do not have a faith now, but I used to and I put my best friends nose well out of joint when I asked a member of the church to be DSs godparent and not her. I knew that the church member would take it seriously and view it as a lifelong commitment. Friend saw it as a badge of honour at the baptism and nothing more. Like being a bridesmaid at a wedding.

Why did you choose them? What made you think that they would view it as seriously as you do?

queenofthepirates · 23/02/2016 19:28

Why has no one ever asked me to be a Godparent? I'd make a fabulous one but I've never been asked....

That aside, I send a reminder email to my DD's GP a few weeks before her birthday-nothing awful just a casual invite to a birthday party kind of, hasn't time flown and she's five now.... sort of thing. That way they don't forget but if they send nothing, that's fine too (I need reminding about birthdays sometimes). I also nominated four to be on the safe side. Two are super involved, two less so but I figure they may be later on in life.

PoohBearsHole · 23/02/2016 19:35

I made some appalling go choices which make me so sad now 😢 but I also made two very great choices, one for each. The shit ones get my goat though!

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 19:37

I chose df as we'd become close and we shared our faith. Tbh she was an amazing df and I just think she's very busy. She'd probably be upset if she knew I was upset. Still hurts. Dh's uncle was also a carefully thought out decision with a discussion about whether it was something he'd want to do. 3rd was my eldest df from school.
We have another df who is like an honoury gp/uncle but didn't believe in God so not actual gp. He sent a message as he'd forgotten a card - I have no issue with this at all. It's a thought for dd.

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Original poster
m0therofdragons · 23/02/2016 19:40

I put up a fb post with a photo of dd's cake which all 3 would have seen. That was 4 days before her birthday.
Dh was the one who pointed it out. Mostly that we send his uncle a gift every year and he can't even manage a bloody card.

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LarrytheCucumber · 23/02/2016 19:42

I had three godparents. One disappeared from my life when I was about three, one lost interest in me when she moved away when I was a teenager, and one stayed the course until she died. It happens. People change, lives change. Looking back I am grateful for the one I had.

CooPie10 · 23/02/2016 19:42

The thing is while you have chosen them to play a specific role to your children, you have also placed an added obligation in their lives. An additional birthday, special holidays and other events to send gifts, cards etc. It is a very long commitment as well. I just think you need to let it go, people are busy and have maybe much more pressing issues going on. If they are on the whole good to and care about your dc I think these obligatory gestures are not that important.