To feel so disappointed that dh and I made such bad choices in dd's god parents

[m0therofdragons]

She's had another birthday with none of her god parents sent a card. I'm not grabby and don't care about presents but to not even send a card. I'm disappointed for dd that people we felt would always be part of our lives can't be bothered with her. One is a relative too. I can't really confront them as what would that achieve? I can't think of any way to approach it other than forget she even has god parents.

none of my childrens god parents have in any way shape or form ever done anything godparenty....come to think of it, theyve never even done anything at all.....we arent religious at all, so it doesnt bother me...i chose who i thought at the time, would like the honour, but i knew it would be an honour in name only.

since then, my best friend split with her partner at the time, who was also a god mother, and got married, so i asked her new wife to be an honorary god mother....again, as an honour thing....since them BFF (of almost 25 years) have had a huge falling out and havent spoken to each other for over 2 years, and my BIL (a godfather) isnt a big part of our lives apart from a chat in the local supermarket where we shop and he works.

It all depends how much god parents mean to you and your children in the spiritual sense.....to me it was like choosing your best man or bridesmaids.....someone who you think a lot of at the time, or want to show them how much they mean to you by asking them, but you dont expect much to change after the wedding.

Im failing miserably at putting my thoughts down from my brain to screen, so I hope you get my gist xxx

I'm godmother to my niece. Unfortunately, it's DH's sister - and we never see them anymore - for complicated reasons that I'm not sure I'm fully aware of- but basically because she and her H are so weirdly controlling, competitive and difficult about everything that DH can't stand them. It makes me feel a bit sad really, because we all got on well for a while.

On the other hand, I haven't got a clue who my godparents are

Fatty

You say you are not religious at all, so why did you have them baptised?

Unfortunately, some people make a point of choosing childless couples as Godparents, thinking that those godparents are more likely to lavish lots more money on their Godchildren (not having to fork out for their own)
When the Godparents do decide to have children, the Godchild's parents can and do get pissy about it.

I know, because it happened to us.
During our childless years (which were many) we were asked by no less than 5 (yes 5) couples to be GP's to their children.

We tried our best to keep in touch with all of the them, but as soon as we had a child of our own, two of the couples seemed to get funny with us. As a result we have lost contact.
Makes me wonder what their real motives for asking us were in the first place.

The other God Children's parents are lovely and it makes us easy to have involvement in their children's lives.

I am god mother to my niece who I see and to another child now 25 who o haven't in years. We were very young when chosen and didn't tale it seriously.

We arnt religious so never bothered about Christning our own 4. Pointless.

Op if you arnt religious or expect owt why are you bothered?

I'd heard lots of tales of godparents disappearing so I was careful to choose people we thought would always be in our lives. So my sister and BIL are my son's godparents. Ffwd a few years and my sister decided she didn't want to see us any more. Gutted. (She did turn up at my son's confirmation recently after 2 year absence so perhaps the godparents duties were still on her conscience).
This time for my daughter chose two dear loyal friends as godmother and my son (11) is her godfather.

YANBU. Some of my friends have fantastic relationships with their godparents to this day. My godmother ran off with a married man and we never heard from her again. My brother's godfather stole money from everyone, including my grandmother, to feed a fruit machine addiction, and ended up in prison. It's a shame but you can't control it and you made what you thought was the best choice at the time :(

I am a godparent to two children, one of whom is now an adult. You would probably consider me to be a total failure as I confess I am crap at remembering their birthdays.

On the other hand, I paid my godson's accomodation fees through 3 years of uni.

Your child's godparents may be totally crap. Or they might just be busy disorganised people whose hearts are in the right place. From what you've told us we can have no idea which, but maybe you can. The question is less "are they there for birthdays" and more "would they be there if it really mattered?". So decide that one, and take it from there.

iwuddarryl Also I think that a lot of people choose childless people as they think it will be some sort of compensation. My Uncle and Aunt had 9 godchildren between them when they realised (overheard drunken convo) that they were asked because people felt sorry for them for not being able to have their own children. That really upset them because they had accepted because they wanted to be Godparents and in those childrens lives as such, not as some sort of sop for lack of their own children.

My sister and her husband have been asked many times since their infertility became common knowledge (their choice, they were sick of people asking). They say no as they have no religious beliefs, but they are under no illusions as to why they were asked. :(

It sounds like they perhaps just didn't know what was expected of them. To be fair, as a non Christian person I don't think I would have either. I have a vague idea that they are supposed to be guardians of some sort but that's about it. I bet it's not uncommon though - the people you expect to be supportive when you have a baby often aren't, and then you make the most amazing friends along the way. It's a pity you can't choose godparents later on instead!

On the other hand, I paid my godson's accomodation fees through 3 years of uni.

I think that's why DH and I were originally chosen. They possibly thought that not having children of our own, we would be able to dig deep into our pockets over the ensuing years.
We didnt have our own children at the time and a lot of people (us included) didn't think we ever would have children.
We were a good choice at the time.

So when we did have a child, I bet it messed u their long term plans p as any spare money was going to going to be spent on our own child.

Two of couples gradually tapered off contact with us.
Not the other way around.

I've never really got the godparent thing. I have only a passing interest in DC who are not my own or my family. I tend to assume most people feel the same (MN often bears me out on this ) and so I don't expect non family members to be remotely interested in my DC. I would not have felt comfortable asking a friend to be godparent as in my eyes it would have been conferring an obligation (a long term and expensive one) rather than an honour. I also wouldn't have wanted to risk my DC being hurt when/if the godparent lost interest.

Of course if you have a friend who does truly love your DC then that is great but they don't need the title if godparent to be involved.

I technically have one Godchild...which I feel very hypocritical about, as I'm atheist, but firstly in the area there is over subscription for faith schools (whole other ish topic) and secondly as I was thrilled to take the role in the moral guidance capacity. The other two siblings are equally my Godchildren only not fully signed up holy water cross thing. I love them all to bursting. None of them are aware they aren't all my GC nominally. And it definitely doesn't equate to unequal school project construction. That WOULD cause ructions.

Surely it's a bit pot luck though if you are inviting people to be religious guidance when you don't truly believe (even if I don't I can still respect others beliefs IYSWIM) and are close at that point in time? I could be a good pick since without my own kids undoubtedly I have more time for them and others. But seem to be a fair few posts about time and cash - not this post; generally - at odds with just moral guidance, and in extremis who might be carer. I've got that role unofficially with other friends too.

I think it's shit our schools need christenings to get places, but. If you're having a christening then what is your ACTUAL "use case", for want of a better phrase; why did you pick the GPs you did and then think about if you are BUR?

Oh they aren't cheap but I give time/activity in bucket loads and purchases limited. Refuse to buy big presents. Disgusting amounts of plastic in every parents' home I see more generally

I would not have felt comfortable asking a friend to be godparent as in my eyes it would have been conferring an obligation

But it is an obligation! It is an obligation within the eyes of the church that the parents claim to be part of in order that their child gets into their school of choice

Thats why, as someone who does not believe in a deity, I would refuse if asked. Not because I dont care about the child but because I would be promising to live my life as a Christian and to assist in bringing up that child as a Christian, neither of which I could do.

I respect the beliefs of others too much to make a mockery of their faith by pretending that I will do something I have no intention of doing just so I can be a special person on their special day. This is also why I wont attend baptisms or weddings in church for families that I know have no faith. I will not be part of that hypocrisy.

I do however send cards and gifts to my friends children. Because I love them.

Bogey yes indeed it is. And I think some people agree to be GPs because it's an honour and/or they would feel rude to refuse, but they don't in fact really want the obligations that come with (or not beyond the first few years anyway).

I too would refuse - for the same reasons as you, but also because I don't want to feel obliged to buy cards and presents for a friend's child for the rest of their life. The atheism reason is socially acceptable but the not wanting to have to sort out cards and gifts is not.

mini If, when I had a faith, someone asked me to GP on the basis of gifts expected then they would be disappointed. Being a GP is giving the gift of spiritual guidance, not monetary gifts. I can do spiritual guidance (as long as you are happy with "Its all a lie, a LIE I TELL YOU!" :o ) but asking someone to be a GP and then getting stroppy because they dont buy the kid a car for their 18th tells me that they had a baptism for the wrong reasons.

I think the problem is that the interpretation of the role of a GP varies so much. It's probably best when you ask someone to discuss what you want or expect from them in that role, and they can decide if they are up to it.

I can understand you would be disappointed, but other choices might not have been any different. Many children don't have godparents at all (I don't) and unless you have build up their expectations, they won't be hurt by how it's turned out.

Totally with you Bogey, and yet, and yet, many (perhaps most) parents do seem to think a GPs main duty is the buying of cards and presents. See this thread for example...

Xmasbaby discussing expectations works in theory, but in practice most parents are not going to say "I want you as godparent to send my child a card/present every year" (even if that's really what they do expect). And if they did say that, most prospective GPs are not going to say "I'm not really up for endless card and present buying" (even if that's really how they feel).

I'm an atheist but my DH isn't and he wanted our DC christened , they have a godmother in common who has always been fantastic ,not in any religious way but has always shown an interest ,asks after them ,sends cards and is generally someone you could rely on . Dhs brother is a godfather to both as well and frankly he is pretty shit at being an uncle so I doubt he remembers he is God father as well . The other 2 are my eldest sister who is a good aunt and one of dhs oldest friends who frankly is more rubbish than the uncle . No loss really as one DC is undecided and the other is agnostic .

"I think the problem is that the interpretation of the role of a GP varies so much. It's probably best when you ask someone to discuss what you want or expect from them in that role, and they can decide if they are up to it."

Exactly this, for some it's spiritual guidance, for others it's gifts, for yet others it's being there when the parents can't be. Godparents aren't important in the culture I come from, they are for the ceremony only unfortunately so if I were asked to be godmother, I would need clarification on what exactly is expected of me, as my one godparent is a family member who stood by my mum at the christening and nothing else.

You need a role model really, if you didn't have an involved godparent yourself (or it was an uncle or aunt so the godparent aspect wasn't clear), how would you know what to do yourself?

Oh FGS she is your daughter not theirs.

I have one "not a"godchild and about 15 other kids I have a surrogate aunt role for/with.

I also have a busy professional job and a shed load of stuff going on in my own life. I've missed birthdays like they are going out of fashion for the past 18months.

I still care about these kids and virtually always get them a gift (usually a book) if I'm going to see them but managing to organise a card is a bit beyond me at the moment. In fact one had her first birthday on Sunday and I've only just texted her Mum.

My godfather was my mum's best friends dad, he supported my nan and mum.when my grandad died young blah blah

Shit godfather, insult to injury? He was a bloody Vicar AND he christened me.

I'm a godparent. I am not a religious person and my friend (who chose me) did know this. I have never done anything even remotely "godparent-ish" but then, I did try to refuse in the nicest possible way.

I think you need to let this go.