Am I asking too much of the school?

[marmitenot]

My 17y old has severe and debilitating mental health problems. One manifestation of this is that she has developed overwhelming anxiety around homework and handing it in on time. She is practically paralysed by anxiety to the extent that she won't write it down at school and then lies about having done it.
I can support her to do the homework in a less pressured way but have asked the school to tell me what the homework is each day so that I can support her to make sure it get's done at home.
The school have said they are unable to do this. Am I being unreasonable to ask them?
Her doctor says it is very important for her mental health to remain in school. (She missed a few months of school last year because of her problems). If it makes any difference she is in a private school and although they say they are supporting her, they claim that getting the teachers to tell us the homework is just impossible. She is doing A'levels so there are only a small number of teachers involved.

State school teacher here - the school are being absolutely, utterly unreasonable. I frequently do this for students - often emailing parents hwk, or writing down in planners for students.

I have a similar (but not exactly the same) situation with a year 12 student atm. We are - rightly - bending over backwards to help her out, help her feel safe, help her feel comfortable.

My advice would be to politely persist - you're a customer, and a loyal one at that. Keep on at them, remain polite, be assertive.

Thank you for all your comments.
I feel my daughter is emotionally capable of doing a'levels with support. The support from me includes sitting her down at night with a drink and a snack to help her start her homework, keeping checking in with her to make sure she hasn't stopped, making sure she goes to bed at a reasonable time and doesn't worry about missed homework.

The support I would like from the school includes telling me the homework so that when she doesn't write it down I still know she has to do it. I can then help her to do it in the way described above.

She suffers from severe anxiety in other areas but this area seems like it could be something can can be eased with a small amount of effort from the school.

How will she cope with the actual exams though?

Well she managed 11 GCSEs (which was what - 25 exams?) having missed months of school, so it wouldn't be unreasonable to her give A levels a shot if she wants to.

... for her to give...

The work itself doesn't seem to be an issue. When she completes her homework it is done well. Her anxiety seems to centre around the consequences of not doing the homework which stops her from being able to write it down, do it or even sometimes hand it in once it is done. I know this isn't logical but it is a cycle of anxiety that she is currently experiencing.

The school should be making reasonable adjustments to accommodate your daughters needs. Failure to do so is disability discrimination - the type of school is irrelevant here. Disability presents in many ways and in the case of your daughter it is her anxiety. You need to meet with the school, have the meeting documented and explain your reasons to them as to why she is capable of doing these A levels but why they need to make reasonable adjustments to accommodate her issues to allow her to access the workload.

"Dear TwatTutor,

11 A* GCSEs show my daughter is more than capable of doing A levels. As you are aware her mental health problems as documented by our GP require some reasonable adjustments to be made so that she is able to fulfil her academic potential..."

I can't believe anyone is questioning that she should be doing A Levels. What else is someone with 11 A*s supposed to do - sit at home? Get an apprenticeship? A minimum wage job? Come on. With support, she can do it. But that support can't just be parental, the school have a duty to support her.

OP - if you want help wording a response to the school PM me. We are petrified of parents being cross.

I can't believe that response . Appalling lack of pastoral care from any school, let alone a private one.

As well as having an online system we (private prep) have to have sticky labels printed out with the prep on it to stick in the homework diaries of children who have difficulties with writing (that or write it in ourselves)

I would word a stronger reply back. Yes, you don't want to upset them if they want her out but you can be both polite and firm. And nothing wrong with mentioning the DDA (if it definitely applies? I have mental health problems, including anxiety, but have never thought of myself as disabled. Mental health and mental disability are very different though the latter can cause the former. I'm really not sure, though, maybe it does count).

manic any condition whether physical or mental (that's health or disability) that impairs your ability to carry out day to day tasks for a significant length of time would be covered under the Equality Act.

I was questioning whether a student who can't physically bring herself to write down homework as she is so overwhelmed with anxiety and who has missed months of school should be in sixth form in that pressurised environment. If her mental health is that poor she could be at home recovering.

If an adult posted that they were unable to cope with their job in this way, I'm sure many would advise getting signed off.

Writing down the homework is just skirting around the issue. This child needs proper medical support for her anxiety. I assume she is getting therapy and perhaps medication.

My questioning was nothing to do with academics.

If the only issue is writing down homework, then a discussion with the school is needed, but it seems that the school may have other concerns.

That's a fair question Noble. Her psych team believes it is important for her mental health for her to be in school. What social network she has managed to maintain is at school. She is on medication to help with her anxiety. She wants to be in school despite her problems and we think that school could be made a less stressful environment with some small adjustments.
Easing the homework issue will not solve all her problems but it would remove one stressor and enable her to benefit from the social aspects of school and help her feel like her friends.

At home recovering? What, like the rest cure? Do you know anything about mental health? That's the absolute last thing a teen with mental health problems should be doing.

If the school have other concerns, they would surely have communicated this by now - it's six months in to the academic year.

My DD1 (15) has ADHD and is at a state school.
We came to an arrangement after diagnosis at 14 where the teachers email me major/important homework assignments (in Scotland she is doing external exams that require coursework to be completed).
This is so I can support her - stop her procrastination/forgetting and get her organised. For me the most important thing is she doesn't fail as incomplete.
This has resulted in mixed success.
Her main guidance teacher changed and didn't know she had ADHD. We got letters home saying from one dept telling us she hadn't completed things etc...but after being told they have started emailing me and a couple of her other teachers have been great too.
But one I was furious with - at parents' evening a few weeks ago, out of the blue they suggested she didn't do the exam as she would fail. Mainly it seems because she hasn't completed her coursework...I did get angry, I hadn't been told and apparently the teacher knew but hadn't told me. Teacher then said they would email me what was outstanding etc - they still haven't...
But from what I picked up at parent's evening she has done what is required and it seems she will now scrape a pass. She will drop it next year -I would want her too anyway - quite honestly that whole department seems to be badly run (recurrent problems with the class being disrupted over the years -not by DD - and bullying behaviour being ignored etc...)
She's on track to do quite well in her other subjects...
However I would say just because someone is clever doesn't mean they are best suited to following an academic path...and there are more important things in life - like being happy. She should be able to do whatever job she wants as long as it will allow her to support herself in a manner that she is content with. From the sounds of things she is putting herself under too much pressure - suffering from fear of failure. You know your child but remember she can always go back into education as an adult, when she wants to/is ready...
(I probably have ADHD too - dropped out of school etc - went back and did A levels in my late 20s, got a degree from a top uni and got a Phd...and enjoyed doing it all...)

Waffles removing a mentally ill teenager from what may be a source of unmanageable stress is hardly the last thing you should do.

marmite my dd suffers terribly with anxiety to the point that she physically can't write or draw particularly on or about topics she finds difficult. School have had to make adjustments, she's had a reduced timetable, different texts, different test papers, no peer marking, assessment away from her peers, she doesn't do any biology the school prepare extra physics and chemistry work,she doesn't do PE,the list is endless tbh but they do whatever it takes to keep her in school and achieving alongside keeping me in the loop one step ahead so that I can support her too.
What you are asking for is a tiny adjustment so repeat your request more assertively and don't forget to mention the legal requirement to make reasonable adjustments.

Have just received an email questioning my daughter's ability to do a'levels if she can not write down her homework.

Id be really pissed off with this! Sadly, I can't advise you, but I know there are plenty of very knowledgeable MNers who can.

marmite what are her predicted grades? I can see a clash between your desire to maintain your DD's social network and the school's desire to maintain their results profile - they are a business after all. Is there a way around needing their cooperation? Could a friend of your DD note the homework for her?

nobleit shouldn't fall to her friends to provide the support. The school are legally obliged to make reasonable adjustments whether they are state/ independent/ selective/religiously affiliated or whatever combination you like.

insanity I know it shouldn't be up to her friends, but private schools (in general) have a reputation for managing out problem kids. The email suggesting that the DD should not be doing A-levels at all hints at that thinking.

The OP wants to keep her DD in school. If the school want her out then teachers forgetting to email important deadlines ("we told you it could be an issue") could cause more stress than solve the problem.

Currently predicted a's and b's

But private schools have to follow the law too. I'd be mentioning disability discrimination tbh purely because that may be the only way the OP has some leverage to keep her dd in the school because like you I suspect they are going to offload her.

Send her in with a diary and tell her tutor you would like the teacher of each class to write in the homework, and get your dd to put it on their desk.

Or email each teacher every day until they realise you wont stop until they start helping.

I don't see why the school find it such a problem tbh. Today I've had two lots of homework sent to me, an overview of the texts dd will be studying in English this half term, the science topics for this half term alongside an invitation for me to speak to both teachers about which aspects dd will struggle with and what they can offer as an alternative and an email from the SENCo advising of a change of teacher for one subject for one lesson each week. In her form group there are 28 pupils,there are 1500 pupils in the school.