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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I asking too much of the school?

101 replies

marmitenot · 22/02/2016 11:05

My 17y old has severe and debilitating mental health problems. One manifestation of this is that she has developed overwhelming anxiety around homework and handing it in on time. She is practically paralysed by anxiety to the extent that she won't write it down at school and then lies about having done it.
I can support her to do the homework in a less pressured way but have asked the school to tell me what the homework is each day so that I can support her to make sure it get's done at home.
The school have said they are unable to do this. Am I being unreasonable to ask them?
Her doctor says it is very important for her mental health to remain in school. (She missed a few months of school last year because of her problems). If it makes any difference she is in a private school and although they say they are supporting her, they claim that getting the teachers to tell us the homework is just impossible. She is doing A'levels so there are only a small number of teachers involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
marmitenot · 22/02/2016 14:36

Thank you all. We have been made to feel entirely unreasonable for requesting this by the school so it is good to get some other opinions.

We do think they are trying to push her out which is so frustrating as with a small amount of effort on their part she could do extremely well, be a much less stressed child and improve their stats.

OP posts:
ProfGrammaticus · 22/02/2016 15:39

I just don't think you are being unreasonable.

Is she yr 12 or 13? If yr13 you have little to lose so you may as well go in all guns blazing and research the Disability Discrimination Act, or ask about it on here.

If she's yr12 I'm a bit worried that it sounds as though they think she won't be staying until the end of the course, ie they don't think she will get the grades this summer to proceed to upper sixth. What are her GCSEs like and how long has she been at the school? (I'm trying to gauge their level of responsibility IYSWIM).

IdaJones · 22/02/2016 15:46

I agree with "I can see this being an unfair extra workload to place on a state school teacher but you have gone private for a reason, you are paying for the extra help and pastoral care,"

Naicehamshop · 22/02/2016 15:53

Crikey - what exactly are you paying for here?? My sons went to a state secondary, and their homework was online, plus any links.

Don't want to be unkind, but this sounds like completely the wrong sort of school for a child who is already highly stressed and anxious. If I had a child who was "practically paralysed by anxiety" I would definitely be looking at a school that was less geared to high academic results and one that showed more concerns about her mental health. I think that you may be contributing to some major psychological damage here; I would seriously consider moving her to a different school.

ProfGrammaticus · 22/02/2016 16:10

She might not want to move though, naice, you can hardly move a 17yo unless they want to move. And she'd have to start the year again most likely. It's just not that simple.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/02/2016 16:23

Ask the school for more support. In the meantime does she have a good friend who could send her details of the homework. e.g. DS1 has photographed the HW with his phone before now and sent it to a friend who had left it in school.

insan1tyscartching · 22/02/2016 16:28

Ida dd's school is a state comprehensive and they quite happily send me dd's homework, it's a reasonable adjustment and as such OP's school are legally obliged to make the same reasonable adjustments and any others required because OP's dd's mental health problems would mean that she is protected by the Equality Act.

GoblinLittleOwl · 22/02/2016 16:30

It is a minor thing...the teacher only has to email or stick a note in DDs bag.

Just one more 'only' thing to add to a very long list.

Naicehamshop · 22/02/2016 16:31

So what's the alternative Prof? Long term mental health issues??

The poor girl probably can't see the wood for the trees, with all the stress that she seems to be under. This may be the right moment for a adult to talk to her gently about her needs and hopes, and perhaps mention that there are different types of schools out there and that she doesn't have to continue at this one if it is causing her serious distress. Starting the year again would be a small price to pay if it made her feel less overwhelmed with stress and anxiety imo.

Original poster
marmitenot · 22/02/2016 19:13

Buoyed by the comments on here I emailed the school today requesting that we are informed of homework. Have just received an email questioning my daughter's ability to do a'levels if she can not write down her homework.

My daughter has 11 a stars at GCSEs and is capable of doing a'levels. Any advice on what to do next?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 22/02/2016 19:19

Doesn't matter whether it's private, state, academic, selective, non academic.......it's a perfectly reasonable adjustment.

Have you contacted the Head and the SENCO?

oh, and lots of state schools have homework online too, you know!

Original poster
marmitenot · 22/02/2016 19:24

Learning support have been copied into my request and the reply from her tutor. This is the first time they have been involved as I have just been dealing with her tutor so far.

Along with the suggestion that she is incapable of completing a'levels is the statement that informing us of homework is unsustainable even in the short term.

OP posts:
ProfGrammaticus · 22/02/2016 19:24

I would go in and talk to them. Is she year 12 or 13? How long has she been there?

insan1tyscartching · 22/02/2016 19:25

You email them back and remind them of the need to make reasonable adjustments on account of your daughter's difficulties. You tell them that under the Equality Act 2010 your daughter is disabled "You're disabled under the Equality Act 2010 if you have a physical or mental impairment that has a 'substantial' and 'long-term' negative effect on your ability to do normal daily activities". and as such, failure to make the necessary reasonable adjustments so that she isn't disadvantaged as a result of her disability is unlawful and you will have no choice but to raise this with the Disability Rights Commission.

ProfGrammaticus · 22/02/2016 19:27

I wouldn't do that. If she's in year 12 and new to the school I would tread more cautiously than that.

Original poster
marmitenot · 22/02/2016 19:27

Year 12. Has been there since she was 11. We have had previous face to face discussions where they fobbed us off on this point. I am bringing it up again because I think it would really help her.

OP posts:
monkeysox · 22/02/2016 19:28

She may need a break from school if writing homework down is causing this much upset for you. Go and meet with the senco and ask for their suggestions. Trial email system for a couple of weeks maybe?

I would agree that even an ill a level student would usually be able to note down homework.

SoupDragon · 22/02/2016 19:30

Have you asked her teachers directly?

noblegiraffe · 22/02/2016 19:32

She might be academically capable of doing A-levels but is she mentally capable?

A student who can't write homework down because she is overwhelmed does not sound like a student who will be able to cope with the pressure of revision timetables and high-stakes external exams.

How is she keeping up with her studies if she missed several months and hasn't been completing homework? Why do you think that the school emailing the homework will be the solution?

Why does the doc think that staying in an environment that causes such anxiety is the best place for her?

This isn't just about writing down homework.

insan1tyscartching · 22/02/2016 19:32

I have only ever once mentioned discrimination and the school at the time couldn't perform cartwheels fast enough to put things right because no school wants tarnishing with a discrimination label. What started out with them being unable to take ds on a trip ended with the LA providing a relief HT, free coach transport and driver, ds's teacher as his 1 to 1 support and the school's HT leading the trip.

ProfGrammaticus · 22/02/2016 19:32

Right. So they had the benefit of her GCSE results on their website and they have been responsible for her secondary education so far. Presumably they want the best for her and have their reasons for disagreeing with you. They must know her reasonably well. Maybe she presents differently at school. Do they feel that she is capable of doing this if she is capable of making notes in lessons? I think you need to go in and talk to them. Email won't sort this out. Is there a school counsellor? (I would expect one at this type of school. For "free.")

ProfGrammaticus · 22/02/2016 19:33

I know, insanity. But this is a private school. They don't have to keep anyone they don't want to keep.

BertrandRussell · 22/02/2016 19:34

Marmite- I have just texted the SENCO at our school, and asked her (she's a friend of mine). She said that if we didn't have the online system, she would expect teachers to at least write down the homework for your daughter, and she would push hard for them to email it to you. She said that most wouldn't have a problem with doing this for someone like your dd. She suggests you go directly to the Head, and to governors or equivalent.

insan1tyscartching · 22/02/2016 19:38

But would they want to try and get rid of her knowing that a parent was going to show they were being discriminatory? As I see it OP has nothing to lose because it appears that the dd "doesn't fit the remit" threatening to expose discrimination might be the thing that keeps the dd in the school if that is what OP and her dd want.

MaudGonneMad · 22/02/2016 19:43

I agree with noblegiraffe.

Why is your daughter doing A Levels (and all the stresses they entail) when she cannot manage homework?

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