Am I asking too much of the school?

[marmitenot]

My 17y old has severe and debilitating mental health problems. One manifestation of this is that she has developed overwhelming anxiety around homework and handing it in on time. She is practically paralysed by anxiety to the extent that she won't write it down at school and then lies about having done it.
I can support her to do the homework in a less pressured way but have asked the school to tell me what the homework is each day so that I can support her to make sure it get's done at home.
The school have said they are unable to do this. Am I being unreasonable to ask them?
Her doctor says it is very important for her mental health to remain in school. (She missed a few months of school last year because of her problems). If it makes any difference she is in a private school and although they say they are supporting her, they claim that getting the teachers to tell us the homework is just impossible. She is doing A'levels so there are only a small number of teachers involved.

[Marilynsbigsister]

I have two views on this situation. The first is that the way to deal with any type of discrimination is most definitely never back down, nor ever apologise for requesting your (or your children's ) rights, The school is trying to bully you. Never give in to bullies... You are in the right. This school is appalling in its failure to adhere to even the basic requirements of the disability discrimination act. This is not something that's 'optional' just because it's a private school. You need to start quoting legislation and making it absolutely clear that you mean business. This is not a conversation to be had via email, this is a conversation to be had by a very very angry paying customer about their poor and illegal service provision, to the head.

Then..when you have won that battle...

You need to have a serious think about who wants these A'levels at the moment. It sounds very much like you have enormous expectations of this child, because she is undoubtably very bright and you have paid a fortune to ensure that brilliance produces exceptional results, sometimes however, very clever children feel that they are only valued when they keep producing the (academic ) goods.My feeling would be to take the pressure off. This mh issue has not happened over night. The pressure and expectation of 11 a* at GCSE would definitely have had an affect - to what degree I don't know, but it's certainly no walk in the park. That mammoth task and anxiety of results was less than 5 months ago. and she was already so unwell she missed several months of school. Time to take the foot off the gas. She needs a break, needs to do something that isn't 'be the best' goal orientated. Just something she enjoys. Absolutely not 'stay home and obsess with anxiety' ... But do a course she enjoys - photography, equine management/floristry anything, just not result driven academia.

There is no medal for getting 3 A levels at 18 rather than 22. but sure as eggs are eggs, pushing this now will mean she will last 5 minutes at university - especially a top one- which I presume is your intention. I say this as the mother of a bright super confident 1st year Uni student who hasn't really had a days anxiety in her life - yet has had several 'wobbles' in the first 2 terms...

[t1mum]

The law that is applicable to the independent sector is the Act 2010 [[https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/315587/Equality_Act_Advice_Final.pdf]] but I think you would need to demonstrate that her anxiety constitutes a disability i.e. "physical or mental impairment which has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on your ability to carry out normal day- to- day activities."

There is legislation [[https://www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/484418/supporting-pupils-at-school-with-medical-conditions.pdf]] which applies to the state sector but is not enforceable at independents. It's worth having a look at.

By using words like "reasonable adjustments" you will be alluding to the law but not thrusting it in their faces which may be the tactical thing to do at the moment.

However, whatever the legalities, I believe that you and they should aim to get a care plan in place (an individual health plan) if she has diagnosed anxiety and is under treatment. And certainly an individual learning plan.

My DSs are at a v selective prep school and one has an IHP (for his medical condition/disability) and one an ILP. Both have mild anxiety due to their medical condition/learning needs and the school is supportive. At the senior part of my DDs school (another selective independent) I know of girls getting the support your DD sounds like she needs, covering how the teachers can provide support in a range of scenarios.

So it should be able to be done. I would just be very calm with them. Ask for a meeting to put together an IHP. Think about whether you can involve any medical professionals (your DD's psychologist). Reiterate your support of the school and that with minor adjustments you believe your DD should be able to repeat the success of her GCSEs.

[t1mum]

Sorry I don't know what happened with my link there. Try this www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/315587/Equality_Act_Advice_Final.pdf

[timelytess]

Bearing in mind the realities of the teachers' day and that at 17, young people are expected to be fully capable of writing down and doing their homework so lessons and courses are set up for that, I think you are asking for something which is not easy for the school to deliver.

Instead, ask for a schedule of the homework for the half term. Each teacher almost certainly has one and a copy of it will help you support your dd. Why is half-term possible when lesson by lesson is less so? Because teachers plan in half term or termly blocks and a single photocopy or email will cover the half term.

I know exactly where she's coming from. I suffer from anxiety, too. It is extremely debilitating. If the opportunity arises, mindfulness, and a free introductory practical philosophy course offered by the School of Economic Science, can really help. Find out about PDA, too.

[t1mum]

timelytess - I know teachers are busy, but part of the role is to support students. In the same way that a teacher would be required to support a child with a hearing impairment or asthma, or to allow extra time for a student with processing speed issues, they need to make reasonable adjustments to support students with mental health concerns.

[t1mum]

It's not an "add-on" to the teacher's role, it's a fundamental part of their role.

[unlucky83]

timely I actually asked for that for DD1 - a long term homework plan - didn't matter if they kept to it or not really just so I had an idea of what was coming and I could remind DD.
And I was told that was too difficult, liable to change etc..
And I do completely sympathise with the need to handle the work load and how many children each teacher has to deal with ...but maybe you could do something for the whole class? I guess that only helps if you have more than one child who needs the extra support in each class. Having said that it must be more of a pain to send out why hasn't X done their homework letters - which we do get. I know the teachers won't have to write those but they will have to have a list for the office staff -surely less of a pain just to let a parent know?
And our school don't post things like that online (their website is a bit dire tbh) - but I wish they would....

[BertrandRussell]

OP- I don't know whether you saw my earlier post, but if your request isn't too much for the SENCO at a state school with 37% FSM and a ridiculously high SEN stat then it should be a cinch for a private school.

[marmitenot]

Hi Bertrand. That's really helpful. Given other people's experiences it seems clear that they don't want to do this rather than they would like to but they think it's impossible. Their email gave no practical reasons for not being able to do this.
The reality is that they find my daughter and her problems a nuisance that they would rather not have.
I am addressing this with the school as a learning support issue which I believe it is.

[timelytess]

timelytess - I know teachers are busy, but part of the role is to support students
You don't know anything like the level of 'busy' or you wouldn't take your approach. I gave an alternative suggestion which might work.

[marmitenot]

I am happy for the school to come up with the solution that works best for them. Weekly, half termly I don't mind. I do know that the solution must not involve my daughter asking for the work/ being expected to sort it because she just can not do that at the moment.

[ProfGrammaticus]

How did the GCSEs go, in terms of how was she around the exams, marmite? And what is the plan for after A levels? I kind of feel as if we are only discussing a very small part of a very big picture here.

[marmitenot]

There is most definitely a bigger picture.
Fine during the exams. In fact working at home with support and encouragement is comparatively easy. Her longer term plans are to go to uni but not straight after a'levels.

[insan1tyscartching]

timely dd is in year eight so encounters many more teachers than a year twelve student would and yet each of them ensure that I get her homework. Whether that is emailing me direct, writing it directly in her planner or liaison book or writing the homework on sticky labels (I assume when they are planning it) and sticking it in her book to do otherwise would be failing to make reasonable adjustments and so would be discriminatory. I'm pretty sure they are busy too but dd has a need for that support and one way or another that need is filled.
I find it difficult to believe that an independent school couldn't manage that small adjustment in what I assume is a small class with few if any other students with additional needs when dd's teachers have a class of 28 and at least two other students with high needs. I think it's more a case of not wanting to rather than being unable to tbh.

[bibliomania]

The thing about the discrimination is that we don't know the school's position on why they don't see it as a reasonable adjustment. If it's too much effort, the school's position is hard to defend. If they don't think it's reasonable for the reasons raised by noblegiraffe, the school's position is a lot stronger.

Whatever happens, for the sake that all that is holy, if your dd does well and goes to university, do not push for a similar kind of arrangement there.

[insan1tyscartching]

It is discriminatory regardless Biblio, OP has identified a need that is directly as a result of her dd's disability (because I would assume that without the crippling anxiety she would be able, and most likely has been able to in the past, to write down her own homework) OP has also identified a means (a reasonable adjustment) of ensuring that her dd is able to complete the necessary homework with considerable support from herself.
The school's feelings as to whether they want to/ feel the need to/ feel it's reasonable/ question the likelihood as to OP's dd's ability to cope doesn't come into it to be frank.
This is the law,it isn't discretionary it has to be complied with. You don't get to choose whether or not you stick to the speed limit likewise the school doesn't get to choose whether or not they make the reasonable adjustments needed so that OP's dd isn't disadvantaged by her disability.

[insan1tyscartching]

Oh and as for university her dd will be able to apply for Disabled Students Allowance and will be able to have all manner of adjustments made for her whether that's with regards to accommodation, accessing the curriculum, support with assignments and assessments and exams. In my experience universities are very switched on when it comes to student support.

[bibliomania]

Yes, but it isn't the OP's unilateral decision as to what is a reasonable adjustment. The school would have a good legal defence if they can show that it's not reasonable. It's not about the school's "feelings", it's about an objective assessment of what is reasonable.

I know about universities - I work in one. And you still get parents trying to hover over students making all sorts of demands that go well beyond reasonable adjustments. Doesn't turn out well.

[insan1tyscartching]

I would think that it would be impossible for the school to argue such a minor adjustment is unreasonable to be frank. You are talking of something that would probably take no more than an hour at most over the course of one week, so possibly ten minutes from each individual teacher. I'd imagine IPSEA or SOSSEN would have a field day if they were made aware.
Regardless as to whether schools/universities and even yourself like it people with disabilities are protected these days from discrimination and it would be foolish to think that where the line as to what is reasonable is drawn is anyway near to what the OP wants certainly it falls far short of all the adjustments dd's school make and I haven't even had to remind them of their obligation in order for them to make them willingly and without question.

[bibliomania]

The thing is, we don't know what the school's reasoning is. We can speculate, but that doesn't get us very far.

[marmitenot]

I think the school's reasoning is if she is too ill to write down the homeworks she is too ill to be at school.
Our reasoning is that with reasonable adjustments she is able to do her homeworks, continue her education and enjoy the social benefits of school which improve her mental health. Her medical team believe that school is the right place for her.

[Julietee]

I am angry that 15 years after my own poor experiences of a private school failing to deal with anxiety problems that this is still an issue for students like your DD.
Their comments are unacceptable and they are discriminating against her.

Fwiw, I was a straight a* student who started falling behind with hw and getting poor results on mocks in my sixth form years. My school's response was to bollock me and punish by not awarding special status badges that all sixth formers got as a matter of course, rather than asking why a bright kid was suddenly failing.
I had severe, undiagnosed anxiety and OCD. And, at that point, depression. I would have killed for a switched on parent like you to act as my advocate. You're doing a great job.

[insan1tyscartching]

Keep going Marmite you are right and you have the medical team onside. There is no way the school could argue what you are asking for is unreasonable not least because it is done by other schools for other children.
Julie I am so sorry your experience of school wasn't better, I suspect though that with the best advocate in the world you might not have fared any better because back then you weren't protected by the Equality Act.

[QueenJuggler]

marmite - you sound like a wonderful mother. I suspect you might have a battle on your hands with this school, so is there an alternative as an interim measure? Your DD sounds like she has a good circle of friends - is there someone in each class who could act as a homework buddy and email you every night?

[bibliomania]

OP, I don't know you, your dd or the school, so obviously I don't know who is right. If the school is saying that she is not benefitting from being in school and would be better off in a different environment rather than limping on with workarounds, I think it's worth giving some careful thought about maybe they have a point. They could be totally wrong - again, I don't know.

It sometimes happens that parents - out of entirely good intentions - have a very rigid idea about the One Right Course for their dcs, and sometimes that's not helping. I understand your medical team are saying one thing, and I'm not dismissing that, but the school see her in that environment every day, so it's worth considering their viewpoint.

We've heard a lot about what you want and what the medical team wants and what the school wants. I'm not seeing an awful lot about what your dd wants (and that is not necessarily what she feels obliged to say to you).

It's worth thinking about the voices that challenge us. They might be wrong, but it's important to think about it conscientiously rather than just immediately reject them.

I'll stop preaching now - I think I'm over-reacting to posters saying "You're great! Keep fighting!" Sometimes people get very invested as seeing themselves as involved in a heroic struggle against the oppressor, and it's really counter-productive.