How often should I expect my ex-husband to see my 10yo daughter?

[CindySkewbald]

So we split up 5 weeks ago on my instigation for various reasons. My ex made a huge fuss about how the non-resident parent never has a relationship with their child. I haven't at all been obstructive about my daughter seeing her father, but sadly father hasn't exactly been proactive about arranging things.

Anyway. One of the reasons we split was his lack of involvement so I'm not surprised nothings changed. My question is AIBU to expect him to have my daughter overnight a couple of times a month? I would like a bit of time to myself and was thinking he could pick her up from school on a Friday and then bringing her back on Saturday could be arranged to suit us all.

How often would your dd like to see her father, and for how long?

Is he living somewhere suitable to have her overnight?

Yanbu

What does your DD want?

A default would be at least four weekend nights a month, possibly a midweek night each week.

The most usual pattern ( I work in this area) is every other weekend and a midweek evening if work permits. The details vary between families and there's never a one size fits all, but that's the average in my experience.

Some families do one night every weekend (quite limiting if you want to do weekends away with or without the children), two nights alternate weekends is more common.

Yanbu... not that that practically makes any difference of course

You can't really expect anything. If he isn't keen on being involved you cannot force him.

Thanks for the replies. I think I'm disappointed because of the hoohah he made about it when we split. He likes to appear to be the big man, he's never grown up as far as I can see.

I don't want to give details as I don't want any of us to be identified, but daughter would love to see him (I've asked her about overnights etc), he is somewhere I am happy for DD to go for an overnight stay, ie he has to make an effort because another family member lives in the same house so he has to be responsible and not just get shitfaced, she would have her own bedroom.

OP - can I encourage you to proceed with sensitivity? It sounds as if you have every reason to be frustrated with your ex. But please try not to transmit your agitation at him to your dd. Let her draw her own conclusions.

And also, be careful about sharing your frustration at his unwillingness to have her on a regular basis. It would be easy for her to feel unwanted/rejected (by him because he won't commit and by you because you'd like some time to yourself) , and that is the last thing she should feel.

Best of luck. It sounds difficult.

Don't worry, I try and protect her as much as possible from his lack of interest.

I was worried that I was being unreasonable to expect him to be more involved. Hes been always been disengaged so its hard for me to judge what is a usual/expected level of responsibility.

When I split from dds dad he made every fuss possible over demanding his right is 50/50 care. I have encouraged as much visits with him as possible and been open to any access patterns, but - in 7 years he has picked up from school once, never attended any school or medical appointments and hasn't seen the oldest for 2 years and younger one for 8 months. Unfortunately it was all talk and he soon replaced them sadly with more children.

JustYou, thats really sad. Without giving too much away, my ex has form on this too. With him its sheer laziness. He just can't be arsed and would rather be in the pub. He'll do anything for anyone as long as it involves a fully stocked bar close by.

OK, I shall email him today and (diplomatically) tell him he needs to get his arse into gear.

My dc s dad doesn't drink it's more the show at being father of the year. Telling everyone he would fight for his kids and poor him while I'm on the other end of the phone saying have them whenever?? Then it whittled down to just wanting on family occasions to present them with him and now nothing. But from what I hear from people it's down to us - they don't know that he said to the kids I ll arrange something soon and months and years down the line they are still waiting for that arrangement to happen.