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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at these parents

93 replies

shiningbright567 · 21/02/2016 18:26

DS2 is 9. He's friends with another boy at school of the same age. This boy's parents are clearly a lot more relaxed than we are, which is absolutely fine. Over Christmas, they allowed their son to watch the film Spy, which clearly has a lot of bad language in it and from what I understand some questionable images, which their son relayed to DS2. The week before last, they allowed him to watch Ted, again language and some of the drug content was relayed to DS2 and last weekend, it was Love Actually, a wonderful film but not appropriate for a 9 year old, as evidenced by their son's graphic description of John and Judy's relationship. While a lot of the images in these films is clearly passing their son by, he is obviously picking up on a lot of it and passing it on. I completely respect their decisions to show their son these films, it is their son. But I am quite annoyed that they have let him repeat the contents in the playground. I rarely see either of the parents at school, either an aunt collects him or the parents fetch from an after school club. Would I be completely unreasonable next time I see them to bring this up with them and ask them to stop their son from repeating what he has seen in films? Am I being unreasonable to be annoyed about this? Would most people let their 9 year olds watch this?

OP posts:

NotAWhaleOmeletteInSight · 21/02/2016 20:20

Thanks for that Flat! Bit of a chip on your shoulder?

I've been cp officer for 10 years. I'm highly trained and effective. But I'll be sure to follow your advice and keep my beak out in future, sod my duty of care

ZanyMobster · 21/02/2016 20:20

The odd sexual reference will go over their heads, mine had no clue when watching grease or mamma mia for instance but Love Actually is very obvious and involves too much sex for a 9 yo to not notice. TBH the swearing doesn't bother me as they no not to repeat it but the rest is too much IMO.

clippityclop · 21/02/2016 20:20

YANBU. I'd be fuming. Don't let him go there again for a while, have the other boy round to you. When you get the opportunity have a word with the parents.

fastdaytears · 21/02/2016 20:21

Don't let him go there again

This all happened in the school playground

thebestfurchinchilla · 21/02/2016 20:21

It's annoying but there's not much you can do. Even if they told him not to talk about it he probably would because it makes him feel grown up. We didn't watch Eastenders for similar reasons and my DD would be told the full story line by a girl in her class every week! We knew the parents and they seemed really nice, they just had different ideas. It only gets worse. My DD has been to sleepovers where they were watching 18c films at 15 and others where there were boys(she and we did not know prior to the night). We just hope we have done enough and taught her well enough that she understands right and wrong, she seems to have been as shocked as us!!

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/02/2016 20:24

My son watched ted aged 8, it was one of the in flight movies on a flight back from USA. He was crying with laughter and I asked what he was watching and so on his recommendation I started watching it with a 45 minute delay, once I realised what it was like the horse had rather bolted!! However actually it did offer the chance to raise some subjects and ime cringey conversations aren't as hard when there is a relevant starting point. I think an open frank relationship with children works well, obviously every kid is ready at different times but he now has a more grounded and accepting attitude to lots of things than many adults. The next few years are the awareness years and you can either let other kids and porn educate your child or you can make sure they have an adult perspective. It is proven that the more open parents are with kids the less likely they are to have drinking or drug related issues and the lower the rate of teen pregnancy. I had an amusing chat with my 11 year old yesterday re masturbation, started as he was browzing all the various condoms in tesco asking why you'd want ones with dots and the conversation travelled ......he said "honestly mum, I can't see me ever wanting to do that but it's good to know its ok with you". I told him to give it a couple of years, he'd change his mind or be the first teenage boy Of his kind 😂😂

FlatOnTheHill · 21/02/2016 20:29

OP save your concerns for the teenage years. Honestly would not worry about it.

FlatOnTheHill · 21/02/2016 20:33

Phal

Aspergallus · 21/02/2016 20:34

Ted is simply not suitable for a 9 year old.

It's amazing how kids pick on things from film and to from friends even when they haven't seen them yet...games, names, imaginative play can all end up based on what one of them watched.

Ted falls into the category of early sexualisation and the language and play that could arise would worry me. Think I'd have a chat with the teacher.

FlatOnTheHill · 21/02/2016 20:34

Phalnops
I loved reading your post. Made me laugh. It was also very sweet. Love your way of thinking. I also think its good to be open and honest with your kids.

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/02/2016 20:37

I'd like to add I am way more twitchy about violence than sex and have always been keen to be sure that he has a clear definition between fantasy and reality which I'm lucky he has, he doesn't and never has blurred the lines there. I have warned him about porn, ( after watching that documentary about sex ed on c4 that showed that teenage boys were basically growing up believing that porn was a reflection of real life/ relationships) I told him that although there was nothing wrong with porn it was inadvisable to watch it too young or too much because however much he knew it wasn't realistic it would subconsciously make alterations to his perception of reality. Same with violence so we keep away from the majority of violence for the sake of shock factor type films.

Gatehouse77 · 21/02/2016 20:38

Generally, we're pretty strict about what TV/films ours watch. If they have watched something that has anything that I know other parents might not be comfortable with I tell mine not to discuss the details. Whether they do or not I can't say but I would have no problem if they approached me and 'grassed' them up. They would get a deserved rollicking from us.

That said, I don't have rose-tinted glasses about my kids and wouldn't go off on one unless I had confirmed, verified and clarified with my kids if they were sure they were 'innocent'.

Phalenopsisgirl · 21/02/2016 20:45

Flatonthehill- I'm lucky to have a pretty intelligent ds, we do have some funny chats but I want him to know that no question is off limits and I'll never be cross or grossed out by something he says. Another amusing one was the time we were skiing and the lads trip in the hotel opposite had a blow up doll on the balcony. I explained that this particular doll was almost definitely placed there for the banter factor but that some people find relationships with dolls of various levels of sophistication easier than relationships with real people and we shouldn't be too quick to judge as it takes all sorts.😏

LilacSpunkMonkey · 21/02/2016 20:51

The problem with ignoring things until they're teens is that's when it can quite often be too late.

As an example, boy at my school, last summer, was 10 (Y5), started a rumour that he had 'fingered' (his word) one of the girls in his class. The girl in question came to me I tears, people were asking her about it, most of them didn't know what it meant, the boy who started it all certainly did. I had to get the class teacher involved. It was escalated higher to the Assistant Head, parents of both children were called in it was taken very seriously. The Mum of the girl said the worst part was having to tell her 10 year old daughter what 'being fingered' meant and that it broke her heart.

This is what safeguarding is about.

Lurkedforever1 · 21/02/2016 20:55

I was a child who read and occasionally watched inappropriate things. And while I was the only one who was reading books and watching films of that nature, I clearly recall all of my friends noseying through their mums magazines for the problem pages, and teen siblings magazines for the sex stuff, or eavesdropping on older siblings. I remember it causing issues when one girl couldn't sleep because of my horror story relaying, but as regards the sex stuff I wasn't the sole oracle, the properly parented kids were equally good at playground gossip. And re sex themes- I'm not exactly unusual in having seen grease or dirty dancing at primary age.

Not saying I disagree with your thinking op, just that either way there will be playground gossip.

FlatOnTheHill · 21/02/2016 21:08

Phalenops
you sound like a brilliant mum. Love the 'doll' story

Madeyemoodysmum · 21/02/2016 22:02

😀

Samcro · 21/02/2016 22:13

yanbu about the films.....kids should watch kids films

but how the heck does a parent "let" a child repeat something at school??

FelicityFunknickle · 21/02/2016 23:28

Well he is going to act out or repeat stuff.
Personally, and this is not for everyone, I would probably speak directly to the parents. and voice my nosey parker opinion (ina as ta tful a way as possible) that these films are not suitable for a child of his age.
But then I am quite direct.

Houseofmirth66 · 21/02/2016 23:58

Wow Felicity. Just imagining you marching across the playground towards me to give me your advice on what I should be allowing my child to watch on TV. While the rest of you hit the hotline to the police and social services. I absolutely hate violence of any kind and would never let my kids watch a violent movie - but the temptation to give a busybody mother a good sock on the nose if she approached me like this would be hard to resist.

SoThatHappened · 22/02/2016 00:13

The odd sexual reference will go over their heads, mine had no clue when watching grease or mamma mia for instance but Love Actually is very obvious and involves too much sex for a 9 yo to not notice.

Dont assume a 9 yo doesnt get it or know already.

When I was in primary in the 1980's, at that age, the jokes told were far dirtier than anything in love actually or Ted and we knew what it all meant.

SoThatHappened · 22/02/2016 00:30

When I was 9 years old....children were telling a variation of
this joke in the playground / reading corner.

And we understood everything.

When I babysat children as a teenager, they were the same. They didnt see me as an adult: they saw me as kid not much older than them so they were lax about what they talked about infront of me. The understanding of sex and dirty jokes they knew at a young age would surprise you.

gooseberryroolz · 22/02/2016 00:47

I completely respect their decisions to show their son these films, it is their son. But I am quite annoyed that they have let him repeat the contents in the playground.

You completely respect that?

That's awful SoThat. Maybe you don't realise that.

gooseberryroolz · 22/02/2016 00:51

but how the heck does a parent "let" a child repeat something at school??

We all have to be completely cool with everybody else's parenting decisions at all times, apparently, no matter how bonkers the parenting or how bad the impact on everyone else and EVEN if it leads us into saying nonsensical things like;

I completely respect their decisions to show their son these films, it is their son. But I am quite annoyed that they have let him repeat the contents in the playground.

peggyundercrackers · 22/02/2016 00:55

I would agree most 9yr olds know most stuff, we did at that age. I remember we were out playing one day when we were small and one of the older boys had a playboy and several other similar magazines with him and they were being passed around everyone, there was about 15 of us used to go about together in the few streets we lived in. There was younger kids and older kids, I was kind of in the middle age group.

as we were growing up things just got worse really but it was all considered part of growing up, none of our parents ever knew anything because no one talked :)

I wouldn't go to the school, that seems quite petty and sleekit, if your worried about it speak to the parents yourself and not hide behind going to the school.

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