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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think every week is too much

26 replies

Stiddleficks · 21/02/2016 11:33

Not sure if my judgement here is clouded as I don't go out of an evening socialising with friends. If I meet a friend it's usually in the day when we are child free, rarely in the evening. Dh goes out with a friend every Sunday night, gets in around midnight. His friend smokes like a trooper and dh usually comes in smelling of smoke and alcohol, which I hate. He has suggested staying overnight with the friend and he'll have a shower and come home when the kids wake up. I think doing that every week is too much and I would rather they met up less often. Who is BU?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 21/02/2016 11:35

Would your DH object if you went out every week in the evening? Do you feel you get enough time to yourself? Can you afford for him to go out that often? It should be balanced. I wouldn't mind if DH went out once a week. The smelling of cigarettes thing would annoy me though.

CooPie10 · 21/02/2016 11:36

I think once a week socializing isn't too much. It would be a bit silly to spend the night somewhere else, why can't he have a shower and change of clothes when he gets in? How is he generally?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 21/02/2016 11:37

I dont think once a week is necessarily too much but I would object to a Sunday evening. That's part of the weekend, which to me is family time.

WorraLiberty · 21/02/2016 11:37

Why can't he have a shower before bed, when he gets home from the night out?

As to weather it's too much, it depends on whether it really puts you out or not. Are the kids very young/difficult to look after? Do you feel you need more 'couple time' alone?

Sirzy · 21/02/2016 11:38

I wouldn't have a problem with once a week to be honest. Everyone needs down time

CantChoose · 21/02/2016 11:40

Tricky. DH has a friend who I describe as 'needy' as he wants to meet up a lot though it's less than once a week.
On the surface I'd say YABU but it would annoy me too. Do you see each other much? DH and I have very little time to ourselves so we are both a bit possessive about it. Less so if one of as has had time off work for a bit...

Original poster
Stiddleficks · 21/02/2016 11:40

He's fine normally and he wouldn't get home til about 9 anyway as the friend lives near to where he works. He doesn't spend much so that's not a problem really. I think the staying out is a bit silly, I don't sleep well so I think he thought I might not get disturbed as much.
I think I'm just jealous that he goes out and none of my friends do!

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/02/2016 11:40

You don't say where they go when they go out, but if it's to a public venue, rather than to his friend's house, his friend will have to smoke outside.

So if your DH smells that strongly, are you sure he's not smoking too?

Moot point really as that would be up to him, but even so if he smells that strongly it might be worth considering.

justkeeponsmiling · 21/02/2016 11:42

In theory I don't think going out once a week to socialise is too much but I would not be happy if my DH went out every Saturday night, let alone went out and stayed out overnight. Weekends are mostly family time in our house. Doesn't mean neither of us doesn't go out occasionally on a Saturday night but as a rule Saturday evenings and Sunday mornings are spent doing something nice with the kids as they are in school all week and we are working. I would find it really odd and a bit sad if my DH wanted to extricate himself from this every week.

Original poster
Stiddleficks · 21/02/2016 11:43

They go to a local pub and play darts, dh would go and stand outside with his mate rather than stay indoors. I'm sure he has the occasional one though, which I don't mind I just don't like the smell!

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiddleficks · 21/02/2016 11:44

His shifts change a lot apart from Sunday's so some weeks we don't get much time just us, or if we do its in the day rather than evening.

OP posts:
justkeeponsmiling · 21/02/2016 11:45

Sorry I misread your post. Still wouldn't be happy if DH wanted to spend a whole night away from home every weekend. And I find his reasons really odd!

Original poster
Stiddleficks · 21/02/2016 11:47

Weekends are different for us, as he works an unsociable job and does work every weekend anyway. So it's not the family time I mind him missing I do but that's a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stiddleficks · 21/02/2016 11:49

He is really odd Grin. It was just an idea he had, he hasn't actually said he'll do that and he won't mind if I tell him not to be so silly.
Just wondered what's a 'normal' amount to go out really, maybe I need to get myself a life Wink

OP posts:
redskytonight · 21/02/2016 11:51

So actually DH wouldn't be in till 9 if he didn't go out with the friend anyway? so he's missed out on any family time. Once a week going out for 3 hours wouldn't bother me at all - can't he just have a shower and put his clothes in the wash when he gets in if the smell bothers you?

Gobbolino6 · 21/02/2016 11:54

I think it's whether it bothers you that's the issue. My DH goes out twice a week and I go out once every couple of weeks but have a friend round weekly. It works for us. If there's a problem at home, whoever is going out cancels

Roseberrry · 21/02/2016 11:57

I couple cope with once a week as long as it wasn't a strict 'nothing interferes with my night out' thing.

theycallmemellojello · 21/02/2016 11:59

I agree that it entirely depends how much downtime you get and how much family/couple time. It sounds like you are a SAHM to school age children - hence being able to socialise childfree in the daytime? And I take it your DH works and therefore is not able to socialise in the daytime? If that's the case, then it does seem a bit unfair to stop DH socialising at the weekends or in the evenings - that's the only time he could do it. And although it means you have to look after the kids on your own, isn't that balanced out by the fact that for some of the week he's working while you don't have the kids? However, if you don't get much time together as a couple, I'd think that he should prioritise that.

Wolpertinger · 21/02/2016 12:01

I wouldn't object to going out once a week if that was equal, I would object to it being Sundays on his own as that's family time and I would very much object to it being overnight!

Where is the family/couple/your single time?

Original poster
Stiddleficks · 21/02/2016 12:02

He does have a shower etc when he gets in, I think I'm just a bit jealous tbh.
If I needed him at home he would come back.
I think it's just that weekends are hard as i'm on my own mostly with the kids and by a Sunday evening I'm worn out and he's out having fun. But he has Monday's off so we do get that day together.

OP posts:
MonkeyBarKid1 · 21/02/2016 12:03

I think once a week is perfectly fine tbh. Especially as he wouldn't be home till 9 anyway.

CityMole · 21/02/2016 12:29

Does he help you on a Monday or is he worn out from his night out? I don't think once a week is a lot but I can understand why it is galling for you that it falls in a Sunday when you're already frazzled.

ProfGrammaticus · 21/02/2016 12:40

Sounds like what he is doing is fine, and what you need to do is find something nice for yourself rather than spoil his fun. Give some thought to what you would like to do, and make it a priority to fit it in. You sound as though you are stuck in a rut which is all too easy to happen to all of us.

XiCi · 21/02/2016 12:50

I think it's ridiculous to get upset about your dh going out once a week, and home at 9pm is really early as well. Sounds like you realise YABU though, if you are jealous look at ways to get out for the night with your friends or with your DP if you can arrange a babysitter. Why do none of your friends go out? it seems a bit odd. Have you never gone out and socialised or have you lost touch with friends after having dc etc?

Jux · 21/02/2016 13:34

Once a week is fine, but you need to have time away regularly too.